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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/24/2007 7:13:11 AM |
I, for one, felt a trifle upset that you waited to disclose that you were a couple after so many posts had been left for you already
Silken, the thread was not started to be about "us", and despite your comments about me, specifically, I don't feel the need to "defend", or address them one by one. It's not important, except to say that there are some misconceptions that you have. Beyond that, it does get to the original "motivation" for the thread.
Heidi and I were talking about things having to do with the friends she has, who, in essence, were "warning" her about allowing herself to love, because she might get hurt, or the relatives, who said much the same. It wasn't about me. Her relatives who have met me, are actually supportive of the relationship, but there are those in her life, as there are in the forums, who are, when you "hear" what they're really saying, say that it's "safer" to never love, because that ensures that you won't be hurt, by having a risk that love might leave. It's sort of making sure that there's nothing to lose, by not allowing yourself to gain, or hope to gain.
We were just wondering about that. Heidi asked, when we were together last weekend, what it is that people think will be gained by keeping emotions in check, imposing some sort of timetable in allowing feelings to flow. I should add, that Heidi and I haven't "rushed" to get married or live together. The "proceeding" with love, has to be with being open about feelings, and discussing the "what ifs?" with a positive expectation of where we believe we're going.
The original topic was "why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper more meaningful relationship?". It was borne of so many posts in so many threads, where people post about "taking it slow" as a way of avoiding their fears, in some belief that time will "magically cure" their fears.
I think Heathenesque succinctly described, what I've seen a lot of in the forums.
The conflict arises because some of us are not yet ready to get into the dating game again, yet our subconscious 'need' to have someone in our lives bleeds through. So you get a situation of dating through a 10 inch thick wall... thus the overly paranoid protectiveness and fear disguised as "taking my time".
With rare exceptions, the OT has mostly been ignored, and the expression of "what if" in the most negative possible light, has been the topic that most choose to address. I don't "blame" anyone, who has been hurt, for being reactive to the past, and projecting it to the future. I will say, from working with people who are hurting, that until people can let go of fear as the guiding emotion in relationships, it's very difficult, if not impossible, to find the full power of love and the full experience of its joy.
I'm not saying this to you critically, Silken. Actually, it's with compassion that I say, you might find value in looking at your posts as if you were somewhere else, and seeing how negative they are. Or, of course, you could just continue to find more things "wrong" with me, and pose more "what if?" questions that you answer with the worst possible outcomes. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/24/2007 9:00:39 AM | Why? It's pretty simple...because most of us "mature" adults have been in relationships that started out in fiery passion and blind emotion... and then farther down the road we discover the flesh and bones part of each other, complete with all the quirks and annoying habits that eventually takes the relationship to a place of anger, resentment and tears. We've learned that you have to be in love with EVERY part of that other person for it to last...not just the stuff we WANT to see.
OP, it sounds to me like you are in the midst of one of those beautiful experiences that most of us never get to...and I sincerely wish you all the best, and I say "carry on"! | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/24/2007 3:52:57 PM |
Silken, the thread was not started to be about "us", and despite your comments about me, specifically, I don't feel the need to "defend", or address them one by one. It's not important, except to say that there are some misconceptions that you have. Beyond that, it does get to the original "motivation" for the thread.
Melo-Felo, with all due respect... If I have "misconceptions", it is not by the failure of my own perceptions. I have taken the information left in my preceding post from your very own posts in your profile and in these forums. I am sure that if any one of 100 people were to read your very own statements (such as the one about leaving your wife of 19 years because she had gained weight and was not attractive to you any longer), they would have the same "conceptions" as I have. But it's funny you should say this because, it constitutes yet another warning sign when someone is quick to invalidate someone else's perceptions and indeed, their ability to understand what they read rather than to accept responsibility for what they've said.
I'm not saying this to you critically, Silken. Actually, it's with compassion that I say, you might find value in looking at your posts as if you were somewhere else, and seeing how negative they are. Or, of course, you could just continue to find more things "wrong" with me, and pose more "what if?" questions that you answer with the worst possible outcomes.
