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| Too many red flags or am I just being too critical?
Posted: 8/28/2007 11:35:24 PM | Just curious, if being with him is "moving backwards" where is moving forward going to get you? Not slamming your choice, just interested in the fixation so many people seem have with "going somewhere" and "moving forward". As if life were some kind of race and you don't want to fall behind.
I think having a life goal is great if that is what keeps you going. Other people don't need that to get up in the morning. Life is what happens while you are working hard to "move forward". Oddly enough, life also happens when you stand still.
But I can see why you two would have issues long term. Its hard to stay motivated and working towards a goal if the people near you are not as motivated as you are (picture trying to lose weight surrounded by friends eating your favorite ice cream flavor).
So you probably aren't a good match for each other right now. Later on his/your priorities may line up better but who knows.
Also, how old is he? Most people I've met simply don't know what they want out of life and those that think they do usually end up changing their mind after they get what they thought they wanted. Just trying to say that for me life is more about the journey. I have goals and things I would like to do but I try to keep the goals broad enough so that they aren't limiting.
I guess a better question would be, "How resistant to change is he." Not how easy is it to change him, but how likely is he to decide to do something different than what he does now? Note I didn't say to decide to do what you think he should do, just to make an effort to experience something new.
If he is willing to risk the life he likes right now for a chance at an even nicer life with you, he might be worth your time.
But don't drag him along with you as dead weight. If he wants to be a part of your life make sure he will be someone who lifts you up and helps you achieve your goals even if he doesn't share them. Otherwise he will be an anchor holding you back and he will resent you for trying to change him and you will resent him for weighing you down.
lol, sorry it's so long. Done now, I promise =) | |
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| Too many red flags or am I just being too critical?
Posted: 8/29/2007 6:09:46 AM | You are not too critical..you want a man to take care of you and your children...a good man is good but you want and need more......if you want to have a man with a car, a good job, some money and some passion, then he is not for you...MOVE ON..he is not for you..you are smart to... | |
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| Too many red flags or am I just being too critical?
Posted: 8/29/2007 6:22:45 AM | I agree - move on. Maybe add within your profile in reference to your desires in a man - aka financially secure; good job; ready for a long term r-ship etc. (this) should help by letting people know upfront while reading over your profile what you expect of a man etc. I have to side with you on passing on someone who has not 'grown up' as it seems - financially & otherwise. I personally wouldn't want a woman who lives in an apartment with roomates - has a low paying job & no desire to make something of themselves someday. You saw the red flags - act accordingly  | |
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| Too many red flags or am I just being too critical?
Posted: 8/29/2007 6:37:04 AM | OP, you're in your mid-30s, I assume this guy is too...no car? Minimum wage job? No future plans or aspirations? You're better than that. And as for the room-mates - it's not the end of the world, I guess, but seriously, at his age, he doesn't even have his own place? That added to everything else makes him sound like an eternal adolescent. I mean, is he going to be a 40-year-old with room-mates? A 50-year-old with room-maters? 60? It gets less and less appealing as a guy gets older, and he doesn't seem to have any plans or means to change his situation - or any desire to.
There is nothing wrong with wanting success, and financial stability, and, most importantly, someone who has a similar level of ambition and a similar worldview to your own.
And call me a little bit old-fashioned - because I am - but when it comes to relationships I think it's much harder when the woman is the more successful, ambitious, high-earning partner in the relationship, and I think it will always be that way. It's biology, society, culture, all of those things...but I think that kind of situation puts a huge strain on a relationship. | |
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| Too many red flags or am I just being too critical?
Posted: 8/29/2007 10:56:18 AM | You share completely different lifestyles and obviously have differing life goals. That in and of itself are the "red flag" and major deal breakers.
Unless you step down your quality of life and put aside some of your life goals or he steps up his it's doomed from the start. It has little to do with actual money as it does with LIFESTYLE and LIFE GOALS! So those saying it's "all about money" aren't on the right page.
The two top factors in picking a mate should be LIFESTYLES and LIFE GOALS. I've seen far to many relationships fall apart because the two parties involved differed on those topics. He wants to live in the city. She want a huge house in the burbs. He's a complete pig. She's a neat freak. He doesn't want children. She wants a huge family. He thinks sitting in front of the TV all day is fun. She thinks partying until 4 AM, drunk as a skunk is fun. He's a penny-pincher. She's a shopoholic in serious financial debt. Etc., etc., etc. DEAL BREAKERS. It's not going to work.
