| Why are children a problem?
Posted: 8/22/2007 9:51:13 AM | Before i got married i dated a woman who had 3 children,..ages 9, 15, 18. Each of these children had their own special personality.
The 9yr old wanted me to be the " Father Figure" kinda guy,..take him to ballgames,...show him how to play sports,...help him with homework,..ect ect,....I loved being that guy,..i felt that i was contributing to his well being,..considering that he father was a dead beat dad.
The 15yr old,..well she was a piece of work,...had drug problems,...lots of boyfriends,.and had no respect for herself or elders.
The 18yr old ,...She just hated the fact that her Mom was Once again dating another guy,..so needless to say i was the " Bad Guy" right away.
With that being said,..it was a really tough long road. And i really tried to be a responsible person and try to help and tend to each individual's needs. but to be honest ,..It really put a strain on our relationship. I actually found that i was trying so hard to " Be Accepted" by the children,...i was ignoring the wants and needs of my gf!.
Anyway,..I am not by any means saying that this is your situation,..was just trying to share an experience.
you asked " I want to be upfront and honest right away with a guy, that is why I publish that I have a child. What do most men have against that?"
1) no matter how hard we try ,..we know that we will never be the " Real Father "
2) Ex Husband/bf daddy drama,..very big issue there
3) Some guys dont know what to do or say when it comes to disciplining your child/children. I noticed one person wrote that they dont want anyone outside of family members and teachers to discipline her child. So when the guy feels that the child is dis-respectful,..he cant do anything about it,...yet the guy has to except the Woman and her child as a total package. Does'nt seem far to me.
4) Last and most important,...What happens if things dont work out after you have been together awhile. Breaking up with a gf is one thing,...but breaking up with a gf with a child is a whole different kind of hurt.
I remember after the relationship was over,...i went into a store to buy a paper,..opened my wallet to pay,..and saw a pic of me and the kids,...felt like someone was digging my heart out with a spoon.
There are alot of guys out there that enjoy a instant family,..and are willing to do everything they can,...OP you just have to find the right guy,..and i wish you the best of luck!
take care you | |
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| Why are children a problem?
Posted: 8/23/2007 11:43:27 AM | ^^^^ Sounds like the best reason I've heard for driving a two-seater. "Sorry, there's just no room for any of your kids..."
I had a slightly similar experience many years ago - with a local singles group outing. We went with to play miniature golf. There was one woman who for some reason brought her three creatures from HELL with her. The woman herself wasn't bad-looking, but that group of four was so totally in need of a whole army of therapists it was a total turn-off. Maybe some hero-to-the-rescue type found it a turn-on. Who knows? From my perspective they definitely didn't put the 'fun' in dysfunctional.
I've yet to run across a mother-headed situation that wasn't like this to one degree or another. Another I recall was divorced and an EBD (Emotionally and Behaviorally Disturbed) 'counselor' at a local junior high. So she dealt with messed up kids professionally all day. Her own 16 year old daughter was dating some 23 or 25 year-old and she couldn't/wasn't able to do anything about it. Her son was also had "issues". And this woman had a master's degree from a well-known prestigious university.
So, thanks, but No Thanks on the women with kids. Just not worth all the hassles. | |
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| Why are children a problem?
Posted: 8/27/2007 10:24:29 PM | Something else that to consider is IF the relationship does not work out with someone with kids then you (male or female) may be held financially responsible (through the courts) for those children (even though they are not YOUR kids)… I have knows of a few people who have ended up in this mess…
So even thought I have a child and KNOW it means some men would shy away from me, truth is I do understand… Sad thing is they miss out on women (me) who has raised her son and is now ready to focus strictly on the relationship side of life. :-)
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trev87
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Joined: 8/10/2007
Msg: 55 | |
| Why are children a problem?
Posted: 8/27/2007 11:11:36 PM | | Finance. A lot of bachelors are low on cash and don't plan to come into money anytime soon so they would naturally be against anything long term. And if a guy doesn't have kids, it feels like a big responsibility. | |
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| Why are children a problem?
Posted: 8/27/2007 11:49:30 PM | Some men... want to make their own. 
Some men have been through bad situations realted to women who had children from previous relationships.
Usually, if the woman has children, that means there's another guy who's going to come visiting the children. Those "EXes" can be quite annoying at times... Often on purpose.
Also... any reasonable man who can think at all will know that the children will take first place to his second place. (if they don't then the woman isn't a decent mother...) He's just "the date"... and the woman will always have known the children longer than the new man.
Issues arise regarding how to handle discipline of the children...
Sometimes the woman is overprotective of the children and won't believe the guy when he informs her of some real misbehavior.
Men tend to have stricter rules than women related to acceptable behavior of the children. But... they aree hers, not his... (note that as there have been increasing numbers of women raising children without men around... there has been increasing crime.)
So.. it takes a special kind of man and an equally special kind of woman for things to work out when the woman already has children by a previous partner. | |
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| Why are children a problem?
