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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 10/1/2007 11:43:30 PM |
So the real NAYSAYERS are not those women who follow their 22 million years of biology and mating needs. The real nayser is anyone who would describe that biological instinct as "ignored".."fears"..."pessimistic"..."vulnerable"..."foolish".
Sentence structure, and choice of words, are indicators of underlying motivation. Thoughts expressed about the "advantage" of taking it slow, also, reveal either a positive reason "for" wating, as if someone believes that the ultimate relationship would be better for it, or "negative", as in dealing with fears of what might go wrong. In most posts, it's not hard to tell the difference. Heidi's OT was about what benefit might accrue by artificially slowing things down. It was more curiosity than anything, because we were doing what we planned to do anyway. It wasn't asking everyone what they're afraid of in dating, and in many of the replies, it sounded more like people saying why they don't date, than anything else.
I don't care to do "research" on dating patterns, although I have run across them. Speaking from personal experience, the dating paradigm has undergone a shift from the 50s. Lots of reasons for that, including birth control and women having equal opportunity in the workplace. It's also not important "why".
What is relevant, in terms of me, is my own experience. The women who see sex as a normal part of dating comprise virtually all the women I've met, since I was divorced 8 years ago. The question, if meeting from online, is if there is initial attraction. If there is, it's never been a question or something that needed to be talked about. Women are "empowered" now to act on their own sexual needs, just like men have always been, and it's a very natural thing. It's not nearly the "issue" that it becomes in the fora, in real life. It just is the way that it is. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 10/2/2007 3:49:23 AM | Asking men if they would take it slow is like asking your unneutered dog to not bang everything it sees.
Of all the posts I've read on here, the majority of males say to "YEEEHA, ride em, cowgirl!" I wonder why. These are the same guys that sleep with you then won't return your calls the next day. My roomate suffers from that endlessly, then wonders why.
Most of the women I've read on here agree with slowness. Sure, take it fast. Then, after you get your diseases, take those medications fast too. Oh, don't forget to move out fast after he beats the crap out of you. When you get knocked up and he takes off, you'll be wondering how to pay for your child really fast, too.
One person said it great....
Act in haste, regret in leisure. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 10/2/2007 4:03:18 AM |
These are the same guys that sleep with you then won't return your calls the next day. My roomate suffers from that endlessly, then wonders why.
Most of the women I've read on here agree with slowness. Sure, take it fast. Then, after you get your diseases, take those medications fast too. Oh, don't forget to move out fast after he beats the crap out of you.
I suppose the question of whether to take it fast or slow DOES depend on one's ability to "read" other people. If a woman finds herself sleeping with men, who aren't really "into" her, or men who are abusive, then perhaps she needs to take it slow. Other women, who are 40+ have developed a sense of people, and may go 3 years and not sleep with anyone, until there is a real connection, but when there is, aren't so consumed by fear, that they won't act on it.
A lot depends on the two people involved, and there is no hard and fast rule that applies to everyone. There is no moral high ground in taking it slow, nor is it always wise to take it fast, and the original topic was about the positive benefit to deliberately going slower than feels natural, if there is one. It wasn't about "what can go wrong" by moving fast. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 10/2/2007 5:52:01 AM |
(Msg 375) Actually who is being a NAYSAYER? The "normal" course of human relations in civil societyi is " to take it slow"…………….So the real NAYSAYERS are not those women who follow their 22 million years of biology and mating needs. The real nayser is anyone who would describe that biological instinct as "ignored".."fears"..."pessimistic"..."vulnerable"..."foolish". I don't need to go on do I? Have you ever thought, maybe women in general and a few men who aren't ignorant like taking it slow, that "fear" is not what drives them at all (maybe FEAR DRIVES YOU?), normal healthy men and women ARE NOT PESSIMISTIC, and by taking it "slow are more secure AND LESS VULNERABLE". That too has been true for 22 million years.
(Msg 378) Most of the women I've read on here agree with slowness. Sure, take it fast. Then, after you get your diseases, take those medications fast too. Oh, don't forget to move out fast after he beats the crap out of you. When you get knocked up and he takes off, you'll be wondering how to pay for your child really fast, too.
