| Why are children a problem?
Posted: 8/7/2007 3:50:24 PM | That is due to the fact that they don't want to
be place 2nd or 3rd in a relationship.
They don't want to get into the conflicts with
childrens other parent,to much bad karma
Or they just aren't ready to raise or have
already raised their own children and don't
want to do it again.
Personally i have a daughter thats going to be 12
soon and if my date couldn't handle that then who
needs them. | |
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| Why are children a problem?
Posted: 8/7/2007 6:26:49 PM | Some are afraid of the responsibilities of taking care of someone else's children.
Sadly though, they forget that a mother is a package deal!
The term 'mother' means 'I have children' and I tell mothers up front: "Listen, I cannot be your children's father because they already have a father and regardless of whether he is in the picture or not is beside the point - he is their father. The best thing I can be is a positive role model for your children. That's all"
I do not get into the art of raising another's children - I'm helping to raise my own by being there for them and paying my fair share of child support BUT I'm not going to abandon her because she has kids. I won't mete out discipline - that's her and his responsibility - but I won't leave them stranded either.
Instant families are a definite time saver and not all of us want to bring a newborn into this world. When I was young and single, I never let a mother situation deter me.
Now with all that said there is ONE crucial element that I think may mothers do NOT think about when dating:
It's easy to get attached to kids and if you're not married or happy together and split up it's hard on the kids as well as the men when he has to walk away. That's why I make it a rule to NOT meet their children for about six months until I'm comfortable with them and willing to make this more permanent so that there's little chance of me entering a little one's life and then suddenly leaving in 3 or 4 months.
My dime's worth... | |
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| Why are children a problem?
Posted: 8/9/2007 11:37:14 AM | Well, I've never dated or saw a gal with kids.
I don't have kids of my own either.
I believe that people should put their kids first. This also includes relationships to a varying degree. Women with kids have less free time. (fun time or ect), they also have more responsibilities which may "weigh" them down.
Personally, I could easily be friends with or casually date a women with a child (or children). However I believe it would be difficult to progress into a more serious relationship unless I am willing (and ready) to be a bigger part of her children's lives. Regardless of how you slice it, getting into a relationship with a person with kids, ultimately puts you in a relationship with the kids as well.
I wouldn't want to take the jump unless I know I could be there for her and her children, and if she didn't want me to worry about her kids (aka she doesn't care or ect)... I'd be worried about her!
Really this isn't just a cut and dry sort of thing, unless you are just casually dating around, not looking for something more. If you are looking for a serious relationship, it is actually a big deal, and should be addressed as such.
But either if I'm right or wrong, doesn't matter... thats how I feel. | |
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| Why are children a problem?
Posted: 8/9/2007 2:24:58 PM | I can only speak for myself. I have two young adult children and I enjoyed (almost) every minute raising them. I don't have a problem if a woman has children and I wouldn't have any issues about the competence of their father. That said, if I were to begin a committed LTR with her, my role in the children's lives would be as a positive role model, not a parent.
If we were both attracted and compatible together, the children would be part of the package, and should bring both joys and challenges to the relationship, just like anything else. Is a seriously ill parent or combative ex-spouse any less demanding? If you are a good match, it works out. | |
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| Why are children a problem?
Posted: 8/9/2007 3:46:18 PM |
Something I hadn't noticed brought up too (and I may have missed it),
But the first thing I think while viewing a womans profile, with kids, is...what happened to the father?
You liked them enough to have a kid with them. Or...at least enough to sleep with them. And now you have a kid with them. If you simply decide you don't like the childs father any more...what chance would I have for a real relationship? Would I be left too, if I got you pregnant? etc....
If/when I get married...it will be once, and for life.
If I have a kid...I do NOT want a broken family.
If you have a kid, and arnt with the kids father.....kinda makes me wonder.
Of course...there are exceptions to every rule.
There are WAY too many exceptions to that rule. I know a lot of guys that have just left their g/f JUST because she's pregnant. Also, having to go to court so many times with both my ex's, 7 times out of 10 it's the same. There's a guy that I work with. He was abusive to his g/f 8 yrs ago. She left him. They had a daughter together.
