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| Am I crossing the line doing background checks on a suspicious date?
Posted: 10/22/2007 7:57:35 PM | | With what you already know, I can't see how a background check is going to look any better, if there is any information on him at all. The reality however, is that he could be perfectly harmless, but has a sad existence of issues that are not resolved. You would not be doing him any favours by dating him, because that will detract from his need to focus on his life get himself back on track. A background check in your situation would be considered invasive. How would you feel knowing something about him that has no relation to you? Consider also that somewhere along the way, any one can run a background check on you (how do you know for certain no one has so far?) | |
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| Am I crossing the line doing background checks on a suspicious date?
Posted: 10/22/2007 9:20:05 PM | WOW. Run as fast as you can and don’t look back there are other guys. This dude is bad news Rule # 1 never ever get in the guys car on the first date Rule # 2 never ever let him come to your house for the first few dates. Rule # 3 make sure someone know where you are and take your cell phone please be safe | |
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| Am I crossing the line doing background checks on a suspicious date?
Posted: 10/22/2007 11:14:24 PM | Mahogany, your correct, not every dog is going to show up on any type of check. But given human nature and depending on the age of the subject, if someone has a violent temper, isn't a responsible person, there's going to be something out there to stumble across. Checking is only one line of defence or acquisition of knowledge. But if there is something concrete, it does reinforce that gut feeling one had/has, but no proof.
If I find something, it's used as back ground knowledge to ask more questions and see if the person has any semblance of honesty. Some people feel, if you don't asked the right questions and they don't volunteer the information thats ok, its not being dishonest. But on the other hand, if one has proof positive or a glimpse of something to inquire about, gives you answers to observe, absorb and contemplate, depending on the response you get when you ask the getting to know you kinda questions.
Like the guy who told me he had been married twice and blamed the split ups on his ex's. After talking to his brother and armed with the knowledge that he had been married 3 times, nearly killed his first wife with physical abuse, (thats the one he left out) his third wife wasn't the alcoholic he claimed her to be and that he had had affairs on all his wives and been a womanizer all his life......I knew some additional questions to ask for verification and watched his expression.......when he lied. He never would admit to me there had been three marriages and three divorces and he never admitted to me there had been three children instead of two, his first born, with his first wife, a child that had died around age 7. I never confronted him about what I became aware of....just asked some additional questions, watched him lie to me and then I walked away.
Or the guy, I was seeing, telling me he was not seeing or in contact with any other women, it was monogamous between the two of us. I had a gut feeling, so I googled his email addy...low and behold, I ran across cards from a card site, dated during the time we were seeing each other, to 3 other women and I got to read the messages he had included with the cards he sent them. Chuckle....regarding their get togethers. Then by googling their yahoo email addys and seeing their profiles....casual comments he had made, made sense and trips he had made. Also two of these women had nude pictures of themselves on their yahoo profiles and comments about being into casual kinky sex. I would never have known or had any way of knowing, if I had not done some investigating, based on an uneasiness I was having.........but no proof.
Needless to say....I HATE LIARS and kinda like to know who all I'm sleeping with and how many. I walked on both occasions.
Ref your doctors, lawyers, cops......if these guys are DOG'S and on dating sites.....I'd lay wager, they are on kinky, s/M, swinger, adult and bi sexual sites also or some of the other perverted personal choice sites. Also a good place to check them out. lol I kinda like to have the whole picture........ya know......You would be surprise at the number of guys on dating sights who claim they are straight and you can find them on gay and bi sexual sites as well.  | |
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| Am I crossing the line doing background checks on a suspicious date?
Posted: 10/23/2007 12:15:22 AM | Nick...""We all know at this point, that you think using some intelligence and doing some checking,"
a) I think that the use of the "intelligence" term, as used, refers to official state authorities of countries/states, one that has not been delegated to individual citizens"
I'm not into debating issues or arguing, so will only respond to clarify "one " of the "many" miss concepts you seem to have.......
Intelligence......as in brain matter, knowledge, experience gathered.
NOT as in the official sanctioned legal law forces.
But hey, I do have buddies in high places and have been known to ask....Their responses of knowledge.....remain OFF THE RECORD.... just call it a gift or a favor....They kinda like me and don't want to see any harm come my way | |
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| Am I crossing the line doing background checks on a suspicious date?
Posted: 10/23/2007 1:12:22 AM | High places? Many of us do (or are).
As per misconceptions: I do not bother doing background checks or use gov. sources for private use, on or off record (I think the Oposter mentioned an issue of ethics in doing BG checks), and I will not bother argue or debate, what I do is discuss OPosts. Nuff grey matter expended. I merely take note of the passing by of the gender neutrality matter of the matter.
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| Am I crossing the line doing background checks on a suspicious date?
Posted: 10/23/2007 1:54:27 AM | Gad, I can't believe this stupid thread is still on-going.
One thing I've learned is that when I'm accused of being "creepy" or "mean & cynical", it says more about the speaker than it does about me.
Please, do the background check already and WEED yourself out of my life.
My god | |
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| Am I crossing the line doing background checks on a suspicious date?