I appreciate your compassion Melo-Felo.. I truly do... As a matter of fact, I am quite overwhelmed by it. You can continue to call the presence of 2 million psychopaths in the United States alone "negative" while attempting to circumvent the REALITY that there are valid reasons for people not to RUSH into entanglements and speaking them, does NOT make a person negative. If genuine love and passion exists between any two people who meet, it will transcend the "careful" stages of taking valuable time to sort the wheat from the chaff at the beginning of a relationship and dare I say.. even survive weight gains, bodily changes or the aging process. I am, like most people here on POF, quite "positive" that genuine love CAN exist and does exist. I know this because I have felt it and experienced it from others. I am quite capable of experiencing faith, hope and passion. Being careful does NOT make me negative Melo-Felo. It makes me a "grown up".
I wish you both the richest of blessings! | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/24/2007 4:29:22 PM | Well, its interesting how this thread started by the OP and who was then 'vigorously defended' by MeloFelo, turns out that they are the two people involved in the OP's opening post in the first place... but the subject is good.
However I'm going to quote here:
Heidi:
My ex husband and I were married after a few years of dating and a year of engagement. All that time spent getting to know each other, learning about likes and dislikes and yet in the end I cannot say it was a meaningful relationship for both of us. I may have wanted it to be but it never evolved into a 1 + 1 = more than 2
My love and I have decided to continue moving forward for we can do little else but be true to our own feelings and sense of what is "right" for us. We know that there will be those who cannot understand why we choose to move so quickly.
Melo:
I read a lot of "negative" comments, based on fear, suggesting that it "makes sense" to "take it slow". Essentially, the "reason" to take it slow is because of what might go wrong...
She didn't say "should we wait?", but rather, what do people perceive as the POSITIVE benefit of imposing "taking it slow" to the ultimate re.lationship.
We were just wondering about that. Heidi asked, when we were together last weekend, what it is that people think will be gained by keeping emotions in check, imposing some sort of timetable in allowing feelings to flow. I should add, that Heidi and I haven't "rushed" to get married or live together. The "proceeding" with love, has to be with being open about feelings, and discussing the "what ifs?" with a positive expectation of where we believe we're going.
Ok... so now I'm going to ask here, if you're both so intent on your concept of "not taking it slow", and how you "choose to move so quickly"....
"I should add, that Heidi and I haven't "rushed" to get married or live together."
Uh... WHY NOT? What are you waiting for??? C'mon, you love each other! Move in already, get married!!!! I mean, Heidi *flat out stated* in her opening post how she dated her ex-husband for a few years and then got married, and it didn't become what she wanted (ie "1+1=more than 2"), and now she doesn't see the the point of waiting or taking it slow....
"All that time spent getting to know each other, learning about likes and dislikes and yet in the end I cannot say it was a meaningful relationship..."
So, uh, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? Why aren't you living together already? Married yet?? After all, you are extolling the virtue of "not taking it slow", aren't you??
"The "proceeding" with love, has to be with being open about feelings, and discussing the "what ifs?" with a positive expectation of where we believe we're going."
... Hmm.. why does that sound *EXACTLY* like Heidi's opening comment of:
"All that time spent getting to know each other, learning about likes and dislikes..."
???
In what way exactly does "being open about feelings, discussing the 'what ifs'" not equate to "getting to know each other, learning about likes and dislikes" ???? They sound pretty much the same to me... | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/24/2007 4:37:03 PM | | sometimes taking it slow and very wisely is the best thing that ever happened and sometimes being spontainius is the best answer. What is right under the individual situation is best.True being open to feelings, caring about the other person in the picture is for the best and what quality time is put into it. Sometimes combustion happens without planning.... | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/24/2007 4:42:01 PM | ^ Oh, I know if I edit that its going to screw up the quotes... but... my post was "agressive", but I was trying to point out the dichotomy of their *own* statements...
my point being, it sounds like the OP & Melo are simply taking it at the pace that *they* are comfortable with as a couple... and perhaps their friends/relatives/whatever *think* they are "moving too quick"...
