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| He Says Lose 30 lbs and He Will Give you an Engagement Ring.....Would Ya????
Posted: 7/20/2008 3:47:40 AM | Yep... just knew this thread couldn't have gotten very far without at least one or two people stating the obvious:
That is bull crap... I mean honestly, what if she told him get a bigger
D$%# and 'then I will marry you.' -edited to add clarifying punctuation
Of course, one can't approach an a$$hole with such a surface analysis -- there are obviously deeper issues swirling about. Still, I agree with Dreamer's analysis, to a large extent. There's a lot of wisdom there for your friend.
But, the fact that he out-right refused her request to have his marriage annulled knowing that it meant a great deal to her, put the whole issue in a different perspective. He is manipulating and selfish. She's fortunate that he is showing his true colors before they said their vows. Imagine what his behavior and demands would be like after the wedding?
This bit of wisdom jumps out, too (from smile4you):
My take on it is he is stalling, enjoying benefits without commitment. She should call his bluff and tell him she won't stay in the relationship as she can't/won't lose the weight and the stress of his views are too much. Stop pursuing him and flee him. See how he reacts. Maybe he'll run too and then she is better off knowing his true intent. Maybe he'll pursue her as he is afraid of losing her and then they both sail into the sunset together. True love doesn't impose harmful things on another (side effect of meds, can't sleep) but assists the other to become a better person of the other's own choosing.
Meh... in the end, I still like the "grow a bigger d*#k and I'll marry you" sentiment.
OP, forgive me, as I'm only up to page 5 as I'm posting this. But, to me, it sounds like your friend and her s.o. are screwing up a good thing, for want of some communication. In the heated debate that's resulted from your opening post, it's clear that neither men nor women should use conditions or bribery to either get what they want or to forestall what they truly don't want (the latter likely being the case in the scenario you presented). Whether it's ever right or correct for a man to ask a woman to loose weight, for the good of her health, etc. is debatable. As with most things, if it were something communicated with love and respect, presented as a mutual endeavor that could be tackled by the partnership of "us" (i.e., "let's work together to improve our health so we can live and love together for years and years to come), that's an animal of a whole different stripe altogether. | |
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| He Says Lose 30 lbs and He Will Give you an Engagement Ring.....Would Ya????
Posted: 7/20/2008 3:56:01 AM | lose 30lbs for an engagement ring - no way.
lose weight because you want to not because of some guy, i think it says it all about him, he wants a dolly bird on his arm, if i was here i would lose the weight and get a new hunk.... that would show him.
ive lost 83lbs plus this year, but i did it for me, to make me happy, my ex didnt like it he wanted me to put it all back on, i refused, i know i can do better than him.
mace | |
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| He Says Lose 30 lbs and He Will Give you an Engagement Ring.....Would Ya????
Posted: 7/20/2008 3:57:59 AM | ok honest reply
ditch the diet pills they are doing her more harm than good, they make her feel miserable then why take them.
if she was size 16 when they met and he was happy to go out with her then why the sudden change to want a skinny girlfriend.
then again he might be thinking about her health but losing 30 pounds is hard to do, could take a long time, maybe hes playing for time as he might not want to be married again. Either way no1 should have to be put in that situation for any1 but is he willing to help her while she loses this 30 pounds, if not lose a lot more weight n dump him . good luck with it xxx | |
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| He Says Lose 30 lbs and He Will Give you an Engagement Ring.....Would Ya????
Posted: 7/20/2008 4:09:30 AM | Ah.... for those of us late in joining the discussion of the OP's scenario, check out Post #653 (additional information from the OP).
OP, no matter the outcome of your friend's relationship, I think the resulting discussion of the role of acceptance in love is valuable. A lot of us are finding ourselves, a little older and a little heavier, approaching the whole notion of love and life-long commitment for a second go-around. We'd like to think that deeper attraction can overcome issues of incompatibility, but the reality is that it's easier to accept someone and their flaws when we share a deep level of compatibility with them overall. Religion, or approach to spirtuality is a big one. Another is lifestyle, of course. And, for some of us, to be with someone who approaches life as a series of conditions to love -- well, that would be a philosophical anathema. | |
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| He Says Lose 30 lbs and He Will Give you an Engagement Ring.....Would Ya????
Posted: 7/20/2008 5:18:44 AM | Ladies, my last relationship was with a man that I secretly wanted to loose at least 30 pounds. This guy was a good catch, except I was a little embarraced by his appearance. I wish there were a kind way to approach this subject. I dumped him and now I wish that I had been a little straight foreward and said, loose the weight and I'll marry you.
This man obviously cares a great deal for this woman, his fault being that he lacks tact. Now the marriage being a church sanctioned affair. Give me a break! Second marriages, annulments, what ever. If you break your vows and divorce, no matter what the excuse, you should bite the bullet and go for a civil union. Don't worry about what anyone thinks. I was Catholic, married a non, in a civil union . I never left the church, he didn't expect it. I respected his right to believe and practice his faith. Expecting a person to change beliefs is worse than expecting a person to loose 30 lbs. By the way, I am widowed, so this marriage did not end by divorce. Kmock Wi | |
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| He Says Lose 30 lbs and He Will Give you an Engagement Ring.....Would Ya????
