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| single dad in need of advice
Posted: 8/31/2007 12:49:03 AM | By the way
How do you take care of your kids on and off? Who has them during your off times??And why?? | |
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| single dad in need of advice
Posted: 8/31/2007 10:56:13 PM | Good job man,their should be more of us men taking charge of their kids!I've had sole custody of my 4 chilren for 5 years now, it's great and hard.She made big mistakes and i did what's best for my kids.I went to court and gained sole custody!I ever talk to their mom,but untill i know she is ready to re-enter thier live's i'll keep her out.They need to feel secure and wanted,with somebody bouncing in and out of thier lives will not do them any good!Keep up the good work! | |
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| single dad in need of advice
Posted: 9/1/2007 8:43:48 AM | Wow, I just finished a visit to my son's father this summer and I am only just now picking up the pieces of my son's heart and my heart off the floor where he kicked them and smashed them. I organized the trip with help from my son's family on the information that dad had gotten better and was ready for a visit. My son was slightly willing to go, he's 7. We went and looking back on the experience, I have decided that we were both verbally/mentally abused by him. Since we have been back, my son has been so angry, depressed and behaviorally struggling. He asked me if we could never go back to see his dad. I promised him we would never have to (we were never married and no official papers have been filed about visitation). It was horrible not only for him, but for me. We both had the rug taken out from underneath us and neither of us deserve to be treated that way.
You must make these decisions based on what is best for YOU and your children. It's like what the stewardess says, "The adult must put on their oxygen first before their child." If you don't do what is best for you, you can't do what is best for your child. Good luck, llea | |
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| single dad in need of advice
Posted: 9/1/2007 7:28:36 PM | | excuse me, first of all, the plan was for the whole family to move together. she decided to stay behind and live with some no good so called friends of mine, and told me she would be down in a month. she ended up cheating on me with this guy's friend and then acted like i was the blame for things falling apart for her. she doesn't work, she has been living off ssi for over 12 years. and excuse me, did you read anything i have to said or are you some bitter male basher. she was a drug addict and chose that over her kids. and she has two other kids prior to meeting me she gave up on too. so, i'm not sure what you are seeing but you are being pretty judgemental of me and don't know me. i would never teach my kids to disrespect her, but i admit my feelings have gotten in the way at times. oh, and she doesn't have to pay child support because she doesn't work, she gets ssi which doesnt' count. i don't know what your problem is, but don't try to take it out on me. no matter how upset i get, i humble myself and allow her back in. as it is, i still love her, and in spite of everything, i wish we could work things out and actually be a happy, healthy family. my kids deserve it. you're funny though. do you have kids? is the father around? why so bitter? i'm doing my best to raise our kids, with little to no help from her half the time. by the way, she moved after i drove back to get her because she couldn't get to us. i drove 12 hours by the way. i never wanted to leave without her, she was there when we left and we all asked her to reconsider. we had no where else to go, we had to move. she knew what the plan was, it wasn't some manipulation or an act of disrespect. like i said, i still love her in spite of everything. i know i have done wrong, and that is why i have always let her back in, with hopes that i could fix things. the problem is, it takes two, she has to change to. i'm far from spiteful, we have both done our fair share, but the kids deserve better. i'm still here, she has left, several times, and the kids suffer. i'm a grown man, the kids are the ones affected the most. remember, stay focused, the children. i'm not going anywhere. oh, and by the way, i'm all they have, half the time i can't or don't know how to reach her in case of any type of emergency. so, again, it's about the kids. | |
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| single dad in need of advice
Posted: 9/1/2007 7:33:19 PM | | in regards to sweetcar99 question on 8/31/07 at 3:49, i take care of them. i don't really have anyone to help me on a regular basis. my mom was all i had until she died almost three years ago. so, i take care of them the best way that i can. how does a single mother do it? you make it sound like a man can't be a single parent. surprise!!!! | |
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| single dad in need of advice
