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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/22/2007 4:36:16 AM |
Fewer than 1% of the population would fit the DSM-IV criteria for diagnosis as being sociopathic, and the signs are pretty hard to ignore, for an in tune adult.
1% of the adult population in the US is 2 million people. In Canada, it's approximately 300,000 people. This is only the "sociopaths" and doesn't begin to include people that have been diagnosed with anti-social personality disorder.
Now having said that, I will say again.. there was nothing "out-of-tune" about the majority of people who suddenly find themselves attempting to cope with the destructive results of a "rush". It also doesn't mean that the "targets" were emotionally "unhealthy" or anything more than people who entered relationships without knowing that there are seriously disordered people in the world who showed no initial traces of those disorders. The "rush" element is what defeats the awareness of those "lack of conscience or consistent values" warnings.
You might wish to consider Melo-Felo, that "fear" is a valuable emotion in the spectrum of human emotions and as such, cannot necessarily be considered a "negative" if one's respect for it's existence, defeats the potential for ending up as someone's target or worse. And hope is not always a "positive" force when it ends up in disappointment. Moreover, there is room for both in every human being.
Stating in one's profile that one has a Christian foundation is not necessarily indicative of a person having a firm grip on the realities of this world.
Your implication that my grip on reality is equal to my having an "anxiety disorder" has not escaped my attention but I can assure you that my willingness to pay attention to early warning signs does not constitute an anxiety disorder of any kind. Instead, it indicates that I have a pretty good grip on reality and steadily believe that any grand passion or great love should be reasonably expected to include each person's sense of "self". In my view, you appear to be suggesting that a couple should be motivated by a "fear of losing love and passion" so I wonder which of us would appropriately be considered "anxiety-disordered"??? | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/22/2007 5:06:37 AM | | Time will tell what stands the test of time, to quote Van Halen. It's not so much about the two individuals living in relationship, but the time it takes for a course of events to occur in their shared history to experience the way in which they are able to cope it out together. Wishing you many "common disasters" to share real soon! (tongue planted firmly in cheek) | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/22/2007 5:42:04 AM | I have been following my post daily and I have a few comments to make. I truly was acting for some opinions on my question. I enjoy hearing what others think with regards to relationships and realize that my sharing of my life would mean exposing myself, my innermost feelings. I am comfortable with who I am and what I am doing. I have no need to defend myself but in the interest of keeping this post on track I think it may help for me to share a bit more with regards to some concerns I have read.
#1: My children mean the world to me. I have raised 7 children and have only 2 remaining at home. I have devoted my life to my children, wanting to raise them to adulthood with a strong foundation of confidence, intelligence and empathy for others. I am also a grandmother and could not love my little beauties anymore than I do. I have not had realtionships in front of my children before this one. I went on some first dates and never introduced them to my children nor had them come to pick me up so no chance of the children being exposed to various men.
I have always wanted to find love yet my life was focused on my children so I put little effort into the actual search. The last few years my children have been encouraging me to seek out the man I would wish to share my life with.
They have been exposed to the opposite side of parents dating with their father as they have seen him with many different woman in the time since our divorce. They have come to me when confused or concerned for their father or wondering what it is all about and we have had some very open honest discussions about their feelings and what their role is with regards to their dads frequent relationships.
My two children (teenagers) remaining at home have a very good understanding of the morality of relationships and have no issues with what I am current feeling and doing. For I am not doing anything to them nor anything that concerns them. They have commented on how happy I am and how much that means to them. They know I would never put them in a difficult or unsafe environment. At this point they are enjoying getting to know the man whom I love.
#2. I am a professional woman who has taken the time to gain the education and expereince necessary to be very good at what I do. I am a good provider and have accomplished much in order to give my children what I feel is a wonderful child hood.
#3. I have had very few intimate relationships in my life. Not because I did not have opportunities but because I would rather wait for the right one. I have found him and he has found me.
