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| When dating a woman who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/5/2007 8:19:49 AM | .. and I don't take everything that's being said as NEGATIVE at all!
What I meant was, the ones that I read which SOME happen to be negative, I STILL have respect for.. it sounds to me like more single parents on here have been burned way more times than me.. Just like a lot have pointed out, I need balance... If you don't have a balance between work and social life, what happens? You'll be sounding like CRUSH off FINDING NEMO, "Coo-Koo Kachoo Man!"
Even though I have an extremely hectic life, I still manage to make time for those I care about.. all I want is just a little piece of the same. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/5/2007 8:27:49 AM | | I have a very one track mind. I do not multi-task. It sounds like this guy is a very good father who also is having trouble "fitting" everything in. I know when I tried, I felt guilty for spending quality time with someone else. It was like I was choosing the woman over my kids. Give it a little time. I know it takes a while to revise a routine that includes a new woman in it. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/5/2007 8:36:26 AM | I thought about that myself.. maybe it was just something that neither one of the guys I dated were used to.. but then again, look at this point..
My EX was 28 when we got together, his son was 5.. according to him, I was the 4th person he dated after he split up with the child's mother..
The guy I'm dating now is 36, his son is 11... and he's been through a marriage since he split up with his child's mother..
So that's where I started to change my mind.. that maybe they aren't having a hard time with 'juggling' a new woman in their life rather than just refusing to do it.
I feel every relationship takes compromise.. I compromised both in my marriage (speaking of, I still see his son on occasion.. his mother either brings him up here or I go down there and visit) and in this new relationship.
I'm not trying to play 'mommy', both of the children have great mothers!
... but I'm also not trying to play, 'daddy's piece of ass' either. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/5/2007 8:45:21 AM |
As I've said in other posts.........splooging a newborn or catching one out the other side doesn't magically turn your brain into this master of humility, empathy and intelligence. Your bloke didn't understand, just as childless men don't understand who put their wants first......being a parent doesn't necessarily change this mindset........thats why I find all who have to say "my children come first" are the same.......they were just the people who said my wants before now its my kids wants now that they are parents........its the people who used the word our before they had kids that get that concept after the blessed event..........
I share that thought East Coast. Thanks for putting it into words for me! Especially "they were just the people who said my wants before now its my kids wants now that they are parents........its the people who used the word our before they had kids that get that concept after the blessed event."
On Topic... there does have to be a balance. From the OP, in the first relationship the father did not have that balance of his life and his life with his child. The second fellow sounds more like a caring father doing what he should.
I understand that the OP is scared that a repeat of the first scenario will happen here with the second Dad. Legitimate fear given the experiences and her age - it is not something to bash her for, but to reassure that some parents actually have their priorities to have a life outside of their children, without harming the relationship with their children.
OP it does happen, some parents get it and realise that the statement "my children come first" does not mean to the exclusion of all else. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/5/2007 8:54:28 AM |
... but I'm also not trying to play, 'daddy's piece of ass' either.
you hit the nail on the head. If this guy is a responsible, caring, mature adult then he will do everything in his power to make sure you never fell like that, but at the same time understand that being a single dad is a big deal too. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/5/2007 9:20:20 AM | I think the problem in your situation is that your ex but you in an extreme situation....the part about that you two couldn't sleep in the same bed (even though you are a married couple) because his son was there....that was extreme, to the point of just plain stupid.
I guess his son will grow up thinking that is "normal" behavior, which is pretty sad.
The thing is that you and your SO's child(ren) need to learn to co-exist without being jealous of each other. That is childish behaviour in itself.
What people need to realize is that it is best to put the WHOLE FAMILY's best interest first, not just one or the other, it should be what is best for the FAMILY. | |
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| When dating a woman who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/5/2007 9:58:49 AM | Beka, you can make it work with a man who has children.. perhaps not with the men you have dated or the one you are currently dating. I have to tell you though when you begin having your own temper tantrum and acting like a child, that is not very appealing to anyone.
