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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/21/2007 6:15:12 AM | | It's because any two people who are sexually attracted can have a blast when they first get together. Yeah, life is great, you're the best. And so on. Then sometimes you wake up and the infatuation has run its course and there is nothing else to keep you together. That is a problem if you have already got married or pregnant or made a down payment together on the pop-up camper trailer of your dreams. After watching enough relationships start and end with a bang, witnesses adopt a wait-and-see attitude, one that seems reasonable unless it is your brain jacked up on sexual bliss, and then it sounds like grumpy people who have forgotten what love was. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/21/2007 8:32:03 AM | Manspirit;
In your blast at me you said:
[In reference to your sad attempt at condescension as directed toward me.]
My deepest apologies...in NO WAY was I attempting to be condescending. Nor was I aiming at trying to humiliate you. I refuse to get into a mud-slinging debate with you or anyone else. My comments were not vicious or detrimental, they were simply stated "opinions", which I believed to be the backbone of these forums. I was not attacking you.
In fact I believe all I asked OF you was not to make such all encompassing derisive statements about people who make the decision to take it slow. Your comments in your reply indicate I hit some sort of sore spot with you, and if so, again, I deeply apologize, that was never my intent.
Now if you are done trying to "humiliate" me, I will bow out of this thread.
Also, if I have offended anyone else - my apologies to you as well! 
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/21/2007 5:42:49 PM |
obviously directed toward the feelings of fear and self pity some people wallow in which prevents them learning from their experience and moving forward. To lend support to the victim stance would be to enable it.
Some people do that, but beyond that, some people value "safety and security" more highly than others. You can see it in career selections that people make in their 20s and follow forever after. For some, "security" rates more highly than upside potential, and the reverse is true.
It's not that some people, by nature, are more cautious than others that creates the confusion, but the dogmatic way that some people, like the ones Manspirit described above, insist that living life cowering in fear, is the "only right" way to live life. "Surely, you wouldn't expect me to tell you my REAL name before the 20th date? You could look me up on the internet, and you might be the BTK killer", etc. We all know the type. The ones who will ONLY date in public places, and will park 4 blocks away, so that their license plates can't be tracked, and who want to know how close the nearest policeman is, before they'll be able to relax and order a latte to share with a man at Starbucks, and all the while insist that a man should "value and cherish" them, or that they are "getting to know the real person" in those convoluted, restrictive sorts of dating encounters.
As I've said earlier in this thread, a mutual recognition that "this" is the "real thing" is a rare and precious thing. To run away from it, limit it, or stifle it by artificially imposing some external notion about "caution" would be to throw away a gift from God, IMO. That's what the OP is talking about. Is having that grand passion and great love "worth" the "risk" of throwing caution to the wind, or would she be "better off" limiting her relationships to those that conform to notions of "safety" and "control"? From her post, it also seems, that she's chosen the path of hope, and her question is to spark the same question in others, that she had to confront in herself. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/21/2007 5:59:46 PM | | It doesn't make sense, only to those who have watched or read too many romance stories, but one reason is some adults are more skeptical of true love and want to know what they are getting involved into. If you net the right person on the "internet" and you already have feelings for him thats incredible, really incredible. I personally think your looking for a romantic encounter. Moving fast doesn't neccesarily mean the relationship is going to be successful. People are complex and everyone puts there best words forward online. I can right the sweetest things and proofread it before I send it to anyone, but I'm not on here for that. I see bullshit and the flag goes up. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/21/2007 5:59:58 PM |
So please help me to understand why so many mature adults think "taking it slow" lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
~OP~ Good question. I don't get it myself. After reading this thread, I had to think back, and ALL of my long-term relationships were sort of built in a day (so to speak.) One date lead to five years, one date lead to an 8 year marriage and one date lead to my final long-term relationship that fate decided was no longer to be in my life much too soon. Each of those were situations that were a first date turned to immediate relationship. The only "relationship" I've had in over three years wasn't really long-term, but he was instant boyfriend. Had some personal things not happened, I assume that would have lasted my usual length of time 5-8 years. I just seem to do better when it's solidified as a "relationship" moreso than dating. Of course, I have to be in that mindset to begin with ~ but I see no reason to drag out the whole dating thing. If he likes me, and I like him, wonderful. Exclusivity and we'll hope we can hold it together. Maybe I view it entirely backwards, but I can usually tell right away who stays and who doesn't wish to or shouldn't. Interesting topic though, made me think a little deeper than expected today! Congrats on your new relationship ~ best wishes for a long and happy one.  | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/21/2007 6:49:40 PM | So when you have a physical or emotional reaction you trust that you can identify the reasons for those reactions and interpret their meanings with confidence? You feel no need to question why you might be experiencing those reactions? Looks like the psychic part of your brain won out over the analyst........................for now.
