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Show ALL Forums  > Sex and Dating  > If I say the word, "celibacy"...      Home login  
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 walkontheocean
Joined: 8/12/2006
Msg: 51
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If I say the word, celibacy...Page 3 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
No, it's not asking too much at all.
Hold out and don't compromise your values for any man.
Myself, I am a virgin waiting for a serious relationship
with good communication before I have sex.
I understand it is a tough road to walk,
and I have an enormous amount of respect for your choice.
 jesscowgirl84
Joined: 8/23/2007
Msg: 52
If I say the word, celibacy...
Posted: 8/31/2007 8:27:18 PM
I guess I just find it personally offensive that you could develop feelings for someone, fall in love perhaps.....then have them say, ok, it's time to test the sex out........

m'kay..........so you have sex and one of you absolutely is lame in the sac.......then what!?

Is the relationship OVER?????

You just say screw what we had together you suck in bed?!?

I'm confused......you want to see if you are compatible???? So, if the person isn't good in bed you'd be like, "well, you either need to improve or I'm leaving you!"

WHAT?!?

Seriously, how do you justify that philosophy? You'd end up putting the person in therapy for the rest of their life! I'd be devastated to think that someone who claims to "love" me prior to having sex and then gets it and says, "I take that back, you aren't a good (forgive my language) ****, and we either need to "practice" a lot or it's over between us, I'm looking for someone who is much better in the sac than you!"

With the few that I've been intimate with, I haven't heard that, but STILL........I guess it just shocks me to think that a relationship would be so dependent on performance.

Ok, I'm done venting now............:P
 Myrtlebeacher
Joined: 7/9/2006
Msg: 53
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If I say the word, celibacy...
Posted: 8/31/2007 8:34:09 PM
Taken for a test drive. LOL.

A healthy sexual relationship is part of the relationship. Still, there is always someone out there to fit your bill. It is ultimately your choice.

Come on now. You know the answer to this question back in High School.
 This is Now
Joined: 12/4/2006
Msg: 54
If I say the word, celibacy...
Posted: 8/31/2007 8:39:56 PM
At this point in time - unless he is the ONE - I am not interested in anything more than being socially polite. I don't want sex in any form be it IM or phone etc. right now. Therefore I am not actively seeking out male friendships.

When the right one comes along I will know it and so will he INSTANTANEOUSLY. That's my belief and that's what I base my actions on. Even if I'm wrong it's a win/win situation.

Obviously I need this break in my life or I wouldn't be taking it. And I am the type of person who enjoys an everchanging lifestyle.
 Kazot
Joined: 8/11/2007
Msg: 55
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If I say the word, celibacy...
Posted: 8/31/2007 8:45:19 PM

Seriously, how do you justify that philosophy?

I guess the same way you justify:

I am only interested in men that are about 23-33


if you can't respect that, then don't bother.


but PLEASE, don't start talking about "long-term" and speak about "us" in future terms, until AFTER we have met and it's a mutual feeling


and try not to get lewd, it's just not my thing.


but please don't expect me to tell you about things that only a husband and doctor ought to know


and don't tell me about yourself either.


I want a guy that I can be attracted to,


trust


take home to mom and dad,


and show me respect

It appears you have no problem having your standards that you expect guys to measure up to but you have a problem with others having standards for you to measure up to.
 serenityCW
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 56
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If I say the word, celibacy...
Posted: 9/1/2007 1:09:42 AM
i am curious as to "your" definition of celibacy. i recently found out that my very conservative and supposedly religious friend (who has always said she would not have "sex" until she remarried), defines sex in the same way that clinton defined sex with monica! given she is very wealthy, she appears not to want to rush into marriage and this is her way of circumventing.

your choice is your choice. however, my other concern would arise from the experience of another woman i knew who boasted of her man's respect for her and not pushing her to have sex. so, later they found him starting up with another coworker's child.