Don't act innocent. Most people don't want the hassle and expense of taking on other people's children unless they're wimps.
Everyone has to choose what's best for them and makes them happy.
Is it just me or are those 2 statements a contradictory? If everyone has to choose what makes them happy, then MAYBE, just MAYBE, taking on someone elses children is what makes them happy. If a person wants to take on another person's kids doesn't make them a wimp. The WIMP is the child's parent that copped out, ran away, making trouble, causing drama.
I have 2 kids, I have custody of one, and visitation with the other. For me there's A LOT to consider when I think of dating a woman with kids. When the time comes for the kids to meet, will they get along? Will her kids and me get along? Will my kids and her get along? What kind of relationship does the father have in all this? I'll give a woman with kids a chance. No problem. Just take things as they come. Who knows, someday we could become the next Brady Bunch. | |
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| Why are children a problem?
Posted: 8/9/2007 4:58:54 PM | Where a child is concerned the man is going to come a seriously poor second to a child.
I have been in that situation once and it was just dire.
Some kids are better than others but some you just cant live with. | |
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| Why are children a problem?
Posted: 8/9/2007 11:53:47 PM | | FOR ME, IT WASNT SO MUCH THAT THE CHILDREN ARE A PROBLEM --- ITS THAT THE GUYS SPEND WAY TOO MUCH TIME TALKING ABOUT THEM, AS IF THOUGH THEY ACTUALLY HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH ME, EVEN WELL BEFORE I GET TO KNOW THEM WELL ENOUGH TO ESTABLISH AN INTEREST IN THEM --- NOT TO MENTION, IT DOES GET TIRING TO HEAR OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN ABOUT HOW HIS KIDS COME FIRST --- AFTER A WHILE, ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS FIND SOMEPLACE TO HIDE WHERE YOU CAN HEAR ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE OTHER THAN "HIS KIDS' ACCOMPLISHMENTS AND HOW MUCH HE LOVES THEM." AFTER A WHILE, YOU BEGIN TO WONDER WHY YOU ARE EVEN AROUND IN THE FIRST PLACE. | |
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| Why are children a problem?
Posted: 8/10/2007 12:27:25 AM | OP: Children can be a wonderful thing for a couple, but they greatly complicate a responsible dating relationship. When I consider a relationship with a woman with children, I first think of how it will feel to be second in her life to her kids. I consider that, because I couldn't be involved with a woman who didn't put her kids first. I'm also very wary of attempts to bring children into dating situations too quickly. One of the worst things a woman can do, in my opinion, is to post pictures of their children in their dating profile...bad form, if you ask me. Those kids are real people, and they deserve to not have to date along with their parent.
I guess what I'm getting at is, in order for me to live with dating a mom with young kids, I have to be willing to accept the reality that we won't get to see much of each other at first, at least until we're certain that we're stable enough and it's appropriate to incorporate the kids into our dating activities. That could be a very big sacrifice, and it's one that I definitely consider, along with the other daddy drama and bonding issues that others have already discussed. It's not a deal-breaker by any means, but it certainly does complicate things when dating, especially at first. | |
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| Why are children a problem?
Posted: 8/10/2007 2:00:33 AM | | Because guys without children see women with children as a Big Ball and Chain. They KNOW that 85% of the time....the women are looking for a Daddy and a Husband, and not all of them are ready to go THERE yet. | |
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| Why are children a problem?
Posted: 8/10/2007 3:26:44 AM |
Guys don't want to raise someone else's kid.
Short, to the point, and correct. It's just not the way we're wired (not very good for the survival of our genes to raise other kids, you see). But be grateful we aren't clubbing the lil' sprog over the head. A few thousand years ago that might not have been so uncommon...
The thing is, even if the guy wants children eventually, he knows that if he has kids with that women, they will never be quite so important. The first born is always the most special, and his kids will never be her first born. They'll never be the first to learn to walk and talk, the first to go to school, play in the sports team, pass their exams, and so forth. As much as a guy doesn't want to be second best, he doesn't want his kids to be either.
If a guy wants children of his own eventually, he is probably even less likely to want to be with a single mum than a guy who doesn't. | |
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| Why are children a problem?