People might be fans of taking it slow because they realize the advantages of examining those feelings to see if they are correct. Sooner or later the physical and emotional reactions are going to stop and the analyst in you is going to start looking at them. If you do this all at once you're going to be overwhelmed. My guess is this is what will happen after approximately six months. If you do a reality check on what you are experiencing as you go along you won't have so much to deal with down the road. I'm all for letting go, but some balance will help in the long run.
As you are checking these feelings with reality you can also take some time to work things through with your new love. Then all those little molehills will stay that way and you won't have to get an expensive climbing equipment set for the mountain when reality sets in....
Still, I think it's great that you can feel so much love and trust for one person and hope that the same will happen to me one day soon.....very soon.....like tomorrow! | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/21/2007 8:42:23 PM |
It's not that some people, by nature, are more cautious than others that creates the confusion, but the dogmatic way that some people, like the ones Manspirit described above, insist that living life cowering in fear, is the "only right" way to live life. "Surely, you wouldn't expect me to tell you my REAL name before the 20th date? You could look me up on the internet, and you might be the BTK killer", etc. We all know the type. The ones who will ONLY date in public places, and will park 4 blocks away, so that their license plates can't be tracked, and who want to know how close the nearest policeman is, before they'll be able to relax and order a latte to share with a man at Starbucks, and all the while insist that a man should "value and cherish" them, or that they are "getting to know the real person" in those convoluted, restrictive sorts of dating encounters.
Melo Felo... Surely, you aren't suggesting that to live life with some caution is "dogmatic"?!? We are responding to a situation posed by the OP in which she clearly states that she has already met the person and is now considering moving into a deeper level of commitment or intimacy (not clear about which). We aren't talking about ways for people to stay safe before they've met and I certainly can't imagine that you would advocate people meeting in darkly lit, private streets even if we were. You are going to the far end of the spectrum with your analogy. No one is suggesting that we should behave as insanely as you suggest.
What we are cautioning is with respect to entangling 2 lives (actually 4 since she has 2 children still at home) before they have had a bit of time to truly get to know one another. If the question on the table has to do with sexual intimacy, that's one thing but if it is actually about moving in together, sharing bank accounts and parenting responsibilities.. that's something else again.
If that heady "in love" feeling dies because it has met with caution, maturity and logical reasoning, I think it's pretty safe to assume that it wasn't going to sustain itself through the ups and downs of committed life. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/21/2007 8:58:33 PM | What we are cautioning is with respect to entangling 2 lives (actually 4 since she has 2 children still at home) before they have had a bit of time to truly get to know one another. If the question on the table has to do with sexual intimacy, that's one thing but if it is actually about moving in together, sharing bank accounts and parenting responsibilities.. that's something else again.
If that heady "in love" feeling dies because it has met with caution, maturity and logical reasoning, I think it's pretty safe to assume that it wasn't going to sustain itself through the ups and downs of committed life.
Of course I took my analogy to absurd extremes to illustrate the point, although there really was one poster who mentioned the BTK killer as a "reason" to be "cautious" in dating and developing intimacy. I really have read posts from women, who park blocks away and take a cab to a "meet and greet" imagining that they will be tracked from their license numbers. I have, too, read posts by women, who won't let a man pick them up for a date for the first 3 months.....3 MONTHS, geez. I have read posts in this thread, from those, who suggest that the man must be a "psychopath" if she feels so strongly quickly, because it is "psychopaths" who are charming. And, over and over again, I've read posts about people's fears, and why "love never works", but only one, Realistic59, who even tried to give some "reason" for why "some caution" might yield greater results later on, which was, after all, the original question.
