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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 10/6/2007 4:57:34 AM | | Very well put, obellletto! I am one who fell under that "codependency" c ategory for many years, now like one poster said a while back, I'm learning to be "one" and I'm doing a pretty good job of it. Do I want someone in my life? Yes, most definitely, but not due to the "need" to have someone there. Am I in a hurry to have someone? No, there is no void to fill. When I meet the right person, I will have an idea, but I won't know for sure until we both take however much time is needed to really know each other. A lot of how long it takes depends on how often you're together, too. Let's face it, as working adults and, for several, being single parents, that may not be every day in the beginning. Actually, if there are children involved (even grown children), it shouldn't be, so yeah, it may take a while. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 10/6/2007 6:03:11 AM | Heidi, I couldn't agree more- "Taking it slow" is what a person says when: They don't know what they want,
when they are secretly looking for soneone even better, or when they don't want you but cant tell you.
Taking it slow? How about taking it as it comes? It seems redundant to begin a relationship with a repressive ideal.
In the case of mature daters especially- I am amazed at how they restrict themselves, and refuse to let go
of those things that probably brought them to internet dating in the first place. Fear.
Personally, I am as open to connection as the skies above Montana- If I concern myself with MY
motives, then I spend less time trying to determine someone else's.
The point is to live, to love, to feel good now- after all, tomorrow's promised to no one. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 10/6/2007 9:48:45 AM | Melo, your message #397, ... yes, you are welcome with my post. I tried to articulate the best way I know how. I know sometimes it is better no to say too much, because it is like analysis of our behaviour. It does help though to understand it on much deeper level the dynamics of the intimate relationship.
I like what you said:
Her words or actions are symptoms of her feelings, and make me want to do what I can to create a feeling of "safety" for her to share those feelings with "the one" she needs to trust, and also to have her know that we're "connected", regardless of things in the moment.
You are a superior man, by following you in many posts, I can say honestly, you know. Next, you said:
On the other hand, if a relationship is based on "being friends", rather than being "intimately close", neither of us is going to put up with "moods" or "unpleasantness" for long. That's a relationship based on "shared activities" and the "good times".
Basically those different moods of "unpleasantness" are never going to come out in a relationship based on"shared activities" only, because the "true us" cannot come to the open in these kinds of encounters. In those kind of relationships we are there to have fun, but not to be vulnerable. It is "safe" not to show our true selves, because it would make us vulnerable, and this is exactly what the person wants to avoid in those kind of relationships, to avoid vulnerability, to avoid of showing herself/himself in the light. They do this because they fear they are not going to be able to pass this test together.
Is this kind of relationship satisfying? Well, for me, it would be pretensious, not real, boring ah yawn, finally I wold fall into coma. :zzzz:
When those "uncomfortable " feelings do come out in "intimate" relationship, it isn't aboout putting up with the"unpleasantenss" of her mood, those moods are a call for love, they are emotional tests of your capacity to open her (difficult moments). So, yes like you said this is why it is called intimate relationship, which is the whole ocean apart from a relationship based on sharing activities, going to downtown and having rockyroad flavoured ice-cream. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 10/6/2007 10:42:21 AM | "On the other hand, if a relationship is based on "being friends", rather than being "intimately close", neither of us is going to put up with "moods" or "unpleasantness" for long. That's a relationship based on "shared activities" and the "good times". "
Beg to differ. REAL friendship is much more "serious" and "well founded" between the two people than the author of this syllogism assumes/argues/uses as a premise for his overall syllogism.
IMO, friendship is the king/queen of all human to human relationships of all kinds. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 10/6/2007 11:25:17 AM |
Beg to differ. REAL friendship is much more "serious" and "well founded" between the two people than the author of this syllogism assumes/argues/uses as a premise for his overall syllogism.
IMO, friendship is the king/queen of all human to human relationships of all kinds.
My earlier post intended to differentiate between the "friendship" paradigm, upon which so many want to base a relationship, which is premised on beginning as "activity partners" and sharing "good times". In my mind, and experience, that is juxtapositioned with "cherishing" a lover, based on intimacy, that is far more than the word "friendship" implies.
"Friendship first" seems to me to be far more casual and uninvolved, a "trial period" of doing "fun stuff" together, in the belief that it can later grow into "intimacy", but being intimates with each other is relegated to an afterthought. Wheras, the deep closeness of intimacy, that is emotional, and affirmed physically, is total involvement, to the point of creating a sense of a greater "us", where you are truly sharing life, sharing emotions, and burdens. In intimacy, if my partner is facing a crisis in her life, we are sharing it together. If we're merely friends, it's "hers", and I might be "sympathetic", but it's "not my problem".