Posted: 8/28/2007 10:55:04 AM | | If I could be assured that you had control over the kid and I wouldn't have to get involved as far as punishment and raising went then I would be fine with it but I know that thats not the case with kids. I don't like meddling in others affairs and my idea of child rearing is different than yours and the kids fathers. | |
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| Why are children a problem?
Posted: 8/28/2007 11:11:36 AM |
they don't want someone's leftovers.
You know, the one thing I greatly admire about the younger generation is that many of them speak their mind honestly and call a spade a spade even if their words are a bit harsh sometimes. I'll take that harsh honesty over sweet BS anytime.
Recently a single mom friend of mine has convinced me to keep open mind on this issue as it's not always cut and dry... you never know who you're passing up. But to answer the OP honestly, the following thoughts have crossed my mind in the past when considering the issue.
My Resentment Towards Irresponsible Guys...
- The other guy had all the fun and plants his seed all around the world and I'm going to step up and take on his responsibility??? Especially when I made the effort and sacrifice to be responsible and not have kids unless it was for life. If I step up and help, then that ass-hole is getting the best of both worlds. 
What Goes Around Comes Around... Empathy For The Children...
- Keep in mind that I was a child of divorce - during the informative years of childhood. As a child I felt very loyal to my dad (even though he was irresponsible at the time - I know it doesn't make sense) and didn't want mom bringing some other guy into our home to try to be a new dad. I didn't want that as a child so how I can I now do that to a child. Has the mom really considered the child's real feelings or is she doing what she thinks is best???
Selfish Needs (we all have them, life isn't all selflessness)...
- Single moms always want to make their kids the priority. Yes that is very important but when the hell would I ever be the priority in a relationship like that? Everyone should at some point be a priority in a family. Does she truly realize that??? As a side note, this one actually puts to the test trying to find a good healthy balance between selfishness and selflessness.
My Fear
- What if the mom deep down is a cleaver user. She doesn't really give a rat's ass about building a meaning relationship and only wants someone to help her support and raise her family out of necessity. There are some horror stories from guys out there to that effect. Women who have a hard time supporting themselves really only amplify this fear that there is another motive at work.
Sometimes honesty can hurt and offend but again, I'll take it over sweet lies anytime. I really thank and appreciate my single mom friend for engaging this issue head on with me. We opened each other's minds that day on this issue. My advice to single mom's is lay the cards on the table and be prepared for some tough honesty both ways. What I've stated here is a taste of that.
Take care and good luck OP,
Marco | |
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| Why are children a problem?
Posted: 4/10/2008 9:41:01 PM | My I just say....:
1. Sometimes children "magically appear" as little fairies might in your little Walt Disney World fantasy and the parents really might not have a say say except as a little"uh-oh, love the little gaffer anyway" as a response to a oopsy rompy romp oh shit in the hay one night.
2. Maybe women no longer have to stay in relationships with ***holes only because they have biologiocical children with them. Maybe now women are empowered to leave abusive ***holes for the future well being of their children which will hopefully end the cycle of abuse that staying in an awful relationship entails.
3. So there...and also...are there really still NEANDRATHALS like you out there...how awful....make no wonder.....and it makes me wonder....ugh ugh! | |
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| Why are children a problem?
Posted: 4/11/2008 1:05:46 AM | This thread has made me laugh so much, I can't believe the way some people think.
I am also very offended that someone could call children"someone elses left overs" that's low, how would you feel if someone said that about you?
All this talk about the mum wanting you to bring up their children if you got into a relationship and paying for the children, well in England the only male who pays for the children is the one who fathered the children.
I wouldn't want anyone "bringing up" my son, that is my responsibility alone and I don't need anyone else to pay for him, I'm perfectly capable of doing that myself.
As for thinking why did the father leave...well in my sistuation I left him, I wasn't risking my life and the life of my then unborn child by staying with an abusive man, as I'm sure you can understand.
I just hope that those of you that posted horrible comments never have children because seriously no child deserves that! | |
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| Why are children a problem?
Posted: 4/11/2008 2:25:12 AM | No, what lots don't get is why you chose an abusive a$$hole in the first place, and then decided to pass along his winning genes by having his baby.
If you hadn't done those two things there wouldn't be any problem in the first place. | |
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| Why are children a problem?
Posted: 4/11/2008 6:42:08 AM | scorpiomover, msg 23
Single women are easy to drop when they go crazy.
I love how you said "when" instead of "if"  . | |
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| Why are children a problem?
Posted: 4/11/2008 8:10:43 AM | Simple answer there, he didn't become abusive until I was pregnant, hence why I left him.
A child doesn't inherit "the abusive gene" dumbass, did you inherit the stupid gene? | |
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| Why are children a problem?
Posted: 4/11/2008 8:11:50 AM | | you're all morons, the women and their children are having a very lucky escape from all of you. | |
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| Why are children a problem?
Posted: 4/11/2008 8:15:59 AM | you're all morons, the women and their children are having a very lucky escape from all of you.
