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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/20/2007 11:09:32 PM | I don’t think that taking things slow makes for a deeper, more meaningful relationship. However, one shouldn’t dart blindly in to the fray (or fart blindly into the dray  ). How long it takes for a couple to get to know one another is proportional to how much time they spend together. If you’re only going out to dinner once a week, it’s going to take a hell of a lot longer than if you’re spending every waking moment with one another. Spending time together is the only way to learn of each other’s skeletons, idiosyncrasies, habits, character, etc. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/21/2007 12:14:33 AM | The answer to your question is that if the only thing you have in common is sexual chemistry and physical attraction, the "relationship" is not even going to take off the ground, and if it does, it will crash and burn very quickly.
I do believe that even men know that there is more to a real relationship than just sex. The men will have sex with whoever offers it, assuming that they don't find the woman repulsive; however, for the men who are actually seeking someone for a long-term relationship, or even something more serious than that, that is NOT the type of woman whom they want for the long haul.
Remember, your granny was right when she said: "There are the good girls and the bad girls, and the boys know the difference. The bad girls they use; the good girls they marry." To that I add: "be a good girl with bad girl behavior in private -- at the appropriate time." :) | |
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| Screwing around. Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful
Posted: 8/21/2007 12:33:52 AM | I personally think there's a lot of 'gotta have it now' going on. Some say what's the rush? Others say why wait?
If two people are meant to be together, then taking time, developing a close friendship in addition to the romantic aspect is necessary IMHO. I've read a lot here and have known people in my life that just jump in and go all hot and heavy, get intense feelings for each other really quickly then whammo... end up here wondering what happened?
I've found that sometimes that too much too soon with the rollercoaster of emotions and intensity can cause people to suddenly wake up one day realizing they've been bitten by the 'fear' bug. A lot of people can't handle being that intense and emotional that soon and if they have been and rode that wave for awhile, suddenly they get scared because OMG... they feel like they've lost control. That's when they get cool, back off, don't answer calls or emails and some just poof forever.
If it's worth it, it's worth investing the time to really try and get to know each other at a natural pace. Sure, be excited! Enjoy the ride! But just keep one foot in reality and proceed not only with your heart but with your mind. Don't let logic and reason fly out the door to be replaced with only emotions. There needs to be a good balance :-) | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/21/2007 12:51:56 AM |
I keep hearing and reading about this "take it slow" theory on relationships. While I think it is most appropriate and necessary for the young (under 25) to follow this idea I find it really has little bearing on the relationship between mature adults.
The speed of a relationship is irrelevant. What is important, me thinks, is that the two parties involved are honest and genuine with one another. Then they'll reach their destination much happier. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/21/2007 1:16:20 AM | I am all for the "taking it slow" route in a new relationship, particularly when there are children involved. I see you have 2 children still at home according to your profile.
The reason I see such an advantage in it has nothing to do with "having baggage" or being unrecovered from previous wounds. It has to do with the knowledge that there are 100's of 1000's of people that are sociopathic/psychopathic to the degree that they can destroy your life. And they don't walk up to you and say, "Hello... I'm Sam and I am a psychopath." They are the world's most charming manipulators and very, VERY skilled at romance. They will walk with you, talk with you and romance you right off of your feet. In no time at all, they will have your complete trust. In due course, they will flow into your life so hugely that there will be room for no one but them. And when they know that they have you, then and only then, will you get to see who they truly are. These people are two people in one body and they will craft themselves to be whatever a woman wants them to be.. at first.
I don't know the figures for the U.S. but here in Canada, we have over 300,000 identified psychopaths. Men comprise about 75% of them so there are female psychopaths as well. They are in EVERY profession and every walk of life.
I am not suggesting that either one of you are psychopaths but if you are aware that these people are walking the earth, you are much more prone to taking a lot of time to learning about them, learning about their pasts, being triggered if you hear about bankruptcies, run-ins with the law or even blaming that they do with all of their previous partners. They lack empathy for anyone else and you can see it if you know what the signs of malignant narcissism/psychopathos are. One of the first warnings, is that they tend to "rush" the people into a committed, entangled relationship simply to reduce the chances of him or her finding out about them.
Secondly, where you have children, you have a basic unit. The insertion of a new person into that unit needs to be done with care and sensitivity. The chief reason 2nd marriages fail is because of problems surrounding the children's acceptance of the step-parent and vice versa...
If there is no reason to rush, why do so?
Good luck to both of you... | |
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Trails
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Joined: 1/18/2007
Msg: 33 | |
| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/21/2007 3:21:23 AM | Hmm .. recently I met a guy who thought the stars joined together when I walked in the room..( not kidding)
It seemed he had been lonely for a long time.. I continued dating him but did keep telling him to slow down. His " needyness" eventually wore me down. If I didn't call him within minutes of coming home from work he would have this weird attitude once I did call him. He was a nice guy but eventually I realized that I didn't feel the same for him as he did for me. I really did try to keep an open mind, but in the end I just could not settle and the more he pushed the more turned off I became.