I don't think the OP was talking about two people getting drunk, while in Vegas, and marrying that night. I assume that she showed reasonable caution in first getting to know each other, but then, when she experienced "once in a lifetime" feelings, not artificially putting the brakes on. She's a very attractive woman in her 40s, so I'm relatively sure, that she's experienced those feelings of "infatuation" that fade quickly, and so she knows that the feelings she has now are different, deep, and the relationship something she wants.
In fact, I didn't take it as her asking for advice, so much, as sharing her experience as things unfold, with family and friends having some paradigm that you have to be dating X amount of time, before considering marriage and so on. I would also assume that having her children develop a level of comfort with him, like having him there on weekends for now or something, is part of letting things happen naturally.
Some posts, like the one from Realistic59 still reference some degree of caution, but not at the risk of getting in the way of having things naturally unfold. When I mentioned the people, who order their lives in response to their fears, the posts like that are easy to see, as you scroll through, the ones that go "Bah, humbug" to the concept of deep and lasting love, and prefer to call friendship "love", and at that, under carefully "controlled" circumstances. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/21/2007 9:03:21 PM | Silken: After I read your post, I had to rethink a little. I had left out the portion of this particular equation which does, in fact, include children at home. I think I would have to agree with you on that note. That would put a spin on this situation that I had neglected to address. I was extremely and I mean overboard protective of my son for his first 8 years....only one man had been in his life, my spouse who adopted my son. Post-divorce, my son did not see even one man sleep in my bed (my son was 13 at that time.) That was a definite off limit situation. I don't judge others who live differently than I did, but I have heard my son make comments about his father's habits with women and the revolving door effect he felt when my ex had a new "love" on a constant and changing basis. I have even heard my son make a few comments that indicate he was more than bothered by the overnight situations his father seemed to indulge in with him present. That didn't happen at my house, I kept my private life PRIVATE ~ for that very reason. Tough situation with a child or children.
I don't know ~ that would make it very iffy for me, I think. At least it would make me stop, step back, take a good look at my child(ren), my own self AND the man in question. With me, that would most likely lead to a very scaled down version of the rush-syndrome that I have done with only myself to worry about.  | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/21/2007 9:14:44 PM | While, as I stated, I fall hard and fast when I do, I don't fall often enough for it to have ever been an issue for my daughter who was also my priority. No revolving doors around her. In the course of 5 years of us as the terrible twosome she saw me in two non-live in relationships and then was part of my wedding party for the third.
Taking it slow or fast is up to each couple, but I do think that others that might be affected by these decisions should be taken into consideration when overwhelmed with the urge for PDA's or sleepovers. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/21/2007 9:38:08 PM | I don't know ~ that would make it very iffy for me, I think. At least it would make me stop, step back, take a good look at my child(ren), my own self AND the man in question. With me, that would most likely lead to a very scaled down version of the rush-syndrome that I have done with only myself to worry about
The issue of children at home is one that is difficult for single, custodial moms. The OP has been divorced for 10 years, which would make her children, most likely, to be in the teen and pre-teen range, and she said she stepped back from dating and relationships for a long time, post divorce. My take on it is that she has been very hesitant to expose her children to other men.
That being said, if she is thinking in terms of marriage or living together, wouldn't it make sense to expose her children to the man in smaller doses, say over weekends, to see how the man and the children interact, and how it all fits together as a family unit? Would it really be "wiser" to change everything overnight, with a new step dad suddenly in place 6 months or a year down the road, without having everyone having time in advance to adjust?
I think the OP was talking about letting nature take its course, not totally giving leave to her senses. That she's not putting up walls, but not acting on impulse with no concern for her children either, seems consistent with what the OP wrote, what's in her profile, or how she presents herself. She is, after all, a professional woman, and one must assume that the man is also somewhat centered and sensible. She just doesn't want to deny love, or put up barriers to appease extended family and friends, that she "took it slow". | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/21/2007 9:39:14 PM | "So please help me to understand why so many mature adults think "taking it slow" lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship? "
Op if you have to ask, then maybe you haven't realized the level of maturity and experience that you think you have.
Not trying to be harsh. You have already been through a marriage that didn't work. If you aren't willing to take it slow then how many marriages/relationship are you willing to go through?
This isn't a race. No one will steal the prize if you aren't quick enough. Relax, take your time, and enjoy. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/21/2007 9:48:16 PM | Hot diggity dog:
I wanna jump on this bandwagon.
Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Well. For starters. It is the SMART thing to do. Unless of course you are the type of person who (for whatever reason) is needy. Needy does the quicky relationship.
Needy does the quicky bedroom bounce assuming it will turn into long term. Needy doesn't take the time to figure a few things out. Needy needs mature some more and ask his/herself things like, Is this person right for me? Is this WHO I really want to be with instead of, I NEED a relationship.
I hope this makes sense. Cause it shoreeeeeeeeee do to me.
I thank you. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/21/2007 9:51:06 PM | I don't even really know what this means?
If you are both on the same page, and you are talking about spending as much time together as you can....why not?
If you are talking about having lots of sex and being exclusive about it...why not?
But if you are talking about getting married...then it's something different. I know way too many people who Marry in Haste and TRULY repent at leisure.... until they meet "the ONE" again and BOOM there they are down the aisle again at break neck speed. It's awful! Two of my closest highschool friends (my age) have five and four marriages behind them respectively....once that last divorce is final it's NO HOLES BARRED! And every time they each have poo poo'ed the idea that they were rushing--no, this time they KNEW!
So RUSH--go for it girl! If you are in LOVE, why pretend you aren't? But DON'T RUSH DOWN THE AISLE!
Best of luck...and congratulations! :) | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/21/2007 9:59:42 PM | "no, this time they KNEW!"
I wish I had a dollar for every man/women in datingland who lives their lives as a chick flick.
I don't watch click flick. Won't date men who do. Who turns click flicks into a lifestyle?
Please look to yourself for stability and inner peace.
You can spend your life jumping for one new love to the next, or you can learn to love yourself, and slow down. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/21/2007 10:15:30 PM |
Please look to yourself for stability and inner peace.
You can spend your life jumping for one new love to the next, or you can learn to love yourself, and slow down.
If you were referring to someone, who was recently divorced, that would be sage advice. The OP has been divorced for 10 years, and referenced working on herself in therapy, in a different thread. So, in terms of developing stability and inner peace, it would seem that she took a long time to work through those issues, before "jumping" into a relationship. I've also seen her post about "dating to date" and how unfulfilling that is, so it's not like she fell in love with the first guy either. So, her rhetorical question remains, why "slow down" the natural course of things just for the sake of someone else's paradigm?
I sure didn't see her talk about getting married in the first month of knowing each other, or doing anything else outside the "white lines" of sanity, but her question makes me wonder, what ARE the "rules", and why, in terms of letting love happen.
It really is subjective. I've read some women in some threads with what seem to me "whacky" timetables, like 3 months before he can pick her up at home, or 6 months for sexuality to be part of a relationship. She said that before her marriage, she dated him for 2 years, and it ended in divorce, with him leaving small children behind. So, at 44, she hasn't shown a "pattern" of "jumping from one relationship to the next" , nor being unstable, and it seems that she has worked to find her own self identity and inner peace, and now she's found the "real thing" that we all hope to find in terms of love.
So, her rhetorical question remains. What is the benefit of interfering with the natural flow of feelings of deep love, and acting, responsibly, in response to them?
That's not a question that is about what the posters "fear", but about what good comes from slowing down the momentum. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/21/2007 10:21:45 PM | I'm with Lass on this one.
When I click with someone, I fall hard and fast. My last GF wanted to "slow down" because she was starting to fall fast too. WTF.. but we were having soooo much fun!!! It's not like I have a button I can adjust, like I have on my radio to turn the volume down (but I do have an OFF button). It just happens, I love it, and don't do anything to slow it down. It has it's own speed. Jump in with me or I'll swim away.
The minute I find someone I click with, and who wants to fall in love more than they want to protect themselves, I'm outta here baby. But that doesn't mean that the kids will see a woman in dads bed anytime soon.
No offense to those afraid of the water. But I'm telling you... the water's great. Just jump in already! | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/21/2007 10:48:56 PM |
I have read posts in this thread, from those, who suggest that the man must be a "psychopath" if she feels so strongly quickly, because it is "psychopaths" who are charming. And, over and over again, I've read posts about people's fears, and why "love never works", but only one, Realistic59, who even tried to give some "reason" for why "some caution" might yield greater results later on, which was, after all, the original question.