You come across as mature for your age and you know what you want and where you want to be and go in life. You siad you don't want to "play" mommy or be a piece of ass either... what exactly do you want? Mutual respect in a relationship? Some of the parenting role as you are in a committed relationship? You need to be willing to compromise.
Forget about the negative. Think for one minute.. perhaps these men don't know how to incorporate a woman into their life right now. Again you being angry and huffing and puffing won't make it better. I understand you want to be with a man who has children (for reasons beyond your control)... but why the rush? You are 20. Still so young.
If you want to settle down then you should communicate with your partner. By communicate I don't just mean sit and talk to him, but also listen, really listen to what he is saying. It may take time but if you both want the relationship to exist and flourish you need to come to some common ground. It isn't about competition with his child/ren. And that isn't a very mature stance to take. Yes his children will take up his time and yes you will too... but there has to be compromise, common ground and respect. If you cannot come to terms with those (or him) then there is no relationship.
I just think you should address your anger and work through it and then address your concerns with your partner. Relationships involve 2 people not 1. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/5/2007 9:58:54 AM |
But I was always taught that it was GOD, SPOUSE, CHILD.....
I believe it's God first, Family second... and You are only "dating" a man with a child for a few months this does not make you family. When it comes to a married couple raising a child then yes they have to make their "time" a priority SOMETIMES also, it's all apart of taking healthy care of oursleves.
There have been many opinions here but seriously... just don't date single dads right now...it's not something you seem to be able to handle so...don't do it. Easy Peasy | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/5/2007 10:38:45 AM | | Wow! I am not really sure what to say. Becka37184... I think that what your ex husband did to you while you were married in regards to his son visiting was completely unrealistic and just ridiculous. However, I think that you are being completely unrealistic yourself in this new relationship that you are in. You have been involved in a relationship for 3 months now and you aren't even divorced yet as I understand it, so when your boyfriend takes off for the weekend to see his child you should be supportive of that. When you two come to a point in your relationship where things are getting serious, then it would be time to talk about maybe you taking the trip up to D.C. with him. That GOD, SPOUSE, CHILD thing that you tried using... it doesn't work in relationships that involve children from a "broken home" sweetheart. Your boyfriend's child was there before you and will be there after you, that is something that you will just have to deal with and if you can't, then you need to move on. I am a single mother of two young boys and I wouldn't put anyone above them... not even myself. I would kill to have a father like that to my boys. Right now, my ex spends more time and more money on his current girlfriend that his son has no idea who he is. In fact, he spends so much money on "putting his girlfriend first" that he hasn't paid his child support in two months. I am sorry, but I do not sympathize with you on this. Not at all. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/5/2007 11:00:24 AM | I agree with most, scratch my head with others, and completly dumbfounded with the girl who opened... I think, my opinion, the "girl" is not ready.... a relationship, period.
In my own opinion, some guys are ok with allowing a girlfriend come into their life and take them away from their children, spend their money or time, dictate how the should handle the shared parenting /custody /visitation arrangements, and the importance of keeping their child above their differences with the exwife. Ultimately, I blame the Man/Boyfriend/Husband for nothing other than their responsibility as a Father/Parent. Part of this responsibility is being able to see the needs of the children when they are dating.... Some call this "lookin for a new mommy" others, like myself, is knowing long term, is this someone who will embrace all of me--- part of me are my children.
Children do not run the show.... or dictate on who you are. A child is the most valued part of our responsibility as a Parent. But, a Parent must Manage... all aspects of a relationship including the relationship with a girlfriend and their children. The bigger question to ask is what's wrong with the relationship that would dictate where a second wife would be required to sleep on a couch.... What are you teaching your child with that? I see alot of growing in both cases... but, I have my own issues... I need a date.  | |
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| When dating a woman who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/5/2007 12:43:49 PM | Diggy,
Well said.