#4. And last but not least I must thank God for blessing me so richly by guiding me to Melofelo. He is by far the most wonderful, caring, and supportive man I have ever known. He fits with me in every way and his need to defend me is just another reason why I love him with all my heart. We share a common spirituality as well as a deep respect for each other. We are in this together and each day is better than the one before . We both take my children feelings seriously and because of this he is relocating so not to upset my childrens lives. He is willing to sacrifice as am I for the children sake. We will be a family, understanding the past, living in the present ,and looking happily towards our future.
I have been truly blessed. | |
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Renda
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Joined: 7/4/2007
Msg: 79 | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/22/2007 6:54:33 AM | Some people seem to think that "going for broke" means moving in and comsuming each other's life. It does not. It doesn't mean forget your friends, quit your job, sell the farm, auction the cows, and move to a different country. It simply means: FALL IN LOVE ALREADY.
"But what if I'm wrong and I get hurt?", hell... what if it was right and I missed it?? I'd be kicking myself in the ass for a life time.
There's nothing worse then burning your toast when it's the last slice of bread. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/22/2007 10:48:29 PM | These threads amuse me. Disguised as a question, when in fact, it's just someone wanting validation for their own circumstance. OP.....good for you. Finding what you feel is love. You two (Original poster and Melofelo) played a game with everyone here. And sadly, this is a GOOD topic. Too bad it was posted for validation of personal situation versus an actual question to be answered by those who cared enough to share their stories. This is clearly a testimonial, not a thread topic. What a waste of time for these people who posted experience, opinion and thought.
On topic: if one has to post a thread about their extremely short lived relationship, for approval of others, argument and steadfast defense, something stinks in Denmark, and it ain't the cheese.
Original poster: 7 children? Seems to me a little alone time might be warranted to you. That is a lot of child raising. All amazing, I'm certain, because you seem to have it all together. But where on earth did you have time to raise 7 (yes, SEVEN) children, gain an education, have a failed marriage, a failed long term relationship (according to melofelo) and still manage to be a professional with an amazing career? Good luck to you both. (And to those 7 (seven) not two children.)
Forums, I love these things. I feel so safe and sane. Not that this isn't ideal, but I feel a new thread coming on in about 6 months.
Kat  | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/23/2007 4:21:05 AM |
I agree that when a person seemingly asks for advice then "defends" their position they are looking for affirmation. No need to look for affirmation, but I'm sure most would offer their congratulations :-).
For what it's worth, the thread was premised on a rhetorical question, that is an interesting question, regardless of Heidi or my relationship. She didn't say "should we wait?", but rather, what do people perceive as the POSITIVE benefit of imposing "taking it slow" to the ultimate re.lationship. Realist, the interesting thing is that you were one of a handful, who actually posted to the topic, rather than went off into "why men are bad/what can go wrong"
It wasn't intended to be a "set up" for those posting their own experiences. I think she got mad at the insinuations that I'm a "psychopath", because I was immediately drawn to her, and that things have been so natural and powerful.
Quite frankly, if she posted her life story, a lot of people would admire her strength of character. She married, when pregnant as a teen, and had another child, and her husband, at age 23 was killed, leaving her a widow with two little kids. She worked a job, raised children, and went back to college and got her degree. In her late 20s she married a man with 3 kids of his own, and they had two. With the 2nd pregnancy, he was determined she have an abortion, and nearly beat her to death, when she, for moral reasons, refused. That was the 3rd time he was arrested for abuse, and she left, with a small child, two teenagers, and a baby on the way, worked to support them. She went through therapy, and remained single for 11 years. Yes, she dated some, after 5 years, but never had a man stay overnight.
My story is my story, and I am not going to get into it now. The thing is, I am in my 50s, married once for 19 years, with a solid relationship with my daughters, and have been divorced for almost 8 years. The point is, neither of us has a history of irresponsibly rushing off into marriage or "live with" quickly. This is unique. She was interested in what others might say, and if anyone feels "cheated" or "misled", I'm sure that was not her intent. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/23/2007 6:57:45 AM | I in no way was trying to play a game with the posters of this thread. I made it very clear that I wanted to know what others think regarding how taking it slow can lend itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship. I respect others opinion otherwise I would have not asked the question. The question was rhetorical but that was not hidden. I did state that my love and I have decided to move forward....