life is complex today. i have only been with one man since my divorce and we've been together for 18 months. we even remained true to one another when we broke up for six months in the middle of this duration and only remained platonic friends, as we were not sure it was going in the right direction. but, then back again we went. you cannot take control of assurances. you can get married a second time, as i did, and again find yourself with a doozy--it's often hard to detect.

i think at my age and having been divorced twice and both for good cause, i am reluctant to rush into marriage too quickly again, but i do need the monogamy and not taking sex as lightly as appears to be the case nowadays. after all, it's the quality and not the quantity!
 jesscowgirl84
Joined: 8/23/2007
Msg: 57
If I say the word, celibacy...
Posted: 9/1/2007 8:09:02 AM

It appears you have no problem having your standards that you expect guys to measure up to but you have a problem with others having standards for you to measure up to.


You are absolutely right...and my insecurities make me feel like that's asking too much...but I don't really want to change...it's just hard because I want love and trust and BELIEVE ME, I do "want" sex, but I'm not sure it's so much a "need" as a "want" and right now...it's all just confusing.

OH, and you see that all in my profile, and yet half the guys I talk to either didn't read it or are too dense to actually "grasp" what I'm saying!!

Well, I mostly just go with my gut and my heart, so hopefully I won't fall in love with a loser...again.

:D
 DallasFlier
Joined: 3/19/2006
Msg: 58
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If I say the word, celibacy...
Posted: 9/1/2007 9:25:16 AM

I guess I just find it personally offensive that you could develop feelings for someone, fall in love perhaps.....then have them say, ok, it's time to test the sex out........

No Jess, that's not the way it works - any more than you would say to them, "ok, its time to test the affection out" or the interests, or the intellectual compatability, or any of MANY other things. "Testing" all those things out is just part of a natural progression of getting to know someone, learning about them, finding out if you're compatible or not, figuring out if there's enough in common that you COULD fall in love.


I'm confused......you want to see if you are compatible???? So, if the person isn't good in bed you'd be like, "well, you either need to improve or I'm leaving you!"

You wouldn't say "we can't have long conversations until we're married" or "we can't hug, kiss or cuddle until we're married" would you? Why not? After all, its not necessary to see if you're compatible first, right? You just said so. So if the person isn't any good at talking or relating to you verbally or showing affection at all you'd be like, "well, you either need to improve or I'm leaving you!"???

The Bible talks in places about letting your elders PICK a spouse for you. Would you be comfortable with that? After all, spending time to see if you're compatible across many things in advance isn't that important, right?
 ElectricLynn
Joined: 8/13/2007
Msg: 59
If I say the word, celibacy...
Posted: 9/1/2007 9:28:22 AM
Sweetheart, you keep right on teasing him to that alter. If he loves you he will follow. If you loose him before then, well you were saved a marriage full of heartache cause he didn't love you enough to honor your needs!
 Kazot
Joined: 8/11/2007
Msg: 60
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If I say the word, celibacy...
Posted: 9/1/2007 9:42:47 AM

Sweetheart, you keep right on teasing him to that alter. If he loves you he will follow. If you loose him before then, well you were saved a marriage full of heartache cause he didn't love you enough to honor your needs!

So you think it is OK for her her to manipulate and coerce him (teasing him to that alter) and she doesn't need to love him enough to honor his needs?

If he walks once he realizes how she is using him it will be because he doesn't want a marriage full of heartache.

Some women have a very self centered perception of relationships.
 ElectricLynn
Joined: 8/13/2007
Msg: 61
If I say the word, celibacy...
Posted: 9/1/2007 9:54:20 AM
Sling your Mud Mr. Kazot. I happy you can express yourself.

I don't think taking it slow or fast is using anyone. All fishies are different. Gotta find the one that your most compatible with.

Glad to know your not my kinda guy. Kudos to U
 Kazot
Joined: 8/11/2007
Msg: 62
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If I say the word, celibacy...
Posted: 9/1/2007 10:14:18 AM

Sling your Mud Mr. Kazot.

Not slinging mud Electriclynn, just calling it like I see it.

I don't think taking it slow or fast is using anyone. All fishies are different.

That isn't what I commented on.