Melo-Felo... The post you are referring to about socio/psychopaths was mine and it did NOT suggest that the man she is with is a psychopath. Perhaps, my writing skills aren't up to snuff so I will try again. One of the KEY warning signs of being with a psychopath or sociopath (your choice of what to call them) is that they tend to RUSH a romantic interest off of his or her feet. They are very charming and romantic AND manipulative. They work to get their new "target" deeply and heavily enmeshed in a committed relationship for the sole purpose of making it really hard for the target to get out of the situation. After a few emails or phone calls where the things that mean most to them are easily exchanged as "trust-builders", these very confidences are what the psychopath will use to keep a person enslaved. For example... She tells him that she is a schoolteacher and that she loves her job. Pretty normal.. right? But if he is a psychopath, she has just supplied him with a weapon. If, in future, she doesn't comply with his wishes, he will threaten to contact her employers and conduct the biggest smear campaign she could ever think of. Or he will threaten to actually raise hell at the school where she teaches. Of course, he may just be blowing smoke up her butt but he also may actually carry it out. She knows that even if the school knows she has a nutbar in her life, her employers ALSO have an obligation to ensure the safety of her colleagues and students so her employment may be suddenly at risk.
Do you think it can't happen Melo-Felo? Do you think people can't terrorize and torture one another? Do you think the majority of people are playing with a full deck???
Well let me tell you my friend... I am an intelligent lady... very strong, very self-sufficient... and one day I met a man online who was a minister. I felt as you did.. That where love seems viable and possible, there was no reason to "slow down". I also wanted to think that people were as they seem to be... I was "rushed" off my feet and I thought he was everything wonderful all put together by my higher power just for me...
And he turned my world upside down for 4 solid years... Since I have had this experience, I have visited many healing websites while online and this is FAR more common than anyone would like to think it is or even WANTS to believe it is... Again... it is a predominantly male disorder but about 25% are also female...
So when I see the word "rush"... it would violate everything I've learned NOT to offer a warning but it isn't because I think every person is a potential psychopath... It's because I KNOW that it's OUR responsibility to pay attention to every possibility and not to let the "momentum" win over logic and well-informed decisions.
Am I jaded? Am I controlled by fear? Not a chance... I am just smarter than I was and suggesting that she considered ALL of the things that may affect her happiness... I wish them both life's richest blessings. And you as well... | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/21/2007 10:54:00 PM |
I have even heard my son make a few comments that indicate he was more than bothered by the overnight situations his father seemed to indulge in with him present. That didn't happen at my house, I kept my private life PRIVATE ~ for that very reason. Tough situation with a child or children.
VeryGreenEyez... I couldn't have said this better than you did. I grew up in a single parent household and admired my mother so very much for not filling our lives with Uncle Joe, Uncle Bob and Uncle Neil when it was always apparent that she was so very lonely.
And now, I admire you as well...
I am not implying that the OP is any other way either... Just saying that when kids are involved it's important to gradually introduce a new person to the unit and to be sensitive about it.
 for you | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/21/2007 11:21:16 PM | and before anyone starts bashing me and jumping to conclusions (LOL); I'm saying if you have relationship exeperience and know what you're looking for, I don't think you need to tread quite as slowly in your 40's as you did when you were a teenager or in your 20's or whatever and were just starting to date.......and I'm not talking about getting married per se, I just mean the relationship it's self....if your a mentally healthy person, just like you would use your guidance for anything else in your life where you have experience, you should do the same with relationships...
Come one, would you take as long today to research and buy a house or a car as you did the first time you did so? I don't mean ignore or skip the steps, but if you have experience knowing who you are and what does and does not work for you, than don't let other people tell you how it works....
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/21/2007 11:53:50 PM | Silken ~ thank you for the kind reply. You know, reading your post just reminded me of things I truly had forgotten. It's been 5 years of me being just me, my son is a man ~ I had forgotten some aspects of my former life. I think forums are good for this reason ~ we are reminded or even, at times, jarred by our own memory loss of "how it used to be" ~ Kudos to your Mother, and to you as well, for the gentle reminder of how being single differs vastly from being a single-Mother/Father. 
That being said, if she is thinking in terms of marriage or living together, wouldn't it make sense to expose her children to the man in smaller doses, say over weekends, to see how the man and the children interact, and how it all fits together as a family unit? Would it really be "wiser" to change everything overnight, with a new step dad suddenly in place 6 months or a year down the road, without having everyone having time in advance to adjust?
