daisie
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Joined: 9/22/2004
Msg: 26 | |
| my ex is dyeing with cancer what do i do
Posted: 9/17/2007 11:35:35 AM | holy macaroni!!! this is the 2nd time in 1 week Ive seen some guy post his PHONE NUMBER on a forum to get a woman to call him. I thought I'd seen everything!!! Now Ive seen it twice!!!!
OP......Im sorry about this though situation youre in. People get terminal illnesses everyday but usually we KNOW how we feel about them. Like em, Love em, Hate em, whatever.....the relationship is understood. for you...you have this mixed bag of alllllll this crap to sort out and now suddenly you feel there is the pressure of aTIME limit due to his illness. thats rough.
Id say do NOT let him into your home. You can help him and his folks take care of him wherever he is staying. You can visit daily if y ou feel like that...and if/when hes being a prikc you can LEAVE. You dont need his crap in your house and espcially dont need his crap in your heart.
If some dumbass ever started beatin on me...well....He would NEED someone to take care of him due to the bullet holes Id put in him. But Id be in jail so I wouldnt be able to be caretaker.....so I dont imagine Ill ever be in your situation. Its a tough one. I think I MIGHT attempt to help him. But make no mistake......Id have a zero tolerance policy and if th at ba$tard started causing me grief........thats the end of that $hit. orrrrr Id stick around till he was on his deathbed and couldnt complain or tattle on me....then Id quietly poke him with pins when no one was lookin. hey...paybacks a b1tch honey.
seriously...good luck. and dont take crap from him now....he needs to grow up....and his deathbed is as good a place as any. yeah hes dyin, that seems all sad and everything...but it does NOT excuse previous bad behavior and decsions he willingly made when he was strong and healthy. dont have too much sympathy....... | |
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| my ex is dyeing with cancer what do i do
Posted: 10/2/2007 7:11:54 AM | I developed a friendship in recent years with a boyfriend from many years ago. A relationship between us was not possible due to his substance abuse (drugs and alcohol). Yet I loved him dearly, for the beautiful human being he was.
I begged him to stop the drugs/alcohol/smoking. He developed cancer, and had a heart attack, several years ago. Three years ago, I predicted that if he did not stop poisoning his body, he was inviting cancer back into it, and would be dead within 2 years.
He died exactly 2 years later, when cancer re-invaded his body.
OP, we can't change anyone, much as we would so desperately want to. Unfortunately, your ex's lifestyle is likely to be the cause of what is killing him. While it is appropriate to feel compassion for him, that does not mean that you need to expose yourself to risk, through his abusive behaviour. The process of dying is not likely to have improved his temper.
But his dying does give the two of you an opportunity to make peace with each other. Go to him, and say the things you would like to say. He may or may not receive them well, but that part doesn't matter. Don't let him die without saying what is in your heart. Once he is gone, they can never be said again. | |
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| my ex is dyeing with cancer what do i do
Posted: 10/2/2007 7:27:28 AM | | If he is your ex then he is just that...let him be where he is. He will only do to you what he has done in the past, and you have to stay strong to be there for your children. You may think you have feelings for him still, but remember if he was not dying would you have those same feelings? You can support him, and be there to a certain degree for him and thats it..be somewhat like a friend. The world does not evolve around him and you have to remember that...you need to be you and move on. He will push and say you are not doing enough etc. probably call you names, but you know what, he is angry, confused etc. so take this with a grain of salt... | |
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| my ex is dyeing with cancer what do i do
Posted: 10/2/2007 7:32:06 AM | having lost two exhusbands this is my advice hunny
be there as a real good friend but no more
all you owe him is to be a friend and nothing else
your childern will see you beinging there for there dad and will apprciate it
you have to look at it this way what happens if he recovers and he now feels that there is a chance for the two of you .would you want that ??
