| Helping himself to my computer...............
Posted: 8/29/2007 10:49:49 AM | From the responses ive seen, OP, it looks like the best idea is to not leave someone in your house while you go to work. Next time ask our opinions on this before you do it, it will save you a bunch of reaming, well deserved, from fellow forumites....  | |
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| Helping himself to my computer...............
Posted: 8/29/2007 11:20:48 AM |
My laptop isn't just an appliance like a toaster for me - it's my hi fi (not that hi!), DVD player, office, file store and playground. Was the sensitive status of the computer discussed before the OP left the intimacy partner/total stranger in charge of her home and grass-clipping for the day? Probably not. It should not be expected of romantic partners to read their partner's mind. Not everyone looks at a computer as such a personal item. Some people do, some people don't. Don't make ASS-U-mptions.
Of course the bigger issues are leaving a total stranger in one's home, not establishing the proper trust and comfort levels beforehand, and communicating what exactly is and is not appropriate. | |
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| Helping himself to my computer...............
Posted: 8/29/2007 12:19:43 PM |
Probably not. It should not be expected of romantic partners to read their partner's mind. Not everyone looks at a computer as such a personal item. Some people do, some people don't. Don't make ASS-U-mptions.
Oh, please! It's not their property--and since it's not, they absolutely should not assume that it's OK to use it. If they want to use it, they should ask first.
Shoot, I might have a nice lil sports car sitting in the drive with the keys in it...they should assume it's OK to drive it? No, no they should not. That car may have something wrong with it and since I'm the owner, I don't have to put a sign on it stating that there's something wrong with it. If they were to drive it (without asking) and something were to happen to them, that'd be OK, too? Nope, screw that crap because it's just plain wrong. If something does not belong to you, it's not okay to assume that "it's okay" to use it. | |
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| Helping himself to my computer...............
Posted: 8/29/2007 12:51:39 PM | | You should never leave anyone alone at your house unless you know them WELL. I do think it was rude to say the least. Computers have a lot of private information on them, and even if he thought it was OK to get on the computer he should have stopped and called you when it was unplugged. | |
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| Helping himself to my computer...............
Posted: 8/29/2007 1:00:18 PM | | Obviously lots of people view this differently. I guess because all my kids and their friends use my computer when I am not around and at work I share a computer, I just don't view this as the same as a car. Mind you, a car has keys and I would be able to hold on to the keys or hand them out as I saw fit. Much like a password key. I keep my private info in a private account with a password so its the INFORMATION that is private not the MACHINE which holds it. The computer is just a machine to me like any other household or office appliance. | |
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| Helping himself to my computer...............
Posted: 8/29/2007 1:01:14 PM | | No doubt it wasnt right for this person to get onto her computer, just as it wasnt smart at all of her to let him stay over there, but i think she has the point by now... | |
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| Helping himself to my computer...............
Posted: 8/29/2007 1:10:54 PM | No, I don't blame you for feeling that way at all. In the future I suggest taking the power cord with you so that someone would actually have to go buy another one if he wanted to use your computer. Knowing most guys, however, he probably never realized that it would offend you at all. I know that I've always asked before using someone else's computer but I'm just a gentleman like that.
I used to leave my ex-girlfriend at my place alone. After awhile she confessed that she had searched through my files and letters to see if I'd been cheating on her. I felt very violated by this as well. But, then I thought about her past and how many guys had cheated on her. I figured at least she had the courtesy to tell me about it and that she obviously hadn't found anything incriminating anyway.
Ed | |
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| Helping himself to my computer...............
Posted: 8/29/2007 1:13:59 PM | I find it interesting that you felt so "violated" when this man used your computer....yet he was at your home all day with every opportunity to sniff your underwear, dress up in your favorite lingerie, and prance around your house like a fairy...
I'm just saying...lol
I think that if you feel comfortable enough with this guy to leave him at your place all alone and expect him to mow your lawn, then I would think you two were close enough for him to use your computer. I wouldn't doubt for one second that he thought it would be ok for him to watch tv, eat, and even play on the computer since he was stuck all alone at your place. I guess you thought he would just sit there and watch the wall all day long...and oh yea, mow the lawn... 
