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| How Many RED flags did you ignore before you got wise?
Posted: 7/12/2007 8:04:24 AM | to the OP, Hi Princess..
It takes differant red flags for differant people..
I should have paid attention to the phone calls from women that he said were his "Friends girlfriends". He said that his buddy was fighting with them and he was trying to patch things up for the buddy.. That was about 1988, we finaly divorced in 2005.. So as you can see I did the "girl thing" and waited till I KNEW I couldn't fix it, no matter how hard I tried !!
Don't kick yourself for doing everything you could, when it still didn't work.. It takes two to keep it together !!
As far as keeping sane, learing to let it go, and having the optomism (sp) to go on and find the "right" relationship. That depends on you.. Don't let anyone change YOU or make you feel as though you should just give up !! Remember you're going to kiss allot of frogs along the way, but you will be ok !!
Hugs.. Ems.. | |
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| How Many RED flags did you ignore before you got wise?
Posted: 7/12/2007 8:07:34 AM | When you want something pretty bad you seem to ignore the obvious, at least I do. Sometimes I'm my worst enemy. Giving the benefit of the doubt, accepting a "flaw" whatever you want to call it but usually the signs are there and ignored. I'm guilty, i'm sure we all are at some point.
C~ | |
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| How Many RED flags did you ignore before you got wise?
Posted: 8/4/2007 4:34:56 AM | noisy introvert,
When you love someone you NEVER see the red flags.
I disagree. Love or not, we ALWAYS see some type of red flag, it's just that we CHOOSE to look the other way, we tend to let our emotions cloud those flags and our judgement or it's the simple fact we think/hope they are going to change later on....so "oh, right now, it's no big deal." | |
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| How Many RED flags did you ignore before you got wise?
Posted: 8/4/2007 4:45:06 AM | Yeah, I hear you....the best is yet to come. Take heed all you young girls who are having babys with baby's daddys who are drunks and never will get it together..even for you.
A word to you and all women....................take time for YOU. Don't live your life in a guys shadow. Be your own best friend...go to the gym alone..get that massage..go on trips ALONE and with your kids......you have to get in touch with YOU. As a human being with a purpose in life. Your not on this earth to attach to a disfunctional entity. Learn from your mistake and DON'T REPEAT THEM....
Be true to yourself and when you get to the point of being one with yourself ..you can share your talents with others....
Good luck to you and all you can be.......... | |
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| How Many RED flags did you ignore before you got wise?
Posted: 8/7/2007 1:42:23 PM | | All of them. I lived in denial for 26 years before someone else came along and got "smart" for me. If you're able to leave, get out now before you find yourself looking back on more sad years than those you have left to live happily. | |
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| How Many RED flags did you ignore before you got wise?
Posted: 8/7/2007 2:02:03 PM | I pride myself on my incredible ability to ignore red flags. The bigger the better...I can ignore red flags like nobody's business. I challenge anyone to find a flag big and red enough to capture my attention.
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| How Many RED flags did you ignore before you got wise?
Posted: 8/9/2007 8:01:01 AM | First of all, my greatest sympathy for OP as I have many "friends" who have been through the endless variations of the same situation. In my family of origin, substance abuse was not the problem, mental illness was but I learned many of the same things. So I have been in a number of relationships where I ignored the obvious signs, not to mention the advice of my friends, and suffered the consequences.
I have come to understand that most every person raises flags as it goes along, but it all depends on what they are. Sure, I have boundaries and check often to see if they have been crossed. Sure, if I am out-and-out lied to about something important, I'm gone. But I also understand it is what I do that is most important and only I am responsible for that.
To those who are less than sympathetic to OP, I suspect that you just don't understand how we got this way and how easily we can end up with the wrong person in spite of our best intentions to avoid it. To the poster who looks for a partner who understands recovery, I hope you are more successful than I have been in that regard; for me it overburdens the relationship to be both lover and fellow traveler on the 12-step path.
To OP and others, what I have done is write down my boundaries and put them up on my bathroom mirror. After each day of "fishing" I ask myself if I have crossed any lines or if I have allowed anyone else to do so. The more of this I do, the more comfortable I am with it and the more I am open to the wonderful possibilities of all the fine ladies that are out there, tackle in hand. | |
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| How Many RED flags did you ignore before you got wise?
Posted: 11/27/2007 8:34:20 AM | My red flag(s) are now the offhand comments women will make on the first few dates, before they are involved with you enough to want to conceal their flaws.
My last S.O., when we were in her car going to her house for the first time (just chillin' it as friends at that point) said this to me: "Why would you want to get involved with me? I will destroy you!"
I responded, "Why would you say that?"
She said, "I destroy every man I am with."
HEL lo.
RED flag.
