|
|
|
|
|
| |
| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/6/2007 4:34:29 PM |
and I guess that's the point I was trying to make to single parents.... HOW IS IT FAIR THAT THEY (the single parent) HAVE TO BE PUT FIRST BUT THEY CAN'T DO THE SAME FOR YOU... That's the only question I need answered..
If I could put my friends or family first, then I wouldn't see it as a problem to be put "second"...
Also, going back to the current guy I'm dating... we were friends for years before we decided to take things further.. why did he make me feel so important when we were friends and in the beginning of the relationship but now he's completely changed.... and no, I've NEVER said anything to him about spending so much time with his son. NEVER!
... and he JUST found out he was deploying a month ago... so him being in DC so much here lately had NOTHING to do with him finding out about being deployed... he was doing all this BEFORE he found out...
it's not about the single parent who is p utting himself first but putting his child's needs first. How wo uld you feel if you were a chld and your parent told you that time is limited cuz the gf wants your attention first? especially if the times they see the child is limited. If he's too busy with his son during the weekends and other things during the week, then yes, maybe you should look into breaking up. I'm sorry that these two relationships showed you inconsideration towards you and pushed you off as not important. If you cant accept or deal with having to be put in second if the potential dater has an emergency with his child then yes it's best to date someone without kids.
If you do decide to date someone who has kids, you shoudl walk in knowing what his expectations are, how much time he can give you, and then you should let that person know that you woiuld like consideration shown to you and have time together and so forth. Being a full time single mom myself, my time is very limited, but hoping that if I meet a great guy whether he has kids or not and willing to share time with, then I'd show consideration and make that person feel important and we can all interact with one another after a period of time. I'd let that person know that my kid's need are first. Because this is how I look at it, you look after their needs first because NO ONE WILL, it's just you that they rely on til they are older and can be self reliant.
It sounds like your bf just doesn't want to commit to you. Since you said he's been friends with you then he sh ould know you by now and should at least share some time with his son with you. I don't know why some guys do this, perhaps he felt so comfortable with you that when you guys went in a relationship, he just didn't have to put any effort or energy to be with you as before. He sounds like a control freak. Date someone close to your age, have fun, someone without kids for awhile. perhaps when you meet someoone special you guys can think of adopting or being a foster parent. I think adopting may be better than dating someone with a child, because you don't have to deal with other parties, soless aggravation for you. Or if you have a need to share time with a child, get into a big sis big bro program. | |
|
| |
| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/6/2007 5:07:58 PM | beka.... i think the most underlying thing right now in your current relationship isnt really about him spending too much time with his son.... for me the thing that would concern me the most is what hes demanding and requesting of you ie cant go out and hang with friends, can only go to work and home etc...
you didnt like the way you were treated in your first marriage... so that ended... and you have gone right into another relationship that is with someone that is of a controlling nature as well...
if ya dont like being treated like this... why are you still in the relationship? what is making or why are you wanting/needing to stay with someone like that?
would you honestly put up with this kind of treatment from a guy that doesnt have kids? or even from friends? | |
|
| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/6/2007 5:17:59 PM | Well, to be honest with you, my current relationship ended lastnight. We went out to eat, I shared my concerns and told him I didn't think I could handle the way things were going. I was completely honest about my feelings and even though he didn't seem to understand, he respects my wishes.
I didn't want to let go of the relationship for a number of reasons/excuses.
I'm still devastated my marriage ended due to the circumstances. I stayed completely single for 9 months after I ended things and once this 'new relationship' bloomed, I thought we were on the same page.
I've always tried to be the 'bigger person' throughout situations and somehow end up getting hurt worse. My marriage ending had nothing to do with me having issues with the father/son relationship. My marriage ended because he thought it was still ok to sleep with his child's mother in order to keep his son in his life.
So when this 'new' thing started, I knew him and his ex were completely through and so I guess that's more-so as to where my focus was.
My ex-hubby and I are still great friends. I flew out here (I went back to Nashville, TN for awhile) when his new baby (also from his ex) was born, and even have pictures with the new child, my ex AND the child's mother.. sounds crazy, huh? Well, when I promised him I would always be here, it was a promise I always intended to keep regardless of the circumstances.