So, in responding to Mona_Lisa_Smiles posts, there was a point to contrasting friendship and intimacy, to be able to respond. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 10/6/2007 2:50:11 PM | I don't understand the whole "friendship" concept .
If you are single and looking and you have a healthy openess towards finding something as important as a deep and lasting relationship .....how is it good that you meet someone who you feel that you only want to be "friends" with ? I think that says bad things about your physical / personal chemistry , and /or about your attitude.
I am looking for someone I genuinely feel much more for....no doubts ....and right away. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 10/6/2007 3:27:44 PM | Don't take it slow.
Because there is no definition in any of the world's books, in any of the world's rules - when it's not "too soon".
Don't solicit family and friends, who I am sure, are only wishing you well, and hope that you will not get burnt as fast as the fire started.
Listen to yourself and to your partner.
BUT. If you see any red flags, please pay attention to them. Don't talk yourself into "I can manage that, this is so minor". If you see them now, when the flames of your love are reaching the sky, think of how hot the coal will be when the flame settles down.
I wish you all the best. If we don't get a chance in life to be able to dive into the ocean of life, forgetting the oxygen tank and just using the lips of the loved one, - we don't get to live at all.
I know. I have been there. I am very proud of it. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 10/6/2007 5:07:10 PM | I hear people are tossing ideas about friendship versus love. I like what one of the poster said, in this forum, and I will bring it up one more time:
Hadsomenpicky said:
Ladies, I already have friends... I am looking for someone to love and spend the rest of my life with. THEN she becomes my BEST friend because of the romance and love I have shared with her...not because we went to flea markets together.....geeesssshhhh. Any men agree with this?
This model seems to work in my life when it comes to intimate relationship, yes EROS strikes, kiss caution to the wind, and surrender... to me, so maybe I have not matured yet, but I rather trust my instinct, especially that EROS doesn't strike his bow tooooo often, so I trust and surrender to it. Friendship based on "activities", like strolling to downtown and having chocklate, ooyee, goooyee, - ice-cream, just doesn't do it for me. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 10/6/2007 10:42:01 PM | probably because most mature adults were once immature teen agers. our most impressionable and formative years teach us alot of useful information, and alot of nonsensicle drivel.
a scary number of people take the drivel with them into their adult lives and re-name it the wisdom of experience.
i get the feeling that what people are 'not saying' is that it's a comfort thing. if they feel uncomfortable and inhibited, they want ot make sure everyone else should rightly feel the same way. after all, they're just looking out for YOUR feelings, right? | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 11/4/2007 5:29:20 AM |
Any long married couple I have spoken with all say pretty much the same thing. They had no idea where life would take them but they wanted to be with each other for the journey. There was no such thing as "fitting in". They started a whole new life. Being with their partner was their priority. That appears to be what is missing, quite often, today.
Since Heidi posted this originally, back in August, life has "happened" in many ways, bringing many "external" challenges. Through those challenges, the relationship has merely strengthened, and the sense of being "in this together" rather than alone has been affirmed.
Things Heidi and I couldn't know 3 months ago, or 5 months ago, when we first started exploring things, include a resolution to our geographical distance. She was unexpectedly transferred, so that we both would be working in the same City. In fact, the challenge of moving to a new city, 200 miles distant, presented us with an opportunity, that could have been a "difficulty" had it been faced alone. We ended up buying a townhouse/condo together, and are 24/7.
Looking back at this thread, and all the comments that went on both sides of the original question, I am struck by one thought. As mature adults, you "just know", when it's the right relationship. You also "just know", when it's not, and you keep trying to "make it work" despite your gut feel. I am grateful for that wisdom in "taking it slow" with the relationships prior to Heidi and after my divorce (8 years), and for hers in doing the same during the 10 years since her divorce. We both had long term, but incomplete relationships, that, for some reason, didn't "feel right" in terms of moving to 24/7 or marriage. When it was right, though, it didn't take all that long. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 11/4/2007 7:14:31 AM | I don't think that taking it slow lends itself to a deeper relationship. I take it slow giving out my phone number and meeting someone to make sure I don't get any bad or negative gutt feelings. Once I date someone and if I want a third date, I won't date anyone else. I don't like how some people seem to date like taking interviews dating lots of people and deciding who they think is best or always dating others to see if the grass is greener. I date one guy at a time. Of course my last bf said I love you a few times and yet accussed me of moving too fast for him.