My previous post was written because I wanted to share that my children are important to me and that I have given the idea of a long term relationship in front of my children a lot of thought. I do not take my role as mother lightly nor will I put my children in harms way. However I, as an adult, understand that all relationships pose "risk" that something may go wrong. I have done my homework and by doing so I am hoping this has given me the ability to make good decisions with regards to a relationship.
My posting identifying my love was strictly my way of trying to put people at ease that he is not a psychopath nor someone who puts little thought into our relationship. I am a woman in love and my first thought is to find a mountain, climb it and yell "I am in love with a great guy". That sounds strange doesn't it? Maybe I am the only one who has ever wanted others to know what a great guy I have found. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/23/2007 7:49:40 AM | Hi Heidi
For me I agree with "Taking it slow". My reason is I fell in lust, I thought it was love, and then married 21 years! I now know we all put our best face forward at the start of a relationship, then slowly but surely the true self will surface. By then we think well thats only one flaw, and after all I am in love! So we continue and settling, then here comes another flaw, and another, before you know it we find ourselves unhappy and realizing we made a mistake.
So by taking it slow you are giving yourself a chance to really get to know the person and he to know you and after a year if its still all good then you might consider moving forward.
Once one has been through a divorce the last thing you want to do is make another bad choice! We are growing older everyday not younger!
So my advice is Take it Slow, why make a rash decision?
Take care and Good Luck! | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/23/2007 7:52:46 AM | I don't think taking it slow is about "past hurts" I think taking it slow is relative. To one person slow could mean a month to another slow could mean a year.
For me "taking it slow" is partly about sex. I just will not fall into a sexual relationship right off. The other half IS about protecting my heart. I just can't let go & give it freely. I need trust. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/23/2007 10:00:25 AM | The biggest mistake I have made since I split with my X was going with my feelings and based on, what I believed at the time, was some good logic and awareness of potential pitfalls. Several people here have discussed the potential problems for your children even given their ages and current understanding. They think it is wonderful now because mom is happy, do you think they will similarly feel great about things if mom becomes unhappy?
I fell hard and fast about a year and a half ago. He was virtually moved in very quickly; one of my more rocket scientist moves. My children know my morals and we have talked about how they should or will conduct themselves in relationships so that did not concern me because from the first, this was expected to be the last long-term relationship and they were aware of that.
The kids liked him, or so they said, and his daughter also got along with my kids and was a nice girl. We had similar ideas about what we wanted to do with our lives, what we wanted for our children, how a couple functions together, oh, the cooking together and sharing the load with the kids was wonderful. He also seemed to like me exactly as I was and we felt maybe we met each other at that time because it was the right time, as we both felt five or ten years earlier we would have been oil and water.
The only problem was that I had lost my mind. I soon found that while he was quiet and reserved about it, he was every bit as controlling and jealous as my X and I was frankly relieved when he bolted at the first sign of trouble. I had to carefully phrase anything I said and he was constantly twisting my words to imply something entirely opposed to whatever I said. I think he both did not know himself and not necessarily intentionally told me everything I wanted to hear. He seemed the perfect individual but thank God I am older and do not feel the need to cling to a difficult damanging relationship in order to prove I can have one.
I found this post interestingly germane to this discussion sans the kid aspect.
It's because any two people who are sexually attracted can have a blast when they first get together. Yeah, life is great, you're the best. And so on. Then sometimes you wake up and the infatuation has run its course and there is nothing else to keep you together. That is a problem if you have already got married or pregnant or made a down payment together on the pop-up camper trailer of your dreams. After watching enough relationships start and end with a bang, witnesses adopt a wait-and-see attitude, one that seems reasonable unless it is your brain jacked up on sexual bliss, and then it sounds like grumpy people who have forgotten what love was.
Going slowly doesn't necessarily mean that an individual will have a great long-term relationship but I think it helps to avoid a whole hell of a lot of bad ones; that and a little honesty.