The OP and the man she "shacks up with" need to be on the same page. If not, don't bother. You both need to have your houses in order and you both need to agree on terms not one dictating to the other.
People are human, they want to be loved, and sometimes thats attempted before they are ready. Single parents have to be more weary of this as they have other people affected by not having their act together. If as a single parent you ever expect someone to accomodate you simply because you have a child, and not because there is a mutual respect.......you are not ready.........for a relationship or really life outside your house. | |
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| When dating a woman who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/5/2007 4:52:57 PM | Not ready for life outside my house, can you explain that one?
I'm not trying to take a parent away from his child or visa versa.. I appreciate the fact that people still push through the door even when things go sour between themselves and an ex when a child is involved..
I've been on my own since I was 15, so the fact that everyone thinks I'm suppost to automatically know some of the things you all are discussing and completely control my feelings with a partner when it comes to these kind of situations, I'm clueless.. why else would I have started this thread? I need feedback.. not to be bashed, we all make mistakes. I'm trying to learn! You don't go to school because you already know everything, you go to learn it! This is the real world, it'll take plenty of trial and error before I get things right.. and is that so wrong? | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/5/2007 8:25:44 PM | I think the OP has every right to be pissed off about her treatment in the first relationship. Her mistreatment there is probably translating into the jealously feelings now. Once bitten twice shy, perhaps?
Its a matter of bending more and seeing HIS needs as a father, and helping in the way he is comfortable with - to a point. Too much work makes it not worthwhile. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/5/2007 10:05:35 PM | i am a single father myself and i agree that the children come first
but i would not go to the extreme of the husband and make her sleep on the couch, that is absolutely absurd
the kids needs should come first as well as their care, but your life needs to be looked after as well with your new relationship
if not then you are cheating yourself as well as the new g/f or b/f | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/6/2007 5:51:02 AM | OP.
Wow I'm a single Father myself. I think you had some rather bad luck with your ex. I'm not to sure about your current beau tho. I know you understand that the child's needs come first. I feel very stongly to that degree to. But as a single parent that's dating, I'm looking for a relationship myself, one that will allow me to share my life with my mate in all aspects. If I wanted a day for just my Son and I don't see the harm in that, as I did the same thing while married to his Mother. More often then not I'd want my GF to come with me so that her and my Son could bond. I hope I could find a lady that would grow to love my Son as her own and treat him as such. Wanting to see him and spend time with him as much as I do. Your right it is not fair that your expected to be there for someone that is not there for you no matter whats its conserning. And sleeping on the couch while your there child is over or missing a Holiday is outragous! You need to assurt yourself and express your conserns and feelings about this matter to your current BF so he understands where your coming from. Good luck.
Cheers  | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/6/2007 8:18:28 AM | No offence but you say you've been on your own since the age of 15... maybe that's why you gravitate towards "Fathers" looking for that in your own life? and acting childish ( jealous) when his attentions are not on you? Like this thread... another cry for attention to stamp your feet and argue and be heard. None of us are perfect and we all have selfish needs at times... but really... this topic is very self absorbed and obviously you still don't get it. You appear to be seeking peer absolution for your feelings and selfishness.
A child is and will be more important in many different ways then you will ever be as an "adult". You will be looked at differently, loved differently etc... You are not a child and the love and caring for a child is completely different the the love between 2 adults... so get over it. Accept the fact that no... you will never come "before" another persons own child. ( quite honestly I wouldn't want to be with a man who did) | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/6/2007 8:29:01 AM |
about, "I'm sure you can go out with your girlfriends.." NEGATIVE.. His exact words were, "Go to work, the grocery store and school.. you don't need to be out gallavanting with your friends.." Now if that doesn't sound a bit controlling, I don't know what does.. AND THAT'S NOT PUTTING MY LIFE ON HOLD???
WHY would you want to be with someone who does NOT want you to hang out with your friends????