Posted: 9/1/2007 10:47:13 PM | | First off man I know exactly where you are coming from. I am going through it right now just not as bad. Unfoturnately this is one of these things that is more along the lines of follow your head and not your heart. In the long run what is it going to do to you and your kids is it going to make them resent her for leaving and then coming back and leaving again, or are they going to be mad at you for letting her do it to them. I dont want to tell you what to do, or how to run your life man but in my mind the well being of my kids wether it be physically or mentally comes before anything else, not me not their mother not anything. My ex is still envolved in their life but only because I didnt get full custody. She fills my sons head full of so much B.S. its not funny and all I can do is sit there and deal with it because the courts dont want to do anything about it, and I am tired of throwing money away that I can be spending on my kids so I just deal with it on my own. But if you have full custody and it was me in your shoes, I would have to tell her that it was over and to stop playing games with her childrens heads. I can understand someone doing it to another adult, but its just wrong to willingly do it to your kids. If you want to ask anything else just send me a message. I hope it helps you make a decision. | |
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| single dad in need of advice
Posted: 9/1/2007 11:03:15 PM | | I am a single mother that is going through the same thing. I have 3 kids ages 14, 13, and 2. My oldest 2 have the same father or ( sperm downer ) as i call him. When we split up our kids were 2 and 3. The 3 year old would cry for his father all the time. I would take him over to his house and tell him that his son wanted to spend some time with him and he would tell me that he didn't have time for them. He did not work so he had all day, but he would not have anything to do with his sons. I tried for years to get him to have something to do with his kids, but nuthing. And he lived 2 blocks from us for about a year. He would come by to see his kids only when he found out i was not seeing anyone. Now after 11 years he only comes to get them when he wants to impress a woman. To make this story short he has popped in and out of there lives every 2 to 3 years. I let my kids make up there own minds about him. They love him becouse he is there Father, but they don't like him to much. My oldest son wrote a report in school about a year or two ago and it was on his heroe. He wrote it about me, becouse i have always been there for him. I don't always let my kids talk to him it is my call. And for the record i have recived $50 in childsupport in 11 years so i know how much of a berdon it can be. | |
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| single dad in need of advice
Posted: 9/2/2007 1:14:53 AM | | Your kids won't miss what isn't there. the broken promises hurt more then no promise at all. Move on and find a good female role model for your kids even if it's family or friend. But they are living like yo yo's and that is going to damage them more then if you cut it clean. Good luck and God bless. | |
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| single dad in need of advice
Posted: 9/2/2007 2:11:59 AM | Itzdatsimple, chorus' and trumpets, man.
Keep on truckin`, doing what's right for those kids. They didn't ask for a mom who can't see past the end of her rig, and they're damn lucky to have a dad who gives them his love and care, instead of them being sent to an adoption family or into state's custody.
They deserved two loving parents.
They still have one. And what you do with that is up to you.
Kids do best when they have access to both parents. However (coma) in the event one parent is unfit, or highly unstable, it would (my opinion) be best to keep your children away until such time that their mother can show signs of sobriety and a genuine desire to contribute to the care of the children. No child should be exposed to people who use narcotics of that nature. NEVER. EVER. But, it sounds like she hasn't a clue as to what's right or wrong to do in life, to begin with. And since I hear all too often how so and so's kids don't see dad because he's such a pathetic loser, well, maybe this is the side of that coin that turned upright for a change. People make mistakes. You can make a thousand mistakes. JUST TRY NOT TO REPEAT THEM, is the key. Sounds like you've admitted your own transgressions and you're moving forward with your life. What more could anyone expect of you. You've made a change for the better, for you, AND for your kids. Because you're feeling some guilt doesn't mean you need to jeapordize your kids welfare. I'm a firm believer in equal access to children in divorce, unless one parent is a detriment to the child, and as unfortunate as this may be, I think she fits the bill. If one of my own family was doing crack in front of their kids, I'd do everything in my power to remove the kids or have them removed. If you asked my opinion, I'd say you allow her her distance to "sow her oats" and use caution when she wants to come around. Given her past, I'd be asking for drug rehab or treatment for substance abuse in order to have full, unsupervised custody/contact. If not, the kids could become another means for her to support her habit. And if I understand correctly, people who smoke crack dont' really think of others first, others like their kids.
