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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 11/17/2007 9:56:47 AM |
Most take it slowly due to a very bad breakup in the past. Being gun shy is not the worst thing in the world but to distrust every new relationship because your last one did not succeed is sad. You may very well miss out on the person you have been waiting for all your life
Good point for anyone who has been through a majior break-up and upheaval.
So does time heal all wounds? Or can time heal all wounds?
The best thing after my D was I went to divorce recovery classes and it was the best thing I could have ever done.
And I actually volunteered afterward and it was quite rewarding experience and helped in the healing process.
And as you have said,to allow yourself to love again,it can be done when you decide and make the choice to let yourself open up and be complete, once more.
I believe to love and be loved one must leave the protection of those barriers one creates and then and only then you free yourself.
Life is too short to deny oneself of love. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 11/17/2007 10:22:21 AM | You really should 'take it slow'...... savor each moment together. Kiss w more passion than the last. Make love slowly there is no reason 'to rush into it'. Life is to short for crying out loud!
I think the two of you are a perfect example of what most of us more mature adults are hoping for. How many of us can truly say we hope to be unsure about a mate therefore the longer it takes the better off we'll be?
Hurry up.... keep loving eachother just like this froever | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 11/17/2007 3:00:38 PM |
Everyone, who has dated, been married, had relationships in the past, has experienced hurt and disappointment. That's not the "fault" of someone new you're just meeting, and if you haven't "gotten over" something in the past,you're just "not ready" for what wonderful things you might find with someone
Very profound statement indeed, to be just a widow shopper here.
these are the ones who want to take it slow because they are still not over of...
say good bye and move on for someone who is emotionally available to start a possible relationship..
That she overcame them, to be who she is today, says a lot of wonderful things about her. But, for us to have come together, she had to be "open" to
what might "be", rather than dwelling on what "was"
Presto!!!!! to be brave and unlock ones heart again to be touched by another,and most of all to touch oneself,in all that is good.
Good Luck to both of you and thanks for sharing yourself s that anything is possible,
and even to love again! | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 11/18/2007 7:00:42 AM | Just looked back at forum today......no sides Melo.....I want to hear from Heidi and know she is happy. I want her to be happy but I just dont like anyone talking for anyone else....sorry if I sound negative. I have seen a lot of men isolate women and start talking for them so when someone talks about another person and I dont hear anything from the other side I want to know...... Same with a man. If I hear a woman talking for her mate, I'll say....come out and tell me your feeling on that......Just say, I am a Libran....I like to hear both sides......
Be happy alway | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 11/18/2007 8:44:31 AM | you can tell its too fast when you begin to feel that you have missed something
the arc of a relationship smooths out to a straight line if you don't exceed your ability to adapt to taking the best path. Choices fly at us and have to be made. Why not adjust speed to keep perspective rather than letting mistakes slowly suck the momentum out of everything. Passion is energy. The more of yourself you can keep engaged and focused , the more likely the flow of inspired response will continue. it isnt just about the speed of initiation, speed is a factor in every step..
too fast you stumble , too slow you stall | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 11/18/2007 12:17:06 PM | heidi62,
First off let me say I can really relate to what you are saying. I’ve found myself asking the same questions. However, in my case I fell in love at a very early age, got married & spent almost all of my adult life in a committed relationship. Unfortunately, as I discovered, people change & not always for the best. My wife became an addict. I did everything I could to help her overcome her demons but in the end she chose to embrace them & I chose to move on.
I never expected to be single again nor did I welcome the fact. So I took some time to prepare for it. I sought counseling & tackled some personal issues in an effort to get to know myself better & prepare for being single again. When I felt I was ready I began dating.
Since I've started dating I have learned a lot about myself. For example I learned that at 1st I was so desperate for companionship (the kind of companionship I knew early on in my marriage) I was willing to do just abut anything to find it. To the point of trying to be all things to the people that I dated instead of myself. My need also often blinded me & caused me to ignore any red flags that the other person might present. As a result, I later discovered that 2 of the first few ladies that I dated & was very attracted to had serious addictions. Fortunately for me things didn’t work out between us but the fact is I allowed myself to be led by my emotional needs & ignored everything else taught me a very valuable lesson. In other words … I needed to slow down.
In my case my friends & family didn’t have to point it out. I came to realize it myself. My point is simply this. Anytime you have had a successful relationship in the past & long for another one you risk allowing yourself to be led by your needs vs. reality. You see what you want to see. You hear what you want to hear. I think your friends realize this & simply have you best interest in mind. If you feel as though you are recognizing this person as the person they really are & not the person you want them to be, then by all mean continue to pursue the relationship. Only do so with your eyes wide open as well as your heart.