Posted: 10/23/2007 2:20:42 AM | As a woman in todays society, I always perform a background on guys I want to go out with. The only time I did not, I happened to meet him away from my home......but during my conversations with him, he kept shrinking from certain subjects.....yes he had children......but no real answers to what happened to his ex wife...so I came back to run one on him.......yikes...paroled in 03 for murder which included domestic violence.......you do the math........Now it's on my profile........and since I work for an attorney, he requires it............safety for myself and my child. So Sweetiegirlz........go for it.........and these guys on here putting in their two cents........(which didn't get them my respect at all) if you have daughters........what advise would you give them??? | |
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| Am I crossing the line doing background checks on a suspicious date?
Posted: 10/23/2007 10:24:35 AM | "High places? Many of us do (or are)."
I just love passive aggressive comments, it shows me much about the source, reinforces my reliance on my judgement and speaks much more of the source than it does of those its directed towards.
That's why forum threads are such a wonderful tool, in the getting to know you kinda conversations on dating sites........Just another tool ladies, in those back ground searches..........USE IT...... | |
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| Am I crossing the line doing background checks on a suspicious date?
Posted: 10/23/2007 10:56:34 AM | Whether or not you are "crossing the line", is there some reason not to expose convicted child molesters by name, or user name on POF, rather than just stating they are convicted child molesters?
It seems like everyone would want to be warned about people like that. I'm not talking about trashing your dates because of trivial things, but a history of say, domestic violence, etc. might be relevant to all.
Just curious. | |
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| Am I crossing the line doing background checks on a suspicious date?
Posted: 10/23/2007 11:05:03 AM | Reliance on own judgement? etc etc etc
Well, checks or no checks, and everything else related to dating, for anything to happen, there has to be a MUTUAL initial interest/judgment of the two to have a date. Takes two to tango. Always did.
Especially in our gender equality times. Some people want to have a pie and eat it too. | |
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| Am I crossing the line doing background checks on a suspicious date?
Posted: 10/23/2007 3:27:59 PM | Nicky, baby, when men develop a vagina and womb, I will concede equality. Till then I will check the backgrounds of those sprouting poles.....
Last night on the national news, they were reporting that only 25 % of teachers in k through 12, in public schools, were male, but 90% of the sexual misconduct, rape and pedophiles were MALE.
Just look at the Catholic religion, with all its popes, bishops and Priest, oh I forgot nuns also. But I've yet to see a NUN, charged or convicted or the church pay for misconduct by a NUN, in all the charges of child abuse, pedophilia and homosexuality charges and convictions. Does that tell us something? | |
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Ice-ey
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Joined: 10/19/2007
Msg: 537 | |
| Am I crossing the line doing background checks on a suspicious date?
Posted: 10/23/2007 4:50:34 PM | Where is the trust? Not like I would have anything to hide really, but come on a background check? What is this a job interview? I think thats just creepy. And honestly if it came down to having to do a background check on your date then your definitely dating the wrong person! Back in the lake.  | |
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| Am I crossing the line doing background checks on a suspicious date?
Posted: 10/23/2007 9:00:21 PM | I had a girl call my job once so she could find out how much I made.
This was before we met. And only after 3 emails.
I was pissed. She could've asked and I would've told her.
I think a person should be ASKED before background checks.
and only AFTER you've met.
My reason on this(aside from it being very rude),
is if you ask first and a person is nervous then you know.
Or if the person gives a different story than the background check shows,
you know you're dealing with a liar. Plus you may not like the person for
other reasons when you meet so why do it in advance?
Some people have had weird stuff happen to em and should be asked so they can tell you. For instance, the girl who called my job also did a background check and was very nosy about why we moved from a house to an apt. We were victims of a crime so I got my son away from the psycho bully neighbor. It wasn't something I wanted to go into with a girl I hadn't even met.
If you're that uptight, paranoid, to expect everyone you meet is a criminal or worse,
you shouldn't be dating. You should be hiding under your bed. | |
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| Am I crossing the line doing background checks on a suspicious date?
Posted: 10/23/2007 9:03:03 PM | ^^^^^^I agree
Why do some think they can get to know someone by doing a background check. What if the google search turns up someone with the same name that lives in the same city but it is not the person you are considering dating?
If they have a criminal record kay fine..but what if they don't? They may still be "seedy"
What if the person that claims they want to do a background check wants the info to committ identity theft? Then what?
What happened to old fashioned dating where you took time to get to know the person? | |
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| Am I crossing the line doing background checks on a suspicious date?
Posted: 10/23/2007 9:31:46 PM | There are at most 6 degrees (6 connections) separating anyone on Earth wiyh anyone else. So, to get a mutual reference, the two people can try to find who they know in common who knows etc etc. Even if one is in China and the other in India. 6 people are separating us with all the rest on this earth. Find them!
A person who does not have a police record does not maan he/she is not dangerous. It merely means he/she may have not done YET something recordable, thus a clean rao sheet is an illusion of safety.
6 degrees!
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| Am I crossing the line doing background checks on a suspicious date?