You talked about him proving himself and if he really loved her he would do it the way she wanted but you never addressed why it was OK for her to do this but not OK for the guy to do it. That doesn't sound very equal to me.

Is it because you can't justify the lack of equality in it or is it because you believe women should not play by the same rules as men?

Glad to know your not my kinda guy. Kudos to U

If you want a guy who will parrot back what you want to hear rather than what they think and see then you are right. I am not your kind of guy.

Actually I read your profile. I found it interesting and we have many similarities but I doubt we would be compatible.

PS: Good job on your profile, it was well written, fun to read and it did well at describing you.
 db norton
Joined: 8/23/2007
Msg: 63
If I say the word, celibacy...
Posted: 9/1/2007 10:28:50 AM
It is not too much to ask, but it may be unrealistic to expect all that many men would go for it, or, wouldn't go for it. I would not be interested in a woman who wanted to kiss and cuddle but hold off on sex. Sex is a necessary part of cuddling.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 64
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If I say the word, celibacy...
Posted: 9/1/2007 3:56:43 PM

Sex is a necessary part of cuddling.


It is? Crap, I guess I do it wrong.


Sweetheart, you keep right on teasing him to that alter. If he loves you he will follow. If you loose him before then, well you were saved a marriage full of heartache cause he didn't love you enough to honor your needs!


Hmmm. Not sure how a mutual decision to abstain until marriage is translated into her teasing him, but I guess I just assume that two adults must be in agreeance of such decisions. I know that there have been plenty of those in my past 8 years unwilling to wait until the relationship was concrete ~ and that's just fine. It saved me the proverbial "the sex is good, but...." scenerio in the end. I personally don't think it's possible to have bad sex with someone I'm compatible with on levels deeper than just the physical ~ but I do understand the thoughts of those who don't get that concept. Maybe I'm just lucky, maybe I am just fairly in tune with my own sexuality, but I've yet to have a situation where the sex was deplorable. I am not waiting until marriage today, because I will never marry again ~ but I certainly don't meet someone and casually date with the premise that sex is going to happen. It's either a long-term permanent monogamous formed situation or it's no sex. It works for me, whatever works for someone is really none of my business. JMO
 jesscowgirl84
Joined: 8/23/2007
Msg: 65
If I say the word, celibacy...
Posted: 9/1/2007 7:08:27 PM
Well, I'm probably going to give up on this thread soon...

BUT, before I do, I laugh at the comment,


Sweetheart, you keep right on teasing him to that alter. If he loves you he will follow. If you loose him before then, well you were saved a marriage full of heartache cause he didn't love you enough to honor your needs!


BECAUSE, I make it PERFECTLY clear to a guy that I may tease him, but that if he doesn't want me to tease KNOWING FULL WELL, that I'M NOT going to put out...

THEN isn't it his fault when he gets mad at me for teasing and not giving in...??

If I'm honest with the guy, and yet he somehow thinks he will "conquer" my "rules" and convince me to give in and have sex with him, is it honestly my fault when he finds out I'M NOT GIVING IN??!!??

That's my final question, and I really appreciate all of the opinions (some more than others)...
 jesscowgirl84
Joined: 8/23/2007
Msg: 66
If I say the word, celibacy...
Posted: 9/1/2007 7:11:51 PM
btw....when I said "laugh at this comment" it was a good thing........I thoroughly enjoyed it, and if the guy is FULLY aware that "THAT" is how I feel and he's cool with that, then I'M HAPPY.

ALL IN ALL, I don't know if I will wait or not, but I'd rather (MY CHOICE, I don't much care for an opinion on this...) have sex with ONE more man...JUST ONE, for the rest of my life, and honestly be able to say, "to death do us part" and be happily married...

 DallasFlier
Joined: 3/19/2006
Msg: 67
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If I say the word, celibacy...
Posted: 9/1/2007 7:26:55 PM

ALL IN ALL, I don't know if I will wait or not, but I'd rather (MY CHOICE, I don't much care for an opinion on this...) have sex with ONE more man...JUST ONE, for the rest of my life, and honestly be able to say, "to death do us part" and be happily married...