Good Luck,
Gary | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 11/18/2007 12:46:29 PM | I have a feeling most of us think it is best to take things slow. It sounds right, seems logical. Seems like a way to get to know the person 'better' and to possibly avoid getting hurt. Problem is we will get to know the person better eventually whether we go fast or slow--if we spend enough time with that person and hurt is inevitable if the relationship fails. As we all know most relationships fail.
In the end I don't think any of us have much control at all over how fast or slow things go. I think it is dependent mostly on the combination of traits between the two people. Some people are naturally more cautious, careful and therefore move slowly. Other people are not. Two cautious people together and things will move very slowly. Two passionate people together and things will move quickly. A combination and it will be somewhere in between.
I know in my present relationship we both thought we would take things slow. We are older and therefore, we thought, wiser. However we are both very open, highly passionate people persons. The relationship quickly took on a life of its own and we were both swept away by it. No matter how hard we tried to slow things down, it kept moving forward! And finally we both realized it had moved so fast also because everything was so RIGHT with the relationship. We could practically hear the 'clicks' as things were falling into place. No control over how fast or slow the relationship progressed at all. It just happened. And what a ride it has been... | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 11/18/2007 5:01:52 PM | LiveLaughLove53 (MSG 459),
You Wrote:
In the end I don't think any of us have much control at all over how fast or slow things go. I think it is dependent mostly on the combination of traits between the 2 people. Some people are naturally more cautious, careful & therefore move slowly. Other people are not. 2 cautious people together & things move very slowly. 2 passionate people together & things move quickly. A combination & it will be somewhere in between.
My Thoughts:
I’m not sure I agree with your statement “I don’t think any of us have much control at all over how fast or slow things go”. I think it all depends on why things are moving at the pace they are. If you read my message above (Msg #458) I explained that since I was a real novice at dating, I had to learn the hard way … by trial & error. My initial efforts were motivated by desperation & resulted in my moving much too quickly. I see that now but back at that time in my life it seemed like I was doing the right thing. But I learned from it & hopefully I will continue to learn things as I meet & date new people.
You Wrote:
I know in my present relationship we both thought we would take things slow. We are older & therefore, we thought, wiser. However we are both very open, highly passionate people . The relationship quickly took on a life of its own & we were both swept away by it. No matter how hard we tried to slow things down, it kept moving forward! Finally we both realized it had moved so fast also because everything was so RIGHT with the relationship. We could practically hear the 'clicks' as things were falling into place. No control over how fast or slow the relationship progressed at all. It just happened. And what a ride it has been...
My Thoughts:
I think your description of your current situation is (in part) what we are all looking for. As long as the 2 of you are honest, open & aware of what is happening; then I think what you are experiencing is wonderful. However, like I recalled in my earlier message … we can sometimes find ourselves motivated by the wrong things (i.e. desperation) & as a result make mistakes & bad decisions along the way. Of course that isn’t all bad either … like I said, I have been learning by trial & error & I assure you that there has been no shortage of errors on my part.
I wish you & your friend the very best. I hope the 2 of you have a long, loving relationship.
Good Luck,
Gary | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 11/19/2007 2:45:33 PM |
(Msg 459) I know in my present relationship we both thought we would take things slow. We are older and therefore, we thought, wiser. However we are both very open, highly passionate people persons. The relationship quickly took on a life of its own and we were both swept away by it. No matter how hard we tried to slow things down, it kept moving forward! And finally we both realized it had moved so fast also because everything was so RIGHT with the relationship. We could practically hear the 'clicks' as things were falling into place. No control over how fast or slow the relationship progressed at all. It just happened. And what a ride it has been...
I love hearing stories like that! I think one of the worst things one can do is deliberately slow down a relationship. That “honeymoon” feeling at the beginning is there for a reason. It gives two people the opportunity to adapt. We’re all different and that “I want you!” feeling overrides little differences. In other words one is more open to discover the other person.
There are one or two other regulars here, besides myself, who preceded the same way. As adults we know what life is about. I believe most people are able to recognize a good “deal” and going slow is not so much a sign they don’t recognize the “deal” as it is they aren’t interested in the “deal” being offered.
Best wishes to you and yours! | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 11/19/2007 3:55:23 PM | ^^^^Thanks dave1234...you wrote -
'There are one or two other regulars here, besides myself, who preceded the same way. As adults we know what life is about. I believe most people are able to recognize a good “deal” and going slow is not so much a sign they don’t recognize the “deal” as it is they aren’t interested in the “deal” being offered.'
You put this so well and it's wonderfully reassuring as I also have found a most amazing connection with one special man here and we are seeing things unfold quite incredibly and quickly. With awareness and moments of deep reflection for me to make sure it's not too fast for me internally, I keep opening to new levels and saying yes - I am ready to continue to explore just how special this connection is and welcome all that is unfolding.....as he is also doing.