What did you really expect him to do all day at your place?? | |
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| Helping himself to my computer...............
Posted: 8/29/2007 1:17:35 PM | | edward1224, I had something similar happen. My ex fiance is an accomplished hacker and actually hacked my email. I didn't find out till about 6 months later when we had guests over for dinner and the couple were arguing about this very subject and he piped up and said he had done it to me, as bold as brass. I was totally shocked. He looked at me with those puppy dog eyes and said..."well I had to be sure". I did feel weird about it, but like you I figured, he at least did come clean and tell me and somehow it didn't feel important anymore. I have nothing to hide...I am an open book when I am in a relationship, | |
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| Helping himself to my computer...............
Posted: 8/29/2007 1:29:31 PM | So... am I supposed to call for permission before I watch the television?
I don't understand how a computer is comparable to a sports car. At most it's a high end entertainment center coupled with a filing cabinet. (Mine is, anyway. Home made and wonderful). A sports car is much more expensive, and is generally registered to your name by the government.
I would generally assume that any woman who knew me well enough to leave me in her home by myself for what sounds like a great length of time would tell me if some common household item was off limits.
It's not like the guy was going through your underpants drawer. Maybe it's a technology generation gap... but I don't understand what there is to get worked up about. It is not at all difficult to secure sensitive information, and the man was left alone with no instructions.
You cannot expect a partner, especially a newer partner, to anticipate your expectations.
Saying, "Hey, my computer has sensitive information on it, and I'd prefer it if you didn't use it." is much, much, much more mature than unplugging it and assuming he'll get the message.
Now, on his end... he should have phoned you and asked. I'll give you that. We men generally assume that everyone thinks the way we do. Some of us have managed to train ourselves to break that habit. Chances are he assumed that it wasn't a big deal to look up directions on your computer and assumed that you'd feel the same way.
I'm glad that you didn't go off on him. That was good self control. (If I'd been yelled at over something like this early on in a relationship I would see it as a huge red flag for personality/value clash, and I'd probably re-evaluate the relationship... but that's the whole point in dating and being open- figuring out if you match.) | |
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Jooly
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Joined: 6/15/2007
Msg: 112 | |
| Helping himself to my computer...............
Posted: 8/29/2007 1:56:51 PM | It's not like the guy was going through your underpants drawer. Maybe it's a technology generation gap... but I don't understand what there is to get worked up about. It is not at all difficult to secure sensitive information, and the man was left alone with no instructions.
Like I said, to some of us it is exactly like going through your underwear drawer. It's a personal space. It doesn't matter that the fact I own a couple of pairs of pink knickers is not sensitive information - it's just not appropriate to look. If a guy I trusted wanted to know if he could borrow some anti-perspirant, I would be happy to direct him to go to my underwear drawer and get it, but I wouldn't feel happy if he decided to just go looking there, however innocuously. In the same way, I wouldn't feel happy if a guy just assumed it was okay to use my computer. And I wouldn't expect to have to declare my knicker drawer off-limits before leaving the house.
I doubt that's a generation gap problem, since you're just a year younger than me. In fact, I would have expected us youngsters to be *more* not less protective of our computers, since we're more accustomed to using, modifying and personalising them from a younger age (in general), while for many older users they are indeed just another appliance.
Couldn't he have just sat and watched TV/DVDs or raided her bookshelf? Or just sent her a text message to check it was okay to use the machine? | |
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| Helping himself to my computer...............
Posted: 8/29/2007 2:00:44 PM | A toaster, an appliance…
How many of you keep your cash in your toaster or your checkbook in the microwave? The problem here is not the use of a toaster without permission, it that someone who’s relatively new person in your life, snooping thru your personal information that your personal computer contains. Not many toasters contain a social security number or credit card information.
Also, not everyone only uses a computer as a Gameboy. The comparison of a personal computer with a toaster, tv, or a sports car shows very little understanding of the real problem here.
