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| Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 7/16/2007 9:20:11 AM | I have to say that I'm "just friends" with my guy friends because there's just something there that stops me from wanting a relationship with them. One friend of mine might possibly be dating material, except that he drinks like a friggin' fish (I swear he's an alcoholic in denial), we disagree on religion, and he doesn't want kids. I don't drink at all, and I have a child. Sure, there's an attraction, but it isn't simply physical attraction that determines my relationships. It's a part of it, but a bigger part is values, communication, and how we treat each other. For me, those things enhance the physical attraction, while a lack of those things lessen the physical attraction. Also, when I meet a guy that I think looks great, but upon talking to him I find out he's involved with someone, that flips a switch that says "off-limits" and kills the attraction. When I'm involved with someone, I don't find anyone else attractive.. I don't know how it works-- it just does. I can be friends with a guy whose values differ from mine. I cannot be his girlfriend.
When I put a guy into the "friends first" category, that doesn't mean "friends only." That means, for me, that I like the guy and I want to find out a little more about him before I commit to a relationship with him. I may decide later that I don't want to date him, but it will have nothing to do with what he physically looks like. | |
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| Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 7/16/2007 9:25:16 AM | "Friends first" is a good policy and one I'd advocate as well. After all, haste makes waste.
On the only hand, when a woman says, "Let's just be friends", then he's not going to get any. And I don't mean just sex but also romantic affection. | |
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| Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 7/16/2007 11:31:29 PM | That was the point there. Nothing insulting about that
Actually there's a lot insulting about that. perhaps the most insulting is that a woman who believes that will always treat men as meat or a lacivious whore and never create, or permit, opportunities for real friendship. People tend to get what they are looking for. | |
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| Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 7/17/2007 1:01:50 AM |
Here's the reality. Not everyone wants to get sexually/romantically involved right away, men and women. And some people just don't like you at all "that way". Make sure you really mean "just friends" and not "friends first" because there can be a world of difference in meaning. Some people just want to know that you have patience and are not possessive and do not think that labeling relationships right away gives you any right to anything in the future. Let people be who they are. If you don't like it, leave them alone. Since when should anything anyone wants be more important than another person's wants. Leave people be and look for someone who wants what you want and be done with it.
Please don't make this just about women. One day a man complains women wanting to be friends. The next day a man complains about women wanting a commitment too soon. What option are you men (as a whole, since you believe you're speaking for all men) leaving us exactly? (as if I don't know already) Thank you but that's a mind f*ck I just can't win, and I'm not even going to try anymore. Somebody let me know when you figure out what YOU want, and maybe we can work something out. There are plenty of women who don't need you as a friend or a partner, or as anything else for that matter. I'm just not one of them, not if I'm going sleep with you anyway, which of course I won't because I only want to be friends.
I won't sleep with anyone who I don't love.....and I can't love anyone who isn't my friend. Is it that complicated??? Holy Hell......... | |
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| Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 7/20/2007 5:55:00 PM | Let's see, where to start... I have a couple female friends who are just friends - never seen 'em neked. Now, having said that, I'd have to be gay if I claimed I didn't want to see them naked. But I am cool with not seeing them naked. And most importantly, I'd never want to have a full on relationship with either. I know too much about them! LOL
I think the best benefit of a opposite sex friend is the perspectives you can get from them. Once I'm in a committed relationship, however, my focus is my girl - not a female friend. Respect the one you're with! One of my female friends told me "I always know when you're dating someone - I never hear from you." LOL | |
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| Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 7/21/2007 4:01:46 AM | Once the flood gates open and you allow yourself into that persons world in a romantic context that is where it all ends. If you fall for them, and If they send all the right signals [from your perspective] and you decide to make your move only to find out they aren't interested [i.e. You're rejected], remaining friends with them is a swift sharp kick to the balls every single time you talk to them, hear about them, see them, even worse -- when they start dating someone else.
That's just one guy's perspective. I do believe men and women can be friends, but I don't believe it's healthy for one or the other to stay friends once they've fallen for the other, especially if the other flat out said no.
That's just being cruel to yourself to stick around, unless you can somehow emotionally detach. If you manage to do that, you're a god damn super hero, because I am the king of detachment and even I couldn't do it. I protect myself. I rarely let myself connect to anyone unless I'm certain it will be reciprocated, but like I said, sometimes you have to take risks, and sometimes you can do your best and still lose. | |
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| Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 7/21/2007 6:59:14 AM | IMO, it takes a certain maturity level to be friends with the opposite sex ~ and also a tremendous level of respect for the other as a purrson, not an attraction figure. I have several male friends ~ some I have been intimate with in the past, some not. With a few of these, certain "attractions" have been pointed out, discussed, laughed at, and gotten past into what we truly see in each other ~ someone we admire, respect, trust, but don't want to spoil the true intimacy of a genuine friendship with falling into bed with one another { meaning no boundaries are crossed, despite certain "thoughts" that may cross our minds from time to time}.