Times and circumstances have changed. I can remember going for a car loan 30 years ago and it taking almost a week for approval. Today, it’s anywhere from a day to a few minutes. Why? Because the auto dealer can find out what he needs to know about me a lot sooner.
The same applies to relationships. There weren’t any data bases for the last 22 million years. There weren’t any disease tests, let alone medicine, for the last 22 million years. What could one determine about a ranch hand 100 years ago or a wild boar hunter a million years ago? What could one discover about a potential suitor whom they saw once a week on a Sunday afternoon? Trying to determine another’s demeanor and compatibility with someone who lived in the next town was equivalent to, today, attempting to determine those things about a person who lives on the other side of the world.
Perhaps it’s the definition of “taking it slow” that results in such divergent views. Does “taking it slow” mean going slow until one finds out what they need to know or does it mean having all the necessary info and then “taking it slow” deciding if that is the right person for them? The latter is nothing more than deciding if one wishes to “settle” and I believe that’s what the anti-going-slow folks have a problem with.
”You know where and how I live. You know where I work. Come and spend a weekend or a week or with me or alternate homes for dinner every evening and make up your mind! 
Get tested. Run a criminal check. Spend a few days together and observe the person. If the chemistry is there what else is important? How he carves the Thanksgiving bird? How she wraps Christmas presents?
Another problem with the take-it-slow belief is, in many cases, people look for compatibility as one would seek in a friend. If that is the basis of the relationship then it won't last because people change their interests and activities over time and taking time to know someone usually means wanting to find out about those compatibilities. In other words it takes time to discover compatibilities in the myriad "little things" so it's logical to conclude when one needs time it means those little things are of great importance.
It all comes down to the amount of chemistry or attraction. If those "little things" are important then the chemistry is lacking. There's no passion. It's weighing the pros and cons. Going slow means the person is deciding if they're willing to "settle" for you and that's why some folks say, "Forget it. I'm out of here."
If the interest is there a person will attempt to obtain what they need to know as soon as possible so they can be with the person. Going slow is a huge red flag. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 10/2/2007 9:51:32 AM | | I myself, believe if two adults are enjoying each others company then let nature takes it course. Why question the situation if its going good. By putting myself out there, I am sure I will get hurt again and thats ok, i'll just pick myself up again and move on to the next journey. Without taking the risks, how am I suppose to know if I found my soulmate, if I am not willing to take a chance? Its better to have loved, then not have loved at all! | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 10/2/2007 10:19:40 AM | Good topic, as we get older, time becomes more precious and wasting it by dancing around the inevitable and going through the the old time laden rituals, why bother. If both parties have a good feeling for each other, get down to business and do what feels good for both. Love is a risk get over it you're either in or you are out. There are never any guarantees in life and if a year or whatever down the road it doen't work out you go your separate ways. Better for the experience. Never, never ,never let it come to the point where you hate each others guts before you depart.
Casey  | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 10/5/2007 6:06:11 PM | Because guys dont think with the brain, when I have, I realized she drives me crazy in both good and bad ways, I only want someone to do the good way to me...
Does that make any sense?
tedebare, I know what you mean, but it comes as a package, you can't have one without the other. What drives you crazy about woman is the part of the same energy that excites you. So, no... you can't have the "good" without the 'bad", it is the same thing. Can you have just days in your life without nights, no .... it is part of the journey, after the day comes the night. Does this make sense? Go, figure. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 10/5/2007 6:21:17 PM |
it comes as a package, you can't have one without the other. What drives you crazy about woman is the part of the same energy that excites you. So, no... you can't have the "good" without the 'bad", it is the same thing.
It depends on what you mean. There have been women along the way, to whom I was drawn, but who also had serious "issues" that made them dysfunctional in a relationship. In those cases, a relationship was impossible.
If what you mean is that we all have aspects to us that need "acceptance" in an intimate relationship, sure, we all have faults. Getting to the point of being beyond initial "infatuation", where you are "in love" without knowing someone, is part of the early dating process. It doesn't have to take long, though. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 10/5/2007 7:22:36 PM | Melo, I will try to expand on what I meant by "good" and "bad", but I assume that tedebare message 387 understands the same way I do. What I mean by "good" and "bad" is different moods a woman goes through, and often they are not pleaseant for a man to deal with them.
