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| Where are all the GOOD guys?
Posted: 9/4/2007 7:56:26 PM | You ladies , looking for that guy who treats you good . will be with you whiole shopping and not complain ? well , you'll have to make the drive to wisconsin . I am 41 . I live and work the fox valley .  | |
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| Where are all the GOOD guys?
Posted: 9/4/2007 8:00:10 PM | | I agree with fuzzy therapy about good guys being easy to spot but are always single. It really stinks that the "bad boys" do nothing but take advantage of women, and on the flipside, women take advantage of the "good guys" then leave them out like yesturday's garbage.... | |
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| Where are all the GOOD guys?
Posted: 9/4/2007 8:07:42 PM |
melo, what are men supposed to do when women are acting like men? It’s a give and take kinda thing, so a person suits to match.
There are a lot of women that don’t like being women, they want to be one of the guys. To me this means that I no longer look at them like they are women, I look at them like they are guys. ....
I wouldn’t want to live with a man, so why would I want to live with a woman that is a man? Other then the physical gender part. No thanks.
Women who have been left to provide for their children, without a father to her children actively involved financially, as a parent who takes the children on a predictable basis, HAVE to do what they have to do to provide shelter, clothing, and food for their children. They dig down and find inner strength, and emotionally healthy women, aren't looking for a "magic solution" financially. They KNOW that they CAN do it alone, if they HAVE TO.
There's sort of a dividing line there. There are women, who choose to be self-sufficient and, sometimes out of fear of what's happened in their past, or seeing the situations others are in, have put up walls so high, that it's impossible to connect deeply. True intimacy seems impossible. A relationship with a woman with a priority being "independence" and an unwillingness to be vulnerable in love, isn't really (IMO) capable of truly intimate love.
There are women, who see their difficulties, and fall into the fantasy of "the right guy" making them "whole". They tend to draw the "white knights" to join them on a dsyfunctional ride based on his codependent insecurity, and her magical thinking. I wish them well.
Then there are the women who are quiet heroes, who found that they CAN do it alone, and would prefer to do it alone, rather than with the 'wrong guy" for the "wrong reasons", but who remain open to choosing, if the right guy does come along, to be emotionally open, as women, to men, who are approaching them, likewise, for the "right reasons".
I can't tell anyone else what will work for him. There are some perfectly satisfying relationships between "controlling" women and "needy" men. It's just not for me.
I was shined on by Providence, I guess, along with being available and open to it, in finding someone with whom there is a very strong connection, that continues to grow, for what seem emotionally healthy, sustainable reasons. She is one that some men might say "acts like a man in the work place". She has a responsible job, and didn't get there easily, and has to do the things in the work place that her position requires. I'm in awe of all she's done to be a mother to her children, to create a home for them, and I'm in awe of her talents and accomplishments. With me, though, there isn't any hesitation on her part to be open to me, as a man, to let me be "her man' in normal ways during the weekends we share. There's no "power struggle" or long arguments about "gender roles". It just is, and she is very much a woman, in everything she does, and that draws out the man in me, in how I respond to her in everything we do. | |
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| Where are all the GOOD guys?
Posted: 9/4/2007 8:50:55 PM |
There's no "power struggle".
You are a lucky man.
I was not talking about single mothers fending for their children, nor women in the workforce. I was leaning more toward women that pick up male ‘bad habits’ thinking that it is sexy and cool.
Yeah, this would probably be a good time for me to just shut it. Huh? | |
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| Where are all the GOOD guys?
Posted: 9/4/2007 9:13:21 PM |
I was leaning more toward women that pick up male ‘bad habits’ thinking that it is sexy and cool.
If you're referring to things like I think you might be referring to, I am not drawn to women either, who feel the need to use language like I did, when I was in the Marines. Personally, I don't like it, when I hear it, and my daughters don't use an abundance of profanity in their conversations around guys. I am not offended, when it's just guys, but I never use certain types of language in the presence of women, and it really grates on my nerves, to hear other men using too much profanity in the presence of women. I'm "old school" in a lot of ways about that.
If you're talking about women being more aggressive, than they were "in days of yore", women, like men, are learning to adjust to a significant cultural shift, of women competing with men in the working world as equals. That can carry over, when you don't know each other well.
The bottom line, though, is that you can have reasonable preferences, and still have way more women in your "universe" to choose those you'd be willing to pursue. If those traits are a turn off, it's fine. There are many women who conduct themselves in conformance with an internal view of being "a lady" as I try to conduct myself as "a gentleman". Yeah, "old school", but I already admitted that. | |
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| Where are all the GOOD guys?
Posted: 9/5/2007 4:38:25 AM | Your post, MeloFelo, made me think that a lot of the self-proclaimed "nice guys" aren't looking for an actual relationship, but are willing to settle for the first female that looks at them.
I can understand the sheer frustration of a dry-spell: two years here! However, I simply REFUSE to compromise my integrity for the "quick fix".