When someone steals technology, they hardly steal the computer, they take the info. Those of you who talk about him cutting the grass. What does that have to do with invasion of privacy? It would seem to me that the grass not being cut was not what upset you. And whether or not you had intimacy with a person is irrelevant.
The comment, “…huge red flag for personality/value clash, and I'd probably re-evaluate the relationship... but that's the whole point in dating and being open- figuring out if you match.)” may be good a advice, not for him to take, but for you.
“…dating and being open- figuring out if you match…”. Shouldn’t that be your decision as how and when you want to be open?
And the thought about password protection, sure, that’s a good idea, but a person normally doesn’t expect to be violated within their own home.
I’m not suggesting that you shouldn’t trust anyone. That’ extreme in the other direction, however, a good password may have avoided this whole online conversation.
vp | |
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| Helping himself to my computer...............
Posted: 8/29/2007 2:06:56 PM | Oh, please! It's not their property--and since it's not, they absolutely should not assume that it's OK to use it. If they want to use it, they should ask first. In actuality, nothing in the OP's house is that dude's property. Should he call to ask if he can take a glass out of the cupboard? Should he call her if he may tap into her public utilities and get some water out of the spigot into the glass? Should he call her if he needs to do a #2 into her toilets? Now I wouldn't use someone else's computer without asking first, but I wouldn't assume that EVERYONE thinks like me (or the OP for that matter). That's why I suggested she should talk about this incident with HIM, not US (the PoF forum junkies).
Like I said, to some of us it is exactly like going through your underwear drawer. It's a personal space.
The problem here is not the use of a toaster without permission, it that someone who’s relatively new person in your life, snooping thru your personal information that your personal computer contains. Not many toasters contain a social security number or credit card information. Um, this guy didn’t go through her panty drawer, and he didn’t purloin the OP’s personal information. He wanted to see an on-line map. You guys are making ASSUmptions. Without knowing more from the OP, all I can assume is that the OP gave this guy free run of her home and he wanted to look at an on-line map. The bigger issue obviously is the OP leaving the intimacy partner/total stranger alone in her home when she obviously had trust issues with this dude and hadn't discussed any boundaries of his behavior. | |
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| Helping himself to my computer...............
Posted: 8/29/2007 2:12:30 PM | I'm trying to think of how awesome the sex would have to be before I'd mow some woman's lawn.....
And I wouldn't expect to have to declare my knicker drawer off-limits before leaving the house.
Did you actually originate the phrase "apples and oranges"?
The funnies part of this to me was that she unplugged it..... um, DUH.... Something tells me the guy could figure out that problem without tech support..... | |
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| Helping himself to my computer...............
Posted: 8/29/2007 2:13:47 PM | Pretty, I'm going to give it to you straight.
1) Both of you seem to be poor communicators.
2) Both of you seem to have alterior motives and/or issues.
3) Both of you seem to lack the ability to follow basic principles for protecting yourself.
Sounds like a match made by Tonka Toys -- Even if it seems indestructible, keep on slammin it. It'll break.
I can't help laughing cuz it sounds like you wanted to use him for free lawn service and ended up getting used yourself. I have plenty of dirty, heavy, undesirable jobs I could use help with (and if someone did them for me that would be the bomb). I wouldn't ask for the help of a recent acquaintance and might turn it down if it was offered (cuz I have too much stubborn pride for my own good). You're a piece of work. | |
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| Helping himself to my computer...............
Posted: 8/29/2007 2:13:58 PM |
How many of you keep your cash in your toaster or your checkbook in the microwave?
not me but then I don't keep it in my computer either. Since I know how hackers work first hand, I never use online banking. Phone banking for me. Also when you need to upgrade your computer and want to get rid of the old one...all that info is still on there. Its not the safest place to keep that information. | |
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| Helping himself to my computer...............
Posted: 8/29/2007 2:25:21 PM | Password protect your computer, make a master account for you and financial matters, one for yourself for general use (because viruses have a harder time getting ahold in this lower level account) and then one for visitors.
This protects your privacy, protects you from viruses, and keeps strangers out of your business. | |
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| Helping himself to my computer...............
