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| Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 7/15/2007 5:54:47 AM | Maybe because many girls know that many (if not most) girls are too competitive towards each other and thus a guy/boy is a better choice of a true friend. He may still want to get into her panties but he will not double cross her as some of her "girl friends" tend to do. Is there true friendship between a man and a woman? Well, in any case, it is more true than between many (most?) women, so women know but will not admit, LIFE SAYS.
And life, full of oxymora, catch 22s, etc, is always right! Myths may say otherwise. | |
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| Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 7/15/2007 5:58:39 AM | I often refer to myself as old fashion with a modern day twist. I never judge what someone else is into, as long as it doesn’t affect my life. I cherish my male friends & respect their lives very highly. I have some friends who in my eyes are attractive & can be quite handsome when dressed up . I am not into the booty call, or friends with benefits, scenario. Maybe, I wished I could be at times, cause we are all human & have desire to be expressed & at least you do know the person…..I just can’t turn my emotions on & off like that or distant myself to be objective afterwards. I would find it very stressful, if I was sexually aroused by a friend & I would be constantly analyzing all my action. 
Frustration at a new height............
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| Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 7/15/2007 6:09:46 AM | You may have heard the saying "a guy cant be just friends with a girl he is attracted to", but the same saying doesnt get said for women. Why is this?
Ummmm...yeh, the same CAN be said for women. If you've been placed in the "just friends" category, we're not physically/sexually attracted to you. And I'd imagine the exact same thing can be said for men.
Could it be that women just are more interested in having guys as friends than guys are in having women that are friends?
Maybe. Most of us like men in general, and having a straight male friend is pretty much like having a gay male friend. We don't "want" you, and trust you not to "want" us. Cross the line and you're removed from the "just friends" category.
Could it be that men just arent as good and handling it when they are attracted to a woman but cant have her?
Again, if someone tells you they want to be just friends, they aren't physically/sexually attracted to you.
Edit: This is assuming that the woman in question is unattached. | |
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| Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 7/15/2007 6:25:37 AM | This actually just happened to me. This girl I was interested in hangs out with some of my friends. We were getting close for awhile, I was attracted, so I made a move and told her what I wanted. She said no, and asked "Can we still remain friends?" -- I said, we can, but we'll rarely talk. And we're not going to be close" She had this disappointed look and said "So things are going to change." -- I said, yes they will.
So since that time I've talked to her maybe 3-4 times, and it's been about 6 months. At any rate last night she showed up with a bunch of my friends by surprise while we were out playing pool. I felt ambushed. When she arrived I said hello, and then I tried to stay away from her for the rest of the evening. It was the most uncomfortable situation. I decided to leave very early, and as I left everyone wanted to "shake, it nuckles, hug etc." -- well I said "peace" to all the other folks, but when I came to her, I just wanted to take her hand, briefly shake, and get the hell out. Instead she says "Give me a hug." -- and I revolted. I said, no really I'm in a hurry, and I extended my hand.
She then began asking -- making a scene -- why I wouldn't hug her. Finally I just said "I feel sick, so please, let me leave."
She just looked at me like I was evil, but I left fast. It was embarrassing being there, but this is what happens when you take a risk to date someone who you really think you'll connect with. | |
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| Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 7/15/2007 6:42:18 AM | When I read the title I thought this was about why women chat with other women on this site and men don't seem to contact other men very often at all. It seems to me that the men who appreciate friendship on an emotional level tend to get on better with women and regard their male friends as people they do stuff with rather than people they connect with. The cliché is that emotional intimacy and being part of an emotional support network of friends is more highly valued by females than by males and I think that this is generally true and it would suggest that women are generally more interested in sustaining platonic friendship than men. There are always exceptions.
In a male-female friendship there is a responsibility that does not exist in same-sex friendships (assuming hetrosexuality). This responsibility is to recognise the potential that the two have to become attracted to each other. I don't think I have ever seen this put into words and I am struggling to do so, but feel that responsibility is the key word. If I am friends with a man I consider it my responsibility to not treat his heart lightly. The boundaries of friendship and romantic love can be fuzzy but I think you know when you're heading in that direction with a person, or when there is a danger of doing so and it's irresponsible and careless of their feelings if you let that happen without being free and able to truly love them in that way. I think it very important to take responsibility for the feelings created as a result of relating in any dimension, but with friends this is underlined because of what friendship means.