Me always wanting to do the RIGHT thing somehow ends up turning out to be the shyttiest end for me.. I don't understand completely why... except that I guess I care too much. | |
|
| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/6/2007 5:23:46 PM | | OMG i hate hate hate ppl who are all abotu their kids, get over it, so what your kid can talk big deal, yes children are important, but i refuse to not have a life because of a child, a parents life never has to revolve around their childs, and i pity ppl who lose peices of themselves when they have kids. Ok go ahead and call me heartless and a selfish ****. My man will always come first, and i will with him too, OP dont settle for second best ever!!!!! | |
|
| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/6/2007 6:41:02 PM | | I think you need one hell of a reality check. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt because you OBVIOUSLY don't have a child of your own. Granted the guy took it a little too far if you were married and you had to sleep on the couch but that's more of lack of communication. You knew what you were getting into. You should be closely involved but I'd look down on any parent if they didn't put their child/ren first...ABOVE ALL ELSE. I don't give a crap married or not. | |
|
| |
| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/6/2007 6:49:48 PM | beka.... if you are still devastated over the ending of your marriage it still means that you arent ready for any kind of romantic relationship with any man just yet.... you werent on the same page with the new "last" guy coz you werent over your marriage... you may have thought you were over it but in your heart you werent and you were wanting to replace the feeling of being in a relationship with this new "last" guy.. hence the saying rebound relationship....
it is ok to take more then 9 months to get over a relationship... its ok to take 12months... its ok to stay single and not have to depend on a relationship to make you happy.....its ok that not every first date will turn into a relationship or turns into marriage... and its ok that after dating a guy for so many weeks that it doesnt turn out.... i myself personally dont see myself in a relationship until i have been seeing the guy for more then 6months.... the first 6months for me is the building of the relationship.... it might crumble after 6 months but thats ok... you are allowed to be hurt after that amount of time..... but its ok to feel hurt before then as well coz one will get hurt more then the other and give more of their heart.... when you know in your heart you are ready you would have found the right guy for you.....
its a good quality to have a heart of gold... but it is also a good quality to have that heart guarded...and not have overly high expectations of a future partner at the start coz you could and can get disappointed in them.....
its not crazy that you are great mates with your ex hubby.... im great mates with all my ex's bar my sons father.. we were until his current girlfriend came into the picture and demanded he not spend time with his son and all his time with her.... my recent ex i have helped support going thru premed school for the last 18months.... but you need to know when to use that heart of gold and when not too... and stop putting yourself into situations that you know will hurt you....
as for
OMG i hate hate hate ppl who are all abotu their kids, get over it, so what your kid can talk big deal, yes children are important, but i refuse to not have a life because of a child, a parents life never has to revolve around their childs, and i pity ppl who lose peices of themselves when they have kids. Ok go ahead and call me heartless and a selfish ****. My man will always come first, and i will with him too, OP dont settle for second best ever!!!!!
ill just sit back and wait for the shit to hit the fan.....lol... but i guess in a way im lucky to live where i live as this person will soon come to think how important kids do come everytime they pop out another kid an get a baby bonus of $4grand per child and $600 per child each year after that...plus the govt doesnt make a single parent go back to work until the kid is 6years old.... and housing commission is so cheap over here .... lol... its amazing the lengths some people will go to when they see there is something in it for them....lol.. | |
|
| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/6/2007 7:12:08 PM | | We have children of our own and they are well looked after but we dont ever neglect eachother, my husband was first in my life and he will remain my number one priority, and i wil remain his, however if you wish to lead a life thats not your own, then thats up to you, dont be bitter towards me because i chose not to forget who i really am. | |
|
| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/6/2007 7:50:15 PM | im not bitter coz you choose to not forget who you really are....
i know who i am as a person... i have been the same person for the past 30 years... i have and am living the life that is real to me and who i am as a person.....i never said that you should neglect your partner coz kids eventually come along.... if you have read anything that has been said i have said there needs to be a balance when it comes to a relationship regardless of kids or not.... if you choose to make your partner number one over your kids and he you then thats your choice and it works for you..... i do however want to ask one question... if you want to go out for the night with your partner and one of the kids suddenly fall sick.... do you put the night out on the back burner or do you still go out?....as i have asked this of a friend that is the same as you so i know her answer....
now this friend of mine is with a new partner and they are expecting in oct... she is upset that now my son is of the age where i get alot more time on my hands to go and do things and she now can not... her partner is very family based... my friend well she would dump her kid at the last mins notice on anyone that would take him so she can go out to pick up or party every weekend and weeknights shes been doing this since her son was a year old and he is now 13 (even got to the point where she was lying to everyone so they would take the kid and yes i wised up coz i would end up looking after him for 5 day/nights straight sometimes.).... so i know that there is gonna be alot of clashes there as he doesnt think it is right to dump kids on other people 3-4 nights of the week so they can go out and be who they were before they had kids.
i know shit is gonna hit the fan by your comments from other people..... and as for my other one.... i have seen young females and couples pop kid out one after the other over here to have their social paid for and dont care about the kids just the money they get. | |
|
babs3
|
Joined: 7/30/2006
Msg: 112 | |
| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/7/2007 4:05:08 AM | joniandowen,
Darlin, it saddens me to read your last post....especially since you seem to have children....there is a big difference between being present as a parent....and making parenting a priority. People involved in their kids life don't loose a piece of themselves as you put it...they gain a better perspective of what is really important.
