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| Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 6/23/2008 11:06:21 AM | | I disagree with the idea that supposedly guys can't just be friends with a girl, even one he is attracted to. I have girl friends (girl friends, not girlfriends lol). Not all of us guys think only with our nether regions, I'm not saying that's never a factor, but I can enjoy the company of females without necessarily wanting to get into their pants. I think what some guys have issues with is that women are people too, not objects or trophies to be acquired. If you outright refuse to have friendships with the opposite sex, based purely on friendship, that strikes me as immature. But that's just my opinion. | |
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| Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 6/23/2008 11:16:10 AM | Well I have more female friends than male. But this one I think wanted the "in case my current b/f didn't work." Let me explain. No matter what, if I said I liked this girl or that girl the other girl was never "good enough" for me. She'd say something like 'you don't need a girl like that" all in all saying this to "take care of her friend." But I think it was just to keep me single that way if it didn't work out she could date me. I could be wrong or I could be right.
That's not to generalize and say all women are that way but she was. I've had a few that did that to me. I don't talk to them anymore because I don't know about everyone else but I don't like to be used.
Best of luck to everyone  | |
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| Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 6/23/2008 11:18:45 AM | It's very SAD that some men are NOT capable of being 'just friends' when they are 'attracted' to a woman. They are ultimately missing out on some very good, valuable friendships! Their loss! If only they didn't let the wrong head CONTROL them! MOST females do NOT let their libidos control their lives - but I can't say the same for a lot of males (from my experience)!
I don't think this is a fair way of looking at it. For a lot of us guys, we just have different categories for women in our lives.
I have a number of females friends and they're all great. However, if I'm attracted to a women, I don't want to pursue a friend relationship if she's not interested in something more. If I felt she would bring a great deal of value to my life as just a friend, then I might consider it, but realistically that's usually not the case.
This has nothing to do with my libido controlling my life. It has everything to do with me controlling my time in a way that works for me. And that doesn't involve stacking it with more friends.
One thing I find interesting is how some women seem to think that by extending the "let's just be friends" offer, that a guy is somehow obligated to accept.
I've declined offers of friendship in such scenarios, only to be sent followup e-mails or phone calls asking if I wanted to hang out or chat, etc. I almost have to ask "what part of not wanting to be your friend didn't you understand?"
What these women don't understand is that in the same way they aren't obligated to accept you as a romantic interest, you aren't obligated to accept them as a friend. They just might not be a good fit in that regard. It doesn't mean you dislike them or have ill will towards them, it just means you are controlling your social life in a way that is effective for you.
And as many guys can attest to, accepting friendship with a woman who you were once (or currently still) attracted to often means enduring endless conversations where they drone on about their personal problems or their love life. They are temporarily using you as an outlet for their frustrations over being single. But once they find someone, you can be certain the friendship will likely dissolve. But hey, if you as a guy enjoy being in that situation, then go for it. But I believe my time is better suited meeting women who are potential romantic interests, as opposed to the one's that just need a girlfriend in man's clothes! | |
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| Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 6/23/2008 12:26:58 PM | Msg. #228 - Well said (and written too), and I agree with almost everything you mentioned and understand where you're coming from - thanks for your comments. TIME is a factor for deciding whether to include more friends into one's life - female or male.
I do want to add one point here - if a guy AGREED to be 'just friends' with a female, but did NOT want to hear about her dates or the frustrations of her being single, etc. - then the guy could stipulate that those topics are off-limits, and if the woman could not handle that - then the guy could easily end the friendship if she couldn't abide by his rules. I do believe it is harder (in most cases) for a man to be just friends (compared to women).
I just want people to realize that having the option of hearing another gender's opinions, beliefs, and simply having good, interesting conversations with the opposite sex, can be extemely beneficial - and an enhancement - to one's life. Of course, if someone doesn't have the time or inclination to want the opposite sex as a friend - then they should not do so (just to please the other person). I personally enjoy having (varied) conversations with men - I've learnt a lot from them, and they have also learned a lot from me (they have said this to me). Some things are worth the TIME and EFFORT, and I actually wish I had more 'male' friends, because I LOVE MEN and value their opinions, their sense of humour, etc. etc. (I could go on and on)! | |
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| Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 6/23/2008 12:49:26 PM | Well said on your part as well prettyface2.