OP, your OT was not particularly manipulative but your SO's contributions to the thread, cloaked in relative anonymity until nearing the end of the posts, makes those that posted in earnest to this thread feel as if someone has put something over on them, particularly those that he debated as a purportedly unbiased and uninterested party, which he clearly was not. Chivalrous from your viewpoint, kind of strange from the outside looking in. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/23/2007 11:05:01 AM | Well, I must admit that your point has credence. I would have agreed with your premise until I had my own experience with "taking it slow". Back some time ago I met the man that was charming, fun, hardworking and treated me like a queen, it was fireworks and moonlight at the 1st meeting...we both recognized the chemistry and so we advanced, at a rather rapid pace, into an exclusive relationship, we spent nearly every weekend together, growing closer and closer. We discussed marriage and I knew he was the man for me...just hesitant to rush into it... Everything about him made my mind and senses swirl, I still get butterflies at even the thought of him....
I am so glad I hesitated, as I eventually learned of his duplicity and deception. He is a charming man, and I had no reason to doubt anything he told me, I knew his family..all looked well, all sounded well...until a blunder on his part started me to investigating him....he is a con, and a deceiver and it turns out has a violent past with women. I thank God that I hesitated and learned the truth prior to it being me laying in the hospital from his anger...10 months of a relationship and he had not once indicated or demonstrated a tendency of violence toward women, he was always very tender, gentle and loving, and especially so with his mother... I was totally duped.
I have learned that "taking it slow" allows you to check character over the long haul... because we all know that good behavior is always what you see in the 1st -9 months but if it's not genuine it wont last, it's hard to maintain it if it isn't who you are. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/23/2007 11:46:27 AM | Define "Taking it slow".
It makes sense to use -reasonable- precautions when meeting someone for the first time.. it makes sense to get to know each other before jumping onto the marriage band-wagon.
But WHAT, exactly, does that mean?
Just from observing and experience? I'd say that it is different for each individual, but if you're taking ridiculous amounts of time before giving your phone number out, or whatever, you need to ask yourself why. If you find that you are afraid of everything, and expect to see the boogie-man jump out of every shadow, you need to consider the source of this anxiety.
I'm of the opinion that, as social creatures, we crave company. We have a strong, instinctive need to mate. The conflict arises because some of us are not yet ready to get into the dating game again, yet our subconscious 'need' to have someone in our lives bleeds through. So you get a situation of dating through a 10 inch thick wall... thus the overly paranoid protectiveness and fear disguised as "taking my time". | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/23/2007 5:57:41 PM |
It makes sense to use -reasonable- precautions when meeting someone for the first time.. it makes sense to get to know each other before jumping onto the marriage band-wagon.
Heathenesque, I don't know that anyone could argue with that.
But WHAT, exactly, does that mean?
Just from observing and experience? I'd say that it is different for each individual
While some will, I also don't know how anyone could argue with that either.
I'm of the opinion that, as social creatures, we crave company. We have a strong, instinctive need to mate. The conflict arises because some of us are not yet ready to get into the dating game again, yet our subconscious 'need' to have someone in our lives bleeds through. So you get a situation of dating through a 10 inch thick wall... thus the overly paranoid protectiveness and fear disguised as "taking my time".
This too, hits "home". | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/23/2007 6:33:40 PM | | I have found from all my past mistakes that it takes "time" to get to know that person! Being friends "first" is what will work, having sex to soon into a relationship messes it up, been there done that!!! In the long run it's having that friendship in your relationship that is the glue that holds it together! So many people get together for the wrong reasons, timing is everything! | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/23/2007 8:22:14 PM | So please help me to understand why so many mature adults think "taking it slow" lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
From your response to my wondering whether you are really looking for answers I take it you want to look at this closely because it's so important to you.
Okay, so you can't seem to stop the train to think - are you worried that your relationship won't end up as meaningful as it could because of this?? Or do you want to know how to stop the train?
I'll go back to the overwhelming part......maybe you're the type of people who can think this through even when overwhelmed by emotion - you certainly are analytical and expressive enough.