SO he puts his child first before you(COMPLETLY NORMAL) AND stops you from seeing your friends...
Girl, you need to find someone else WHO DON'T HAVE KIDS | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/6/2007 1:22:08 PM | I don't understand why so many people are bashing the OP. Yes, she's probably not ready for a relationship with a single father...but that doesn't mean that her feelings are not valid.
She has a right to insist that she not come second to a child EVERY time. She has a right to sleep in her own bed. And she has a right to feel wary in the new relationship. Her husband asked that she commit to him, but he wasn't ready to commit to her. Her new boyfriend is asking for commitment, but isn't willing to consider her feelings.
I would welcome a single father in my life, and of course his child should be important. But I wouldn't be with someone who wasn't willing to put me ahead of his child SOMETIMES.
Sure, cancel plans if there's an emergency, or if something comes up that you deem important. But not for just any reason. All that will accomplish are feelings of resentment in your partner, and the child will grow up spoiled, selfish and will probably learn to pit their father against the new girlfriend if there's any difference of opinion. If that happens, there is no way a relationship will survive.
I know parents who put way too much of their lives on hold for their child. I even know one woman with a grown son at home who has to be there for lunch every day to make sure his food's ready on his lunch break. Another who isn't able to go out on her step to chat with a friend because her 12 year old refuses to be in the house alone for even a second.
If you put every other aspect of your life on hold for your child, you should not even consider having a mate. It would be unfair to them to expect them to give you and your child more than you're willing to give them. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/6/2007 1:59:40 PM | Nice reply, BrandiW. I don't have children and don't want them, and I get bashed all the time by guys with children on the forum because I don't want to date them.
Taking on someone else's family is a HUGE responsibility. If it's not your biological child then it's not a responsibility you signed up for, but if you date the guy, then you're going to get it anyway. Having dated a couple of single fathers, I know where OP is coming from. While the welfare of children should be of concern to everyone, children only thrive in a happy family unit. And that to me means one where the parents, or people in parental roles, respect each other, back each other up when it comes to parenting, share the load, and set firm boundaries for the kids. They recognise that the children are an important part of their lives, but they're not the only part. They let them experience and deal with reality, and sometimes that reality isn't what you'd like them to see, but that's the way it is.
So many single parents overcompensate terribly for the failure of their relationships, and feel like they "owe" the children something. You do, actually. You owe it to them to be happy, well adjusted, and well rounded if you're going to teach them the same. I have to say that OP's ex just sounded totally screwed to me, and I shudder to think what sort of values that kid will grow up with.
For those of you putting the boot in and saying that "you'll never know about children and parents until you're a parent", did she say anywhere that she wanted to be a parent? Yet here she is, shoved into this role that she probably doesn't want, all responsibility and no rights. She wants the guy, but she gets all the baggage too. No wonder she's frustrated.
If you don't want to deal with kids, then don't date guys with kids. It's pretty simple. Be honest with yourself. If you date a man with children, you're walking in with your eyes open, and what you see is pretty much what you get. If you don't want to deal, then date someone else... | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/6/2007 2:40:57 PM | ...and I guess that's the point I was trying to make to single parents.... HOW IS IT FAIR THAT THEY (the single parent) HAVE TO BE PUT FIRST BUT THEY CAN'T DO THE SAME FOR YOU... That's the only question I need answered..
If I could put my friends or family first, then I wouldn't see it as a problem to be put "second"...
Also, going back to the current guy I'm dating... we were friends for years before we decided to take things further.. why did he make me feel so important when we were friends and in the beginning of the relationship but now he's completely changed.... and no, I've NEVER said anything to him about spending so much time with his son. NEVER!