...to that, I'd have to say, to hell with what anyone else thinks. Its about the relationship between the two of you, and you should take it at the pace you feel comfortable with. And, personally, to anyone who feels they want to move "slow" in a relationship, go for it... why would *I* personally care, if I'm not the one with you trying to build a relationship? Why would you (OP/Melo) or anyone else?
Somehow this thread sounds a lot like "this is what I think is right, and if you don't agree you are 'negative'". Yeah, whatever. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/24/2007 5:13:39 PM | gotta agree with you forums1. If they arent living together or getting married,....how fast are they really going?
I mean he's 57 and shes 44 ...if they want to jump into a sexual relationship with each other, they are old enough to make those choices. I am surprised the relatives are even making any comment at all. Unless they know something we don't? LOL | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/24/2007 5:29:56 PM | I think its the...
....makes my heart melt, my skin get goose bumps and my mind reels from his insight that I would express my interest in a very real way. So I find someone on here who just by reading what he has to say I start feeling some of those things.... a few weeks of phone calls, emails, etc. and we meet. It was as if I have been walking towards him my whole life. Being with him in every way feels completely natural and I know he is "the one" I have been searching for.
...I haven't found that...and most haven't so that is why they are still searching. Most will post on here and say TAKE IT SLOW, but when face to face with the above, they wont.
ROCK ON
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/24/2007 6:19:47 PM |
(OP) The only way to slow us down would be to deny the feelings each of us have for each other and I think that would be a far greater injustice to ourselves and the act of providence that brought us together.
I agree 100%. It is an injustice to fight against or deny those feelings and that's what I interpret "taking it slow" to mean.
More than a few posters have advocated the going slow approach (on different threads concerning different relationships) and others have questioned what, exactly, taking it slow means. To me, it means denying those feelings.
I agree with you that taking it slow does not guarantee success. If anything, the opposite results. If one desires to take it slow there has to be a reason, a doubt, a feeling something is not quite right. At the very least the attraction is not as strong as it could be.
My partner was 34 and I 43 when we met. I do not recall how soon we were intimate but it was relatively soon and within six months we had purchased a home and moved in together. A few people expressed it was rather quick.  That was 11 years ago.
IMO, the strong feelings two people have in the beginning are there for a reason. Our natural aversion to change, to the unknown, is supressed allowing both to openly discover each other. Going slow, deliberately stifling those feelings, squandering those precious months and weeks and days, is a sin.
All the best to you and Melo. Keep your minds closed to insidious doubt and let them be open to soar above the clouds and gently drift back to a paradise on earth.  | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/24/2007 6:39:42 PM | | My opinion about takeing it slow...twice I leaped before studying...and it got me in a tumble..I dont like to be put on the spot...however, long distance is even harder...cuz ya really dont get to know the whole person,,,,however,I have meet somebody on here that does seem to keep my attention...not sure why...but she does....but at the same time...I still have this slow,take my time thing....I want my next ltr...to be my last...and hers as well...and for those of you that think jumpin right in is athe best thing....hollar at me when you get your feeling blown out of the water...I hope it doent happen to ya..cuz it isnt fun at all!!! | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/24/2007 6:54:35 PM | | For me taking it slow means 1 - 2 months max before some sort of intimacy should be taking place. Notice I said some sort of. But it has to be something or the relationship is over. Why? Because I am up front about dating only and no marriage. Monogamous dating - fine..but no sex (of some sort) after 2 months equal no more dating. I've only ever ended a relationship once due to this, and then she admitted (after lying) that she only wanted to date, actually wanted marriage to give herself, I was through...ya lied, suckered me in and gambled I would take the plunge and you lost... and as a no pressure easy going, but direct person, I beleive its worked for me. Other people have varying limits and I respect that as well. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/24/2007 7:51:38 PM |
It is an injustice to fight against or deny those feelings and that's what I interpret "taking it slow" to mean.
