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| He Says Lose 30 lbs and He Will Give you an Engagement Ring.....Would Ya????
Posted: 7/24/2007 6:42:27 AM | Like other posters I see all kinds of red flags with this situation!
His request could be indicative of the type of person who makes sometimes requests that are so unreasonable that one cannot possibly comply which they then use as grounds for breaking up. Maybe he really doesn't want to get married?
What if she did lose the weight they got married and she put the weight back on? Would he then not want her anymore?
He's not prepared to get an annullment? That doesn't sound like he really wants to get married now does it?
Has she made any requests of him of the magnitude that he is asking of her? It could be interesting to see how he reacts if she does!
I'm not a doctor but I don't believe diet pills are the way to go. I've heard great things about Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig etc. Those places look at the whole package such as making healthy food choices, exercise etc so that it become a lifestyle change and the chances are much better that one keeps the weight off.
To pressure a woman into losing weight by dangling an engagement ring in front of her is in my opinion wrong. | |
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| He Says Lose 30 lbs and He Will Give you an Engagement Ring.....Would Ya????
Posted: 7/24/2007 6:52:18 AM |
She wants to get married. At the very least, wants desperately an engagement ring!... He just told her again if she loses 30 lbs and keeps it off (for 4 months), that he will give her a ring....
Let her go out and buy it herself. To me it sounds as if they both have serious problems. He wants a skinny girlfriend, so if she gains the weight back, he'll have an excuse to not get her the ring. She wants to get married, or at least be engaged, so she's willing to put up with his conditions. Doesn't sound like love to me, just two desperate, lonely people who are willing to put up with bs rather than be alone. They've been together 2.5 years, and if she weighed the same then as she does now, and I assume they've been having sex all this time, what is the problem now?
She needs to realize that he doesn't want to marry her, she's convenient because she's giving him what he needs for now, but just because he gives her an engagement ring doesn't mean he'll actually go through with a wedding. And since when does having an engagement ring, or being married, validate a woman? They both need to grow up. | |
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| He Says Lose 30 lbs and He Will Give you an Engagement Ring.....Would Ya????
Posted: 7/24/2007 7:01:48 AM | | I've posted my thoughts on the matter but just wanted to respond to Wanda49's message- (politely speaking...) (you) seem like you have much hatred within your system - most obvious toward men in general. Maybe, as you say, you would be better of to 'give up on men - & get a dog'. After reading your message, make that a female dog. Best of luck to you - and any man whom dares to date/see you. | |
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| He Says Lose 30 lbs and He Will Give you an Engagement Ring.....Would Ya????
Posted: 7/24/2007 7:08:31 AM | | In my opinion, if your friend can stand to lose the 30 pounds then he is only trying to help her feel better about herself. But Im sure there are things that she would like to change about him that he would never change. If your friend is happy with the way she looks, then he should be happy with that as well. I guess it all comes down to how badly she wants the ring. Maybe she should suggest that instead of just telling her to lose the weight, that he exercise and maintain a healthier lifestyle with her so she doesnt feel alone. | |
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| He Says Lose 30 lbs and He Will Give you an Engagement Ring.....Would Ya????
Posted: 7/24/2007 7:19:31 AM | Beeen there done that myself--the older I get the better it gets, Im so busy, literally, and it seems harder to cope not any easier financially that is.!! Im 57 and the men I meet are sooo untogether. You would think that about mid 40s men would have realized they needed to save for retirement,pay off houses-etc., and never ever get nonfixed mortgages I mean really---Im not a financial genius, but even I can see that the prices of things just keep going up up up!!!!!!And I KNOW that I don't want to have to work fulltime after I turn 66.Its hard now to go work my 50 hours a week.!!      | |
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| He Says Lose 30 lbs and He Will Give you an Engagement Ring.....Would Ya????
Posted: 7/24/2007 7:22:23 AM | No way! Once you start putting conditions on your love for someone, where does it end? Are you going to divorce your man because he leaves the tiolet seat up, or your wife because she spends too much on shoes? You're either in, or you're out. You're either one flesh or two different people. You can't be half pregnant, and you can't be half way in a relationship, not if it's going to work properly anyway.
As far as the religion thing goes, the bible says in 2 Corinthians 6:14 that we must be equally yoked. That was a metaphor people back then could easily understand. The concept went all the way back to Deuteronomy 22:10 which says "You shall not plow with an ox and a donkey together." You wouldn't put an ox and a donkey together to pull a plow because if you did you'd have a plow that kept wanting to go left or right instead of straight.