!Les | |
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| Where are all the GOOD guys?
Posted: 9/5/2007 4:42:18 AM |
I got 'em......all of them, locked in my basement. Want one you'll have to ask me nicely.
(Don't mind me..............just passin' through).
Ya missed one!
!Les
(oh, fudge, I just proclaimed myself a nice guy... darn it all!) | |
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| Where are all the GOOD guys?
Posted: 9/5/2007 4:49:53 AM | But melo, what are men supposed to do when women are acting like men?
Two wrongs don't make a right. There are PLENTY of women out there who embrace and celebrate their femininity. If you don't want a "tom-boy", stick to your guns.
I disagree with Zephyr, seems like. But, I've read him (here and elsewhere), and whatever else we may disagree on, I will say this: he comes across as a man with rock-solid principles.
!Les | |
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| Where are all the GOOD guys?
Posted: 9/5/2007 8:24:18 AM | "Whenever a woman acts like an adult, she is accused of acting like a man."
Simone de Bouvier
Cheeese!
Vulf  | |
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| Where are all the GOOD guys?
Posted: 9/5/2007 11:39:15 AM |
"Whenever a woman acts like an adult, she is accused of acting like a man."
Simone de Bouvier
If you feel that a Marxist feminist is authoritative, fine, but you can pretty much find a quote from some addled zealot to support just about any goofy notion that wanders through your head, if you look for one.
No, women who act like adults, are NOT accused of acting like men. There are women, though, who aren't especially feminine, as there are men, who aren't exactly what most think of as masculine. Discerning a reasonable standard for yourself to determine that in your personal life, may or may not be important to you. I'm not about to allow some lunatic, like Simone de Bouvier, close out the discussion, though, in a way that makes men feel "guilty" for wanting to be with a feminine woman. Not anymore than I would allow deBouvier's fellow traveller, Prof. McKinnon, make me feel guilty for having an emotionally healthy attitude towards sexuality.
A "quotesmith" should remember McKinnon's famous "all heterosexual sex is rape" quote. | |
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| Where are all the GOOD guys?
Posted: 9/5/2007 12:58:04 PM | | ^^^^ Remember, one "adult" woman once said, "Women need men like fish need a bicycle." Then she promptly married one of the wealthiest bastids living. Yes, that was Gloria Steinem, who put the A in anger. | |
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| Where are all the GOOD guys?
Posted: 9/5/2007 1:40:58 PM |
Your post, MeloFelo, made me think that a lot of the self-proclaimed "nice guys" aren't looking for an actual relationship, but are willing to settle for the first female that looks at them. I know a lot of "nice guys" who aren't proclaiming it. They're dating the nearest sl*t.
However, I know of very few guys who don't have anyone who doesn't want them.
The only guys I know who aren't dating are holding out for someone they want for more than regular sex.
<div class="quote">"Whenever a woman acts like an adult, she is accused of acting like a man."
Simone de BouvierWasn't she the one who went out with Jean-Paul Sartre, the philosopher, who advocated "free love", and she believed him, and then got annoyed when he practised what he preached and slept around with other women?
One poster said on a thread that he was a bad boy. The girls all loved him. He was seeing one girl, fell for her, changed and started being nice to her, and then she immediately went off him.
There is one consistent thing I found: people who enjoy the company of abusive people, are themselves abusive. | |
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| Where are all the GOOD guys?
Posted: 9/5/2007 7:12:56 PM |
I agree with fuzzy therapy about good guys being easy to spot but are always single. It really stinks that the "bad boys" do nothing but take advantage of women, and on the flipside, women take advantage of the "good guys" then leave them out like yesturday's garbage....
People can tell themselves that what weakness, insecurity, and fear tell them is the truth. There's nothing harder to challenge, than a strong delusion. I think that some men confuse being a "good guy" with trying to act like women, or try to figure out "what women want", based on what women can seem to be saying, even if it has nothing to do with what they really want. For what it's worth, it's a lot more productive, in every area of life, for you to figure out "who" you are, what is important to you, and from that self acceptance, to try to bring understanding to others.
Do you really believe, for example, that women don't want men to be "respectfully aggressive" sexually? If so, then are you a devotee of Prof. McKinnon that all sex between a man and woman is "rape"? You, being a "good guy" would never be "nasty" and "think about" sex, unless a woman brings it up, right? You believe that the way to a woman's heart is to let her always have her way, never disagree with her, wear your emotions on your sleeve, and shower her with constant attention, whether she is reciprocating or not?
Anyway, life sucks, I guess, that the "good guys" sleep alone, and the "bad boys" get "all the girls".
BTW, these "nice guys finish last" posts really are kind of amusing, if one reads them the right way. | |
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| Where are all the GOOD guys?
Posted: 9/5/2007 10:44:12 PM | | Hey Melo, would you agree in the contemplation that these self proclaimed good guys are, in turn, looking for the hot bad girl in hopes that she would fall for him? While the good girls often get ignored? | |
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| Where are all the GOOD guys?