... and he JUST found out he was deploying a month ago... so him being in DC so much here lately had NOTHING to do with him finding out about being deployed... he was doing all this BEFORE he found out... | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/6/2007 3:16:04 PM | beka i personally dont think that every parent expects to be put first in a relationship when the other doesnt have kids.... but you do expect to be put first...so that could be why you are seeing it as the parent wanting them be put before you.
if the parent really wants to be with someone they will make the time to be with that person... and both will be put first for the time that is available.
maybe your boyfriend hasnt made the transition from being friend to boyfriend all that well... he could be still in friend mode.... and as a friend he expects you to still be there like you always have for him... maybe you just never realised before about him going to see his son so much when you were just in friends mode.... but this is something you have to bring up with him.... as we dont know him or his reasoning for doing this.... you have also said that he is very demanding of your time ie not letting you go out with friends etc.... it was and is your choice to stay in this relationship with someone that is being very unrealistic on demands and requests of you... as i asked before... why are you still with him if he has said this to you?
also another poster has pointed out.... you have been on your own since you were 15... and that you may be seeking a father figure of your own... this current boyfriend is old enough to be your father if he had you at 18.... your ex hubby was alot older then you as well... i can see a pattern here and i think the poster that did point this out might be onto something.
your young.... you have lots to learn about yourself... who you are, where you want to go in life... you have alot of time on your side to go out and explore the world... go travel... date guys your own age or at least in the same decade... be on your own for awhile... find out who you want to be and who you truly are...
i was like you in alot of ways.... i moved out of home when i was 17.. had been working fulltime since i was 15.... i came from a broken family (dont know your situation there)... but it was my mother that wasnt around so i did have a wonderful father figure... i made a vow to myself i would explore the world find out who i was as a person and learn to be comfortable with who i was... i did have a life plan... and i even though i love kids and they came naturally with me had dated alot of guys that had kids but the guys were no more then 6-8years older then i... i knew when i would be ready to have kids be settled down etc... i got my son at the right time as i believe i was ready mentally, emotionally and physically to have this child.... but if it didnt happen i wasnt going to rush it.... i had been mature way before my time but now i think as i have gotten older i have aged into that maturity... and i never tried to rush myself into that level either...
you will know when you are truly ready for all the things you are wanting.... just dont rush it before the time is ready for it... or ya will never be happy..... go out enjoy your life... go hang with ya friends... drink til ya pass out... travel to different countries.... and learn to be comfortable with who you are as a person... once you have learnt to especially learn to be comfortable with yourself.... the rest will come naturally with the right person....
oh and your always learning about life and different styles of relationships as well... as it is a on going lesson of life...but welcome it all with open arms and embrace it all. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/6/2007 3:28:07 PM | OP Why can't you put your family first? Who told you that you couldn't? You've posted that you've been on your own since you were 15 so it doesn't sound like your family is worthy of being placed first or would appreciate it.
My son is older than you but my child always came first, PERIOD. When I dated single dads by mutual agreement we agreed our children came first but made sure to set time aside for just us and time with the kids involved. I even dated a couple of single men without kids and didn't have an issue.
My child was around before someone I dated and anyone I dated child was around before me. People we date can come and go in our lives but your child(ren) are always your child(ren).
My son is grown now, doing his own thing and quite able to take care of himself, so I don't face this whole "I want to be first, why can't I be first?" issue . However, on the other hand if some would have started that with me when my child was small, they would have been shown the door since I made a point of setting aside me time, couple time and all of us together time.
As for the whole God, family and child or whathaveyou rhethoric well I am not keen on that due to personal experience.
A person's child comes first to me, the family if they are not toxic will be next but I do not backseat to God or any religious deity/religion.
So just like I stay clear of those who state "God or Jesus" first, it may be wise for you to stay clear of single fathers.
There is a saying "I can do bad all by myself" and it's one I've learned to appreciate very much over the years.
One day you may become first over a child and most likely it will be with a man that could care less if his child(ren) lives or die.
The only person or persons who can truly give you an answer to your question is the single fathers you are dealing with because only they would have the answer for their behavior.
Good luck in your career and life.  | |
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