I agree that having friends of the opposite sex is a good thing, and gives you an insight into how the other half lives. And trust me, if I didn't already have female friends in my life I would indeed try and get some.
But, let's face it. Even though you often hear the expression "you can never have too many friends", how many friends do we actually have room for in our busy lives? And I'm talking real friends here, not just acquaintances. Anyone who is on Facebook knows what's it like to have a huge list of "friends", but how many of those people are we actually close to?
I'm just honest about what I'm looking for and don't feel it's necessary to play this "let's be friends" game. I don't usually find it's all that sincere anyways, for reasons I've stated in my previous posts. | |
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| Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 6/23/2008 12:55:54 PM |
Well I have more female friends than male. But this one I think wanted the "in case my current b/f didn't work." Let me explain. No matter what, if I said I liked this girl or that girl the other girl was never "good enough" for me. She'd say something like 'you don't need a girl like that" all in all saying this to "take care of her friend." But I think it was just to keep me single that way if it didn't work out she could date me. I could be wrong or I could be right.
Sounds like what we all do with friends - we often say that to our girlfriends in conversation. It's a pep talk. Just because it's female to male doesn't mean that it's any different. It just means that she thinks you're a good guy and you deserve a person who treats you right. How do you get "she wants to keep you single" from someone telling you you're a good person? Yikes - I thought women were the gender that was supposed to read too much into everything.
That's not to generalize and say all women are that way but she was. I've had a few that did that to me. I don't talk to them anymore because I don't know about everyone else but I don't like to be used.
Yeah, I don't understand your line of thinking here. How does a woman telling you that you should date someone that's good for you being used? | |
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| Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 6/23/2008 1:28:54 PM | | A lot of times I'll end up in a scenario where a woman mostly keeps in contact with me because I say funny things a lot, so I end up being kept around as entertainment. Nothing makes me break off contact with somebody faster than the idea that they're using me like some kind of cheap toy. | |
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| Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 6/23/2008 2:02:31 PM | | I agree with what the above poster said, cause girls tend to drop their friends as soon as they get a boyfriend, I've seen it happen to girls who are best of friends. Not to mention, the new guy prob wont like if the girl he is seeing is friends with a bunch of guys. Seen a lot of awkward situations there too. | |
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| Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 6/23/2008 2:04:34 PM | Msg. #232 - If you feel USED because some women like your sense of humour - you have some MAJOR ISSUES to resolve within yourself. I don't think any woman would keep a guy around JUST because he's funny! There has to be more to the guy than that - so please don't insult our intelligence! Anyhow, who has the time to keep in touch with a guy just because he's funny? For me, a guy would have to offer a lot more than his sense of humour - like interesting conversation, at the very least!
OP - give us women a break! We're more intelligent than you might believe. I think you're ASSUMING that (some) women want you around just because you're funny - although you may be right IF you DON'T have anything else to offer!
P.S. Msg. #233 - you are so right and I don't respect women who drop their women friends as soon as they get a boyfriend. In addition, they want those same friends BACK once they are single again. Most men don't do that. That's one reason why I prefer male friends - they don't shove their friends aside - maybe at first when they start a new relationship, but this is usually temporary (unlike a lot of women I know). | |
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| Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 6/23/2008 2:18:01 PM | Why mess about with girls who are friends when you could have so much more ?
Friends are a double edged sword.
They can be positive in your life or negative.
My ex had a friend who kept telling my ex I wasnt good enough for her or treat her right !
But, the same friend used to chat me up at the slightest chance !
If that is friends who needs enemies ? | |
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| Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 6/23/2008 2:56:24 PM |
Msg. #232 - If you feel USED because some women like your sense of humour - you have some MAJOR ISSUES to resolve within yourself. I don't think any woman would keep a guy around JUST because he's funny! There has to be more to the guy than that - so please don't insult our intelligence! Anyhow, who has the time to keep in touch with a guy just because he's funny? For me, a guy would have to offer a lot more than his sense of humour - like interesting conversation, at the very least!