if the answer is no than you know what you have to do
as tough as this problem is
the bottom line is this
its not your problem now
chin up you can be strong
sue xx | |
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| my ex is dyeing with cancer what do i do
Posted: 10/2/2007 7:45:07 AM | I lost my husband 2.5 years ago to cancer and spent the last two years of his life with him in and out of the hospital. The one thing I can say it is something you do out of Love for it is not easy to do. He died hear at home with me and his famliy by his side but it was the hardest thing I have ever done. What I would do is ask his mother if you could help her give her some time off when she needs it. That will show your girls that he mattered to you. But I would not bring him to your home. I also work in a hospital and if he was appusive to you before verbeally or physicall that might continue. Some Pt. when they are sick do not get nicer sorry to say they get mad and a little mean. Some do become better but really would you want what time you have left with him beging the same or worse then it was.. But like I said offer to HELP that will mean alot to outhers around you and you still could show how you had cared about him without taking on the full brunt of things.. Good Luck and God BLess You All | |
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| my ex is dyeing with cancer what do i do
Posted: 10/2/2007 7:56:02 AM | | You don't need to bring an alcoholic into your home with a child there... but that doesn't mean that you can't be there for him, if that is what you want to do... if it is eating at you... be there for him... and in the end... you will know in your heart, that you did what you could... and you gave him more respect, than he ever gave you... | |
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| my ex is dyeing with cancer what do i do
Posted: 10/2/2007 8:04:25 AM | | Cindy you are one compassionant lady and i know this is a hard choice but its one you will have to make. Every ones post is great and i am sure every one would like to have some one as compassionant as you in thier life. | |
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| my ex is dyeing with cancer what do i do
Posted: 10/2/2007 8:44:08 AM | Dear Cindy,
Let me tell you a story. I once knew a woman, her name was P----, and she was married to one tough drinking womanizing dude who owned a night club and led a wild life. They had earlier been in love, but as he got more and more into his crazy lifestyle, he abused her and eventually moved out and into one of the wild bimbos he had met on the drinking circuit.
In time, he got cancer. As his condition worsened, the bimbo kicked him out of her house to go die alone. P---- heard about this through friends and went to him. He was in a bad way. She took him back home and looked after him for a few months until he died. He died in her arms. (He was a well known wrestling star which is why I am not saying any names)
No one that knew these people ever forgot what she did. She did not have to forgive. She did not have to show compassion to a dying man. She did not have to put herself out the way she did. Most people would not.
Did she get anything out of her actions? No one knows, for she would not talk about it much. Did her life improve in any way? Not that anyone could tell. Was it a lot of trouble? It really was.
One thing is for sure, everyone who knew them never forgot this real life example of forgiveness.
Now, I am not saying you should take him in. It sounds as though he is being looked after. But your heart is saying something to you and that is forgive and show mercy where none was shown to you. There are many ways of doing that other than moving him in.
Good luck, | |
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| my ex is dyeing with cancer what do i do
Posted: 10/22/2007 1:36:41 PM | | ok i don,t know why but i just wanted to tell every one the latest news on my ex..he has had a nother opration.he,s not drinking anymore.the doctors told him with him still drinking and taking cemo its like puting a gun to hi head and pulling the tringer.every thing he eats or drinks has to go down a feeding tube.he i on a ogcion machine.so he can,t even smoke ciggarttes any more.he can,t talk.but thay did put a thing in his thought so when it heals he will be able to talk though it.he is bad.i don,t think he will be alive much longer.he has lost a lot of weight.he is still living at his moms.but alot of his family is trying to make me and my 16 year old fill like it is our resobilty to take cear of him.i want to help him all i can.i have loved him since i was 16 i,m 43 now.thats a lot of years.and we do have childern together.thank every one for your advie | |
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| my ex is dyeing with cancer what do i do
Posted: 10/22/2007 1:56:11 PM | My first reaction is: He beat you? You have no obligation to him whatsoever.
My second reaction is: You are an incredible person to have sympathy for someone that was so malicious to you. If you feel compelled to do something for him, perhaps do something short of having him come back in your house. It is a kind thought of yours, but ultimately you don't owe him anything. Do something that allows you to maintain your distance, while at the same time fulfilling your need to do something kind for him. Your safety and your children's safety may not be best served by allowing him into your home. So do something, but keep your distance. Maybe one day your kids will learn what a compassionate and caring Mother that they have. You are an amazing woman.
My hat is off to you. | |
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| my ex is dyeing with cancer what do i do
Posted: 10/22/2007 2:52:17 PM | | op my ex did alot of bad things to me and our child he got in a mess he drank also and other things but I helped him out.help him out but do not live with him and watch out for your safety and your kids safety see if the kids can help out. | |
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| my ex is dyeing with cancer what do i do
Posted: 10/22/2007 3:50:24 PM | | My dad died of lung cancer in 1991,my mom is dying of lung cancer now.It is not your responsibility to care for him as his family says, but you have to go with your heart.Regret is something that is very hard to live with.I am not saying put yourself or your child/children in danger.You seem like the type of person that cares for some one very deeply,and because of that the type that would regret it if you didn't go with your heart. | |
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| my ex is dyeing with cancer what do i do
Posted: 10/22/2007 4:07:51 PM | First of all let me offer you my support and prayers for you all. I can only tell you what I would do if it were me, as everyone thinks differently.