Paul wasn't just talking about marriage there in Corinthians either - he was talking about all kinds of relationships such as close friendships, business relationships, etc. At the same time, he wasn't saying "don't have anything to do with unbelievers, or those who believe differently." In fact, he preached tolerence of each other's belief's in Romans 14 where he stressed that preserving our unity is more important than being right about our interepretations of scripture. What he is saying is that we cannot allow ourselves to get into relationships that adversely affect our faith.
Hey marriage is hard enough without buying trouble from the word "go"! :) | |
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| He Says Lose 30 lbs and He Will Give you an Engagement Ring.....Would Ya????
Posted: 7/24/2007 7:34:43 AM | Only if it's a no less than 4kt pink diamond and we live in a no-fault divorce state.
I'd run far and fast from that one.
I have a word for men like this guy who use women to define their masculinity (eg I have a hot gf so therefore I am alpha male). The word rhymes with wuss.
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| He Says Lose 30 lbs and He Will Give you an Engagement Ring.....Would Ya????
Posted: 7/24/2007 7:37:00 AM | Girl...You are a beautiful creation and if you are happy with your self then let it be. You are a classy dresser....once you put on your clothes and you look in that mirror and you are happy with that person that you sees...then to hell with the rest of the world.
What gaurantee is there that once you lose the weight he will give you a ring. There might be other hidden agenda. His marriage is not yet disolved so thats another thing you need to seriously look in to .
Follow your heart and it will seek you happiness.
I wish for you all the best in your serach for happiness...and remember its easier for the one who needs the change to change that for the other person to make the change.
MOYA
Kingston, Jamaica  | |
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| He Says Lose 30 lbs and He Will Give you an Engagement Ring.....Would Ya????
Posted: 7/24/2007 7:46:52 AM | At our age (55+) we don't have the metabolism that we had earlier in life so it is more difficult to lose wieght, seems to me that love is pretty much unconditional and if he wants a skinny girlfriend then go find someone else, thats pretty shallow, She should tell him "look accept me for who I am and what I am and if you are not able to do that then we don't have what it takes and it may be time for us to accept this and move on, the good side of that is he may wake up and start appreciating her for who she is and not for who he wants her to be,
On the religious side, They (and I say they as this is going to need his OK and her support) would have to work that out through one of the many Catholic counseling and guidance centers and info on the net , sounds like this guy has a few issues esecially in the control area. | |
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| He Says Lose 30 lbs and He Will Give you an Engagement Ring.....Would Ya????
Posted: 7/24/2007 7:47:02 AM | Swamphunter
I just learned soooo much from your input!!! Your quotes from cor and rom were so right-on..not preachy and so intelligent--are you in louisiana or something?Im gonna copy what you wrote--i never heard that about donkeys and oxes before in that way--this solves my dilemma with people i have in my life for sure!!!I have to cut loose some of my friends and family for sure(or at least loosen the ties that bind)Thanks somuch--Dee    | |
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| He Says Lose 30 lbs and He Will Give you an Engagement Ring.....Would Ya????
Posted: 7/24/2007 8:10:35 AM | | She should ask herself why she is willing to invest herself in a man who is apparently more than happy to spend 2.5 years enjoying the attention she is giving him, but because of 30 pounds would never commit himself to her. Or perhaps he does not want a commitment in any case and realizes she will likely not lose the 30 and keep it off.One thing is for certain, if she is unhappily dealing with a relationship with a man who wont/cant commit himself to her as is and wont/ cant free himself for a Catholic marriage- she is going to be to anxious and unhappy to lose any weight. Why would anyone pollute their body with a toxic diet drug that affects their emotional state, to compel someone else to do something they obviously dont want to do? Yes hes friendly fun etc but....you are not getting what you feel is most important Dump him and find someone with 30 extra pounds of their own who can accept you without some manipulative ultimatum. Maybe it will take some time but youll be glad you did. | |
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| He Says Lose 30 lbs and He Will Give you an Engagement Ring.....Would Ya????
Posted: 7/24/2007 8:22:31 AM | For me, the question is.....Why 30 pounds?
Is it a health issue? Is she diabetic or something? Did she tell him her doctor said she needed to lose 30 pounds? She's getting up there in years, maybe he would like to see her lose those 30 pounds so that they can spend even more time together.