Posted: 7/20/2008 11:38:12 AM | Thanks, locario!
This is the wrap up message from OPie:
daisydahlia
Joined: 12/5/2006
Msg: 653 (view)
He Says Lose 30 lbs and He Will Give you an Engagement Ring.....Would Ya????
Posted: 3/23/2008 2:00:25 PM
Hi,
I received a message asking for an update....
Pages back I told you that my friend and this guy broke up. She basically told him that he should accept her for what she is. I remember her saying "I will never be 110 lbs, unless I was dying from cancer...."
She told him maybe they should just split (even though it broke her heart), and he immediately jumped to another woman - a well-to-do widow who had the social status that he enjoys..
Funny thing - my friend ended up seeing the 'new woman' at a party later, and she said that woman approached her. They talked for a couple of hours and she told her the whole ugly story of that man. The new woman listened and said she would just 'use him for sex', and thanked her for the info.
So............. life has gone on, and my friend has now lost 40 lbs and is dating. She lost it for HER, and not for HIM to enjoy!
Thanks for the comments!
Think she dun good, and escaped nicely, lol!
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| He Says Lose 30 lbs and He Will Give you an Engagement Ring.....Would Ya????
Posted: 7/20/2008 6:17:10 PM | I would never this i have far more respect for woman!!! This guy says if she loses 30 lbs and keeps it off (for 4 months), then he will give her a ring,what a way to find out Real Nice Guy Not!!!
Now get your friend off those diet pills they are USELESS, do you think she can stop after 4 months, no way magic isn't going to happen? 10 to 1 he's allways making sure she keeps it off! Now for her being grouchy that is a problem who wants to be around someone that is grouchy!! Not being able to sleep at night this is not fair,I have a shattered ancle I can't sleep at night to, it's not because of a pill!!! I hope that your friend has Sweet Dreams Tonight!! | |
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| He Says Lose 30 lbs and He Will Give you an Engagement Ring.....Would Ya????
Posted: 8/5/2008 7:59:46 PM | HELL NO!!!!!
I am small boned and VERY narrow shoulders...and every single pound on me SHOWS drastically.!! Seriously .
I have Fibromyalgia and for years i had a horrible time GAINING weight. The Drs put me on weight gain, steroids, you name it. Only recently did i gain 13 pounds , and when my prescription is up, i cant be on these meds for more than 6 months, the weight drops right back off again.
I really feel much better when i weigh a little more, but it never stays .
So see there are people on BOTH sides of the fence.
Maybe they should stick around for a couple weeks,
If people are such a jerk as to like you for your figure and NOT for who you are in your heart then you dont want them anyhow. Its how I look at it! :)
My heart is wonderful and stays the same no matter what, and i know most everyone else does tool Personality really dont change too much. I have seen some people lose alot and then they got a bit smug cuz they were so proud, but seriously , underweight can be a problem too, and for those who have no clue.....maybe they should read up on it.
I have been sorely dissapointed in some of the shallowness i see on this site , but it dont matter, Sweet Peepz! !!
Keep right on being yourself, because their are still WONDERFUL men and women in this world! :) | |
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| He Says Lose 30 lbs and He Will Give you an Engagement Ring.....Would Ya????
Posted: 8/5/2008 10:00:45 PM | OP:
I'm not sure I can be unbiased, because this happened to me. Except I was married to the man. We had been married about 15 months, both our second marriages. He gained 25 lbs after we married and he wasn't a tall man. I gained 20. It was all that great cooking both of us did, etc. Instead of saying to me "Hun, I think we've both gained a little too much weight, what do you think about us joining a gym together and do a weight loss program together?" He said: "I'm not sexually attracted to you anymore and I don't know if I can stay married to someone I'm not sexually attracted to". I was shattered, embarrassed, ashamed and mortified. Then I got mad.
I loved him despite his weight gain, and had wanted us to both start losing weight, but didn't want to embarrass him etc. So I hadn't said anything yet, waiting for the right way to say it.
In my anger I realized how shallow he was. And if I ever got cancer or some other debilitating illness would he still love me? Despite the fact that he still wanted sex, I couldn't. I was so repulsed by my own body, just thinking about what he must be thinking that it froze me. We divorced.
I'm 10 lbs lighter now, and slowly making progress, but afraid to date or meet anyone. All I can think about is how fat I must look and how could anyone be attracted to me. I realize I gave wayyyy too much power to his words, but I feel very scarred by this. I felt he attacked my worth as a sexual woman. And the worst part about it is he is a Chaplain. A man of God.
Don't ever marry a man who doesn't love you just the way you are. You will be settling into a life of never measuring up. It will slowly errode your self image and pull you down. Relationships should be a haven of trust and safe place away from the world that is always telling us in one way or another that we don't measure up. The one person who should tell us that we are loved just the way we are is our spouse.