It isn't a case of "oh no she thinks I'm funny THAT WHORE", it's somebody who only talks to me when they're bored, or comes by and literally says "okay, entertain me!", then whines to me about their stupid pseudoboyfriend because they expect me to chime in and cut into them, or the endless requests for me to do something they want like I'm some kind of f'in organ grinder's monkey. When I ask if they want to hang out and see a movie, I get brushed off. When I want to talk about something that happened to be that day, I get nothing in return even though I have to listen to her babble about her stupid job and fat coworkers. Every time they talked to me, it's prefaced with "I'm bored". It starts to wear on you, and that's why I just stopped talking to her and others like her. I can only take that BS for so long.
I'm not insulting your collective intelligence, just some of you. | |
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| Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 6/23/2008 3:34:25 PM | I have read through all of the responses and I still don't have a clue. I think the definition of friend is different for everyone.
I have know a woman for about 8 years. She has had 3 boyfriends and I have gotten married and separated. There are times we don't talk or see each other for months. Over the last 6 months we have been going out more. We laugh and have fun and talk serious and it is great. I have always been attracted to her and want more. She told a friend of mine that she was not attracted to me about 4 years ago.
We started going out once a week about two months ago and have not talked for a month until yesterday. Now she says she was afraid to call me because she thought I wanted more out of the relationship and she was afraid to ask me about it because it would mean the end of our 'friendship' and did I understand she wanted to be friends only. I told her I liked her alot and that I wasn't gay. She said that I was her most important friendship and she didn't want to lose it. I said fine we were friends. She also has stated to me 'no more boyfriends'.
I don't care what everyone else thinks, I think I have a chance with her. I believe if I take it slow and careful she will change her mind about me. She has had terrible luck with men in the past, but we don't talk about it ever. Maybe I am delusional about this. I know that when we part for the night and hug, I move to break contact and she doesn't let go for a while and even holds onto me harder, then she looks at me longingly when I leave. She wants to be friends, then fine. She doesn't ask me to fix anything and she doesn't make me pay for everything. I think the line between friends and lovers is blurry at best and as long as I am content for now, it is fine with me. | |
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| Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 6/23/2008 4:03:45 PM | Msg #237 - In my experience, and my friends', we usually KNOW fairly quickly whom we want as a boyfriend and/or whom we are attracted to - and this RARELY changes over time! There are exceptions, of course, but I have personally never seen this 'change' with myself or my friends - so I think it's very rare. Attraction and chemistry, etc. is either there or it's not - and almost all of us know this to be true. YOU must have experienced this yourself (being 50) - that when you're NOT attracted to someone on a sexual/physical level, it usually does not change. So keep on dreaming and hoping - but I personally think you are living in "FantasyLand" - she would have made the 'moves' on you already if she wanted you as an intimate partner, especially since she has already given you good hugs - which does NOT mean that she wants anything else from you. You need to ACCEPT this and not wait around for her - but, of course, that is your choice.
I agree with others that friendship can mean and be different things to different people - although I agree with someone else in this post who said that 'acquaintances' or people you rarely see, are not the same as friends whom you keep in regular contact. Also, a true friendship means that BOTH people get something from it - not just ONE person! I would not remain friends with anyone who was selfish, self-absorbed, dishonest, or 'used' me on a regular basis. Sometimes we need to be there completely for someone, but they should also reciprocate sometimes, and if they don't do that, then they are NOT 'real' friends. We have a right (at any time) to dissolve any friendship that we no longer find meaningful or to our enjoyment. We all have our own reasons for being friends with certain people, but if things change for the worse along the way - then we need to be smart and terminate the friendship - whether that be with a male or female! For instance, I ended a friendship with a guy who kept bugging me to go out with him - even though I was open and honest from the start and told him I was NEVER EVER going to go out with him. I ended the friendship and told him why - solely because he kept 'pestering' me - this was sad, because I did enjoy our friendship before he ruined things between us. I guess it's true that SOME people CANNOT be friends with the opposite sex! | |
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| Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 6/23/2008 4:34:07 PM | I always tell girls who just want to be friends, that I have more than enough friends and not enough room. Meaning I can't be friends with girls I am seriously attracted to. And I've seen guys who do follow the friend thing, and they look like losers.