Posted: 9/5/2007 11:02:25 PM |
Hey Melo, would you agree in the contemplation that these self proclaimed good guys are, in turn, looking for the hot bad girl in hopes that she would fall for him? While the good girls often get ignored?
I think the "hot bad girl" would exacerbate the insecurity that drives most of the "nice guys". Honestly, I think that a lack of self identity and overwhelming fear and insecurity can drive men to one of two extremes. One is the abusive control freak, who is trying to "control" his fear, by exerting an insatiable need for reassurance, that he continues to pursue in the delusion that he can feel "safe", if he has total control. The other, is to withdraw from "competition" or any belief that his wants and needs matter, in the hope that if he gives up all "selfish"(aka normal) expectations in a relationship, that a woman will perceive him as "safe". A variant on that is the codependent "white knight to the rescue". Either way, he thinks he'll feel "safe", if he is "needed" in some definable way. The "nice guys" want to create "dependency", just as the abusive men do, but going in the opposite direction to arrive at the same point, and both are dysfunctional. | |
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| Where are all the GOOD guys?
Posted: 9/5/2007 11:17:55 PM | Interesting concepts. What if a man controls his fear, but doesn’t care for reassurance because he finds in annoying. Wants to feel safe without total control. Withdraws from competition and normal expectations, but wants to feel needed in some way.
Would that go beyond dysfunctional? | |
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| Where are all the GOOD guys?
Posted: 9/5/2007 11:24:18 PM |
What if a man controls his fear, but doesn’t care for reassurance because he finds in annoying. Wants to feel safe without total control. Withdraws from competition and normal expectations, but wants to feel needed in some way.
Would that go beyond dysfunctional?
No, that would be "normal". Withdrawing from competition by choice is a reasonable choice, and everybody has some fear, or some insecurity. It's having them in balance and in control, that brings us into the normal range. Most people appreciate some, occasional, reassurance, too. | |
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| Where are all the GOOD guys?
Posted: 9/5/2007 11:49:36 PM | hello,
I think dating is a game of chest and checkers. You will need to have a strategy and there are always men trying to jump you. There is always some kind of game being played when you are in a relationship or dating with that being the intent. We tend to see what we want to see. So what if we have 2-3 really great conversations over the phone and we both say that we want the same things. That means nothing. You want to tell the truth and be alloth and mysterious at the same time. Let him peruse you. Don't always be available for him however, you do want him to know that you are genually interested. Be selective, know what you want and have boundaries. What ever you do be you... Don't ever sell yourself short. I wish you the best of luck. Remember you are the one with the choosing power. He does not pick you.
Summer | |
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| Where are all the GOOD guys?
Posted: 9/6/2007 12:07:17 AM |
Don't always be available for him however, you do want him to know that you are genually interested.
Sorry to say this summerfox, but it sounds to me that you only experience players. Real me are capable of handling themselves without the games. Maybe you are hanging out with the wrong people. For myself, if the woman that I am interested in does not show that she is genially and genuinely interested, then I take that at face value and move on. Don’t allow yourself to fall into the games that others play. It is a waist of time and so are those that are playing them.
Melo, you have a very articulate mind. I would suppose that the occasional reassurance would not be a bad thing. | |
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| Where are all the GOOD guys?
Posted: 9/6/2007 12:30:13 AM | well first of all i cant tell ya where all the good guys are but i know theres one right here lol.and yes i totally know what u mean.theres lots of people on here that are n0t what we sometimes look for or who they say they are but when they meet us and see that were nice people they pretend to be someone else.pretend to be who we want to date so they can be with us.
the last girl i met on here was like that.she said that she wore her heart on her sleeves for example and she turned out to be the worst most insensitive person i ever met in my life.totally coldhearted. | |
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clay71
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Joined: 7/11/2007
Msg: 298 | |
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| Where are all the GOOD guys?
Posted: 9/6/2007 12:34:30 AM | | if good guys are all married and taken, or spoken for- and the Hot, beautiful women are all married, and spoken for..... what is left???? crumbs and left- overs?? - I AM NOT HOT, OR EVEN BEAUTIFUL..more plain then anything, but it seems even the rejects, left- overs, and crumbs don't want me. I relate to the OP , whole-heartedly.. | |
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| Where are all the GOOD guys?
Posted: 9/6/2007 12:47:57 AM | Orcanna
Dont cut your self short "" Maybe you are being spared greater
pain and agony
And maybe the Guy you seek is not even here " But at another place
you will visit
So mean while do not give into or settle for the crumbs
When I find my self becoming in patient or being controlling one could
say wanting to do it my way " I can only expect the inevitable gloom and doom
I have read some of your post and you are genuine intelligent and caring
and deserve only the best from a relationship ! And maybe you just need that
validated "" Now stop fishing for crumbs and and bottom feeders fish on the top
Fishin for Jesus can be fun too !  | |
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