You know by now I am an avid reader of David Deida, and I think he captures very well woman's swinging through different moods and man's inablity of penetrating woman's mood . What he basically says, and I agreee with him, that a man gets resentful and frustrated with his woman when he is too afraid, weak, or unskilled. He basically wishes that woman were easier to deal with. When woman gets this way, she usually reflelcts back her lack of feeling loved by her man, and I don't mean that she just switches her mind easily, but clearly something doesn't click for her. This is when woman becomes "b!tchy", and when she gets this way, a weak man seem to tolerate her mood easily, by wanting to escape woman and the world, rather than wanting to serve his woman by penetrating her mood. When he doesn't do that, her mood grows darker, and the "b!tch" comes out of her even stronger. Then, man really hates that in his woman. But you cannot blame her for her mood, because her rage is simply a cry for love, this is what I mean by saying it is the same kind of energy. What he should do rather, is to penetrate through her mood to find out what is wrong, only then she can relax into love. If he does everything he can in his power to be with her in the moment, but she still is enraged, only then he might decide to end his relationship with her, because he knows he hads done everything he could. SO , hopefully this answers your question, of course no one is expected to stay in abusive relationship. You recognize the abuse, especially if you have come across it, so it isn't man' s responsibility to accept abuse, but to end it.
I will close it with the quote from Deida:
"The feminine part of your woman is either opening in loving surrender (easy moments) or closing in what ends up being an emotional test of your capacity to open her (difficult moments). This cycle of the feminine is like all cycles in nature: it never ends. (this is my own comparison in previous post to night following the daylight). The sooner you learn to embrace and dance with these moods of closure, the sooner both of you will grow beyond the psychodrama and see the humor of the play."
"A superiour man sees his woman's moods not as a curse, but as a challenge and an amusement."
When you start living with your new partner 24/7 .... you will know what I mean, just because you feel good about things in this moment, you will both encounter less pleasant situations, because they are part of life and relationship. They are not bad, but how you both choose to deal with it, will determine the direction of your path together.
I have once been with the superior man, and I can say it is a true blessing to a woman. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 10/5/2007 8:26:33 PM | Wow, comparing men to dogs? How gender fair!!! Only men and dogs (as in only fools and horses)? What a lovely view of the male species! No further comment on that.
Why is taking it quick "cognitively" associated by some with diseases? Fast or slow, a condom is a condom, and it is never too quick to take the time to wear one (or ask him )demand of him) to wear one, ladies)? Unless one is plastered with alcohol! Do not drink and "relate" (or have sex/make love)! Sober up, folls! Quick or slow, one should not lose one's head when horny, ne c'est pas ladies and gents? Or do SOME women and men have not the ability to still use their head when their "head" or "V" are "activated", 5 minutes or 5 months after they have met each other?
Carpe diem or get a carpet? Slow or quick mean nothing compared to eternity! Humans, love, lust, thoughts, even diseases, etc nothing lasts forever! Take that and philosophise on it SVP! lol lol And always carry a condom or more with ya! Or quickly rush to the closest vendor and then go on, whether quick or slow, no matter!!!
Does quick or slow lead to "deeper" pleasure? Intellectual or carnal? Irrelevant, said the sage man who lived in a barrel, "favor, yes, please move cause you are blocking the sun"!! | |
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Viel
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Joined: 9/14/2007
Msg: 392 | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 10/5/2007 10:26:54 PM | I would think that "taking it slow" means getting to know the other person better.
There wouldn't be a POF if we all did it right the first time.
You didnt' have enough time to get to know your now ex-husband. (after a total of three years before marrying)
You now say you found yourself and you got the answers....ok, but do you really know this new guy?
That you didn't say. Instead you got defensive against input from your family.
Sounds like this is not about knowing what will work. It's all about you doing what the hell you want. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 10/5/2007 10:38:11 PM | I've always felt confident that I won't get into anything I don't want to get into. So that I don't feel the need to take it slow . That does not mean I will ever jump into anything or that I'm in any sort of rush .