I don't know. I refuse to knee-jerk with the majority of the posters here.
So many hypocrites here. I mean, who in the realm of this website doesn't consider physical attraction when selecting a mate? Sorry to provide a wake up call here, but seriously folks. Who here hasn't been attracted to someone's personality, charm or wit but the dealbreaker was a physical defect? Perhaps it was a weight issue, maybe hair, or lack thereof, maybe they had a wierd voice or a lazy eye. Could be anything. I've read posts here where people have outright stated they will not make first contact or respond to someone who doesn't post a photo. What's up with that? Perhaps those people haven't responded in this thread......
Speaking from a personal standpoint, I've met someone, whose pictures weren't exactly accurate with current reality. (You know how you girls like to shave the bottom half of a picture off). But we im'ed for a bit, and spent countless hours on the phone. We have clicked in just about every arena: politics, world view, family, friends, wants, needs, hobbies....damn near everything. When we finally met in person I realized why the bottom half of her picture was shaved off. I went with an open mind and all, understanding the picture doctoring, but DAMN! There was a lot more than I expected. And personally, I'm just not physically attracted to her. Does this make me an a$$? I can guarantee you if I had seen a pic that was more representative of her current state, I would not have responded. Which makes me feel like a bad person, but that really cannot be helped. I'm only human. However, I've not told her that for her to be with me she has to lose the weight. I mean she either wants to or doesn't want to. That's her call. Whether I stick around however, is my call.
I think she, (the op's friend), should lose the weight only if she wants to. And if she wants to, which it sounds like she doesn't as she is just taking pills, bad ones at that, there are much more better ways to do it. Dropping calories and implementing something as simple as a 30 minute walk a day are much, much better for you and you definitely feel better about yourself. Don't aim for a weight, aim for a size and go from there. Going from a 16 to a 12 would be sufficient and in a year that's easily accomplished without too much of a life change. She'll find she has a new image of herself, she'll have more energy and confidence to do more and different things, and who knows? She might even find that he really might not be a perfect match for her afterall. Stranger things have happened.
Scroo religion in my opinion. (You asked for unbiased but that is an impossibility at when it comes to religion). God does NOT change people. Only the individual can change themself. He isn't some pawn called upon to fit the human will. Religion, especially Catholicism, is a vehicle for the weak mind. Anullment, absolution, faith, pennance, and every other man made religious term are all hooks bent on working on your guilt. God gave us all free will and a wonderful spirit, use those and act according to your own dictates. You know what's right and wrong. You don't need some creep in a bad hat, or an expensive 3 piece suit to tell you how to live your life. It's all right here inside.
Just my 2 cp though. Let the flaming and hate mail begin! | |
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a1na2
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Joined: 10/3/2006
Msg: 69 | |
| He Says Lose 30 lbs and He Will Give you an Engagement Ring.....Would Ya????
Posted: 7/24/2007 8:22:40 AM | He doesn't mind her weight as long as there is no commitment, otherwise...
At his age, he should know that this is not a wise thing to actually come out and say ( most men with overweight SO's only THINK and WISH and HOPE that they'll lose the weight of their own volition - it's like the deadly " do I look fat ?" question ).
So, he figures she'll either tell him to get lost eventually , in which case he's off the marriage hook, or she'll become the type worth committing to. | |
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| He Says Lose 30 lbs and He Will Give you an Engagement Ring.....Would Ya????
Posted: 7/24/2007 8:24:34 AM | | My thought on this is this man should not require her to lose any amount of weight in order to give her a ring, if she gives into this then it will just be something else he wants her to do later. If he loves her it should be unconditional love, especially if marriage is in the future. What really matters is whats on the inside and he should feel really lucky that he has a wonderful women that loves him and don't budge on your religion either, these things may be small now, but will become much more important the longer you are together. Good luck in whatever you decide to do. | |
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| He Says Lose 30 lbs and He Will Give you an Engagement Ring.....Would Ya????
Posted: 7/24/2007 8:32:47 AM | Ok here's my take on this and I think this post is a "must read" for you all.
First off the problem with many people is that they're one-track minded.
The world is black & white, there are NO shades of grey.
If you're an analytical/logical thinker (such as myself) then you should at least try to see things from various different perspectives (as there are always more than one).
You all are looking at it from a very negative point of view, and while it can be looked at that way, there's also the flipside to it.