It would definitely make sense to let the children adjust in small doses over a reasonable length of time. Over weekends in the very beginning stages? Absolutely NOT. Days of the weekend, absolutely. Quality time getting to know one another as individuals, absolutely. Getting to know a new man as the "new man of the house" in the very beginning ~ no way. You are defending a position that a "family unit" can be built in a matter of a couple of weekend overnighters, and some minor getting to know you time. That is simply impossible. It may appear a good fit. Those kids may take to that person immediately. BUT, what children think, versus what they say to Mother about the new man, aren't always the same thing, nor do they usually voice an opinion that may make Mom unhappy. I can honestly say ~ to this very day, my son agonizes over the fact I'm alone. To this day ~ he mentions how he wishes Mr. Right for Me would enter my life. This is an adult child who is in a monogomous long-term live in relationship with his gf of two years. The cold hard truth is, my son's relationship mirrors me, not my ex. What does that tell me? It made a difference to my son's future how I chose to raise him in our past. His father was his playmate, I was his parent. That is just my life, I'm not doubting this OP or what she chooses to do, I am just wondering what all the rushing is about. Maybe family counseling is a good idea, to speed things along. Get the take from an outsider on what the children are truly thinking/feeling. I believe there is a father and a gf in the picture as well. That is a lot of "stuff" going on in a kid's world. A little preventative maintenance now might very well save a rough, rocky road a little further into the journey.
By all means, 6 months of dating would equal 6 months of getting to know one another as individuals. That makes a lot more sense to me than playing "family unit" on the weekends and making insta-decisions that affect/effect 4 people, not two adults. I'm sorry to vehelmently disagree on this issue with you ~ but I've been this route. I understand the OP's position. I was there. There were times I wanted a man in my house, in my bed, in my life as part of "us" so badly I could barely breath. BUT, the reality was, my son was becoming a man. I knew for a fact, I could have my very own life later on and I had my PRIVATE life that didn't interfere with our homelife. To each their own, I'm not understanding the surge, the need to mesh immediately. I suppose it's a good thing I only live my own life ~ this I have a hard time understanding. JMO | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/22/2007 1:07:12 AM |
One of the KEY warning signs of being with a psychopath or sociopath (your choice of what to call them) is that they tend to RUSH a romantic interest off of his or her feet. They are very charming and romantic AND manipulative. They work to get their new "target" deeply and heavily enmeshed in a committed relationship for the sole purpose of making it really hard for the target to get out of the situation. After a few emails or phone calls where the things that mean most to them are easily exchanged as "trust-builders", these very confidences are what the psychopath will use to keep a person enslaved.
Yes, psychopaths exist, and I'm very sorry for your experience. Fewer than 1% of the population would fit the DSM-IV criteria for diagnosis as being sociopathic, and the signs are pretty hard to ignore, for an in tune adult. One of the early warnings is the lack of conscience and a consistent value system. The OP's profile shows that she has a religious faith, and I'm assuming that, as she was exploring a potential relationship, that would have been uncovered. Either way, ordering one's life based on suspicion, is exactly what I posted about earlier, that some people are principally guided by negatives (fears) and others by positives (hope), but an emotionally healthy person is aware of things sufficiently to adjust her actions according to real life experience with the other in the real world.
What's more relevant to this thread is that about 8% of women, and 4% of men, show a greater or lesser degree of an emotional disorder/anxiety disorder. While it takes 7 out of 10 of the criteria listed in the DSM-IV to confirm the diagnosis, there are many more than that, who show some tendencies. Having been "involved" to a greater or lesser degree with both a Borderline Personality Disorder and a bi-polar, I am more "aware" of how easy it can be to be sucked into their orbit, and how difficult to extract oneself from them.
For all that, and all that, sure, it makes sense to keep our wits about us, and not to dismiss things that are "off" about someone we are growing deeply attached to, but if we enter relationships "expecting" that the other person is deeply flawed psychologically, until he/she "proves" otherwise, we are effectively putting up walls against a truly deep connection in the beginning. While it's possible to build "some" connection over time, the grand passion and great love is something that, in my experience, has to be allowed to "happen", or it's halted, for no reason other than fear, and in halting it, sense of "self" takes over again, and drives a wedge between you. | |
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