| No virgin....but saving self for marriage now....
Posted: 7/17/2007 2:19:01 AM | It is up to you, but I want sex from relationships. I like it.
I support anyone who has made such a decision, whether it be on religious grounds or any other grounds. But.. if I was dating you long term and we were growing close and serious, I can honestly say I would try to push that barrier back a little at a time. I wouldn't pressure you into sex; that sounds bad. I would try to turn you on enough that you wanted it; that sounds better. | |
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| No virgin....but saving self for marriage now....
Posted: 7/17/2007 4:55:51 AM |
If you've already had sex then those memories of other guys will always be there... it's a little too late for that if this is your reason for becoming celibate. And if you aren't even kissing another guy then I think you'd have a hard time finding a guy.
Ah the beauty of life is that as you get older you tend to forget things.
Add to the the attention span of a gnat and over a decade of not dating and I can guarantee that I would have work very hard to remember details from long ago relationships.
I'm at peace with that.
Actually, I'm rather shocked at how many times I'm approached despite the fact that I've made it clear I'm not into dating. | |
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| No virgin....but saving self for marriage now....
Posted: 7/17/2007 5:32:56 AM | I actually feel like I can speak about this. My sister took this approach at about your age.
It does make it easier to avoid sex-only situations, but can make it harder to find a genuine relationship.
Listen to msg #47 by ren83.
Love for men is like sex for women.
Imagine that a man told you he has fallen for women in the past, but then she left him for someone else, and now he doesn't want to fall in love with anyone until marriage.
He says that "if we are compatible, we will get married, and then the love will flow." How would that feel? Would you wonder why he was sooo willing to fall in love with them, but not tell me "I love you"? Would that not rip your soul apart?
That is how men feel when a woman takes this approach.
If a man said that he would not fall in love with you, tell you he loves you, until marriage, because HE has been played before, that would hurt. You would also tell him he's an accident waiting to happen, and that someone else would marry him and take him for all he's worth.
But if he tells you that all these failed girlfriends has taught him that they never loved him, and now he wants to find someone who is so wonderful and special that he would love her so much that any other woman that he loved would mean nothing to him, and there would only be her in his heart, then you would want him very much indeed.
It's the same with your situation.
Tell me that you are waiting because you did have other men, and it didn't work out, and you are telling me that you are afraid of love.
But tell me that you realise how shallow and self-serving those relationships were FOR YOU, and that now you are saving yourself for someone that you can care about, love and respect, and have the most amazing sex with that you've ever had in your entire life, and that you want to make that man so wonderful to you in so many ways, that NO OTHER MAN EVEN CROSSES YOUR MIND, and I'd get the ring. Today.
I have a few friends who waited until marriage. One is married to a man who had a good few girlfriends. She STILL gets insecure that she is not as good as his other g/fs. He doesn't care, because he fancies her like crazy and is totally in love with him. But it still makes him insecure.
Personally, I would respect your decision, provided that you make me feel MORE SPECIAL than your previous b/fs. That means that when we go out, and there are Chippendales there, you're talking to me, looking at them, and you give me a little squeeze. Then, when one of them comes over and starts dancing all over you, you just cannot help laughing, and when I go to the toilet, and your friends ask you why didn't you put your hands all over such a hunk of a man, you say because he's all skin and muscle, and you get turned on by me, and NOT HIM.
You cannot say I am your one and only. You can only say that I am better than him. If you don't feel that way, make yourself feel that way. If you can't do that, lie to yourself until you believe it. But believe it you must. Because at some point, you will relax and you will reveal how you truly feel to me, or to someone who will end up letting me know.
If I ever know I was always second best, because you gave your all to them and punished me for their bad treatment, you have punished me, and I will no longer feel like you ever loved me at all. From that point on, you would be less to me than a whore.
And for all you women who had unbelievable sex and say "I won't do that anymore", imagine how it would feel it a man planned out the most perfect romantic moment, and says "I won't do that anymore. Been there, done that."