Since he is living with his folks now..I would go and try to help out as much as I could. I think this would mean alot to him. Talk to him and tell him how you feel. If you are ready to forgive him for all that he has done to you, then you should tell him now. He doesn't have a long time left. The biggest thing would be to remember that God forgives those who forgive others. And he sees everything. And he is there for you all. Just pray for strength when you feel down. I will pray for your entire family. I wish you the very best. Hugs, Linda | |
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| my ex is dyeing with cancer what do i do
Posted: 10/22/2007 4:12:29 PM | I think forgiveness is required for your's and children's sake. I went through the very same thing an abusive sick ex, well he passed and I feel as though, I did the right thing. He was hospitalized for the last six months of his life. My children had the chance to say all of their good bys and I love yous. Pretty important because this is half of them, and for so many other reasons!
There is a passage in the Lord's prayer "forgive as you would have the Lord forgive you". If you are a Christian, it is an important concept. I have no regrets, as my heart lead me to help take care of the sick, with the assistance of our daughter. I am not saying you should take complete control, but let him see the love that he needs to see.
God Blesses you to be a blessing
Faith | |
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| my ex is dyeing with cancer what do i do
Posted: 10/22/2007 4:14:23 PM | Everyone here seems to have some good advice.
I guess it depends on how deep your feelings still are for him.
I my self would not bring him into my home, especially if he is still drinking, There could be many moments where things could be worse than before with the drinking the pain, the treatments etc. it is so kind of you to even considerate it.
He is your ex. and he must have family that can help out with out drawing you into it.
I would possibly keep in touch, mend fences with him if you feel you must.
You sound like you have moved on here and I give you a lot of credit girl for what you are doing, Remember you have to follow your gut, but please put your self first as your the only one who can in this situation.
Good luck.. | |
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| my ex is dyeing with cancer what do i do
Posted: 10/22/2007 4:22:02 PM | Cindy, Im sorry if this seems a little on the rude side, bu why in God's name would you want to take care of a man who beats you and abuse you? good Lord I wonder if its the inbreeding down there, you know its fine that you have compassion but stupidity is another, a leopard doesn't change his spots, if this guy is looking for forgiveness from you is one thing,forgiveness for his life tell him to go to church................... but for someone to take care of him while he's dying? Im sorry I have no sympathy for wife beaters just as I feel the same apathy towards women who considered staying with guys who abuses them when they know what the guy did is WRONG
2) He's your ex for a reason dont lower yourself to a abuser who using his illness to control you, he is what he is.
3) Instead of worrying about taking care of this deadbeat, why don't you maybe go back to school, did you at least finish the 8th grade? or buy hooked on phonics or something, I swear it I thought it was a break dancing chicken on crack who posted this
alfaq, oh my Lord , are you a joke or are you for real, giving out your number on a public forum ummmm are you Stupid? or was this the result of inbreeding?
therapy, therapy, therapy................T H E R A P Y. | |
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| my ex is dyeing with cancer what do i do
Posted: 10/22/2007 4:25:36 PM | My sympathies to you! He is the father of your children and they love him. l am sure there is a soft spot in your heart for him too even though he treated you bad. l don't like statements like , "pay back time." They are cruel and negative. l am a nurse so do understand the mixed feelings that you have and l also have an ex that is sick and who treated me badly.
Forgiveness is good for the soul. lt is not for the forgiven, but for the one who forgives. lt is letting go of being a victim and it is part of the healing process one must attain to able to move on to a better place.
Moving him into your home would not be a good idea, but helping to take care of him would. lt will teach everyone around you the art of forgiveness, but to have him around all the time in his last days will burn you out, so l would not recommend that for you. Does your area have home care services? lf there is that available , you can still come to visit him and do things for him, without burning out yourself.
What ever you decide, l will put forth positive thoughts for you.
take care | |
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| my ex is dyeing with cancer what do i do
Posted: 10/22/2007 4:46:38 PM | Cindy..
First of all here's a GREAT BIG HUG for you.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this, believe me I totally understand, as my dad is dying of cancer as well. He is going to Hospice in a day or so. I know how you feel, more or less.
Second, NOBODY has a right to put you down for any reason!!! It's not their situation, and it quite frankly makes me SICK to hear that others have told you that your boyfriend is getting 'his pay back', etc. .. that's just EVIL.
Nobody deserves to go through this, no matter what anybody else says.
Just ignore them, they're not capable of understanding your compassion.
What you can DO, Cindy, is just let him know you're there for him, and that you FORGIVE him for whatever he did to you before. Now is not a time to be angry at him, so use this time as an opportunity to make peace, and help him do the same.
WizeChiklet | |
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| my ex is dyeing with cancer what do i do
Posted: 10/22/2007 4:54:38 PM | Call your local hospice for help....they can support you and / or him through this ordeal. They can help with bereavement; grief / loss afterwards for you and your children....There are life lessons to learn here..such as forgiveness....this is an opportunity for you to grow in many ways....good luck to you....