It's generally considered flattering when someone is attracted to you and people enjoy the power and ego-boost of this and they don't always think how damaging or hurtful it might be for one who wants to pursue something they cannot. This "friend-zone" unhappiness occurs when one party develops or originally had an attraction for the other, who becomes aware of this but holds the attracted person at bay; wanting to keep their love and friendship and support and admiration even knowing that the attraction is one-sided. I think this is not friendship but see it as a form of abuse. If someone is attracted to you and you are not attracted to them then it is doing them a wrong to hold them in an unbalanced friendship, stopping them from finding someone who is free and able to love them in that way. In most cases I think it would be best to step a long way back from the friendship so as not to feed/sustain the attraction. Alternatively, it would be more compassionate to develop a sufficiently repulsive habit to put them off.
“A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy.”Nietzsche. | |
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| Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 7/15/2007 7:16:16 AM | Ron - I find nothing much at all in your reasoning with which to disagree
Younger guys may not identify with it but who cares?
I have had a few female friends over the years - but none that I wanted to have more of a relationship with - and that includes just sex.
And - I agree that all 'friends' are not necessarily on the same level as those friends you hang out with.
My two cents . . . Joe | |
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| Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 7/15/2007 7:19:56 AM | | There is a big difference between being friends and hanging out with an ex. I am friends with several of my former lovers, but, I don't hang out with them. When I see them it is in a group with shared friends. I do talk on the phone with them, and I do email them occasionally. I think spending alone time with someone I was intimate with when they or I have moved on, is not fair to any of the 3 or possibly 4 people involved. That said, I have several male friends who are and have always been just friends. I see them and I do hang with them but when I am involved with someone, they are always welcome to join us. And when one of us is involved and we hang - it's in a public place - not at each other's houses watching TV, but usually at Starbucks or Panera. Those are my policies for what it's worth. | |
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Fwens
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Joined: 5/18/2007
Msg: 34 | |
| Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 7/15/2007 7:57:24 AM | That's why I'm only friendly with guys who are married - no danger of giving single guys the wrong idea/hope that I like them in more than a platonic way.
Of course, not all single men want to jump me, but hey, better safe than sorry. | |
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| Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 7/15/2007 8:02:45 AM | | This is an interesting question as I have always had a lot of guy friends. I was a tomboy growing up, and like to do a lot of the things guys like to do. Most of my female friends don't want to break a fingernail. Some here have suggested that a guy friend is just a d*ck in a jar, not true, lots of my female friends have guy friends they just hang out with. Albeit, there are women who 'collect' male friends and keep them handy just in case, I think for the most part most women just like to have men to talk to, offer a different point of view, and yes, cry on their shoulder once in a while. But, that's what friends are for, right? Men are more visual, and if they are physically attracted to a woman it is hard for them to just be friends. This has caused me problems once or twice, unfortunately, and I have had to completely terminate at least one friendship. One or two others have simply faded from my life. Too bad. | |
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| Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 7/15/2007 8:05:07 AM | I realised that I never answered the OP's questions. I have actually been in both situations, and this is much more complicated and yet simple that the OP is making out.
You may have heard the saying "a guy cant be just friends with a girl he is attracted to", but the same saying doesnt get said for women. Why is this? Many reasons, but it all boils down to the same thing: men & women approach life in 2 different ways.
Most "friends" are not friends, but people we hang out with. That being said, the real question is: why hang out with someone who the friendship is not really that special with and have a sexual attraction and not act on it?
Guys are problem solvers, and girls are more accepting of things as they are, and being attracted to someone is a problem.
As a result of this, guys are expected to make the moves, and girls to wait until they do.
But this puts all of the control in the guys' hands. To balance this out, the girl will do everything she can to ensure everything is on her terms.
So any friendship with a guy will always be unfairly stacked towards the woman. That makes the woman much happier and more secure, and the opposite for the guy. What guy wants that?
The ONLY time that guys are happy to be friends with a woman is when she is making it easier for they guy than herself. But most people act selfishly today, so this is rarely the case nowadays.
Could it be that women just are more interested in having guys as friends than guys are in having women that are friends? Nope, it's just that girls like having a boyfriend far more than guys do, and are far more interested in their boyfriends than their friends, and every guy friend could be a boyfriend and their female friends can never be that. So as long as they are not in a loving, committed relationship that they honestly believe will last forever, they will prefer guys over girls. If they have a boyfriend, they will only continue to hang out with guys if they are unsure if they want to stay with their current boyfriend.