Posted: 10/24/2007 1:00:39 AM |
the whole point is to get info on them before i let them know much about myself ....i never give my whole name and never allow them to know where i live until we have dated for awhile my phone number is unpublished and unlisted i usually dont give out where i work
Now if we were really going to play fair then you would have no business demanding information from him that you aren't willing to give about yourself. And to do a reasonable background check, that would be a full name, known aliases, address, phone number, and previous addresses within the last 2-5 years. That is, after all, the standard for background checks done by employers. Like they say; "What's good for the goose is good for the gander."
if they wanna see me they give me the info i demand ....dont like it dont see me...that simple if you cant play by my rules then go play with yourself i have small children at home
I love the way she says this as though a man would be a fool to not submit to her game. Suggestion; next time you want to complain about not being able to find a decent guy, remind yourself that he probably wasn't too inclined to play by your rules. | |
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| Am I crossing the line doing background checks on a suspicious date?
Posted: 10/24/2007 6:13:45 AM | | I have to admit, being a single mother of one, I have a rule that I don't bring anyone home around my child for several months, kids just get attached, plain and simple. Although, when I've talked to different men on here, or even on other sites, I ALWAYS run their names through Neighborhood WatchDog for sexual offenders, or through OTIS (Offender Tracking Information Systems). I for one don't want to be involved with a convict nor a sex offender. No offense to anyone, but you just don't know about anyone these days and you can't be too safe. | |
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| Am I crossing the line doing background checks on a suspicious date?
Posted: 11/7/2007 7:10:03 AM | Another note for you girls.....simply google (actually I would use all of the search sites) the "name used by the guy" on these search sites and you will be able to see what other types of dating sites they are members of. This will further clue you in on who they are. Good luck with the fishing.................. | |
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| Am I crossing the line doing background checks on a suspicious date?
Posted: 11/7/2007 10:16:27 AM | I agree I am so saddened by how difficult it has become to just date. I just want to go on a date meet someone nice or not and act accordingly. When did I have to start all of the covert ops.
ie. let's meet -and in the restaraunt (I don't want him to know what kind of car I drive)
maybe I should wear a wig
we must be at least 30 miles from where I live
He cannot know my real name, phone number, etc
I'll have a friend tale me
LOL
Give me a break... as a women I know I have to be careful but I just want to keep some of the faith I have in my fellow man.
Just go with your gut. Get to know someone at a reasonable pace. Creeps usually start to show signs in a short amount of time...like the clues mentioned in the orgininal post. | |
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| Am I crossing the line doing background checks on a suspicious date?
Posted: 11/30/2007 11:35:00 PM | | Your question is am I crossing the line on the background check??? I understand safety is important, and quite understandable. Your just trying to be safe! Now here is honesty which is what we all ask for. I for one will not bring anyone around my children, and that is my place to take care of them, so much respect for the parents for that! When I get to a point , and there is a relationship established, and it feels safe and secure then a door might open to an introduction. Now this is only a beginning to what I am writing about here. Honesty is! I have a criminal past, and I am over 14 years clean and sober, and I am forward and honest with who I am so run the back ground check on me, but talk with me and see me for the person I am today, not over 14 years ago. Everyone has a black mark in there past one time or another, but have we learned and progressed from it! So if I steal a piece of candy when I was ten and got in trouble and learned a lesson should I be judged by it now? People meet me and really like me, and when we discuss my past they say no that is not you to this day. But If someone says hi my name is Sue and what is your criminal history like they go WOW I will no longer talk to him. Which is their right! But my feelings still get hurt all the same because I am not that person I once was. I have split custody of my 3 year old daughter, she is the very breath I breathe in this life, and she is who is most important! But I am still human, and also entitled to companionship. My life is an open book when it comes to my criminal history, but ask me and get to know the person who grew from his mistakes and stupid decisions in his past, And I will introduce you to who this man is aside from his past. You would be surprised and happy to get to know a person like that if given a chance. Judge me or critisize me if you may, but I had written out of honesty, and my pictures and profile is now your open book to view, and my little girls pic is on there also, so please be respectful of that. I hope I answered your question appropriately. To all have a wonderful day! | |
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| Am I crossing the line doing background checks on a suspicious date?
Posted: 12/1/2007 4:23:30 PM | If the FLAGS are big and red, there's no reason to do anything, but walk away. It's the one's who seem to have it all down pat and all the right answers, but there is that nagging, gut feeling, that something is just to perfect or not quite right, that one needs to explore further.
The package may seem perfect, beautifully wrapped, but it may be a fox in sheep's clothing. Better to be safe than sorry..........always.... | |
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Iowa44
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Joined: 7/19/2006
Msg: 550 | |
| Am I crossing the line doing background checks on a suspicious date?
Posted: 12/1/2007 4:50:11 PM | I google every woman I date you, would be surprised on how often there are legal problems with someone who seems normal.One woman who said she had absolutley no contact with their ex for over two years was still working with him every day,later told me she just didn't want another woman to work with her ex soshe wouldn't sign the final papers.
Another time I found a court document that showed that the supermom I was supposed to go out with was unemployed and had had her kids placed into the foster care system, I check out carfax when looking at a used car,why not check out someone you are dating.,let the buyer beware. | |
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