Dave has it exactly right.
For those, like forum1, who question why we haven't moved into together or gotten married, Heidi mentioned logistics in her post. We live 150 miles apart. It's "close enough" to spend most of the weekends together, and on rare occasions, see each other during the week.
Letting feelings flow is propelling us towards integrating our lives, but doing so "responsibly" in terms of my job. Transferring to a location near to where she is, is a process, that has to be worked through. It's not "taking it slow" artificially. It's dealing with the realities of life responsibly. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/24/2007 9:32:03 PM | Heidi asked, in her original post,
So please help me to understand why so many mature adults think "taking it slow" lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship? I guess a relationship can be deep and meaningful from day one. That's fine. Have all the deep and meaningful you want. lol. Whatever.
What these mature adults in your life, Heidi, probably wanted to say to you, (but were being nice in their choice of wording), was "taking it slow lends itself to seeing if it is a relationship that can last!!" Their "deep and meaningful" wording probably meant, "can it last or is it just the fun of finding someone to -play house with- for awhile". You are bouncing around with excitement that you have found "THE ONE"... you met online, talked a bit on the phone, and are now spending weekends together... ok. Enjoy that. Your friends are merely cautioning you that this is all great, whoopee happy for ya, but whoa.. go a bit slower for it to be deep and meaningful. Translation: go a bit slower to make sure he is right for the long haul.
But then, maybe you don't really care about the long haul and the goosebump thrill of the 'now' is enough? That's cool, your choice. His choice. Whatever.
MeloFelo, your chiming in with posts that said "I assume she means this...." was deceitful to us. You weren't "assuming"... you KNEW, because you were the man and the situation she was talking about. You sort of played a little game there with us. What other games do you play? Don't come back with something like "oh I don't play games", because you DID. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/24/2007 11:01:32 PM | I just think it was their way of 'Coming Out' and with a curiosity about what the general pof community thought about their issue of the day "Are they moving too fast?"
You both seem very mature adults, moving forward with your eyes open, but more importantly, with your spirits open. I congratulate your bravery and acceptance of all the positive possibilities.
Take it where it goes, with consideration for the children involved, tho I haven't seen any red flags there and.... enjoy your budding love.
While there are few guarantees in this life other than birth, death and struggle.
Concern, love and respect for another human being is what makes it worth living. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/24/2007 11:13:38 PM | Why does it matter if we are mature or not? Maturity does not guarantee whether we will always make the "right" decisions. I think it would behooves us to take one day at a time instead of allowing our initial feelings to take over our life. One just gets so caught up in the feeling that our decisions at times aren't the best ones for us.
In life it's all about chances. It is up to each respective individual(s) to determine what is best for them. Does it guarantee that it will be the best decision if we take it slow or move a faster pace? Absolutely not!
Love is a beautiful thing, but at times it can blur our thought-processes or what we think is Love.
All the best,
P.S. I say act as you/your partner feel is right for you! Different strokes for different folks/scenarios. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/25/2007 4:51:44 AM | Because people takes time to get to know.
Is that process ever complete, really? In one sense, I don't think it takes all that long, really, to have a "sense" of someone, especially if you are intensely and intimately spending time together, and talking with each other in a way, where you are totally focused on each other. In another sense, in a relationship it isn't "who" someone is, as a separate entity, as much, as who each person is as part of a greater "us". That is something that, ideally, continues to evolve.
IMO, part of a fearful response to life is to think that the other person can "give" you a "relationship", and that whether the relationship is good or bad depends on the other person. In reality, neither person can determine more than 50% of the relationship, and what the relationship is, depends on the contributions of each.