SOMEONE has to stand up for the kids. Go You  | |
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| single dad in need of advice
Posted: 9/2/2007 5:47:07 AM | | i guess one of my biggest problems is, i still love her and wish we could work something out. i haven't dated anyone in over 12 years and wouldn't know how to approach it. i don't have to many friends and no real family close to me. it is just me and my kids and sometimes it gets overwhelming. i would like a woman in my life, but don't want to kids to think i am just trying to replace their mom. i get lonely too, i don't really have anyone to even talk to about anything, or watch the kids to get some my time. i wish there was some kind of support groups for single parents that i could join or just meet some good people who i could talk to. any comments or suggestions? | |
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| single dad in need of advice
Posted: 9/2/2007 6:26:32 AM | I haven't read through ALL of the replies, so I'm not sure how much of what I say will be a repeat. First, do not put down your ex in front of your kids. EVER! No matter how bad of a mother she is, your kids need to believe that she loves them. You CAN tell them that she loves them but has problems she needs to concentrate on that make it difficult for her to show them how much she loves them. Let them know that her problems are not your fault or theirs, and none of you can solve them for her. Also teach them that they must accept that she may never learn how to handle her problems, but that doesn't mean she doesn't love them. With her messed up background and messed up mind right now...the fact that she makes any attempt to stay in their lives shows that she does care about them. I am speaking from experience and that is what I told my kids. I didn't lie to them about what was going on, but I did try to make them feel loved by both of us and help them understand that their father had problems that made him act unreliable and even irresponsible, and they needed to realize that and not take it personally. They are older now. They feel sorry for him, and while they have little to do with him, they don't hate him, and have thanked me for helping them understand it is HIS problem and HIS addiction. Its hard, I know, to be a good parent. BTW, I was in an interracial marriage too and my parents disowned me because of it. We have alot in common, you and I.
Second, crack addiction is an extremely hard thing to overcome. Most of the people I know who are addicted to it, including my ex, have never been able to overcome it. It changes them. They seem to lose all sense of reasoning. She probably does believe that she is doing the right thing by her kids by letting you have custody of them and staying out of their lives for the most part. In a sense, she is right. She isn't constantly exposing them to her addiction and irresponsible behavior...so she is "saving" them from herself. In the process, she is also hurting them, but much less than having them watch her destroy herself daily. My ex used to say the same thing. You are also right to not trust her . Crack addicts can do some really stupid things that make no sense to anyone but themselves at the time, and she could put your kids in danger without even thinking about it. Been there, done that too. Stop blaming yourself for not being perfect and for making mistakes. We all do. That is not her problem, that is her excuse. The crack is her problem, and not having had a childhood that allowed her to really understand how to be a good parent. No matter how much you love her, you can't change her. You can continue to pray for her...but be warned...the odds are that she will not change. Still, its not impossible.
Finally, you are in a hard situation. There is no solution that will not have some kind of negative effect on your children. The best you can do is minimize the hurt as much as possible and be their rock that they can count on. This means being kind and patient and loving, being their role model, even when you want to explode from the frustration and exhaustion of dealing with her. Be straight with them, but be kind about it. Do what you feel is in their best interest, include them in the decision if you can and let them have a say when possible. Never fully shut the door unless that is what they want. In the end, they will respect you and love you for it. Good luck to you all and if you'd like to stay in touch, feel free to email me. I'd be happy to talk with you, I've been there. BTW, I'm in NC too and that's part of the reason why I moved down here. So I also know how hard it is to start over alone without a support system. | |
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| single dad in need of advice
Posted: 9/2/2007 10:16:46 AM | First off, itzdatsimple, I am very sorry to hear about your situation and it has to be very difficult to feel helpless as to your childrens relationship with their mother. My brother's real father only came into the picture when he thought it made him look good. He missed out on my brother's B-days, other holidays, and even times of hospitalization. My mother gave him the choice to decide whether or not to include his father in his life. In due time, your children will see her for what she really is and decide not to want a part of it all without resenting you for keeping her from them. HOWEVER, DO NOT let her come and stay in the home and try to "play house" again knowing upfront how it will turn out.... that can be detramental to everyone involved.... but, if she wants to spend time with them independently, I say let them see her true colors. Good luck hun!!!