First off obesity is a disease. No, seriously, it is!
Not only for those that suffer from it but also for their loved ones.
Obesity is a big problem here in North America. It takes it's toll on everyone from those that are overweight, to their famillies/friends and even on the health care system.
Do you people even stop and think about all the various health problems brought on from being overweight?
From cardiovascular problems to diabetes, to cancer.
I'm going to quote something here:
"If you are overweight, you are more likely to develop health problems, such as heart disease, stroke, diabetes, certain types of cancer, gout (joint pain caused by excess uric acid), and gallbladder disease. Being overweight can also cause problems such as sleep apnea (interrupted breathing during sleep) and osteoarthritis (wearing away of the joints). The more overweight you are, the more likely you are to have health problems. Weight loss can help improve the harmful effects of being overweight. However, many overweight people have difficulty reaching their healthy body weight. Studies show that you can improve your health by losing as little as 10 to 20 pounds."
Is is such a bad thing to have someone who's trying to inspire you to better your life, your health?
I'll give you an example:
I recently started dating someone and we're actually talking about getting a place together in the near future. However, I'm not quite sure that's going to happen as she has a problem saving. I've been talking about things (ways) for her to try and cut-back because I know if she doesn't then this it not going to happen.
I'm doing all I can to try and help her save. She has a little sports car that she's "souping up" (fixing up/making all flashy) and I'm trying to show her where her priorities should be (not just for me but also the fact that she has a child) . When it comes to fixing her car, I do it for her so at least all she has to do is worry about buying the parts (and even that I get for her at dealer/garage cost).
I'm not doing that for me, I'm doing that to try and help her save and better her financial situation.
That's part of what being a good partner is all about. Helping, motivating, inspiring each other so you can achieve your dreams, your goals together.
The situation the OP is discussing can be looked upon the same way.
Size 16 is not small at all, so that tells you something right there.
Obesity is a big problem but people are shunning it off as "you should be happy with yourself no matter what, and not want to make any positive changes in your life, even if it means a better way of life and even longevity."
It's sad too because this falls down onto the kids. You see so many little butterballs roaming the street these days and the parents aren't doing anything (positive) about it except giving their kids money to run to the ice cream vendor to get even more fat!
Come on now people. Get serious here.
I would love to have others in my life that try and help motivate & inspire me to become a better person. There's absolutely NOTHING wrong with that.
I think many of you need a reality check and to think a little bit more intelligently and with more common-sense.
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a1na2
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Joined: 10/3/2006
Msg: 73 | |
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| He Says Lose 30 lbs and He Will Give you an Engagement Ring.....Would Ya????
Posted: 7/24/2007 8:44:04 AM | Ok, first of all.....
Visuals are important. So is health. I am overweight and know it, and I am working hard to lose weight that I gained while in an unpleasant relationship and get back to where I will be happy with myself. That will be about a size 14, not a size 2 or 3 or even 10. I'm 56.
Would I lose weight for someone who I was already involved with but not married to? No. I would lose weight only for MYSELF. If I could see that weight was an issue with the relationship would I lose it? Yes, if I could - because that would be helping MYSELF to have a happier life. But if it were to an unreasonable request (30 pounds is not unreasonable if she were a size 18....but if she IS a size 16, 30 pounds is somewhat difficult for a 50 something woman to lose) I would say no. Would it be nice to have an incentive? Sure...a trip to the Bahamas, an all expenses paid shopping trip to New York...a face lift, tummy tuck....sure, you bet. A WEDDING RING?
NOT JUST NO BUT HELL NO.
Now...for all of you telling her to dump him and find someone else? You are totally out of line. It is almost impossible to find someone at our age. Dumping and finding someone else if she has an otherwise great relationship with this person is NOT AN OPTION. She should just give up on the marriage thing. He is with her already. He obviously does not REALLY care all that much about the weight. He just is coming up with an excuse to NOT MARRY AGAIN. Can't say I blame him.
If you are in your 50's and have a great relationship with someone, be happy with that. You could be me. Single and 56 and hit on 24/7 for "older woman sex"....with no sight of a loving, caring relationship in sight. Screw the marriage thing. Its too hard to try to divvy up possessions at this age, anyway. Quit pushing. He might change his mind a couple years down the road when he realizes it is to his benefit to have her name on the line in case something bad happens to him.
Just sayin'  | |
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