I think we all know, that a kind word tends to engender positive responses, and criticism is more likely to engender distance and invites a less than loving response. The point of that is, the "sense" of another is NOT a long process, but determining the future is something that is 1/2 mine to "do".
Knowing myself, and based on that knowledge, being attentive to what I can do to build her up, encourage her, and seek to do those things that make it possible for her to find happiness are "mine to do" and those are the things I need to pay attention to, rather than falling into the illusion of focusing on my "wants" first. In fact, when it's "right", as this is, her happiness becomes mine as part of "us", and vice versa.
As a general observation of couples I know, who have found long and sustaining love, it is that they, for the most part, are focused on taking care of each other, rather than demanding to be taken care of. It might be counter intuitive, but when I have done that, it always brings "more", rather than the dysfunctional "compromise" of selfish focus.
So those who caution about the future, are "right" in the sense that many things can go "wrong", but I am responsible for our future, in terms of my half of things. No matter how long, or how well, I get to know Heidi, it has less to do with knowing our future, than doing what's mine to do, to make her life the best it can be, and in trusting her essence, to be focused much the same, in wanting to do what's hers to do, to make us all we can be.
It's "simple" really. I "could" follow the illusion of "protecting myself", by holding back how much of me I'll give, in the errant belief that it's her responsibility to "make" me feel "safe", or I can choose, as I have, to freely give myself to her, and accept her gift of her to me, and for each of us to view the future with joy and hope and a determination to make "us" together, more than we could ever be as separate entities. That's the 1+1 = more than 2 paradigm, that resonates in my soul, that the bible promises. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/25/2007 5:31:25 AM | Something puzzles me about this "going slow" idea. People talk about getting hurt but doesn't it hurt wanting to be close to someone and deliberately not doing so?
"I really want to be with that person. I miss them. I want to go to sleep with them and wake up with them but, hey, I'll just forget about it for a while." How does that work? How does one deliberately not do what they feel like doing, without having any specific reason, and not feel hurt? It seems like that's deliberately hurting oneself. 
I can understand if one is talking about selling their home or as Melo said, "Transferring to a location near to where she is, is a process, that has to be worked through" but those things do not prevent two people from being together in other ways and at other times. Even when two homes are involved one can rent their home for a year and live with the other.
It seems the concern about the so-called "rushing in" has more to do with feelings than anything else. If two people truly cared for each other wouldn't they be just as hurt on breakup regardless of how slow or fast things moved unless one purposely avoided contact and intentionally sought out differences so as to willfully add tension and discord to the relationship.
My partner and I purchased a home less than five months after meeting for the first time. While we were waiting for occupancy scheduled for the following month those nasty doubts started to creep in.
"What happens if we don't get along", she asked.
"We both move out and either rent or sell the house", I replied. "We can put it up for sale and rent it until we get a fair price. That will cover the mortgage."
So my question is, "What is so devastating about rushing in?" Rather than being miserable and continually missing being with each other what possible catastrophe can justify denying two people the euphoria of being together and the resultant, almost super-human, energy they will have available to put into building a life together?
It is easier to work out differences when just starting a relationship if people do not drag it out or try to dampen the feeling. The euphoria of being together counteracts ones natural ego. Is it more important to get ones way or to be together?
Compromises and learning about each other is smoothed over by their passion. All the silly, ridiculous and absurd things, whether it be which corner of the living room to put the TV set or what is the ideal time for dinner , get all the attention (or lack thereof) they deserve when two people utilize that special time. | |
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| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/25/2007 8:29:47 AM | ' Heidi ' . .
Taking it slow ensures that two people get to know each other better than meeting for a drink , a dance , and a dive into bed . . !!
If the intent is a Meaningful relationship , time is the most important thing that can be Invested . . !!!
Even moving-in together can happen quickly . . and still be able to work on and explore a Good relationship . . !!!
The important thing, then , is being Open , Honest and Sincere about how each other feel about _Everything_ . . !!
I'm still looking for another chance to have that . . again . . for the Last time . . !!! | |
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