| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/4/2007 7:33:48 AM |
The OP has every right to feel the way she does no matter her age.
the op is complaining about 4 days a month where her boyfriend of 3months goes to see his child... she has the rest of the month to spend with him.... if she cant find something to do for those 4 days then there is something wrong....her boyfriend might not want her to go along with him to see his child as he might feel it is too soon in the relationship to introduce them....
so really i am sure regardless if a person has kids or not they would be able to spend 4 days on their own without seeing their partner... and she would have known before continuing to see this guy that he did have a child and he does go away every fortnight to see his son....i ask the question.. why continue to be in a relationship when you can not handle this....
but then... she might feel like he doesnt care enough for her for not involving her in his visits and she is starting to feel insecure... either way she has been in a relationship before where her partner had a child and she felt like she was in competition.
i do believe that people can have a perfectly well balanced relationship with someone how has kids and the other doesnt if they understand and are accepting of the kids and sometimes there are just some things that cant be helped especially at the start of the relationship when the person with the child doesnt want to involve their child/ren until they know for sure it is gonna last awhile.... it also goes with people who are committed to their careers and have long hours... or have to travel alot due to work... if ya start a relationship with the other person knowing this and they didnt like it but continued to build that relationship... eventually cracks will show... and someone will get hurt mostly the person who thought the other was fine with the choices they had made before they started the relationship.... | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/4/2007 7:40:36 AM | OP is young and also quite selfish, All I was seeing was "me, me, me" when I was reading what she wrote.
I do however, get the idea that the guy she was married to didn't have it all put together either. To make her sleep on the couch when they were married sounds a bit f*cked up to me. I do agree that you should not be dating men with kids, you can't seem to handle that there is someone "stealing your spot light". If you want to be the centre of attention, then you need to find a childless man who focus all his time on you.
My son comes #1 in my life, but I can easily balance a relationship with a man with being a mom. I'm guessing OP's hubby didn't know how to deal with having a wife and a son from a different woman.
And now she's talking about dating a man with a kid AGAIN... learn from your past OP, you can't handle a man with a kid, so run away fast. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/4/2007 8:07:10 AM | In every relationship there needs to be balance. What I read from the ops post is that yes she wanted to be the centre of attention but her husband making her sleep on the couch, not right at all. Also, she had planned a get away from their one year anniversary, which I firstly think that she could have scheduled for the weekend the he did not have his son (this one should have been obvious), but he wasn't willing to make the time for her also by trying to switch the weekend.
I agree with her new boyfriend, 4 days is not all that much. Actually, there are allot of married couples that I know who wish their partner would go away for one or two weekends a month. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/4/2007 10:06:18 AM | | you oviously dont have children! any man that puts his childrens life before a woman as my approval, any woamn that expects a man not to is a selfish child her self and craves attention off him 24-7, im a mother and have had a child had had a father with a wife like your self, but like always proved ralationships come and go your children are always there, men with children need to stay away from woman like you, until you have a child your self then put your self in your shoes the other woamn expected him to see his child once a month. I felt my sons pain from what his father did . | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/4/2007 10:13:31 AM | I see that some people understand my point, though others think this is a whole issue about being SELFISH..
Let me try to make myself a little more clear...
The NEW guy has been away the last 2 MONTHS visiting his son whenever he got off work.. he's military and is getting ready to leave for Iraq on Saturday.... I've NEVER ONCE complained about him spending so much time with his son and NO time with me.. but when he's here and complains that he's too tired to see me, yet packs up and leaves to go see his son.. there's NO balance! I'm not ready to meet his child yet, like I said, it's only been a few months.. You know, if he saw his son 25 days out of the month and I only got the other 5, that would be fine! But showing up for only 20 min. a week, IF THAT.. and he expects me to stay at home, not go out with friends.. How is that fair?
It's almost like he's expecting me to put my life on hold for HIM while his still keeps going.
I would love to date a mature man with kids who could still make me feel like I'm important.. I can't have children of my own, so that would seem to be the ideal scenario. But how can I make someone MY NUMBER ONE PRIORITY if I come in last to them????? | |
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| When dating a woman who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/4/2007 10:33:30 AM | That is the same reason why I do (sorry to say that...) not consider singel mothers as anything more than an intimate encounter!
Have fun together, ok, but don't consider a relation and do not fall in love with me if you are a mother, I do not wan't to steel a mother away, I have plenty other choices, the child not.