So, if you're going to make me wait, better make the sex worth it, which means that the sex will have to be MORE unbelievable than your previous b/fs. If you cannot do that yet, get fit, do Kegel exercises every day, learn Tantric sex, and read up on the Karma Sutra. Learn to make your fingers and your tongue so sensitive and skilled, that you can make me have an orgasm from a massage. I can do that. Why can't you? | |
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| No virgin....but saving self for marriage now....
Posted: 7/17/2007 7:32:32 AM | Oh joy........
Yeah...that's what every man wants to hear....
"hey...you know...I was a total SLUT who did everything YOU wished you could have done with me....but now I've gone 'legit'. Which means, you STILL will be wishing you could have done everything with me that every OTHER guy got to do because I'll be too damn tired or have a ton of headaches because you're just supposed to LOVE me even WITHOUT all that great sex even after we're MARRIED.........AND I'll get your house in the end......."
YIPPEEEEEEE!!!!!! | |
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| No virgin....but saving self for marriage now....
Posted: 7/17/2007 7:45:23 AM | Msg 47, 54,56 have made some great points.
Holding sex for ransom (for marriage) is not fair to a man who may really love you.
Sorry.
Find a good guy(this seems to be your problem, not sex) and make some new, happier memories. | |
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| No virgin....but saving self for marriage now....
Posted: 7/17/2007 12:52:14 PM | "hey...you know...I was a total SLUT who did everything YOU wished you could have done with me....but now I've gone 'legit'. Which means, you STILL will be wishing you could have done everything with me that every OTHER guy got to do because I'll be too damn tired or have a ton of headaches because you're just supposed to LOVE me even WITHOUT all that great sex even after we're MARRIED.........AND I'll get your house in the end......."
YIPPEEEEEEE!!!!!!"
Pretty much sums up what I was thinking. if she's waiting until marriage I wouldn't stick around. doesn't seem fair I would have to marry her in order to have sex with her where the x number of guys she slept with before didn't have to do a damn thing..
no thanks | |
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eman07
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Joined: 6/30/2006
Msg: 59 | |
| No virgin....but saving self for marriage now....
Posted: 7/17/2007 1:21:41 PM | I wouldnt wait either...i would be on my marry way, but to each his own.....
three things in EVERY relationship that HAS to be there to work
1. communication
2. sex
3 trust
they are not in any order, those are three things EVERY relationship has to have to survive...there are many more obvouisly....but you cant live without those three...
now, If you wait to get married your assuming the sex is gonna be good....well, YOU DONT...so this is why I WONT wait.....
People who are real virgins, i understand, well....cause they never had it to know how important it is....
but to people who have had sex before and all of a sudden make this decision to wait to get married...i really dont get you....
what are you saving yourself for?....
again..not trying to put you down....i just dont understand it thats all....
p.s. to all the guys on here who said they would wait and wait and wait...stop lying your ass off...you will only wait depending on how "hott" she is......
at least im honest about it.....but hey..i wont wait anyway.... | |
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| No virgin....but saving self for marriage now....
Posted: 7/17/2007 1:41:37 PM | Scorpiomover's post #54 sums up my feelings on this subject very well:
Imagine that a man told you he has fallen for women in the past, but then she left him for someone else, and now he doesn't want to fall in love with anyone until marriage. ... That is how men feel when a woman takes this approach.
I have known several women who were 'saving themselves' for marriage which meant that traditional penile/vaginal sex was not allowed. However, if you were "the right guy" (often NOT her respectable, marriage-minded boyfriend) you could have access to her hands, mouth and backdoor.
If you've already had sex with multiple men over a twelve year period (I think that's what the OP said) I'd say the days of viewing your sexuality as a "precious gift I am saving for my one and only" should be in the back of the closet with your teddy bear and your stocking for Santa.
Save your LOVE AND DEVOTION for your one and only. That's the part that counts. | |
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| No virgin....but saving self for marriage now....