Liz | |
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| single dad in need of advice
Posted: 9/2/2007 1:22:51 PM | Hiya,
My name is Clare, single mother of a ten year old boy. had and am still dealing with a similar situation with my son's father. My advice is to let her drift in and out of your childrens lives becasuse if you don't, ultimately one day they will turn around and say to you 'why dad, did you not let us have a relationship with our mom' I know it's hard to see your children constantly let down and hurt, but really you should never stop the contact as long as they want it, and they have to be allowed to make their own minds up about what kind of person she is. Sounds like at some point in the future they will realise who their 'rock' is and it won't be mom. You also need to try to take a step back and rise above any frustrations and arguements she causes, take it from someone who knows you will become the better person by being 'nice' to her in your childrens eyes. If you can't keep your cool you should try to arrange that her contact with the children does not have to be via you. I bought my son a cell phone purely for his father to call him on so we no longer need to have contact. hang in there, it will get easier, but you have to let the children choose for themselves or you're storing up problems for the future x Good luck x x x x | |
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| single dad in need of advice
Posted: 9/3/2007 5:10:23 AM | Children need to feel safe, secure and have stability in their life. It sounds as if you are their stability. Of course they are going to be confused when their mother pops in and out of their life whenever she chooses to do so. It sounds as if she has repeated herself before with her 2 older children, so why would she change this time? You stated that you have talked to her and "she doesn't want to take any responsibility for HER/YOUR children?" There is your answer, plain and simple. It sounds as if she hasn't even found herself - let alone being a mother. I would advise her on this and tell her how it is affecting the children. It sounds as if she is very selfish. It sounds if she needs therapy to figure out what she wants??? When you become a parent you cannot be selfish period. I as a single mother am dedicated to my children, they come first --- before anyone or anything, they are my responsiblity! I chose to have children and also love being a parent. Fortunately, their father is very hands on too.
Have you talked to the children to find out their feelings on the situation? Talk to the children - it is they that are suffering. Move on with your life and theirs to make it the best possible scenario - they are only children for a short time and deserve a healthy childhood. You are asking/seeking advice which is great. Also, talk to the professionals i.e. your lawyer, doctor, child psychologist.... they can give you some very valuable advice. These are your children your talking about. I hope this helps! | |
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| single dad in need of advice
Posted: 9/3/2007 5:57:33 AM | | There is a group called "parents without partners". Do a google search and see if there is a chapter in your area. Its not a support group or anything like that. It is a means for single parents to get together and do activities. They have activities that involve the children and some that don't. It's a great way to meet people and you will make a lot of friends that way!!! | |
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| single dad in need of advice
Posted: 9/23/2007 1:20:44 PM | | You have got to put your foot down--hard. It seems like you need some real "crazy glue" to hold that foot down. I had that happen for a 3 month period of time. I moved quickly. A Little drastic you might say..Now that we have a 650 miles distance between us--she's shown her real colors.... | |
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| single dad in need of advice
Posted: 9/23/2007 5:10:23 PM | sorry to hear of your situation i can totaly understand it though i am a single mom and have the same situation with my sons dad for a long time it really stinks
his dad has not seen him now for a year and i think it might be better that way my son does not even know what daddy means
his dad does the same shows up now and then or calls only when he wants something from me. for myself i really want to just change my phone # so he can't contact me anymore but no matter what a pathetic excuse for a father he is. he is still my sons father so i haven't cut contact with him.
if you could maybe that would be the best thing to just cut contact with there mother
but that is a really hard decision to make no matter what the circumstances | |
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| single dad in need of advice
Posted: 9/23/2007 7:18:10 PM | | Iam in the same boat as you i belive the best thing for you and your kids is to cut the ties stop letting her back in your lives its no good foir the kids and you it gives them false hope and messes up your head and thats just not good for anyone.if the kids ask to talk with her then let them if they dont ask and shes calling dont answer the phone. youll allbe better off .i was a good husband my wife was the unfaithfull one and she chose to let her kids remember it was her chose to sbandon her kids not yours cut her out of the picture i know easier said then done but keep trying good luck | |
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