~ JMO ~ >>^..^<<
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| Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 7/22/2007 7:31:53 AM | it depends on who the person is, whether you have that connection that you feel you would want to take things further into a relationship, but sometimes it is better to be friends and not rush into something that might not be right for a person. boyfriends may come and go for some, but a friendship can be something better where you can get to know a person for their own special qualities, and you can't have too many friends either  | |
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| Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 7/22/2007 8:55:04 AM | Krillbee,
I just had a conversation with a male POF member who I've been chatting with, and he clearly stated he does NOT want women as merely friends, and then I asked if he had any women friends, and he said no. He wants to date, but I don't believe he wants anything serious. Course, when I suggested he might be really just looking for a 'friends with benefit' scenario he said that wasn't it at all. Needless to say it left me puzzled and a bit confused. His words to me were 'I don't want a one night stand' , which made me wonder..does he want a whole bunch with the same woman??? (Okay, now I'm wondering if he's going to read this and be pissed..oh well..sh*t happens)
I have found men tend to be really GOOD friends. One of my very best and dearest friends in the world is a man. I certainly have a lot of female friends, but I would say I have just as many, if not more male friends in my life. I am not sure why some men can't just be friends with a woman, but the same can be said of some women who can't just be friends with men. I have a good friend who lives many states away from me. He and his fiance will be getting married soon and I recently sent him a letter to just ask how he has been and to let him know how my life has been. His fiance knows about me, but she was livid that I sent him a letter. Mind you it was all very innocent and harmless, and he even let her read it...but she was mad jealous and pissed that I sent it.
I do not call his home, and we generally just send emails back and forth. And I told him recently, that though I'll always be his friend, it was high time he focused more on her and their life together and worry less about me. She even said she wished he'd stop using the computer, so I told him perhaps it would be a good idea. He was puzzled that I would feel that way, but I think she, like myelf, would want the man who loves me to focus all his time on me...and worry less about other 'women' in his life. I'm pretty secure in who I am, and maybe that's why I don't have to define the reasons I have male and female friends, but I do remember when I sometimes felt threatened by 'female' friends of my estranged spouse.
I guess there is NO simple answer to why men don't just want to be friends....and why women find no problem with it. But, not all women feel that way either. Least that has been my experience. I cherish all my TRUE friends, regardless of gender, and I certainly understand that when relationships develop the dynamics of a friendship may change, but if they are truly your friends time, distance, a significant other will not matter, because you'll still remain close. | |
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| Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 7/22/2007 6:12:42 PM |
Guys are horny. Every "male friend" a woman has is another guy waiting in line to get in her panties. If he isn't, he is gay or a eunuch!
If a guy finds a woman attractive enough to date or have sex with, then yeah, he's just another guy waiting in line to get into her panties. On the other hand, I can be friends with women I find relatively unattractive, but if they find me attractive, then they don't want to be "just friends", so it works both ways. | |
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| Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 7/22/2007 9:41:15 PM | this site sums it all up http://www.laddertheory.com/ - it's a good read.
This is not only a good read, it is dead on. I found this a very interesting site, and put it by nearly 100 of my customers at the tavern I own, a mix of about 70/30 straight/gay.
Nobody disagreed with it*. Hetero men have the one ladder. There are not, will not, and cannot be female friends who are not sexual/relationship targets. *Note - Hetero men who disagreed were proven to be deceiving, especially when confronted with the scenario of what happens to those female friends when they find themselves in a true relationship.
Hetero women, gay men and lesbians all can maintain and will insist on the two ladders, and they are sincere in it. | |
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| Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 7/22/2007 10:41:10 PM | Hmmmmm there have been some interesting posts and POVs. In my experience..it seems that women have an easier time of separating sexuality from relationships.
In the sense that they are able to acknowledge and deal with an attraction they may feel for someone without having to compromise the entire relationship.
Perhaps we are better at compartmentalizing our feelings. This is my personal experience, I have had friends who I have been sexually attracted to..who did not feel the same way about me, it was addressed and then I made a decision about whether or not I still valued the time I spent with this individual. Most of the time I did...after all there WAS/IS an attraction there so there was something about them that I enjoyed. I dealt with it and we have remained friends. I may still find them to be a physically/sexually attractive human being but the sexual attraction doesnt override my ability to interact with them and enjoy who they are as a person. I have yet to be able to maintain a friendship with a guy who has been very attracted to me. It usually becomes awkward and uncomfortable, and I end up feeling as if I am leading them on. I am still friendly with them but we dont have a friendship. I have mostly female friends, but I do have a few male friends and I will talk to them on the same level I do with my women friends. I think the frustrated pursuit is harder on the men than it is on the women. | |
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