Posted: 8/20/2007 2:34:03 PM | I think the first answer is quite appropriate: "we" DON'T want someone else's "left-overs"...
Now my question is: why the hell are women having children at such a young age? I mean, I've met some "women" (or are they still considered "girls"?) who have children when they're in their late teens and (very) early 20s? I don't know about anyone else, but it kind of makes me feel a bit uneasy... It makes me feel a lot better that I don't have a sister, and I definitly know I'm never having a daughter (and if I did, she better have standards).
Let me just tell you all this, if I had a younger sister or worse, assuming I was older and I had an 18 year old daughter, then some random douche bag got her pregnant, I'd probably go "Jack the Ripper" on him. I'd make sure he suffers for the rest of his miserable existence on Earth, and when I finally choose to allow him to die, he'll still have hell to look forward to in the after life...
Unfortunately, it can often times be the woman's fault too. If that's the case, then I'd probably disown my daughter for being such a slut. It really depends... This stuff is starting to disturb me. I hate thinking about the possible scenarios and out comes of having a daughter, so therefore, I'm probably NEVER having children. | |
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| Why are children a problem?
Posted: 8/20/2007 3:22:49 PM | OP-- As you are from Canada.. look up.
"in Parentis Loco" otherwise known as..
get the guy youdated for 6 months to pay you child support on top of the bio-dad...
No guy in his right mind would gamble those odds. As soon as a child thinks of you as a parental figure, kaching.. child support obligation, wheter you are married or not, as long as the kid is under 18.
No thanks. | |
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| Why are children a problem?
Posted: 8/20/2007 6:16:59 PM | Here it is in a nutshell
Your child/ren is/are number # 1.
Your new boyfriend is # 2.
So your priorities are on your them(kids).
He's screwed from the get go.
 | |
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| Why are children a problem?
Posted: 8/20/2007 6:26:48 PM | Why do I NOT date women with children -or- teen kids nearing adulthood?
I don't have a need to take on the drama of a ready made family when I've lived my life so as not to have one or the accompanying drama.
From early adulthood, it was my choice not to have kids. Some of us are just not wired for parenthood, realize it and behave accordingly.
As an aside, I'm sick of hearing others suggest that my life is unfufilled because of my choice to forego parenting. To each his own. | |
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| Why are children a problem?
Posted: 8/20/2007 9:10:15 PM | I can understand the frustration and concern guys may have… But… Some women with kids DO NOT have baby’s momma drama happening and get passed over by many guys…
I have a teenage son who is independent (he is 18) and VERY supportive of me eventually finding someone for me… We get along wonderfully (I dont accept BS). Also, it is no problem me finding the time to be with someone special…
I have tried messaging guys I felt may be a match (out of shared interests) but then find I am blocked from messaging because I have a child.
The women who ARE "exceptions to the rule" are avoided/ignored due to classifying every women with children the same… Is a shame... but so is life... | |
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| Why are children a problem?
Posted: 8/20/2007 9:21:05 PM | Okay, I agree with the guys who say it is their right to not date women with children. This is understandable. When I was much younger, I didn't want to date a man with children, because in my mind I knew there was a mom of those kids around somewhere, and I wouldn't want any run ins with her. I wouldn't want her to accuse me of any wrong doing, aka avoiding any drama. So we are on the same page here guys!
But, I have to address what I don't like is hearing a few of the guys judge a woman for having children at a young age, etc.
You shouldn't do that with anyone, you don't know the situation, and it is hard enough for those women I am sure. ( I was not a very young first time mom)
Don't say they made a mistake. It is awful to think any child is a mistake. You were a child once too, and it would have hurt you and your mom if she was told that. | |
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| Why are children a problem?
Posted: 8/20/2007 10:17:41 PM | | Good god....did we really have to ressurect this thread?? Anyhow...I've given it some thought. I think its understandable when you are a young 20 something to not want to date someone with kids. When you get into your 30s and 40s it narrows your prospects drastically. Maybe thats one of the reasons older guys go for younger women....they are less likely to be mothers already...perhaps???? I for one (as I've said in other parenting threads) was married at the time and planned on having a child when I did. I do not expect anyone to be a dad to my son except his own dad. I work full time, have a college degree and don't depend on any state aid. The fact that I have a son makes me appreciate "guy things" a lot more because I have to fill both mom and dad roles | |
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| Why are children a problem?