There can be a balance...but short listing your kids on the priority list to make room for "your man" being #1....not only speaks volumes about you...but about the man you are with! | |
|
| |
| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/7/2007 6:32:13 AM | BeKa,
At your age you should not be dating so seriously and it would probably be best not to get involved with men who have children.
I'm sure you have plenty of female friends who are single parents. Ask them about the dynamics of dating and single parenthood. Maybe then you'll get a better understanding.
But I will side with your on 2 issues. Your husband had no business making you sleep on the couch. That was assinine on his part. You were married. Secondly, you hubby was wrong for not taking that trip on your anniversery.
I also commend you on having good judgement in that you have gravitated towards men who appear to be good fathers. Never, ever date a man who neglects his children.
Oh, and one more thing, ignore the idiots on here who are bashing you. You had the guts to admit to your short-comings and seek a different perspective. A lot of folks on this site don't have the ability to be self-critical or to expose their failings for constructive criticism. You must be in the Air Force. :0) | |
|
| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/7/2007 8:07:41 AM | I find it VERY odd on his part that even though you're married he doesn't want to sleep in the same bed with you when his child's around. I mean, it's not like you're a live-in girlfriend. It sounds like he has some issues. Children first learn by example, if they see their parent treat a new SO or spouse with respect, consideration and support they will expect that too when their time comes. Who doesn't want that for their children?
There is a special bond between father and children in divorce/2nd marriage, where the children may be deemed fragile by him. He may over compensate. Yet if both you and he are mature adults, you both will see that there ought not be a competition
between you and the kids. You are an adult and they are kids.
Could it be that he is using them as an excuse not to get too close to you?
Perhaps. Maybe he was hurt in his past relationships and doesn’t want to be
close for risk of that again. You may have to read his actions as more important
than his words. It was likely unnecessary and immature on HIS part to have
to state directly to you that he values you less than the kids.
That's kind of absurd and a slap to the face, when in fact, his relationship
to the kids versus to you, are two separate situations that do not have to
have a ranking to each other. There must be equilibrium; a mutual respect all around, which is not present in this situation.
In any case, you are not feeling totally valued or secure, and he is not
behaving as if he really, really wants you as his prime concern and
companion.
You two will need to talk tough about expectations and meet in the middle, or consider not meeting further potentially...
Just my 2cents. | |
|
| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/7/2007 11:02:51 AM | I want to Thank EVERYONE on here for their wise advice and great words. I think when I first started this thread I was defensive about my perspective because I didn't know if I was right or wrong. I'm not perfect by any means, and don't even strive to be. I'll be the first to admit my mistakes and therefore, I'm doing so now. I'm taking this all in as a life lesson... nobody truly got hurt, and I'm lucky for that. I'm going to "chalk my losses" and appreciate the fact that so many people took their time to respond to my thread.
You guys are great.
Thank You Again.
If and when I decide to get into another relationship, I'll be sure to post another thread.  | |
|
| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/7/2007 1:19:00 PM | | Beka, I am glad you could get something out of this, no one likes to hear negatives, but glad you got to see another perspective of things. If you're like me, you like to give in a relationshp, well why not give to yourself first, then when the time comes, find a guy who can give as you can. a relationship should be 50/50 IMO, if you just go to a guy that just takes, then you'll get burnt out. | |
|
| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/7/2007 1:31:36 PM |
OMG i hate hate hate ppl who are all abotu their kids, get over it, so what your kid can talk big deal, yes children are important, but i refuse to not have a life because of a child, a parents life never has to revolve around their childs, and i pity ppl who lose peices of themselves when they have kids. Ok go ahead and call me heartless and a selfish ****. My man will always come first, and i will with him too, OP dont settle for second best ever!!!!!
We have children of our own and they are well looked after but we dont ever neglect eachother, my husband was first in my life and he will remain my number one priority, and i wil remain his, however if you wish to lead a life thats not your own, then thats up to you, dont be bitter towards me because i chose not to forget who i really am.
All I can say to this is I feel sorry that you'd rather neglect your kids first so you can put your husband first. That's a shame. Your husband can look after himself but your kids can't. As I mentioned before if you're not there for the kids, no one will be there for them.
My life wasn't on hold when I had my daughter, I look at it as my life being shared by her. I don't know where you got the image that you have to revolve around your kids or y our life stops because you have a child.
And no, no one is bitter towards you and for you to think that is so ridiculous. Our lives are enhanced with kids, it gives us anew perspectives, it does not make us forget who we are. | |
|
| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/7/2007 5:12:26 PM | I have found in the twelve years I have been on the dating scene that the family has changed alot. When I was growing up children were not honored as much as they are now. The parents used to run households now it seems to be run by the children. My children used to always try the line "if.......doesn't happen I will move in with dad" I have always told them fine go move in with him then I am the adult here and won't have my live led by my children.