If you're both getting a lot of positive feelings from what you are doing then I say "so what" that you're taking it faster than most. Why don't you just enjoy what is happening now and worry about a deeper relationship later?? Keep in mind that you might hit a point where you start questioning what you're doing and prepare for it somewhat, but don't sweat it! Crickey, when I meet someone who I think is that right for me I'm going to spend so much time thanking my lucky stars that I'll forget to take out the garbage, do the dishes, feed the cat, etc. So if your intention is to have a deep, meaningful relationship then it will happen for you. Right now the intention seems to be to fall madly in love - worry about the long-term stuff later.
Okay, what colour did you want me to buy the bridesmaids dress in? Ha, ha, did that scare you? | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/23/2007 10:13:46 PM | " She married, when pregnant as a teen, and had another child, and her husband, at age 23 was killed, leaving her a widow with two little kids. She worked a job, raised children, and went back to college and got her degree. In her late 20s she married a man with 3 kids of his own, and they had two. With the 2nd pregnancy, he was determined she have an abortion, and nearly beat her to death, when she, for moral reasons, refused. That was the 3rd time he was arrested for abuse, and she left, with a small child, two teenagers, and a baby on the way, worked to support them. She went through therapy, and remained single for 11 years. Yes, she dated some, after 5 years, but never had a man stay overnight. "
This concerns me....that melofelo.....would be sharing so publicly, such very personal private information on the OP. I would feel if she wanted this posted in open forum....she would be the one posting this personal history.
I know myself, if I had shared such private, personal information, with someone, I certainly would feel my personal space had been invaded....if my SO or a supposed friend stepped forward....to broadcast....to the world. I would consider it a betrayal of my trust.
Even when friends share private topics with me on their personal life, I never pass that information on and feel if they want someone else to know THEY WILL TELL IT THEMSELVES...... even concerning vacations, personal relationships, who they are dating, things that happen on their job or family matters......otherwise, I consider it gossipping....and betrayal.........and wonder what else I told them in confidence they have shared with whoever.... | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/23/2007 11:05:51 PM |
It wasn't intended to be a "set up" for those posting their own experiences. I think she got mad at the insinuations that I'm a "psychopath", because I was immediately drawn to her, and that things have been so natural and powerful. {/quote]
Oh now, I wasn't going to return to this thread but I am wondering just how many times I am going to have to say that I was NOT insinuating that you were a psychopath but rather that "rushing" into ties of commitment can be a pre-warning of the presence of one? Is that really so hard to understand that I have now typed this 3 .. count em.. 3 times??? Kindly don't use my valuable time and information as some kind of smokescreen as to why this post came about!
As you can see from post 93, there ARE situations where the "rush" is a warning to potential mates. THAT is what I said and that is what I will continue to say.
But since I am here, I will add a few more thoughts. In the OP's original post, she said she was receiving some cautions from friends and family. Those are often gentile warnings that people are concerned about this very commendable lady and they are generally framed in a loving way by friends and family. But THAT is also a warning sign.
There is a rather sizable age difference of 13 years between you. It may not matter if you're still functional now Melo-Felo but when you're 70, she is going to be 57 and it MAY matter then.
You have said in one of your posts I believe that you do not have a great deal of financial security to offer. In some of her posts, she is looking quite financially secure after all of her hard work and sacrifice through the years. This is another difference that MAY cause a problem.
You have said in other posts that you left your marriage of 19 years because your wife gained weight and you were no longer attracted to her. What if this lady is suddenly in an accident of some kind that disfigures her? Will that also cause you to leave?
You say in your profile that you are very recently out of a 5 year relationship. How much affect is THAT having on you in terms of being motivated to find someone else right away?
You say in your profile that you tend to be very dominating and that you consider that your role as a man. How is that going to play out with a woman who has been thinking on her own for several years?
You both have many questions that need some answers and I agree with the other posters here that posing this question here in the POF forum just made Heidi look as though she has some doubts of her own.
I, for one, felt a trifle upset that you waited to disclose that you were a couple after so many posts had been left for you already...
No one said YOU were a psychopath. And you know it! | |
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