Case closed.
Happy fishing.  | |
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| Too many red flags or am I just being too critical?
Posted: 8/29/2007 11:07:49 AM | | Those red flags, mean something...You might have a keen insight to things..Be aware..Im quite a bit older than you but I have a friend who is 31, low paying job, rents a room from me...No drive to really succeed at anything...Great guy...No drive though...I wonder how he would take care of a family etc...Oh yeah, hes close $100.000 in the red...Like I said great guy but for stability (NOPE)...Too bad, hopefully they will wake up... | |
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| Too many red flags or am I just being too critical?
Posted: 8/29/2007 11:08:56 AM | I agree with 'opticalnoise.'
How do you know this woman doesn't equate a low income and (financially) struggling to someone who has no motivation and is lazy? I think most people do that. They look at someone with no job, little money and what their lifestyle is and automatically conclude they are lazy or have no goals. | |
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| Too many red flags or am I just being too critical?
Posted: 8/29/2007 11:15:06 AM | I went through this phase a couple of years ago with a couple of different guys. All had hearts of gold, but also lived at home, temporary, seasonal or no job, no car, I had to pay for their cigarettes, drinks, be their taxi service and we always were home watching tv, and when they weren't working, slept all day. I tried to nudge each of them in a more positive direction, but in the end the frustration cought up to me. It's not a questions of money, per say (I own a condo and have a decent job) , but just feeling like you're equals and are moving forward in the same direction. It is a personal decision, but if he's in his early 30's, you have to decided what's right for you, or if you're willing to give it a shot, how much time do you give him to get his you-know-what together. Unfortunately, I have run across a lot of guys in their 30's who have no work ethic, they just want to sit home and play video games or watch t.v. I dated a few guys like that over the course of a year and finally decided I wanted more.
Good Luck. | |
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| Too many red flags or am I just being too critical?
Posted: 8/29/2007 11:19:51 AM |
Another woman who loses interest in a guy because he doesn't make enough money. [quote/]
I don't imagine it is the money. I imagine it is the laziness, which does matter to me. I don't know about OPie. | |
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| Too many red flags or am I just being too critical?
Posted: 8/29/2007 11:23:15 AM | | Hi OP, I is my understanding here that you are hesitant to get into what may very easily turn into a co-dependent relationship. Maybe just staying friends and keeping in contact will be a good idea for now. Time will tell. | |
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| Too many red flags or am I just being too critical?
Posted: 8/29/2007 11:31:57 AM |
Another woman who loses interest in a guy because he doesn't make enough money.
No, a woman who is concerned about a conflict of core values, in this case.
I'm not denying that there ARE women who look at how much a guy makes as a criteria for a relationship. Is it fair? No, probably not. But is it fair for guys to judge a woman on her height, weight, hair color, the size of her tatas, sexual performance,or to reject her because she has children? And don't tell me they don't.
Unfortunately, the financial advancement of women has also created a class of men who will look for a woman to support them, or at least look to her money as a source of improving his lifestyle, rather than working harder(or smarter) to gain it for themselves. I believe that every adult human being has the right to reject a relationship that creates an ongoing drain on their resources, be it money, time, energy,without being called shallow.
OP, let him go. Somewhere out there is a woman who will love him just the way he is, who can either afford to carry him or is OK with being broke all the time,because she loves him, (or thinks she does)
Cindy O | |
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| Too many red flags or am I just being too critical?
Posted: 8/29/2007 11:48:20 AM | I just came out of that type of relationship and I can tell you first hand, it will not work out. Those types of problems always overcome everything else. Some of the thoughts that were running through my head, were like he would talk about getting speakers for his car, and I would bluntly respond, "what car?" So believe me when I say this, its not being superficial. Its looking out for the well being of yourself, and whoever else is in this relationship, be it a child or what not.
I use to think judging someone by what they had, or didnt have, was wrong, but I learned quickly, if you dont find out why they dont have basic stuff, such as a nice job, aspirations on moving forward, a car, etc etc, you will find yourself at the bottom. You can pretty much throw future plans out the window. I dont care if you drive a pinto, its better than nothing. He was 25 years old still living with his parents, and had no aspirations of moving out. There is a problem....
Til you get into one of these relationships, you will never understand the full extent. | |
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