I understand it is important to show your children love and respect. BUT, I don't think they should rule your lives. If you continuously give in to their requests they will make more and more of them. And, how do you know that the increased visitations isn't part of the ex's trying to meddle into your life. Knowing that it will cause friction.
I think as a parent you need to make sure all your needs are met. We are adults and need to look after ourselves as adults which mean relationships with other adults. We teach our children by example. They need to see healthy relationships to ensure they also have healthy relationships. If you show your children that your respective other doesn't come first this will be the way they are. I think compromise needs to be in place which isn't always an easy thing to deal with. I don't think I need to date a man with no children to feel as one with him. A man with children needs to make time for all the important people in his life.  | |
|
| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/7/2007 5:51:22 PM | Apparently (Pun intended) you have Never Fathered a child or Given Birth.... if you have, you Never would have started such a thread, or at least a less anti-child one..... i was in a Longterm Relationship with a man with two daughters, (i myself have two boys) back & forth between him, & ex-wife, was i....... there were times when i felt like a total stranger, and there were times when i felt like i was all that & a bag of chips.... but NEVER did i expect to come before / over his children...    | |
|
| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/7/2007 5:53:28 PM | Well my first initial response is hell yes my son comes first...
But after really reading what you wrote you seem to either be letting yourself be pushed asside in which case you should be firm that you wish to be part of his life and go along when he spends time (not all the time) with his son. Or you pick some not so stellar guys... but keep in mind, most parents dont have an instruction manual to follow to be a parent.
Since it IS from another woman you cannot try to play mom to them but you can be his sons friend and a role model. Personally I woulnd't do what your ex's have done. I would have found ways to involve you on some occasions, and certainly more so if I was married to you.
Try telling them how you feel as politely as you can. If that don't work, go back to dating new people cause there really is Plenty Of Fish in the sea :) | |
|
| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/7/2007 6:04:11 PM | | Why does it need to be an extreme? Either your kid comes first or you neglect him? The person you're with should be #1 and your kid #2. That's the best way for a relationship to be successful. When both people don't have each other as #1 is when problems will start in the relationship. Remember, your kid will leave you eventually and your husband will theoretically be there for the rest of your life. It's probably not the pc thing to say but this issue is the reason for the next generation becoming a generation of narcissists that think the world revolves around thme. | |
|
| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/7/2007 8:11:38 PM | You provide an interesting perspective nameismarcus.....a truly frightening one if it is indeed the reason for a generation of narcissists.
To the lady that started this thread, you have to be happy in relationships...if you are not happy and cannot resolve the issues with your partner, then should end that relationship. Life is too short to be miserable. To some degree we all must be "selfish", the other extreme is to be a doormat. You are young and perhaps you should consider dating men who do not have children, at least for now. There is nothing wrong with making that choice...I couldn't have handled dating men with children when I was your age.
As a single parent, I have felt a tremendous responsibility to my children, to be there for them, to be a good mom to them, to raise them well. At times, it has been difficult to be both a mom and a woman. My children are extremely important to me and at times, their needs would be more important than my plans with a partner (ie: sickness or other medical emergency, emotional trauma, pre-planned activities like sports) but I have needs too and a happy mom is a better mom. I do not feel guilty anymore for wanting to have my own life, to seek that which will add value to my life and my extension to my children's lives. | |
|
| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/7/2007 9:13:53 PM | Wow I can totally understand that... I dated a man for a very long time, and was very tolerant of him wanting to be with his kids alone ... but it got to the point where he'd blow me off a the last minute because he had his kids... and would'nt think of including me ... I felt totally taken for granted..and i allowed it becuase I thought it would change over time... he could not understand was I was upset...
your totally right about BALANCE... Thank you...
["Being dominant or close minded or "this is the way it is and thats that! " you will live a lonely life. Oh yeah you will have your kids because they are" first ". But what are ya gonna do when they have grown ? ahhh too late now. Be creative and imaginative. Not selfish. " ] | |
|
| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/7/2007 9:20:41 PM | Wow I can totally understand that... I dated a man for a very long time, and was very tolerant of him wanting to be with his kids alone ... but it got to the point where he'd blow me off a the last minute because he had his kids... and would rarely think of including me ... I felt totally taken for granted..and I allowed it because he told me it would change... he couldn't understand was I was upset... your totally right about BALANCE... "he just didn't get it... "
["Being dominant or close minded or "this is the way it is and thats that! " you will live a lonely life. Oh yeah you will have your kids because they are" first ". But what are ya gonna do when they have grown ? ahhh too late now. Be creative and imaginative. Not selfish. " ] | |
|
|
| Page 5 of 19
|
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19 |
|
Home
login 