I even broke up a relation after 4 years because I felt thet I would win this competition against the child - and did not wnat that! | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/4/2007 11:45:55 AM | | Beka, if this is how you feel, then maybe you need to date men that do not have kids. Men have huge pressure from society to be active Dads and not Deadbeat Dads, so alot of men are over compensating. But a sincere parent will always put their kids needs first, and that is the way it should be. Having you sleep on the couch when the child was sleeping over was a mistake, especially since you were married. But try men with no kids as you are not ready for anything else at this time. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/4/2007 12:03:59 PM | | there are many types of love.my love 4 my children is simular yst very different than my love 4 my lover.his downfall is only a downfall in your eyes not his,enjoy the love you get from it ,if you feel it is not engough 4 you no what 2 do.come c me lol kiding peace sweety | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/4/2007 1:40:21 PM | | sorry but your attitude alone proves that your in the wrong relationship, ANYONE who expected to be put before my kids would be out the door. i agree asking you to sleep on the couch was silly, as you were married he could have just explained to his son that couples do share a bed but to say any parent should put their kids second is wrong. as for spending more time with his son before going to iraq has it occured to you that maybe he wants his son to have as many happy memories as possible in case something terrible happens while he's over there!! ffs you can get another partner his son cant get another DAD!!!!!!! | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/4/2007 1:42:33 PM |
but when he's here and complains that he's too tired to see me, yet packs up and leaves to go see his son.. there's NO balance!
I see the problem here. Clearly he isn't as into you as you are into him. He's making that obvious by not "balancing" his time as you say. You should evaluate your relationship with him. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/4/2007 1:47:11 PM |
laughingloki14 wrote: I dont agree with that at all. Just because it's not YOUR child does NOT mean you cant come to love the child like he/she were your own.
She is different than most in that respect. She already complained about getting her ex husbands kids more often after they were married. Clearly spoken with resentment towards the kid rather than love.
She never said for certain if her ex didn't want her sleeping in the same bed after they were married or just while they were dating. Just dating then I can see his point but if he said this while they were married; then yea I agree with OP that was jacked up on her ex's behalf. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/4/2007 2:46:01 PM | That's why I made this thread, to find a resolution!
I don't want there to always be problems with me dating someone who has a child.. I want this to be resolved.. but I just don't know how to fix the fact that I will never be as important to him as he will to me.. I want US to be there for the child... I want US to love the child together.. I want the child to see US happy.. 20 years from now I want US to be watching him graduate College.. not just Daddy and his girlfriend.. is that understandable?? | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/4/2007 2:46:21 PM | hmmmmm says the man broke a planned trip for there wedding aniversary off. Also said she had to sleep on the couch when his son came over ( they where married at the time.).
This woman has a right to feel upset. This is pretty extreme. Unless an emergency came up this couple should of taken off on their planned trip. And the kid should be sleeping on the couch instead of this gal. I wouldn't put up with this BS either. Really wish you folks would READ the OP's post before you shoot your mouths off. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/4/2007 2:58:02 PM | hiwayman ..... we did read it more than once, but our opinions differ to yours....
This woman has a right to feel upset. This is pretty extreme. Unless an emergency came up this couple should of taken off on their planned trip. And the kid should be sleeping on the couch instead of this gal. I wouldn't put up with this BS either. Really wish you folks would READ the OP's post before you shoot your mouths off. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/4/2007 2:58:05 PM | Very interesting topic for me. My children are my world, however part of my journey is finding somone who will be my partner/soulmate/lover/best friend/ultimately a spouse... in life. I am also not lookin for my babies a "Momma" but, rather, someone who will have a positive influence on my life and their life. If ever married again, I would want to be able to look to my bride and discuss important topics about the children and know they are just as interested in their well being as I would be. I would want someone that I find sexy, loving, thought provoking and stimulating.... plus, a good role model, trustworthy, confident, mature, intelligent, secure, loving, and emotionally available. A person involved in a relationship with someone who has children from a previous marriage or situation requires the same, respectfully. That being said, the person who happens to be a parent also really needs to perfom an self inventory on what they want out of a relationship. Can they provide the love and attention required in a marriage (in this case)? If the person (with children) is interested in enough to be with another and the seriousness of their relationship leads to marriage... ultimately, the spouse will and should become the next in line after God. This is a hard pill to swallow because WE LOVE OUR BABIES and they have saved our lives from our past and WE would never think of anything more to love than OUR BABIES.
The point- Our position for parenting is providing nurturing unconditional love for our children. Our position as a partner (marital only) is to include them on all of our decisions, thoughts, objectives, and visions of our world. This would also require a potential spouse being held accountable for a role they may not have thought of when they decided on an "I do."