Love is love. Totalllly confusing! | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 11/4/2007 11:41:44 AM | The "trick" is in finding that person who meshes with you and moving at the speed you BOTH feel comfortable with.
If it doesn't flow smoothly, for you both, then thats a pretty good sign, it's just not the right mesh. You can't put the pieces of the puzzle together, if they just were not meant to fit.
As much as we would like to be a part of that bigger picture, TWO, we can't make it happen, unless, it was designed to be that way. And only time gives us that answer. For some, it happens instantly, for some they know in two weeks and for some, it takes smaller steps. We are all different and the circumstances are all different and complex. There is NO ONE, CORRECT ANSWER. | |
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C.J.P.
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Joined: 10/22/2007
Msg: 418 | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 11/4/2007 1:59:41 PM | """I "take things slow" not to create a "meaningful" relationship but to avoid complicating a potentially UNmeaningful one. """
Great post CJP. I think most here would agree with you. Heff, I luv sex as much as most people, and if I go for the gusto toooo sooon, I get what I deserve. Most women are more cautious, for reasons of personal safety, their kids security, preserving their self esteem, practicing birth control, and preventing STD's. But once they fall in love with you, watch out fella, here it comes! There is no stopping a woman in love! | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 11/15/2007 2:25:56 AM | Taking things slow helps you determine if there is a huge disparity between what they say and what they do. Its a good strategy for avoiding bullsh!t. Any sociopath can keep it together for a few dates, but the strain of misrepresenting themselves wears on them in the long run.
Besides, if someone decides you might be the one with whom to grow old... what's the rush? A few months is nothing compared to the decades of togetherness that comes from a deeper/more meaningful relationship. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 11/15/2007 3:27:31 AM | | I think taking it slow has great advantages with getting to know someone, as many have stated here. However, I believe both people need to be on the same wavelength with respect to how slow. I agree that love feelings take time to grow and be nurtured. However, sometimes taking it too slow turn the love can lead to someone thinking that the true commitment will never be and move on.....ahhh the lost loves ...... | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 11/15/2007 4:03:45 AM | Yes, like the op, I also have been told by family in the past not to rush if I met someone I liked. And, even though I could see their good intentions, I have always found, despite wisdom, despite common sense, despite the fear I came to believe that rushing into something too fast could spark it too quickly and then it would burn out and die also too quickly.....
despite all the beliefs externally and internally not to rush, my experience has been all relationships move at the pace they are going to, almost regardless of the beliefs of both people. If the energy is there, if the attraction is there, if the level of compatibility and trust is there (trust not to fear), then the speed of relationships seems to fluctuate as they need to....sometimes moving fast, sometimes slowing down to give both people a chance to stop and catch their breath, to reflect and be honest in themselves, and to be - to feel - to assimilate the relationship in themselves and their lives.
The essence for me is to be as utterly honest with myself and my partner as I can be, and to ask the same of them....if either thinks things feel too rushed, then it's important to honor that and ease up, slow down, let it all be.
It's almost as if, despite what we wish, all relationships are going to take their course....and will work for as long as they do until they don't.
Absolute honesty in paying attention to your gut feelings is crucial...and sharing those with your partner.
So, am I taking this present relationship slowly? ummm....no.....and yes...and then no again.....the pace changes as we both need it to.
Basically, no one can tell you what's right for you, but the relationship will.
And, yes, I agree with the op and others here, the more mature we get and self aware, the more we seem to just know if someone is right, or not, for us. And it's practically instantaneous....so taking things slowly is not necessary. Of course, my idea of a successful relationship is it will develop and deepen over time. That's part of the wonderful mystery and joy of getting to know another....and it is always reflective of getting to know ourselves....just like loving another is a reflection and extension of the love we have for ourselves.
I think if we really know ourselves, we can get a pretty good sense of another pretty quickly if that is our intention. Also, it does seem the older we get, the more and more rare it happens that one comes along that really feels right.....so why be cautious? I guess that's the essence. Caution indicates fear. And by now, if I'm fearful of getting close to someone, then it won't work, no matter how fast or slow I go. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 11/15/2007 5:56:35 AM | | Well taking it slow has to do with maturity and expectations. you're a big girl now,what do you want? to sleep with someone ? a few calls over a couple of weeks and dates to get to know them and feel comfortable. If you don't feel comfortable then do not go any further, Anything else that has to do with future and commitment will have to take its time. | |
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