I feel really blessed and blissed :) and, like you, so appreciate hearing about the love many are finding here....seems these forums are quite an incredible body of water where many are able to share much, and become more aware of both the wonder and not so wonderful aspects of all our lives...swimming maybe not so much in the dark anymore. | |
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-GQ4U
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Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 463 | |
| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 11/19/2007 4:03:43 PM | | Im talking it slow with a girl right now (her choice), Its hell and I don't know what im still doing here. She potentially could be my next wife, never been so sure about a girl, but at the same time were taking it so slow that I this relationship doesn't even seem real. I mean we talk every day, we go out but thats where it ends and thats not how it should be. I should end it but I think im so close to something great. Two thoughts going through my head the first is that yeah I deserve way better, ive had way better so i should just end it and find someone new. The second though is that this girl is almost perfect in every single way and I really dont think theres much better then her out there and that I i don't want to throw everything away after coming so far with this girl. Too much drama, too little time, lets see what happens. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 11/19/2007 5:46:24 PM | Im talking it slow with a girl right now (her choice), Its hell and I don't know what im still doing here. She potentially could be my next wife, never been so sure about a girl, but at the same time were taking it so slow that I this relationship doesn't even seem real. I mean we talk every day, we go out but thats where it ends and thats not how it should be. I should end it but I think im so close to something great. Two thoughts going through my head the first is that yeah I deserve way better, ive had way better so i should just end it and find someone new. The second though is that this girl is almost perfect in every single way and I really dont think theres much better then her out there and that I i don't want to throw everything away after coming so far with this girl. Too much drama, too little time, lets see what happens.
Vagabond, I'm not saying that this is what is happening with you, but from my own experience, I can say that there is nothing as intense as the angst of someone who is tantalizing "close", but "just out of reach". Viewing her as "perfect", and no one else could ever be so good, can start to play havoc with self-identity, to the point that it feels that your identity depends on her just taking one more step closer. So, you try really hard to "earn", what has to come from her naturally, and can never be earned.
If that's where you are, you are right, you would be better off leaving, but if you're in that place, that can be the hardest place in the world to be. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 11/19/2007 9:06:10 PM | Vagabond - tough situation - and I really liked Melo's response.
For me, I vowed I would take things slow, because I'd been hurt and was scared to trust again. It is a natural heart guard against disappointment.
However, one 's feelings do not run parallel to that idiom. It is the whole journey between the heart and the head - like being in heaven and having that little voice goinmg are you nuts!!
When it feels so right and it clicks on all levels any mind thought strategy just flies out the window. It certainly helps if the two people are on the same track.
Have you asked her why she is so reticent about moving forward?
Zee | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 11/20/2007 7:33:18 PM |
For me, I vowed I would take things slow, because I'd been hurt and was scared to trust again. It is a natural heart guard against disappointment.
However, one 's feelings do not run parallel to that idiom. It is the whole journey between the heart and the head - like being in heaven and having that little voice goinmg are you nuts!!
When it feels so right and it clicks on all levels any mind thought strategy just flies out the window. It certainly helps if the two people are on the same track.
zeesuezee, your post hit home, as representative of the mixed feelings that many have, and your response is one of an emotionally healthy adult.
It never ceases to amaze me, that some people post about "what's wrong with the opposite sex", as if they are the only ones who have been hurt in love. Truth is, almost everyone, who ends up on a dating site, is here, because their last relationship failed, and a failed relationship almost always involves some level of hurt.
My last serious relationship involved many of the worst types of deception and betrayal, and I was hurting for awhile. Boo*hoo, so sad. So, I didn't date for awhile, recognizing my own state of feeling, and that I was the only one who could heal me. Then, as I was ready, I was open to finding the right one, recognizing that whatever things happened in past relationships, has nothing to do with someone new I'm just meeting.
The annoyance comes from those who say they're looking, but are dysfunctional, expecting someone to "disprove" their assumptions about men or women, or even worse, expecting someone to be able to "fix" their feelings. Those are the ones who present a paradigm that makes no sense, in saying "keep your distance, a little closer". There seem to be a lot of people, who say that they're ready to date, but aren't, and never will be, until they own their own feelings.
I don't want to "expose" Heidi's private life, but she has had to deal with things that most people never have to face. Part of what makes her so extraoridinary, is how much she overcame, how much she grew despite them, and how emotionally healthy she was, when we met. I can only say, if you knew her story, it would be hard not to admire and respect her.
Each of us has to discover our own comfort level with intimacy, and the pace at which it's explored. However, for mature adults, who are secure in their own identities, they don't fall in love with illusions, but when love comes, they are truly open to it, and respond appropriately. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 11/21/2007 5:07:33 AM | I took an 8 year "hiatus" from dating before I met my last boyfriend. The reason for that hiatus was that my previous boyfriend and I had jumped into a romantic relationship soon upon reconnecting. The friendship that we had shared about 12 years previously had been so comfortable and so close that being a couple seemed a good idea.