I have many friendships with women. But what I have found is that when a single woman gets to know me, she will remain friends until she meets someone new, and then she stops talking to me. If she becomes single again, then suddenly she gets to talking again. The only women who have stayed friends were women in happy committed long-term relationships.
Could it be that men just arent as good and handling it when they are attracted to a woman but cant have her? Nope. Women react far more angrily when their advances are rejected than men. But they are far better at accepting a guy who just hasn't tried it on yet. However, men are far worse with a woman they haven't tried it on yet. He wants to solve the problem, and prove it will either never happen, or is happening right away.
What could it be? As I said, it's down to their approach. Women don't ask men out, and that leaves all the power with the men. So women try and balance it out, by maintaining friendships where they are in control, and being in a friendship where the other person pulls all the strings will upset anyone.
There are many women who have a lot of male friends. But all of them are happily married, and don't see men as a threat. There just aren't women who are confident enough to go out and meet new men w/out relying to their male friends to either get dates, or to date them themselves.
A woman would rather be with any man than stay alone, like a widow. | |
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| Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 7/15/2007 8:08:24 AM | Single people are typically open to the next relationship. Women have confided in me that, when they're single, they're also looking for a guy to become the next boyfriend, and occassionally pick up a friend or two on the way through dating. I can only hope that we men are capable of doing the same thing! Some explanations for the stereotype, off the top of my head, though:
- Men tend to go logically, while women go emotionally. Men are looking for the next girlfriend, but women are meeting people, and may establish bonds that have no bearing on wether or not a romantic relationship is going to exist.
- Men take longer to establish connections than women, so it's harder to consider someone a friend after a few times hanging out. In my experience, some women consider everyone they've ever had a pleasant conversation with to be a friend.
- More single men than single women will only try and have a conversation with a new person if they're attempting to begin a romantic relationship. Since society says that men have to be the initiators of these conversations, the woman can either be a **** and refuse to talk to us, or she can try and find some redeeming quality in the guy whose taken the time and built up the courage to talk to her... why not find someone nice to say, and have a good chat?
My friends are pretty much split 50/50, male and female. Yes, if things changed for the worse for some of my female friends, I would be open to dating them. However, I've been honest about it with the women involved, so they're aware of that issue, and it doesn't have to be discussed ever, after the first time of being totally honest with yourself and the lady. But I've also come to understand that these women are the best ones to help you meet compatible single women, because they know you well, and can help you find someone who'll put up with your crap and not make you want to run away halfway through the first date.
* Also, friends are a valuable and important resource. Why convince yourself that you can't have friends of the opposite gender? You're cutting down on your options. But if you know that you'll actively try and sleep with anyone of the opposite sex who attracts you physically, well, at least you're being honest with yourself and know what lines not to cross. | |
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j5rush
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Joined: 4/13/2006
Msg: 39 | |
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| Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 7/15/2007 8:22:33 AM | | I noticed that girls on his site say"looking for friends" but are actually looking for more then. I met alot of girls on here that say freinds but as soon as they find a BF, that's then end of our friendship...Guess they were looking for more then. One of the girls i met on here ...was totaly ****ed...messageing that she knew who i was and like me ..sending intense emails...next it was friends...then she would flirt again..so..on. I don't understand what girls want on here, i find almost every girl i met on here to be shallow, expecting tooooooooooo much. I don't find them interstesting but i leave the door open for us to get to know each other, but they expect me to do all the chating i here. I've been on here over a year, met many girl;s that say "freinds" well these freinds are no longer chating with me...trhey have a BF. To me all girls that say "looking for friends" I now avoide this type, it just means they are confused and immature and should not be on here...i mean this is mainly a dating site . The name says it all. for explample if a girl was searching for a female, they would mainly get a list of lesbians..not girls looking for freinds. and as far as i learned it is very diffult to be friends with girls that say friends..cuz they like to give wrong signals...THEY WANT MORE but wont say it to u...cuz they are immature and unsure....ummmmCONFUSED..and i don't need that | |
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| Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 7/15/2007 8:33:33 AM | | Scorpio...I often enjoy your posts, and find them wrought with wisdom, but this time I really have to disagree with your thinking. I've ALWAYS had male friends... not as a 'collector', nor as a fill-in until I met someone I wanted to pursue a relationship with. I have some of my male friends that have been really close for over 15 years....that means they remained close friends while I was married, and while they were also. We've always introduced our current partners, and if we had partners they were involved in our activities to whatever extent they wanted to be. Certainly at times our respective partners had feelings of jealousy, but I have to honestly say that was a problem within themselves...NOT with how our friendships were defined. If I met someone I wanted to pursue a relationship with, and they wanted me to cease hanging out with my buddies...I'm afraid they'd move to my undateable list. There ARE people out there that know how to conduct themselves properly, that can have a genuine affection for someone of the opposite sex, without having it tainted by sexual overtones... | |
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| Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 7/15/2007 8:49:01 AM | I can be friends with a woman I'm not physically attracted to, but if there's any sexual or romantic attraction whatsoever, then it will not be a good friendship. Either she or I will want more while the other is happy being "friends".