Honestly, when I'm with someone fine, and one of her close friends happens to be a dude, I'm so hoping he's gay lol. Seriously I'd rather him be one of the girls. When a guy is a good friend he always ends up spoiling the party for the guy who gets her the right way with attraction coming first. Guys who are good friends with girls you are dating are the biggest buzzkillers at the end, especially when they break down and confess their true feelings to the girl. Total losers
Me personally I have some great female friends, but if I were attracted to them, I end up keeping them as aquantances, especially if they are with a guy who is a total champ and gets my respect. | |
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| Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 6/23/2008 6:51:16 PM |
I have always been attracted to her and want more. She told a friend of mine that she was not attracted to me about 4 years ago.
We started going out once a week about two months ago and have not talked for a month until yesterday. Now she says she was afraid to call me because she thought I wanted more out of the relationship and she was afraid to ask me about it because it would mean the end of our 'friendship' and did I understand she wanted to be friends only. I told her I liked her alot and that I wasn't gay. She said that I was her most important friendship and she didn't want to lose it. I said fine we were friends. She also has stated to me 'no more boyfriends'.
To me, that's a pretty clear "it's not gonna happen" especially if this is happening over the span of four years or more. Not only is she not attracted, she's afraid to give the impression that she is by being vague, so she spelled it out.
I don't care what everyone else thinks, I think I have a chance with her. I believe if I take it slow and careful she will change her mind about me. She has had terrible luck with men in the past, but we don't talk about it ever. Maybe I am delusional about this.
Yet this is the message you got. Amazing. | |
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| Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 6/23/2008 8:45:56 PM | Such long posts for such an easy question.
A woman can have a lover whenever she wants, therefore she seeks something more.
Men have to jump thru flaming hoops just for the off-chance a woman will let him out of the friend-zone & into her heart.
Its as simple as that. | |
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| Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 6/24/2008 7:17:25 AM | "P.S. Msg. #233 - you are so right and I don't respect women who drop their women friends as soon as they get a boyfriend. In addition, they want those same friends BACK once they are single again. "
You got it. I've had major relationship issues just because I didnt "drop" my friends and spend 24/7 with her. Well guess what, now whos around and who isnt? | |
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| Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 6/24/2008 7:43:50 AM | "not many women are going to bonk anything with a impressive portfolio or a perfect six pack....but there aren't too many men who won't want to bonk someone who just walks by them with big kajungas.... you guys are all about the physical and there has to be physical attraction, I read somewhere almost 50 % of men think about sex several times a day, double the rate of women.... that is just "
Have you actually took the time to read most of the female profiles in here? Please take the time, then re-think your wording here, for your sake and to save face.
My problem is that I am a listener, I pay attention to what has been said or what I read. So I would have to say I dissagree with what you have written here.
Then there are the other 99 billion dating sites as well, most women post on there that they are looking for and attractive, well kept shape of a man. hmm. I wonder why they are still single?
I myself have been taking the time to find myself agian after my divorce, So I have been reading female profiles for sometime and they all point to " Attractive, Abs of steel, and going to cheat on me the next chance they get, since they are so hot, and must be taller than 6 foot, so I have to look up to you."
This is made it respect to the funny and humorous things we all put in our profiles. | |
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| Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 6/24/2008 8:09:49 AM | | Hi krillbee, I think most guys experience sexual attraction much quicker than women,and ,by the time you want to be friends,something has usually come up between you!!. Women on the other hand don't experience this curse,at least not as quickly,and have a chance to become friends before sex rears it's ugly (only kidding) head!! | |
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| Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 6/24/2008 8:14:32 AM | Women love guys as friends because
1) They have the idea that guys are less petty and gossipy than girls
2) They know that probably won't go for the same guy you do, and even if they do the guy
probably won't like them back.