Just my humble opinion.... | |
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| He Says Lose 30 lbs and He Will Give you an Engagement Ring.....Would Ya????
Posted: 8/5/2008 10:08:59 PM | True love is unconditional, accepting, sincere and non-judgmental. It's when you cannot imagine living your life without that person being around.
Trying to control someone by giving ultimatums is not true love, it's undesirable. I might work on losing the weight for health's sake, but I'd lose the guy first. Life is too short.
Pink | |
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| He Says Lose 30 lbs and He Will Give you an Engagement Ring.....Would Ya????
Posted: 8/6/2008 12:52:04 AM | She could lose a lot more than 30 pounds if she dropped HIM.
I love the 4 month deadline. Although I suppose if she would accept a 30 pound diamond as compensation, it would work. When she hocks it and buys herself a nice house with a cabana boy.
I'm assuming he has a 6-pack and the sex drive of a 25 year old?
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| He Says Lose 30 lbs and He Will Give you an Engagement Ring.....Would Ya????
Posted: 8/8/2008 10:26:09 PM | Yeah, honestly, sorry. Biological attraction is part of why people get married. On a fundamental level, it just is, and you know it. If you're fat and fat isn't attractive to someone, sorry. Sucks for you. Honestly I think if you really love someone, considering it isn't out of the picture.
Don't pretend you're immune to shallowness. I don't mind chubby, but I think most of the people who did the kneejerk "DUMP HIM!!! AAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!11" thing (and a lot of the people on this site in general) have some sort of Disney-Cinderella-someday-my-prince-will-come deal going on, and being delusional is much less attractive (and harder to reconcile) than some extra weight. | |
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lelav
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Joined: 4/29/2008
Msg: 919 | |
| He Says Lose 30 lbs and He Will Give you an Engagement Ring.....Would Ya????
Posted: 8/10/2008 1:42:34 PM | It should not matter if he is perfect, apparently he is "perfect" is his own mind. And that alone is readson to run like Hell.
Losing weight is great but as a long time struggler with weight issues, I've been known to lose, then gain...a pattern which I can't seem to control.
So you lose 30 ponds, what happens when you are married and you inadvertently gain thos 30 back maybe even more?
True love is unconditional, and this arrogant ***hole is wasting your time  | |
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| He Says Lose 30 lbs and He Will Give you an Engagement Ring.....Would Ya????
Posted: 8/10/2008 4:02:21 PM | But why is it so wrong to want your partner to look as good as possible?
I make the effort to eat sensibly and get exercise. I don't find it so difficult, I enjoy it. So I don't understand what the problem is and I think I am well justified expecting that of a woman I would be in relationship with.
I am having this problem with a great woman I am seeing now. She claims to be "picky" with eating, but what that really means is she only wants to eat the same, few fattening ass foods and refuses to try anything else. And she looks good but if she just stopped drinking soft drinks, eating fried foods and red meat for every meal, and dipping everything in ranch sauce , she would trim down nicely and have a smokin body.
But she is not gonna do it. And I like her and she is very much into me. And I think about the future and I am not 100% because of this. And it sucks because it will upset me to have to break up with her and I know it is going to upset her.
And the solution is so easy. Just stop eating like crap. It it's only good for her. | |
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| He Says Lose 30 lbs and He Will Give you an Engagement Ring.....Would Ya????
Posted: 8/11/2008 6:01:56 AM | Yes~~~~"HER", not him,not Ma,not Pa,not for online dating pictures...HER
My exhusband did nothing but kerflitch everytime I gained a pound during our marriage. I ballooned to a max of 180 after my second child. He never had a nice thing to say--ever.
I finally divorced him and lost the weight. He,on the other hand,hasn't lost his jerkiness | |
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X-Lu
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Joined: 8/2/2008
Msg: 923 | |
| He Says Lose 30 lbs and He Will Give you an Engagement Ring.....Would Ya????
Posted: 8/11/2008 6:16:31 AM | Are you asking us, the posters, to have an "unbiased" view after all the "bias" despicted in this thread???
Bias #1: How come they're both successful and happy together, if you narrate and tittle says that one has a "little" issue with "weight", and this in order to attend "his" needs of a skinny girl and (hey!) a f*ucka Miller "Marriage" Ring????? What??? "Everybody" "loves" this guy, who makes demands of a "skinny" girl???? He better suck himself to a stick... and she won't lose nothing if she better take care of herself and preferably away from all the lies...  I definitely do not "love" a guy like that... count me out...
One musta be biased and lying in this entire scene... if not for oneself, speak of using a fully pierced umbrella to not be wet in the rain... Gimme a break. It is too hypocrite.
Get outta here! | |
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| He Says Lose 30 lbs and He Will Give you an Engagement Ring.....Would Ya????
Posted: 8/11/2008 7:40:26 AM | Well I think this man doesn't worth If he wants a skinny girlfriend she should have to move on, If a man wants to change the way she looks I think he is not the " one" for her.
As my own experience Im not skinny just average and a jerk once suggested me I should have to lose weight I said Yes I will, when you have yor hair back and wrinkles less visible. I never see him again. | |
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