You wouldn't mind an opinion though, if the opinion is that that's a wonderful goal, and is exactly mine too? I think that's the goal that *many* of us have - not all, but many!
 alwayssxyman
Joined: 8/9/2005
Msg: 68
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If I say the word, celibacy...
Posted: 9/4/2007 4:17:03 PM

ALL IN ALL, I don't know if I will wait or not, but I'd rather (MY CHOICE, I don't much care for an opinion on this...) have sex with ONE more man...JUST ONE, for the rest of my life, and honestly be able to say, "to death do us part" and be happily married...


I thought they discontinued this model right after the Model T...

Excellent goal, it seems to me that happily married is a bit of an oxymoron, but that's just my opinion.
 TTM_1974
Joined: 5/6/2007
Msg: 69
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If I say the word, celibacy...
Posted: 9/4/2007 5:38:53 PM
I had a friend who started dating a guy that she really liked, but she wanted to "save herself" until he married her. She wasn't a virgin at this point, but she thought that withholding sex would make the relationship "real".

A month into the relationship she ended up sleeping with some guy she picked up at a bar, and unded up "confessing" to me what she did because she felt so guilty. She broke up with the nice guy a week later.

Sex is a natural part of a relationship. It's understandable to not share yourself with someone until you trust them and love them, that is respectable. But not sharing yourself until a legal deed and title is signed and a ceremony is performed... THAT cheapens sex.

 gazingatmars
Joined: 8/16/2006
Msg: 70
If I say the word, celibacy...
Posted: 9/5/2007 10:02:41 PM

What is it you are saving the sex for?

Do you think you are going to run out?


I can't help but laugh at this!

I love sex, and it's important to me that the man I marry does it well.
 marshw
Joined: 8/9/2005
Msg: 71
If I say the word, celibacy...
Posted: 9/5/2007 10:09:16 PM
The first thing I think is extreme mental imbalance. Celibacy is a condition of self-denial that is a clear sign of an emotional shortcoming of some sort. Whether you made bad choices in the past or you have other more extreme sexual hangups, celebacy is a problem...plain and simple! It IS too much to ask to wait till the wedding night to have sex. What if the sex is terrible? You think the lord will provide? I got news for ya babe, the lord helps those who help themselves. Bad sex will send one of you right into the arms of another lover...and how is THAT going to help your marriage?
 captainbaud
Joined: 7/4/2006
Msg: 72
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If I say the word, celibacy...
Posted: 9/5/2007 10:29:43 PM
Celibacy? I would see that as a challenge. I would periodically try to get under the skin to the point that the person wouldn't want to be celibate anymore. It doesn't always work, but works more often than not. Just need to know which buttons to press and in which order (which is different for every person, though there tend to be themes).
 LadySalster
Joined: 7/15/2006
Msg: 73
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If I say the word, celibacy...
Posted: 9/6/2007 7:12:21 AM
I'd run a mile! lol. If you are looking to fall in love with someone completely, then sex is just one part of that, you can't leave it out. I mean what if you got married and then were totally incompatible in bed?! That would be a nightmare!

I'm sorry, but you have to have sex before marriage, in my opinion.
 SueSRS
Joined: 7/16/2011
Msg: 74
If I say the word, celibacy...
Posted: 7/22/2011 7:05:57 PM
I applaud your decision. I'm also celibate until I get married again. I was married for 21 years and things are very different from when I was dating 25 years ago. I have decided that not only do I want to wait, but I don't even want to get into a car with anyone who is not okay with this. So it is the very first thing I listed on my profile. If they're not okay with celibacy, then they don't even have to read past the first sentences to know to move onto someone else. This respects their time and mine. I also wouldn't want to get into a relationship and have the emotions flare up, only to find out that the no sex rule is a deal breaker.
 Pingshooter
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 75
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If I say the word, celibacy...
Posted: 7/22/2011 8:30:37 PM
SueSRS..don't you think you should get divorced first before you even date?
Legally, you're still married.
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