Posted: 8/20/2007 10:23:13 PM | It just depends.........Are the kids well behaved? Will I be expected to discipline these kids? Are the kids receptive to new adults that are dating their mom? All these things as well as many others come into play when deciding to date a single mom....The bottom line, is it going to be a sacrifice or am I the one who's gaining. Last but not least, I have to ask myself, why did the dad leave. Either way she's got to be very special.
S | |
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| Why are children a problem?
Posted: 8/20/2007 10:30:27 PM | | I can only speak for myself here. My son is well behaved...keeping in mind...he is six. I don't expect anyone else to discipline him but his father and I. Truthfully...I'd be offended if anyone else other than caregivers, teachers or family ,disciplined him. I don't even talk about anyone I'm dating to my son...much less introduce him to anyone I'm dating until I feel good and ready to. I don't feel that I have to explain why my ex husband left. I will say he did me a huge favor, though. | |
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| Why are children a problem?
Posted: 8/20/2007 11:07:02 PM | I'm glad that you have a well rounded son. Why does it feel like your offended at my response to this question.....They did ask for honesty, and in my geographical area, you would not believe what some single mothers are asking for......This response was not aimed at you! by the way are you following me? lol
S | |
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| Why are children a problem?
Posted: 8/21/2007 9:57:47 PM | Personally I feel as though I need to say something when I see so much negativty aimed at single moms. I realize the kinds of things many single moms seem to pull, but as in many cases ...it isn't fair to stereotype. I happen to be very outspoken when it comes to this issue.......and no....I'm not following you | |
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| Why are children a problem?
Posted: 8/21/2007 10:54:29 PM | wouldn't you want the women to be upfront & honest ? I have my child posted on my dating site because I don't want anyone to pursue me if they aren't ready for that commitment. Kids are a big deal & honesty is to and I certainly don't want to lead a man to think my children aren't a huge part of my world if you don't inquire about me because of that that is your personal preference & thank God for knowing that before things get serious.  | |
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| To Manmademan0083. Why are children a problem?
Posted: 8/22/2007 12:00:22 AM | Manmademan0083,
I commend you on your ability to write. It is an attractive quality for those of us who are not only beautiful, but cerebral. However, I must state that the level of self-absorption and conceit that you display in your writing, as well as in your profile, is astounding. Perhaps it is the lack of maturity or perhaps it is simply that you are a selfish person.
It might help you in life, as you grow older, to concentrate on OTHER people rather than on yourSELF all the time. You aren't doing a lady any favors by going out with her. SHE is gracing you with her presence. Learn to appreciate that. This is the hallmark of a gentleman. Of course, you did not say that you were one. | |
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| Why are children a problem?
Posted: 8/22/2007 5:01:16 AM | WOW, there is some negative f**king people out there. There are lots of comments that are really disturbing in this thread, "they don't want someone's leftovers" has gotta be the worst, patrol sgt gets the award for the best thought out, non judgemental explanation I've read on the subject.
I've been on both sides of the room on this one, I have dated, and will possible in the future date single moms (lets face it, married moms are harder to date  ) and I am the evil babys daddy some people are talking about. That being said, in regards to my ex's boyfriends, as long as they are non abusive to my child/childs mom, what happens in her house is hers to deal with, and what happens in my house is mine to deal with. | |
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| Why are children a problem?
Posted: 8/22/2007 7:54:22 AM | I guess I have a different perspective. If I "date" a man with a child, I would prefer that the child not be part of the dating situation. I have been single for a while. I dated a man briefly who brought his two daughters along on a date. I was very uncomfortable as were they. When dating, my children were not part of the package. I kept that separate and because I wanted to wait for our relationship to progress to a point where I thought a more permanent status was imminent, I never included my children in any of it. It's sad enough when a relationship ends, but if you have to break up with the children too, it's even sadder.
My advice is this. You have children, keep them separate from your dating unless and until you want to make it permanent. I have seen the wreckage of children whose parents have had revolving doors on their bedrooms. | |
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