3) They hope they'll tell them why their boyfriends broke up with them.
4) Sometimes they'll act like your boyfriend and pay for you.
5) Sometimes they'll act like your boyfriend and lie to you and say you look good.
Men and girls as friends
1) Another girl who doesn't want to date them whoopee! NOT
2) Guys will probably have sex with any of their girlfriends, if it's offered, even if the attraction isn't strong.
3) Guys KNOW that girls are usually more dramatic than any of their guy friends.
4) When guys go to a bar with a girlfriend they feel obligated to take her home safely, even if a real prospect asked them home.
5) Most people really don't want to pay for someone who has no interest in them. | |
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| Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 6/24/2008 8:27:28 AM |
Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
The unbuttered truth? Because women have lots and lots of options and they know it... and the more options they have, the more options they want - so they put 99% of men into the friends category virtually immediately - knowing full well that someone better could come along at any moment. Of the 1% left, about one tenth of that single percent will be deemed as "keepers"... these are the fortunate souls that will be able to escape the dreaded friends category and all the games as well. These are the guys that will be taken seriously and win her heart.
Options... it's all about options, that's why even though you know you're all that and a side of fries... to most every woman you meet, you're just (Yawn...) a great friend. Ever notice how some of these women here are on literally hundreds of favorites lists? They're a bit choosy, hmm... I wonder why... OPTIONS - the more they have, the more they want. Because there's always that false hope within them that if sooooo many men are crazy about them, then it's just a matter of time until that absolute unequivocal dream guy comes along - the one that any woman would die to have - the one that is just simply too good to pass up.
And oh yeah... for any of the men who already realize all this, don't dare ever let on like you do. Feign ignorance, trust me.
Now, let's see who the first woman will be to step up and tell me how full of bullshit I am and how I'm just riddled with mysogynistic tendencies. Male brownie point seekers, you can feel free to jump in there too =.= | |
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| Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 6/24/2008 8:43:19 AM | I want to applaud those who spoke of themselves and how they are in this friends thing, and how disappointing I find it when some can only speak of some theory as if a spectator in life only. Man, so many faulty generalizations in this thread...yet so very telling about their writers.
A specific example for me some years ago in particular was when I was trying to get close to a girl when one day she called me "bud"...a buddy. My heart sank for a moment as I speculated as to the meaning of "bud". She wanted parts of me, but not all of me? I never asked. At one point I did assume I may not be good looking enough, at least as her idea of good looking went. Was it my looks? Was I smart enough? Did I have enough money? Could it be the irreverent humor I sometimes was prone to? I continued to speculate over this well intentioned young lady who sought me out.
I had learned enough from her as I continued my "bud" role and eventually was able to draw a reasonable conclusion. She was a Debutante; trained very well by an adoptive Father and Mother. I should say, thoroughly trained, as very well sounds like it was done right in all respects. Her Father, not an affectionate man, very cerebral and calculating, fell way short of simple positive affirmation and I gather didn't exactly light up when she entered a room.
In time I excepted another invitation for lunch with her where we unwittingly seated ourselves beside a table where a Father was instructing his 1st grader Daughter as if she was 20 years old. My friend quietly remarked to me, "That's what my Dad did to me". I replied, "And you spend the rest of your life looking for your Father". My friend, under an apparent realization of the totally synaptic kind, now knew as I had that she hoped for "better Father" in me.
When she dropped me off, I kissed her cheek with a faint sense that this was a final affection. I never heard from her again. I loved Lindsey (Lindso) though she struggled to know it, but it was so much better for her to part from our 20 year age difference with her advanced understanding to find her place where she would hopefully no longer have to work out her past in the lives of others, but know she can be loved with abandoned.
I'm still her"bud", though I never see her, because "buds" are good too. | |
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| Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 6/24/2008 9:03:06 AM | Well, there are many types of likeness and attraction, such as intellectual, physical, emotional, etc. Some attractions are possibly not even defined or categorized because of the confusion of all the terms that relate to likeness and love.
I can like a guy and want him only as a friend. However, if I am attracted a guy in a romantic way, I do not want to be just friends with him. | |
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