After only a few months of dating I realized that he was way too clingy for me. Here I was the person who used to be the clingy, dependent, demanding one - inprevious relationships, and now the "shoe was on the other foot." Sure we had a lot of fun together, but the bottom line was I got oh so tired of being the one to make decisions most of the time, and also of his wanting to be with me 24/7. I was far more experienced in relationships, and had more of an understanding of a person's need for alone time than he did.
After four years of dating the relationship came to its inevitable close. Though his clinginess and indecisiveness contributed to the end, they weren't the only reason. I admit right up front that I contributed to the end just as much as he did. He would have been content to have our relationship continue limping along, and was quite shocked when I told him we were done.
When I met my last boyfriend, and became aware that he was just as interested in me as I was in him, I told him that I wanted to get to know him as a friend first. We hung out for nearly a year, never spending time alone in each others homes, but going out for lunch, taking his dog for a walk, etc. - just getting to know each other on a platonic level. It wasn't until after he had a major health scare that we decided to take things further. This relationship, though it definitely had its good points, ended because I wanted commitment while he wanted to "keep his options open." No he didn't want to date a slew of other women, he wanted more freedom so he could regain his alone time. Sounds familiar doesn't it?!
Next time, when it comes, I will definitely take it slow. I've had some great dates with men I've met on here, and even dated one for a few months. Not giving up yet, but not willing to settle either.
 <img src=http://www.plentyoffish.com/smiles/icon_201.gif border=0> | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 11/21/2007 5:52:31 AM | Hi dave1234,
I just read through the posts above mine on this page. You raise a good point when you say (not a quote) that when people in our age bracket take it slow they are just not that interested in the deal that is being offered. I am not keen on jumping into a relationship only to watch it die a quick and painful death because the passion fizzled out before we really got to know one another. At the same time I do understand what you are saying re the lack of interest in the deal that is offered.
You have given me something to think about.
Thanks.   | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 11/21/2007 6:53:17 AM | (Msg 470) I am not keen on jumping into a relationship only to watch it die a quick and painful death because the passion fizzled out before we really got to know one another.
Hi Cuddlybuddy. In my case those situations seldom arose. Just spending a few minutes talking with someone resulted in greatly narrowing the field. I imagine it worked similar for the other person, as well. The point being I don't think two people connect all that often as they get older so when it does happen it's worth while to jump at the chance.
It's so easy to not bother. It's so easy to look for differences. I feel if the passion is there one shouldn't try to deliberately impede it precisely because it is so rare.
It's possible things won't work out but the chance they will and the resulting joy definately makes it worth taking the chance, IMO. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 11/21/2007 7:56:25 AM | | Why would anyone want to jump into a full blown relationship without getting to know the person abit?could be lust/ heat of the moment thing that wears off after a few weeks when you start getting annoyed by the everyday habits or whatnot or incompatibility of each other...just know I wouldn't take myself off the singles list unless I knew he was someone I felt was worth investing time and emotions in and that we had enough in common | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 11/22/2007 7:05:14 AM | ah "taking it slow"....i try to grasp this concept, it's hard. if you have feelings for someone it is hard to hold back. after two months of dating my ex-husband we were engaged, and married exactly one year after our first date. i thought i was madly in-love with him, i'm kinda thinking i wasn't. i don't want to make that mistake again. i want to make sure that next time there are no conditions to his love and he will be loving, supportive and a team player in our relationship/marriage. i must say, i have "seen" a lot of men over the past year, and i have not met one that makes me feel all "mushy" like the one i have recently met. it's scary, i'm scared of falling for him too quickly! all the other guys i have met, i could care less if i ever talk to him again, now i can't wait to hear his voice and receive an email or text msg from him. i never thought i had this in me, that mushy stuff. i'm glad to have found something inside me that i have never discoverd before.
i guess my response for you is that if you and him are mutually feeling that way, go for it. i'm sure it is a great feeling! | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 11/22/2007 9:43:37 AM | Personally I use "take it slow" to weed out the ones who just want an "intimate encounter" and won't admit it on their profile.
It doesn't necessarily mean that when our eyes lock and lips meet I'm gonna say "WHOA!!!", that's just something that depends on both people and what they're ready for and feel when they meet.
Would I hope for the passion that devours you and takes your breath away? Oh yes! However I want the fire to stay fueled and burn baby burn to warm us thru the years.
Of course, I'm a romantic, maybe tha's not how everyone feels.
I'm looking for a long term relationship and I truly believe I'll know the person when I look upon him.
"take it slow" = lets talk on here, talk on phone, actually converse beyond the profile.
In my experiences the ones that push to meet you in the 1st IM or email don't really want to know or understand how you think or what you feel.
This is my opinion and therefore more valuable to me than others. hehe  | |
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