Yes, I ignored it. Yes, she tried to destroy me. | |
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| How Many RED flags did you ignore before you got wise?
Posted: 11/27/2007 2:25:56 PM | Too many people marry somebody, hoping that they'll eventually change into the person they want them to be. I'd like to think that a perfect relationship is with the person who you don't want to change. I don't think I'd desire a relationship with someone who I'd want to change. maybe I'm wrong? Excellent post! I totally agree with you!  | |
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| How Many RED flags did you ignore before you got wise?
Posted: 11/27/2007 4:06:44 PM | I ignored 11 years of red flags. Every year I hoped and prayed a blue, white, green, purple, or some other flag would pop up. Knowing I didn't get married to get divorced.
The tenth year he became overly obnoxious with his demands. I looked and he had another set of them things only a man has the blessing of weighing down their brain. I was astonished! It took another year for me to accept the fact he actually grew another set of them bad boys. By then I was starting to spiritually wither away. A slow death indeed! When the road was clear for my departure, I ran. Never thought to look back. To live and be healthy to leave was a blessing.
At this point in my life I'd give true love a chance again. I believe to love and be loved is indeed one of the the true blessings of life. Healthy Love keeps you alive. It helps keep you mentally, spiritually, and physically healthy. Everyone has their faults, including me. To forgive ones mistakes is one thing. However, if they continuously make the same mistakes, and are soooooooooooo sorry, then it's time to look at the positives and negatives of the relationship. If the positives out weigh the negatives, I'd stay. If the negatives win, the relationship isn't worth it. I will not settle for a relationship that contributes to my frowns more then my smiles. I don't choose to utilize my positive energy on an individual that finds comfort in whatever problems he has and finds no need to resolve them.
It was get wise or die. BTGOG I'm here today. | |
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| How Many RED flags did you ignore before you got wise?
Posted: 1/14/2008 2:48:25 PM | I'd like to say I bolt at the first, but usually its the second or third. Alcoholism is a huge one for me and I really don't know how the OP actually managed to stay with him for 75 MILES of drunk driving... I'm just a different person, I guess. I'd have gotten an annulment that moment, after getting out of that car. I like living, tyvm, and I won't put up with alcoholism.
Currently I have a couple of pink flags from what is looking to be a possible FWB, namely the one that I have a specific and reasonable need, and he's pretty much refusing to meet it, which makes him more of an FB, and I don't do that bit.
I had one relationship for about three months before I finally threw in the towel. This guy could NOT tell the truth to save his life. Not only was he an alcoholic in denial, but he also tried to tell me some whoppingly horrible lies that were more amusing than angering. I stuck with it for so long, even after the lying became apparent, because I wondered if he'd come clean once we got to know eachother better. He didn't. The stuff he was lying about was trivial and I actually had more knowledge on the subjects he was lying about than he did, which made calling "bologna!" on his lies even funnier. I was more amused that he continued to stick to the lies even after I called him on them, and to this day maintains that he did nothing wrong and still calls me when he's drunk and wanting to know what he did wrong. I just shake my head and usually hang up.
I'm also pathetically unable to admit that I have near-perfect sense for if a man is gay or not... because my brain says "Hey! He's kinda cute. I wonder if he's single..." So I guess I miss a whole slew of red flags there, too, but at least that's before the relationship ever even gets past the "Hiya" stage. | |
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| How Many RED flags did you ignore before you got wise?
Posted: 1/14/2008 3:01:00 PM | How Many RED flags did you ignore before you got wise?
Im still ignoring them.
I suck at this- I truly always try to find the good in everyone and most of
the time I get screwed.
Im just that kind of person- I give everyone the benefit that they have my
best interest at heart and usually they dont.
Do I learn from it- no.
Im just as trusting with the next one because I feel I dont want someone who
may be really good for me to pay for the sins of the last one. So yes- its
my personal cycle of madness. | |
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| How Many RED flags did you ignore before you got wise?
Posted: 1/15/2008 5:55:14 AM | YEIKS!
Hmm... usually when they admit to sleeping with someone else. But I ignored that one. I figured if she loves him she'll do it again, if she loves me she'll stop. So for me it was two big waving red flags in my face. Anyway it depends on how committed to the long run you are and from your experience, how close you are to the end of the race. I wouldn't say love is blind because I still love that (insert expletive here).  Now I hate her too. With every fiber of my being I lothe that woman for taking my kids away from me with her infidelity. You know what though. I'm glad she left because I've had some beautiful relationships since then. Can't say it was worth my kids but you make lemonade when handed lemons. | |
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WHOOP!!! WHOOP!!! RED FLAG....RED FLAG!!!...QUICKLY AND QUIETLY...HEAD TO THE NEAREST EXIT!!! 