Posted: 7/17/2007 2:03:00 PM | If you've already had sex with multiple men over a twelve year period (I think that's what the OP said) I'd say the days of viewing your sexuality as a "precious gift I am saving for my one and only" should be in the back of the closet with your teddy bear and your stocking for Santa.
Whereas I personally agree with the fellow poster's view, I also disagree, in that any woman (or man), whether a virgin or a playboy/girl, is free to view her/his sexuality the way she/he wants to. Other than the STD security dimension, a person's sexual past is their business, unlike previous ("Victorian") times. It is a fundametal human rights issue, IMO. A woman eg has every right to become a "newborn virgin" and view/use her sexuality as such. A man with a criminal record who has done his time is free to live the rest of his life as a law abiding citizen. Anything else violates fundamental human rights.
On the other hand, one has to note the US tendency for "extremes", ie to go from one extreme behaviour to another (the other extreme). The "all in moderation" mantra seems to escape many Americans (not all) IME. But that is not an obligation to be imposed, merely a good philosophy on living.
Live and let live.
Of course that begs the question whether a former "sinner", now "newborn" has the right to "accuse" the other who have always been "moderates" of not being "pure" enough according to the "newborn's" newly acquired standards!
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| No virgin....but saving self for marriage now....
Posted: 7/17/2007 5:41:15 PM | ''Here’s the problem with the car analogy: the car doesn’t have hurt feelings if the driver dumps it back at the used car lot and decides not to buy it. The analogy works great if you picture yourself as the driver. It stinks if you picture yourself as the car.
The contract or consent approach doesn’t really help much either. Living together is fine as long as both people agree to it. The agreement amounts to this: "I am willing to let you use me as if I were a commodity, as long as you allow me to treat you as if you were a commodity." But this is a bogus agreement. We can say at the outset that we agree to be the "man of steel", but no one can credibly promise to have no feelings of remorse if the relationship fails''
http://www.boundless.org/2001/departments/beyond_buddies/a0000498.html | |
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| No virgin....but saving self for marriage now....
Posted: 7/17/2007 7:29:19 PM | I suppose the consensus is that most men would not go for it and think this woman is a so-called game player. And that's cool if he wouldn't go there....there are lots of women that will have plenty of superficial sex with them. Dime a dozen. Visits to the clinic. Drunk dialing and stalkers abound. How awesome for them!
And then there are some that would be open to having an emotional bond before a physical one. And happy and thankful that he's found such a woman to love him like nothing before him mattered in the least. AND have the best sex of his life. How lucky for him!!!
Thanks for your posts and opinions. | |
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SNK!
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Joined: 6/22/2007
Msg: 64 | |
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| No virgin....but saving self for marriage now....
Posted: 7/17/2007 7:58:25 PM | | ~ sorry Kitten ~ make no sense ~ what so ever ~ genie is out of the bottle ~ mature human being ~coupulate ~ period. ~ nothing new ~ nothing shocking ~ or supprising ~ viginity is ~ is something that we all get past in our own sweet time hopefully. ~ and if you think it's been great thus far ~ you are in for a real treat. My daughter's virginity, as a father, is the only one that offers me some consern. ~ and that's a loosing battle a Father fights! Any man that places a burden of that sort on you~ other then your Father ~ is not a man worthy of you. ~I hope this helps you out ~ Dar | |
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| No virgin....but saving self for marriage now....
Posted: 7/17/2007 8:52:44 PM | I suppose the consensus is that most men would not go for it and think this woman is a so-called game player. And that's cool if he wouldn't go there....there are lots of women that will have plenty of superficial sex with them. Dime a dozen. Visits to the clinic. Drunk dialing and stalkers abound. How awesome for them!
And then there are some that would be open to having an emotional bond before a physical one. And happy and thankful that he's found such a woman to love him like nothing before him mattered in the least. AND have the best sex of his life. How lucky for him!!!
Thanks for your posts and opinions.
The above sums up the posts so far? Hm! Did we miss a page or maybe 20 pages?
"And that's cool if he wouldn't go there....there are lots of women that will have plenty of superficial sex with them. Dime a dozen. Visits to the clinic. Drunk dialing and stalkers abound. How awesome for them!"