Usually when a woman wants to be "just friends", that means she's not attracted to the guy whatsoever. Sure, they can go out and eat or whatever, but he's not going to get any sex or affection from her.
I tried being "friends" with a girl I was attracted to years ago. I even took her to the mall and ate pizza. Funny thing is, when she was looking at dresses, she didn't talk about her boyfriend non-stop, but she did when we were in the food court with lots of people around. It was like she was advertising to the rest of the world that I was NOT her boyfriend. Thinking about it now, maybe I should have brought up her sex life with him just to get her to shut up about it. "So, you ever go down on him?"  On the way back to her house I gave her a small license plate with her name on it. She didn't seem to appreciate it. And when we got to her house, I had to initiate a hug and she gave me a weak-a$$ one at that.
So yeah, fellows, when a girl puts you in the friend zone, "dump" her a$$ and move on because you're not going to get any from her. | |
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| Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 7/15/2007 9:00:38 AM | | If there's any sexual aspect on the basis of either party, latent or obvious, it's not friendship, it's waiting for an opportunity. And if that fails, they keep us around to use as an emotional tampon for what they can't tell their current boyfriend and cause we're still useful for moving furniture and squishing spiders even when it's over. Thus women as anything but coworker or for doing something vitally necessary to our survival are completely optional. | |
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| Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 7/15/2007 9:21:27 AM | genuine_me77 * Also, friends are a valuable and important resource. Why convince yourself that you can't have friends of the opposite gender? You're cutting down on your options.
Yeah I agree.. I like to have men friends.. I can talk to them about differant things like what's wrong with my truck.. lol
And the fact that they have differant views also is a plus.. I can chat with my room mate, best gal friend ( she's like a siter). But when it comes to talking about men with her she (like most women) goes into the "It's ok, you'll find someone better, it's not you, it's him"..
When I talk to a male friend he tells me the things I need to know, not nessasarily what I want to hear. He can do that without hurting my feeling and being honest at the same time.. That's why I like to have male friends.. They can give you a MAN's perspective on a question without the Sisterly (if I tell you the honest truth it might hurt your feelings) advice. | |
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| Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 7/15/2007 10:27:31 AM | WOW!!! I didnt realize there were so many jaded guys out there...
A friend is forever...when was the last time any of us could say that about a lover? My guess is there are more single people on this site than married ones...and the ones that are married and on here...I would guess that their spouse isnt someone they consider a "friend"...just a guess... | |
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| Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 7/15/2007 10:27:36 AM | I think women one tend to develop friendships more slowly, and are better communicators. We tend to move on if there is no chemistry initially. I have had women friends though. For the most part I have found that when a women says she wants to be just friends, it means she is moving on, and would like for you not to give her any grief. Just my perspective which if I was so smart I would have my own tv show like Dr Phil.  | |
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| Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 7/15/2007 10:50:15 AM | Simple. If you have put a woman in the"for me" catagory, why would you want to spend time with that person if your"for me" catagaory is trumped by the"rejected" label she gives you as a friend? I makes a man feel lousy. Maybe unrequited love looks good in books and is romantic somehow, but in real life you just feel rejected.
So if she wants to be "friends" I say I don't because the world is hard enough without being constantly reminded that your search for love has been rejected.
That is why men are all bitter and feel "used" when a woman wants to be friends. Like someone comes over and drives your car around and never puts gas in to replace what thay have used. A woman wants all the benefits emotionally of a bf, but none of the responsability of that relationship. They want free support. I feel like a fool in those situations, knowing that love is on my mind and will NEVER be on hers so I avoid those constant "you aren't good enough" messages and let her go forth and find some fool who likes that feeling of being not enough. | |
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