We're ALL morons? I can see why you chose your profile name. I feel bad for your kid. | |
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NERO1
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Joined: 3/8/2008
Msg: 66 | |
| Why are children a problem?
Posted: 4/11/2008 8:26:22 AM | | I don't have any problem with it personally. 1 or 2 I could handle a woman having, especially within my (general) dating age range. I had said on another post on here one time that I wouldn't care to start off with someone who already had like 3-5 +. But that's a different story. I just think like 4 or 5 kids is a huge thing to (potentially) have to take on for a previously totally single guy who doesn't have any of his own and hasn't even been married or anything. But a girl having 1 or 2 kids, to me, wouldn't deter me at all from dating her, possibly seriously if it worked out. | |
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| Why are children a problem?
Posted: 4/11/2008 10:40:37 AM | For a lot of people I am sure it is a commitment and responsibility issue as others have said. But for a lot of us it's just a case of wanting to have our own kids. I have never had a kid, and I'd prefer to enter a relationship with someone who is the same. If I met someone I really liked who had kids, I wouldn't not date them for that reason. I just prefer to find someone in my situation. It's not really that complicated.
But, I also know a lot of guys who have had horrible experiences hooking up with women who had children already. Mainly with the fathers of those children giving them, and the women major grief. It's one of those situations were a lot can go wrong. | |
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| Why are children a problem?
Posted: 4/11/2008 10:43:01 AM | Playing referee here: Be nice, kids.
Single, childless people have every right to only want to date someone who didn't already go through all those stages of life without them. It's difficult dealing with someone else's children, with no power of punishment, with (sometimes) no respect at all, and being essentially an 'extra' in your life. And let's face it, kids can be a pain in the ass at all times. If you love them anyway, good for you, but being a prat makes them hard to love. Plus, very little alone/sexy time- something every blossoming relationship needs.
Divorced/Unmarried parents have other people to be concerned about. They don't have a choice but to date people who want to date entire families, or think they can possibly deal with instant families. It's hard to not be able to focus on the relationship, on your own needs, but you don't have a choice. You're the parent, no one else gets to punish. Your kids are your kids, and if people can't accept them, they can't accept you.
This is just the way it is. The parents have a harder time dating because it's a much narrower dating pool who's willing to outlast all the hassles. The childless, having waited, have every right to want something fresh, to go through all those stages for the very first time, to revel in the traditional dating game.
Deal, people. No one is wrong for wanting someone that will fit into their preferred lifestyle. | |
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| Why are children a problem?
Posted: 4/11/2008 11:22:47 AM |
you're all morons, the women and their children are having a very lucky escape from all of you.
So why are they complaining because we don't date them?
I think they should be grateful instead. | |
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| Why are children a problem?
Posted: 4/11/2008 11:43:10 AM | | Sometimes its not the kids that are the problem. I'd offer more but since you chose a "handle" that propogates pain, suffering, slavery, multilation, and murder I just didn't have an alacrity to look at your profile. | |
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| Why are children a problem?
Posted: 4/11/2008 1:39:39 PM |
you're all morons, the women and their children are having a very lucky escape from all of you.
Perhaps it's the other way around in that the guy is fortunate enough to get as far away from you as possible.
Especially with that type of attitude in where you have to resort to calling everyone morons who disagree with you. | |
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| Why are children a problem?
Posted: 4/11/2008 1:54:00 PM | Ok, getting back to the topic
It is personal preference just like anything. But for me I evaluate each individual situation whether there are kids or not. It just means there are usually more factors in the equation. Some people don't mind that, some people do. I say to each their own. No need to take anything personally. Life is way too short for all that mess. | |
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| Why are children a problem?
Posted: 4/11/2008 2:25:54 PM | Why wont I date a mother? Her children wont fit on the back of the bike.
I want to be in a relationship with someone not an entire family.
I've tried a few times and it doesn't work for me so now I don't even look. | |
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| Why are children a problem?
Posted: 4/11/2008 6:30:19 PM | I wouldn't want anyone "bringing up" my son, that is my responsibility alone and I don't need anyone else to pay for him, I'm perfectly capable of doing that myself.
Such arrogance.
It can't work that way young lady. Suppose you're off to the store and the man you married is at home with your child. So, you're seriously telling us that all he'll be "allowed" to do is tell the child, "Settle down or I'll have to tell your mum what you did." A kid will see right through that emasculated response and proceed to tear the house down.
A family, whether it's biological or put together, must have a consistent level of discipline from both parents to exist as a unit. If the children are allowed to run roughshod over one parent or the other, the family will soon tear itself apart. This is precisely the kind of mess the thinking man refuses to allow himself to be put into.
Disagree, as I'm sure you will, but if the parents aren't steering the child through life as a cohesive unwavering unit, the results will be disastrous for all involved. | |
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| Why are children a problem?
Posted: 4/11/2008 7:19:35 PM | | Personally, I'd be concerned and afraid of the prospect of growing attached to the kid, and of the kid growing attached to me. That would be inevitable if the woman and I got into a serious relationship. | |
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