That is the alternative to what the OP is proposing? No curtain No. 3?
Thanks for asking for our opinion!
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| No virgin....but saving self for marriage now....
Posted: 7/17/2007 9:48:22 PM | I never ever said sleep with every guy you meet
If your have been dating for years and have made that step towards marriage
I believe it is silly not to see if you are sexually compatible
and although sex is not the MAIN part of a marriage it is a very very important part
after all you have to do the deed to get the children
and living in sexless marriage would be horrible | |
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| No virgin....but saving self for marriage now....
Posted: 7/17/2007 11:04:40 PM |
I suppose the consensus is that most men would not go for it and think this woman is a so-called game player. And that's cool if he wouldn't go there....there are lots of women that will have plenty of superficial sex with them. Dime a dozen. Visits to the clinic. Drunk dialing and stalkers abound. How awesome for them!
And then there are some that would be open to having an emotional bond before a physical one. And happy and thankful that he's found such a woman to love him like nothing before him mattered in the least. AND have the best sex of his life. How lucky for him!!!
Here are the two big problem that so many guys keep trying to point out.
1)You are equating pre-marital sex to irresponsible sex.
2) You are equating marriage to having an emotional bond.
Both can be wrong.
Do some women go out and have irresponsible sex and go through all the problems you describe? Yes, many do.
Do some some women have pre-marital sex with only good men that they have formed an emotional bond with? Yes, there's tons of them. She get meaningful, pleasurable sex with men who care about her. Men who aren't going to give her diseases, drunk-dial her, stalk her, or hurt her. The only thing she's missing is the lifelong commitment. And to be perfectly honest, marriage isn't exactly a lifelong commitment these days.
Sex changes the dynamics between two people. Premarital sex gives each person a better idea of what the relationship is really like before getting married. People aren't telling you to have superficial sex. They're just saying that marriage isn't the cutoff point.
Do some marriages lack an emotional bond? Yep. You'd be surprised at how many people mistake lust or infatuation for love. When they fade, there's nothing left. If your body is driving you crazy because it wants sex and you're not getting it, you might end up mistaking a lot of physical desire for an emotional bond. You might very well make a huge mistake and marry the wrong man. You could even end up with a diseased, cheating, drunk-dialing, stalking, abusive husband. Wouldn't that be even worse then finding out you had a bad boyfriend?
As shocking as it may be, we're trying to help you here. We see what you're really doing. You're trying to put a bandaid over the symptoms rather than fix the root problem. Sometimes a bandaged wound only gets worse. Find the root problem and cure it. | |
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| No virgin....but saving self for marriage now....
Posted: 7/17/2007 11:21:25 PM | First, stick to it, and a lot of people, like me, will applaud you for it. Its a cool thing to do.
But, dont tell a guy that you are waiting for the right guy to come along. Because the longer you are in a relationship with him, the more he will realize that you think....that he is not the right guy for you. So the guy will get restless and leave. Because the guy does not want to be with someone who doesnt want them.
Always tell the guy you are waiting for marriage. | |
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| No virgin....but saving self for marriage now....
Posted: 7/18/2007 12:49:09 AM | What about a guy who has had a lifetime of sex already and is looking for something more? A guy who'd rather wait, too?
I think its a great idea. But I wouldn't rule out everything. | |
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| No virgin....but saving self for marriage now....
Posted: 7/18/2007 4:40:01 AM | I too have a small story, somewhat related to this:
A few years ago I was "hanging out" with a woman a tad younger than me but over 30. Before we slept together, like 2 minutes before, in bed, she told me "Before we do it I must tell you something". The tone in her voice suggested that she was about to tell me something like "I have a wooden leg" or "I used to be a guy" or something. In great anticipation, I heard her state that she was still a virgin!!! A 30+ year old virgin? I almost fainted (sort of)! Still in shock we slept together but I still wish I had not. I was so stressed during and after that I had to go get checked in the ER. What did I do to deserve the priviledge (yuck) of "deflouring" her? She told me that I seemed the first guy in years that would not "laugh" at her situation! I did not, but what did I do to deserve such an esteem! OMG! Shocked AND unhappy! I have never defloured or ever wished to deflour a virgin. I leave such grand ole priviledge to others! Not into virgins, in body and/or in spirit. I am not captain Kirk seeking to "go" where no man has "endevoured" before! Or the other extreme, either! | |
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| No virgin....but saving self for marriage now....