Posted: 8/29/2007 2:29:52 PM | A lot of people don’t keep important info in their computer, that’s true… I too know how hackers work, my profession is computer security. Whether she had bank account info or not isn’t the issue, the issue is invasion of privacy.
At the risk of getting off topic, you are right, the computer is not the safest place to keep that information. There are no absolutes here. There is not perfect place, however, it is a common place and being used more and more. Just a side note, if you want to get rif of an old computer, there is software that can do a DOJ security erase and makes it impossible (unless you’re the CIA) to recover the data.
Oh, and phone banking is not totally secure either…
Vp
Random, good advice, just a simple correction though, that doesn't protect you from a virus at all... | |
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| Helping himself to my computer...............
Posted: 8/29/2007 2:41:23 PM | Really... I think your maybe being tooo nice...maybe he sees this as weakness and so
he feels he can do whatever he wants. You didn't state how long you've been an item.
Regardless,...that's why it is a called a Personal computer. Anyways,... When you
let him stay at your house, with you not being there...you must really trust him, or
are really vulerable. He broke your trust when he decided to help himself to your
personal things. Geez...what's next ? Will he be wearing your underwear....LOL
Really you need to talk to him about your personal space. I think he sounds kinda
creepy..for putting himself on your map quest or whatever else he did....just be very
careful and watch him....something isn't right. And I say NEVER let a man go into
your home when your not there...your just asking for trouble, whether u realize it or
not. Some people can be very snoopy....or flat out steal from u. Be careful.. | |
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| Helping himself to my computer...............
Posted: 8/29/2007 2:43:43 PM | | A secure password is a good thing! I have an old computer that i will let someuse if they ask, But i dont want anyone to touch my PERSONAL computer. Tell him how you feel and see what he says. If he understands and says SORRY then he is a decent guy. If he balks about it and wants to argue about it then he's a jerk and you should go back to the drawing board. | |
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| Helping himself to my computer...............
Posted: 8/29/2007 2:55:02 PM | | I don't think we would have heard word one from this OP if he had in fact mowed her lawn like she was hoping he would .. his PC indiscretion would have been overlooked... she is just pissy because he didn't do the yard work... my opinion anyway.... | |
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| Helping himself to my computer...............
Posted: 8/29/2007 3:06:13 PM | | Geeez I read your post . And I certainly DO NOT see where sex was implied. Talk about reading between the lines. Nor did I see where you said he couldn't use the computer, he should just ASK first is all. I agree completely. Mowing the lawn would of been nice, but not expected I'm sure. | |
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| Helping himself to my computer...............
Posted: 8/29/2007 3:49:13 PM | "How many of you keep your cash in your toaster or your checkbook in the microwave?"
I currently have my check book locked in a night drop bag from the bank. I used to work there, and they had to get rid of them.
If I was concerned about people rifling through my personal financial database, I would have a password locked hidden folder with all of that information. (Or on a portable drive hidden away in a copy of a book that no one would ever read... like "Billy Bud" ...) You may not expect to have data stolen... but it's very easy to break into a home. (Seriously, lock yourself out once...) Computers are guttable and resellable... on the off chance that someone breaks in it's going to be something easily stolen.
As to whether he should have watched TV or raided the book case, I do tend to agree that it probably would have been better in this instance.
My machine is designed for multi-use, and with multi use in mind. My guests know that they can pretty much do what they like-- especially if they're bored and for some insane reason I've left them in my living space alone for a significant amount of time.
Most of my guests would also likely be happier with the entertainment experience that they'd get on my PC than they would with the crap that's on television anyhow.
I suppose that it all comes down to "different strokes for different folks." My hobbies and tenancies are such that if I'm comfortable with a guest being in my living space alone for a significant amount of time, I'm not going to feel violated if they do things to entertain themselves.
Though, and I'll admit this freely, I'd be very hesitant to leave anyone that I didn't trust with more or less every facet of my life in my space alone for a significant amount of time. My closest friends can do more or less whatever they want. I wouldn't be leaving someone in my house if I was even remotely concerned about anything they'd do there by themselves.
Well, enough on that from me... laterz.  | |
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