I think when someone asks to 'take it slow" then the spark is just not there..
Just my opinion..  | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/21/2007 3:25:01 AM | I am a firm believer in just moving straight ahead. I don't slow things down either... I also know exactly what I want and what I'm looking for. When I see it, well what am I waiting for? I just go for it. I make a point to make sure all of the foundations are still there even if it does move very fast... the relationship must have more than just sex and attraction. We talk a lot, are very open, you can learn a lot about a person if you just have heart to heart communications.
If you’re only going out to dinner once a week, it’s going to take a hell of a lot longer than if you’re spending every waking moment with one another. Spending time together is the only way to learn of each other’s skeletons, idiosyncrasies, habits, character, etc.
I agree. I spent 5 amazing days with a guy last week at a convention. Met him at around 10am on Wednesday, by 2pm we were hanging out together every minute and by Sunday I was completely hooked. Now that we're both home we will work on incorporating each other into our actual lives. While we were together those 5 days we talked a lot about what was important to us, what our lives were like and what we were looking for. We already know we have a lot in common and that the chemistry is there... I think the rest is just making it work from a more logistical point.
If two people are meant to be together, then taking time, developing a close friendship in addition to the romantic aspect is necessary IMHO I'll have to disagree with that statement. I met my ex (who I was with for a little over 7 years) and we hit off instantly and spent every waking moment together from that day on. He and I are still friends 3 years after we split up as well. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/21/2007 3:47:25 AM | People are motivated, primarily, by fear or hope. With most people, there is a mixture, but one or the other is dominant. Positive people, motivated by hope, ask the question "What if this is the love of a lifetime?", if it feels like it is or might be, and act in response to that, unless events prove otherwise. Negative people, motivated by fear, ask the question "What defects is this person hiding from me?", and act accordingly, until a lot of time has passed, because it's impossible to "prove" a negative.
In reading the posts to the OP, I read a lot of "negative" comments, based on fear, suggesting that it "makes sense" to "take it slow". Essentially, the "reason" to take it slow is because of what might go wrong, and it everything from the man being a "psychopath" to a player was suggested. That, and the ubiquitous demand that you should "get to know the person over time", as if a stilted dating paradigm, with lots of walls, will bring greater knowledge, than freely and openly exposing yourselves to each other all night and all day and all night again, when it's possible for you to be together.
There were those who were positive, although few in number, from those who still order their lives based on hope. When you posted this question, I "expected" a bit of both. I am amazed at the lopsided division, though, with the negative posts greatly outnumbering the positive ones. It makes me sad to realize how many people have so many barriers to hope in their lives.
OP, you're 44, and seem to have done a good job living your life, despite the setbacks, to this point. My suggestion is that you follow your "gut feel". The "reason" not to put artificial barriers in the way of your heart, is that the kind of overwhelming love you're talking about can only exist, when both people embrace it, and are rushing towards each other. If you break that momentum, by putting up artificial barriers, you turn your thoughts, and his, inward, towards self-consciousness and doubt. While the "real thing" can survive challenges, adding artificial barriers in the early stages, for no "reason" other than fear, limits love and its potential. The difference between a love of your life, and just an ordinary dating relationship, is that it is undeniable, overwhelming, and life changing. Why would people want to turn away from that? So as to continue to live life in solitude? | |
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Nen
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Joined: 3/29/2007
Msg: 38 | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/21/2007 4:30:31 AM |
Because we've seen what happens when you take things too fast and don't get to know each other well enough? I don't know that taking things slowly lends itself to a deeper, more meaningful relationship if it's not going to be one anyway. But by taking it slow, you can at least weed out the relationships that are NOT worth staying in. beachchick understands human behaviour. OP, not all people screw it up when they rush into a relationship, and not all people screw it up when they "take it slow". The keys are your attitude.
The main issue is that some people are over-cautious, but most are impulsive. The impulsive people tend to rush in too quickly, and get played or abused, so they are better off taking it slowly, and the over-cautious don't rush in quickly enough, and need to rush in, before the opportunity fades.
We know how fast we should move. Sometimes fear makes us move too slowly, and screws it up. But most of us rush it too quickly, and blow it.
The acid test I find is: If the relationship did not work out, and you rushed it, would you regret not taking it slower? Then take it slower. If you took it slow, and it did not work out, would you regret not moving quicker? Then move quicker.
Decide how fast you need to move that if it did not work out, you would NATURALLY have no regrets. That is how fast is good for you.