*most of what I have learned in life is from people who do not have much left*
Hospice nurse | |
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| my ex is dyeing with cancer what do i do
Posted: 10/22/2007 5:17:00 PM | Cindy.....
First off allow me to express my sympathy. This is a dire situation you are in. You should get all the information you can about what kind of cancer it is. Then IMO you should attempt to forget all about the bad times and focus on the good times. I am sure there were many. Then try and make his remaining days as pleasant as possible. As far as the pay back, that is a crock. And I am glad to see you can't feel that way. As far as bringing him into your home, that is something you have to figure out for yourself. I can only wish the best for you. Remember every dark cloud has a silver lining....
~Sunshine~ | |
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| my ex is dyeing with cancer what do i do
Posted: 10/22/2007 5:18:53 PM | Hi Cindy
There is always a reason one hurts , another it is a learnd behaver. a father hiting his mom ec. with men its sometime poor comunication skills . He is in pain not only the physical but emotioal pain too. SAY TO UR SELF RALLY WHAT WHOULD JESUS DO TO DAY , RIGHT NOW , AND ASK GOD . PRAY THAT GOD SOFENS HIS HEART
TO JESUS . PAY BACKS ARE FOR GOD TO COLLECT NOT US . JESUS SAID FOR U TO LOVE ARE ENEMIES AS WE LOVE OURSELFS. SO WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS TRUST WHAT IS IN UR HEART , NOT WHAT UR UNFORGIVING FRIENDS ARE SAYING .
PS
PRAY FOR HIS SALVATION GOD BLESS U AND UR
FAMILY
Sergio | |
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| my ex is dyeing with cancer what do i do
Posted: 10/22/2007 5:27:22 PM |
Cindy, Im sorry if this seems a little on the rude side, bu why in God's name would you want to take care of a man who beats you and abuse you? good Lord I wonder if its the inbreeding down there, you know its fine that you have compassion but stupidity is another, a leopard doesn't change his spots, if this guy is looking for forgiveness from you is one thing,forgiveness for his life tell him to go to church................... but for someone to take care of him while he's dying? Im sorry I have no sympathy for wife beaters just as I feel the same apathy towards women who considered staying with guys who abuses them when they know what the guy did is WRONG
2) He's your ex for a reason dont lower yourself to a abuser who using his illness to control you, he is what he is.
3) Instead of worrying about taking care of this deadbeat, why don't you maybe go back to school, did you at least finish the 8th grade? or buy hooked on phonics or something, I swear it I thought it was a break dancing chicken on crack who posted this
alfaq, oh my Lord , are you a joke or are you for real, giving out your number on a public forum ummmm are you Stupid? or was this the result of inbreeding?
therapy, therapy, therapy................T H E R A P Y.
Instead of calling this lady names and insulting her, why don't you keep your mouth shut ???? | |
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| my ex is dyeing with cancer what do i do
Posted: 10/22/2007 5:34:02 PM | Cindy I feel so bad for you..........seems to me that you still have love in your heart for this man.
I suggest that you not bring him into your home, and don't let his parents and siblings try and place any guilt on you.
You may want to first visit him on your own (without your children) and see if there's anything you can do to help and also to feel out the situation in the home. Since he is no longer drinking and can't speak and is on oxygen, I doubt he can do anything to hurt you.
Decide on how much time you have to spare and ask his parents if they would like you to spend an hour or so a day with him so they can have a bit of a break (after all this man is their son and I'm sure they're hurting as well). If they agree to this, it will give you some time alone with him. Who knows, since he is no longer drinking, he may now realize how much he hurt you and the children and may want to make peace with you.
If you then feel he is not a threat in any way, ask him if the children can come and see him.
I don't believe you should be a doormat, but I do believe in forgiveness. It will be a good example for your children and they'll respect you for it, since, as you mentioned, they do love their dad. It will also help you move on with your life once he's gone.
Do what you feel is right in your heart Cindy. You're in my prayers.
Mary | |
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| my ex is dyeing with cancer what do i do
Posted: 10/22/2007 5:45:30 PM | The only person you are responsible for in this situation is yourself, and your children. Your ex is being looked after and will no doubt suffer a great deal before he is gone forever. I have been in your shoes and my advice is do not let him into your home, under any circumstances. As others have already said, people do not change and you have suffered enough. The next while will be difficult for everyone, but you need to be there for your children. If there is an Al-anon support group in your area, I strongly recommend you go and learn how to deal with all the negative aspects you are facing. Good luck!
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