Posted: 7/18/2007 6:03:07 AM | not only do I think this is silly ...it is most likely imposable as her thinking will likely change when in love..... the reason its silly have all been stated ...along with most people her age and in her dating /relationship pool have been through a relationship where sex was used as a tool when relationships end no mater how good they began usually the sexual relationship gets bad first and that is the part guys remember so looking for a relationship where sex is proven to be good is a priority
on another note I have known many people who were virgins on their first marriages and many that were quiet permisscious before their first marriages and guess what the ones that saved it were the most unhappy and the ones first to divorce as a mater of fact of all the people I know from high school the class sluts are the only ones that are still happily married to their first spouses.....
last item people put to much importance on the psychical aspect on virginity... virginity means not having carnal knowledge of another... its not just having your hymen intact .. .. think about it would a woman that had given a thousand men blow jobs be a virgin ...what if she only had anal sex ...what if she had only slept with other women but had done hundreds of them
no a woman who cares enough and trust me enough to give herself to me and enjoy sex with me would be a greater gift than virginity and a much better thing than imposing a rule requiring marriage first | |
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eman07
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Joined: 6/30/2006
Msg: 74 | |
| No virgin....but saving self for marriage now....
Posted: 7/18/2007 8:37:30 AM | suppose the consensus is that most men would not go for it and think this woman is a so-called game player.
I dont think your a game player, your just equating marriage to having a great physical bond. You also are saying "i will give you this, as long as you give me this"
And that's cool if he wouldn't go there....there are lots of women that will have plenty of superficial sex with them. Dime a dozen. Visits to the clinic. Drunk dialing and stalkers abound. How awesome for them!
drama queen.....all of a sudden because we dont agree with you we are out boinking a different chick every night?....cmon now.....
And then there are some that would be open to having an emotional bond before a physical one.
uh yea....but both are important in any relationship...but again...you are saying that just because you have a good emotional bond, that in turn will make you have a good physical bond...maybe, maybe not...but you dont know either way
And happy and thankful that he's found such a woman to love him like nothing before him mattered in the least.
i can have this before marriage, with sex
AND have the best sex of his life
if your waiting for marriage, you both wont know until you sign the papers....so saying best sex of his life is an ASSUMPTION.....99% of men are not willing to take that chance.....
and please dont give me the standard movie line of "if you love someone, it wont matter, teh sex will be great" BLECH..... | |
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| No virgin....but saving self for marriage now....
Posted: 7/18/2007 8:49:45 AM | Ever since my divorce I've wanted to wait until marriage to have sex. It's not that I'm not good at it, or that I want to "trap" a man into marrying me and then drop the ball on the sexual relationship, it's because I really, really want that part to be very special. I don't want any of that lingering doubt to be there when it happens (by lingering doubt I mean wondering if he's going to drop me because I'm too loud, or too anything really, or drop me because he finally scored and can now move on). I also want to wait because I hate that feeling of knowing I've been intimate with someone who now wants nothing to do with me.
I know that if I've made out with a man, spent time with him and felt how he caresses me, witnessed how he acts when I tell him what I do and don't like, and trust that he is open to different things in other aspects of life, that the sex will be amazing. I also don't have a problem teaching someone what I do and don't like, and being taught.
So, I think that if the makeout sessions are hot, and the fooling around part is hot, then the sex will be too. If it isn't, then you have every night to practice getting it right...how fun is that???
I do feel that certain things should be discussed though, like how often you each want to have sex, what kinds of things you like to do, etc. That kind of lead up can make wedding night sex incredible. | |
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