Just my $0.02 | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/21/2007 4:53:13 AM |
In reading the posts to the OP, I read a lot of "negative" comments, based on fear, suggesting that it "makes sense" to "take it slow". Essentially, the "reason" to take it slow is because of what might go wrong, and it everything from the man being a "psychopath" to a player was suggested. That, and the ubiquitous demand that you should "get to know the person over time", as if a stilted dating paradigm, with lots of walls, will bring greater knowledge, than freely and openly exposing yourselves to each other all night and all day and all night again, when it's possible for you to be together.
There were those who were positive, although few in number, from those who still order their lives based on hope. When you posted this question, I "expected" a bit of both. I am amazed at the lopsided division, though, with the negative posts greatly outnumbering the positive ones. It makes me sad to realize how many people have so many barriers to hope in their lives.
MeloFelo... The difference between negative and realistic is that in negativity one feels no hope while a realist feels a great deal of hope but knows also that there are many, many disordered people walking around in this world. Time and experience between two lovers DOES bring greater knowledge of one another. I do not agree that I have "barriers to hope" in my life because I just happen to know that one of the warning signs in meeting a sociopath IS being rushed into commitments and entanglements so that the unsuspecting person has a helluva time extracting themselves from the situation. If I were without hope, I would not be on POF and I certainly wouldn't have lived most of my life loving others, having faith in them and being willing to face the realities of a world that is often not the utopia many of us would have it be. I am anything BUT negative.. but I am realistic and I make no apologies for that. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/21/2007 5:10:18 AM | I truly wish to hear why mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship. I was not telling those who believe in the take it slow theory that they are wrong in any way. It certainly is a personal choice and I respect that.
I am just questioning the end results if taken slowly or if surrendering to love without hesitation from the moment it is shared.
There is no "right" answer but their are personal expereinces from which we determine our path in relationships.
I have read a tremendous amount of posts recently and if I am reading them correctly it seems that if a relationship is not taken slowly many think it means the relationship is doomed or without merit. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/21/2007 5:21:26 AM | Taking it slow, to me, means simply not being in a desperate rush to get married or to let the words "I love you" fall off your lips before their time. To have the level of trust in another person whereby I am without a doubt sure that my best interests are as important to them as they are to me (and vice-versa), requires time.
Like mining or deep sea diving, it takes time and a certain amount of caution to reach deeper levels and return to the surface to avoid potentially regrettable catastrophic results.
The well-being of my heart, mind and spirit are at stake---high stakes indeed, and not things I care to have shattered by reckless abandon. When one becomes a "mature" ( I assume that to mean older) adult, we may simply have a better appreciation for the fact that life is precious and getting too short to be frivolous with. The Dutch, I believe, have a saying--We are too soon old, and too late smart.
To each their own of course, and best wishes to all in the pond. Smiles. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/21/2007 5:30:51 AM | I have read a lot of the responses here and I wanted to play devils advocate, just a bit.
I think "taking it slow" is relative. I don't believe that adults should go as slowly as a young 20 something couple. After you've had a few long term relationships under your belt and have raised kids and been seasoned in life, I don't think we need to be as cautious.
When you're young, you don't know who you are, so taking it slow helps both parties to figure out themselves as well as how they blend as a couple.
I think there is no doubt as an older person, we know ourselves a bit more. We know what makes out hearts bust with love and what will drive us to distraction. So, I guess it can move as quickly as the "I'll show you mine and you show me yours" is done. Expose our strengths, share our weaknesses and allow the other party to decide if they like what they see. If both parties feel the same way, then I think the "taking it slow" part comes from doing their homework.
Live together - do the mundane things of life. It's not all about sex. Do you share similar political views, cleanliness habits, social skills, activity levels, humors, hobbies and spending habits...
So taking it slow is not 5mph, but I don't think 90 is safe either... Somewhere around 65 sounds good to me.
Enjoy it regardless... you only live once and happiness is so hard to find, so never miss an opportunity to be in love. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/21/2007 5:31:33 AM | part time angel - In reference to your sad attempt at condescension as directed toward me. You know, I had about 6 beer under my belt when I wrote that piece. I reread it, and it occurs to me that I was still making alot more sense than you are sober. So here, let me clue you in. For your information
I was being paradoxically irreverent - its a form of politically incorrect humor - you know what humor is.....right? You know, its like what j5rush wrote in one of his posts prior to mine which I so tragically IGNORED as you put it. Oh wait a minute, you failed to get that form of humour as well. How come Im not surprised. Anyway, I digress. What I was deliberately expressing this irreverent disdain for was NOT their current existential stage of personal development but was more obviously directed toward the feelings of fear and self pity some people wallow in which prevents them learning from their experience and moving forward. To lend support to the victim stance would be to enable it. Get it? No? Not Yet? Groaaaaaaaan!!! Ok, let me refer you to the sentence in which I expressed my high regard for the Op having been "enlightened by past relationship rather than being jaded by it as many are. " Are you with me yet? No? Siiiiiiiiiiiiigh!!!! Here I was providing the reader with some context within which people may be able to delineate my meaning. Obviously, you didnt. Sorry to disappoint you. (oh, by the way, in reference to that last remark, I was being ironically sarcastic, just so you know). You'll also note that my comments are directed specifically to a self assured woman with a high level of emotional and psychological maturity when I was remarking on the Op being "a rare breed", which I go on to point out that "Others are not yet at this place in their lives, and therefore cannot comprehend the validity of the idea of throwing caution to the wind when everything feels right. This is only because, they themselves do not yet feel fully whole, and therefore do not fully trust themselves to be able to make the right decision. " This can only be construed as a SLAM by the reader who allows themselves to be jaded by past experience rather than enlightened by it. For others, it is simply recognized as a statement of fact regarding where they may be at at a given point in their personal evolution.