Personnaly, I welcome anyone in my life. I am very protective on who I bring into my Sons' lives... If I am blessed to find such a fish in the pond.... I would want them to know the importance I have in them because of all the love I would have for every single person within the household.
Finally, I always think of the other shoe.... I hope my EX is smart enough to locate a gentleman who she would trust with our Son's lives... someone who provides more than they require to receive. Because it is out of my control (and should be) I hope and encourage whomever is in their life isn't insecure or jealous of a 5 and 3 year old boy... and takes out their anger and aggression on them. That would lead me to prison if happened. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/4/2007 3:01:39 PM | TheNewMetroMan . brilliant attitude and well said..... especially this statement.....
Finally, I always think of the other shoe.... I hope my EX is smart enough to locate a gentleman who she would trust with our Son's lives... someone who provides more than they require to receive. Because it is out of my control (and should be) I hope and encourage whomever is in their life isn't insecure or jealous of a 5 and 3 year old boy... and takes out their anger and aggression on them. That would lead me to prison if happened | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/4/2007 3:02:39 PM | ooooooooooh now i get it..... the new boyfriend is being shipped away and is making it his priority to see his son (family) more then her in the last 2 months coz hes well he just might never come back...obviously the child has been around alot longer and has a stronger bond with his son... and shes jacked....
is she gonna be even more jacked when he is deported for months at a time with very little contact...if she continues to see him? and will she get even more jacked off if upon his return he again sees as much of his son for a catch up?... and if they do continue to stick it out until he returns and they get more serious... and the son comes to visit them on a holiday bases... will she get jacked off there too?
but then.... she is contradicing herself from the start...
also... when you did get together with this new man.. did you already know he was being deported?
if so more fool you for thinking you could handle something like this when you knew deep down you cant.
you say you cant have kids of your own... sorry for that.... but there are other options out there that give the blessing of a child to a couple who cant have their own... so stop using other mens kids to be your kids when you know you cant handle it.... get your own which ever way it may be...
edit: hes also not asking you to put your whole life on hold for him.... maybe your romantic life and wait for his return... but i dont think he would have meant you cant go out with ya girlfriends for a night out and have your life some to a complete stand still.... if you are thinking that is what he has meant.... then you dont have the self control to say when out for one of those nights to stay faithful whilst he is away... | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/4/2007 3:13:49 PM | Beka37184, You're not selfish. Just foolish. And the only one you're fooling is yourself.
Been there and doing it again, and again, and again. That's foolish.
Your resolution is simple. Start out with the situation you desire.
Find a starter, not a going-concern.
Are you also into used cars? And then complain about the mileage and baggage it comes with? Then blame the seller? Then blame used cars? Then blame the used car marketplace? When are you going to look in the mirror and see yourself
Get in the driver's seat of your life and accept that you're the chooser. It's your choice.
Why would you even want a partner who puts anyone in front of their child?
Think about it. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/4/2007 3:29:06 PM | bravo bravo, It's difficult to reorient people to consider themselves in their situations.
She's fixated on everything but her own role in her 'problems'.
It's almost like the pain and fear of confronting the cause and the solution is too much.
Would it be too honest to point out she'll come first when SHE puts herself first.
First her, then add a man, then make child. Just as she voices her desires... | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/4/2007 3:55:03 PM | Although the OP has done a disservice to this topic with her attitude it is a recurring thread here that is important for parents to recognize.
...how can someone expect you to put them first, when they can't do the same?? That does NOT make sense to me.
Answer is he can't and it'll never make sense. Everyone always jumps to the "save the children" defence. Not considering your child(ren)'s welfare is never an issue but if at a certain point you can't make your partner...your "partner" then you have no business being in a relationship and should crawl into the shell of a life you have with your children.
This goes to parents who date childless mates or parents.......if you have to keep saying "my kids come first" IMO thats a reflection of you not the other person. Its a lack of planning, empathy, maturity and getting your life together that you should have before you ever set foot into dating someone.
OP,
You were burned by a guy who didn't have his shyte together.......the question is are you choosing;
A) a guy who does have it together or;
B) are you willing to help him get it together or;
C) to cut bait and jump to the next messed up NCP Dad?
Its up to you.......if you're in..then step up and sit with Mr. All that He Can Be and get it sorted out before he ships out.........otherwise let him go before he's out...otherwise he'll just be thinking you're "out there" on him and not committed with him.
See people you can have an opinion and be useful.....not bitter old crows...... | |
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