It's just that I feel most people are plenty guarded enough as it is , so that it's much better to be more prepared to take some chances . How deep a relationship can someone expect if they are prone to being so jaded and skeptical? All great things come with some risk.
If you are too nervous and protective , you might well never be able to even get something great started . | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 10/6/2007 3:21:45 AM | What I mean by "good" and "bad" is different moods a woman goes through, and often they are not pleaseant for a man to deal with them.
Thank you for amplifiying and expanding Mona_Lisa_Smiles. For me, the dynamic you're describing is the one that reveals, whether a relationship is truly "intimate", or just "friends" pretending it's a "relationship".
Intimate closeness leads to a response that, when her feelings are "overwhelming" her, and she can't articulate them, finding a deeper understanding, and recognizing that confronting her responses to her feelings "head on" is the wrong approach. Her words or actions are symptoms of her feelings, and make me want to do what I can to create a feeling of "safety" for her to share those feelings with "the one" she needs to trust, and also to have her know that we're "connected", regardless of things in the moment.
On the other hand, if a relationship is based on "being friends", rather than being "intimately close", neither of us is going to put up with "moods" or "unpleasantness" for long. That's a relationship based on "shared activities" and the "good times".
Anyway, thank you for the post. It's relevant in ways that it's best not to say too much about, but it helps to validate things I've "known" at a deep level, but couldn't have articulated as well as you have in your post. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 10/6/2007 3:48:26 AM | There are some people on POF, who convince themselves that they're "open" to a relationship, but have so many walls and barriers up, so as to make it practically impossible to find one. Very often, those are people, who are still hurting badly from "love gone wrong", and who think that, if someone is the "right one", that he/she can externally "fix" our feelings, and have developed some very specific things the person will have to do, to "prove" that he/she is the "right" one. Very often, people respond to be being hurt, by wanting to "protect themselves". This can become a mindset that one can "control" exposure to being hurt. One can, of course, by not being "exposed" or "vulnerable", but that also means not having a relationship. Many people like that, while believing that they 'would" date, if they meet the "right one", in practical terms, make it so difficult, that they never date at all.
It's different with serendipitous meetings in real life, where you make a date, without knowing anything about each other. In "online dating", though, before you meet, you've gone through a rather arduous "double filtering" process. Before Heidi and I got involved, when I was "looking", I'd only be "attracted" to a small percentage of women, who would pop up in my "viewed me" area. Mostly, those were the profiles I'd read, although Heidi was the exception. I just "happened to" see hers, when looking at another profile, as someone who lived close to that other woman. Then, of those I found attractive, only a small percentage would have any interest in me.
Then, AFTER the "double filter" for attraction, and email exchange would begin, most would wither on the vine after a couple of emails. We would just not really "interest" each other beyond a couple of emails.
Those very few "connections" that survived all that, would lead to phone calls and ultimately a real life meeting. My past experience with "online dating" is that, no matter how good the connection seems online, 3 times out of 4, there is no "chemistry" in person.
So, it's after the "double filter" of initial attraction, then the "weeding out" process of extensive conversation for a couple of weeks, and then finding "chemistry" in a first meeting, that the basis for a relationship would exist. In other words, it's not a "simple", nor "easy" thing, and it's not "someone you don't know", and it isn't "hopping" into anything, to then decide to take that rare and precious gift of having a solid foundation for a relationship, and letting it take its natural course.
Funny thing, Heidi wrote the OP originally 7 weeks ago, after we had begun talking 2 months earlier, and had been seeing each other IRL for awhile. Despite the "dire predictions' from some, it's stronger than ever, and Providence continues to reveal itself in us. | |
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jag62
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Joined: 8/30/2007
Msg: 399 | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 10/6/2007 4:23:25 AM | Mainly, it's to give those emotions time to run their course. Love is something more steady than the rush of passion.
Another immense benefit of waiting is that it helps avoid a pattern of codependency, if one is forming. Take a look at this site for fun:
http://www.mental-health-matters.com/articles/article.php?artID=349
Love works at its own speed, which is not slow, but it's also not fast. Codependency needs to hurry things along, because it is afraid. | |
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