In any case, next time you decide to come at me with your self righteous bull, I suggest that, in order to save yourself from consequent humiliation, you address your concerns at me in the form of a question rather than drawing simplistic conclusions based on a rather shallowly comprehended reading and judgemental interpretation of what I write.
Have a happy day :) | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/21/2007 5:39:37 AM | which ones are the "mature adults"??
There are no guarantees or magic formula or step by step instructions for having a
deep meaningful relationship ( heck I bet you'd get various answers about what
the definition of that phrase is) And naturally what works for some , won't work for others.
There are probably people who that if you viewed their relationship, you'd say it wasn't deep or meaningful enough for you.
I think that " taking it slowly" just gives both people more time to find out who the other person really is ( and even with that people can change due to internal or external forces, and oh yeah, some people aren't honest, or even nice for that matter, just watch the news)
I've met people that almost from the start it was like we'd been friends forever, and also, I've known people for a decade or so that it turns out I really didn't know at all..........*L* life and people can be quirky that way.
Good luck with your guy.. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/21/2007 5:43:14 AM | I know a couple who met at some function, fell in love that night and applied for the marriage license the very next morning. They were married in front of a JoP three days later.
They just celebrated their 53rd anniversary, and still act like they're on their honeymoon.
My opinion? If you're comfortable in your own skin, you're not looking to fall in love just for the sake of falling in love, don't have major 'issues' (ie; a mind-set that leads you into bad or abusive relationships, etc), then "taking your time" is a matter of personal choice. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/21/2007 5:45:34 AM | | The implication of the statement: "Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?" is that it is better to go fast or it makes no difference if you go slow. What is the basis or fact for such a broad statement, or is it simply a groundless opinion? How can such a blanket statement be made without knowing each individual situation or the people involved? There is certainly no guarantee that NOT going slow leads itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship. It's only that the adults are mature that they would take such a relationship slow. And how slow is slow? Compared to what? Intelligent people who care enough to see their relationship last will take whatever time needed to build it properly and solidly. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/21/2007 5:47:20 AM | common sense is a rather misunderstood term.
it is not used in logical thinking.
some common beliefs were that women were witches and aught to be burnt at the stake.
common sense did not support civil rights, woman's movement, or homosexual culture.
A definition attributed to Albert Einstein states: "Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen."
about "taking it slow", everyone has their own idea of what that is.
generally i think people are curious and some in more of a hurry then others.
what motivates you? | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/21/2007 5:51:15 AM |
The difference between negative and realistic is that in negativity one feels no hope while a realist feels a great deal of hope but knows also that there are many, many disordered people walking around in this world. Time and experience between two lovers DOES bring greater knowledge of one another.
In saying that some people are primarily responding to fear, I'm not pointing at any one person in particular. Those familiar with Mazlow's hierarchy of needs, will recognize that few of us get into relationships to meet survival needs. Where a lot of people get "stuck" is on the "safety and security" level, and if that need is perceived as the highest unmet need, then all the focus is on "protecting oneself". Being stuck there, can lead to a lot of dysfunction and illusion, unconsciously seeking out codepedent relationships, because one feels "needed", that bring in the very things we fear. What I admire about the OP is her self-awareness, her breaking free of being "stuck" on the safety and security level, so that she's open to the higher level, love.
To me, it seems a retreat, a regression, for two emotionally healthy people, to focus back on "needs" that they have addressed within themselves, by adding unnecessarry barriers. I don't think the OP is talking about two people getting drunk, meeting in Vegas, and marrying that night. I do think she's talking about a healthy movement towards "having it all", while also doing it in a reasonable progression.
Love and relationships are never totally "rational", and it's always easy to validate fear. We already had one post on here mentioning the BTK killer. Good Lord! Yeah, bad things happen to good people, but everyone who drives has a greater risk in that, in a physical sense, than the "risk" of dating.
I can't think of a reason to believe that taking it slow sets up for a better relationship, and a lot of reasons why, when it's the real deal, it can limit the possibilities. As many like to say, my 2 cents worth. | |
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