| Am I just selfish???
Posted: 9/2/2007 8:48:49 AM | I find a man who is an attentive father and son to normally be very well rounded and understanding of life.
You do have to have discernment, and if he hurts your feelings a lot, decide if you can deal with that. If you are just dating, the kids come first, and maybe if you get married it will be a tie. Kids who have been through a divorce need so much more, it is hard to explain. I have a teenage daughter and I am super sensitive to her needs. She does not run my life, but ehr life is my priority. That is NOT an option. | |
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Rhett1
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Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 27 | |
| Am I just selfish???
Posted: 9/2/2007 9:05:26 AM | OP: Maybe this man feels guilt over not being with his daughter every day. Maybe he wants his daughter to feel secure. Maybe he only just recently told his daughter about you because he doesn't want her to think dad's running all over town with numerous women and he wanted to know that you guys are together before he brought that prospect into her life.
Respect the fact that his daughter needs her dad and she's got him. As long as he's not disrespecting you consistently, I would give him kudos for making his daughter an important person in his life.
What was he supposed to do when he couldn't find a sitter? Abandon his daughter? Now, at 13, I was staying home alone, but that doesn't mean all parents want their 13 year old to do that and it doesn't mean a 13 year old is necessarily ready for that.
I will say it's a minor bit of selfishness on your part. I would talk to him and maybe think about asking him to consider including you in some of their time together. | |
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| Am I just selfish???
Posted: 9/2/2007 9:38:30 AM | Ro Msg #9:
You are so far off base that you're out of the ballfield.LOL. So I'm not going to dignify your silly post with an explanation. | |
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| Am I just selfish???
Posted: 9/2/2007 9:46:19 AM | To Msg #6:
Why would a 13 year old girl need a babysitter??
I raised my youngest son alone from the time he was 6 yrs old and still had plenty of time left over to date. .....and my son sure as Hell didn't need someone to babysit him when he was in his teens. In fact HE was babysitting his niece.
There is something very wrong in OP's situation and I stand by my post.....she is wasting her time...not to mention the heartache involved in such shabby treatment. | |
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| Am I just selfish???
Posted: 9/2/2007 9:50:26 AM | The needs of the child usually will come first
and you just need to get use to that......If you can't
deal with that you may as well stop the relationship now. | |
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| Am I just selfish???
Posted: 9/2/2007 9:54:09 AM | To answer the question why his 13 year old needs a babysitter, is because he lives over an hours drive from me. She stays alone when he's in his town, but feels like he couldn't get home quickly if something happened. That seems very reasonable to me.
I do think this 13 year old girl is manipulative, but since I work with teenagers, I feel it's her JOB to be manipulative! That's just the way kids are sometimes! I will admit that it bothers me that he can't see it at all, but it's his child...not mine and he should and does make the decisions regarding her behavior.
I guess I feel "guilty" for feeling a little ignored. I know he cares about me and tries to do the right thing for his daughter and me at the same time. | |
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| Am I just selfish???
Posted: 9/2/2007 9:58:44 AM | When I split up w/ my ex-hubby, my youngest was 6 1/2 & my oldest was 12. Within 6 months, I was dating & while I love my kids, I made it clear to them that Mommy also needed to have her life as well as be their Mom. They accepted it & have known that I have dated on & off for 10 years now. While my kids know I love them, they also know I am an autonomous person who has needs of her own as well.
By the way, both my kids happen to have autism, albeit high-functioning & my younger one is a brittle diabetic. If anyone could have found an excuse to hide behind their role as a parent, it could have been me. But I chose not to
Why would a 13 year old girl need a babysitter??
I raised my youngest son alone from the time he was 6 yrs old and still had plenty of time left over to date. .....and my son sure as Hell didn't need someone to babysit him when he was in his teens. In fact HE was babysitting his niece.
There is something very wrong in OP's situation and I stand by my post.....she is wasting her time...not to mention the heartache involved in such shabby treatment.
There is a ring of truth to what the above person says- to what degree, I do NOT know. It is unkind to get into a serious relationship w/ a person if you keep putting another person, even if it is a nuclear family member AHEAD of your intimate partner
When babygirl grows up, would Daddy like it if his Babygirl got treated like his girlfriend got treated
Our kids are our kids by birth, butt our partners are our partners by choice. Respect both parts of that equation | |
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| Am I just selfish???
Posted: 9/2/2007 10:01:20 AM | Where kids are involed whether you are male or female you will always come second.
I had a date once who could only see me once every 3 weeks when the kids were with dad. I soon got fed up with it and moved on to a childless woman. | |
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| Am I just selfish???
Posted: 9/2/2007 8:00:41 PM | Well moonflwers why can't you meet him halfway if he lives an hour from you . Then the two of you could spend a couple hours together and he can be home early too . Just because kids can be manipulative does not mean we should encourage them to do so or think it's their job.
I wouldn't bother with a single father for all the money in the world . Way to much drama . Kids now are in charge of their parents and family life. It won't hurt a 13 year old to be left alone for a couple hours . | |
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| Am I just selfish???
Posted: 9/2/2007 8:06:10 PM | Had the same thing once. I was head over with the guy and he would not let me into his life re kids .....move on. He is using it as an excuse to remain distant. After 6 months you should be acceptable to everything/everyone in his life.
Cheers and good luck!
ctch | |
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| Am I just selfish???
Posted: 9/3/2007 12:58:55 AM |
I'd be a little skeptical that he actually has his daughter EVERY weekend...what kind of arrangement is that?
I was in a common -law arrangement and he had his daughter every weekend, i know many others dad's that get their daughter every weekend, nothing wrong with it. | |
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| Am I just selfish???
Posted: 9/3/2007 4:45:38 AM | I agree with the posters who said that he is an attentive father.
My children do not even know that I date, although I think they suspect it. And they won't know unless I know the relationship is for the long term. Period. I've seen what can happen to kids when a string of people are paraded in front of them and it isn't good. Are you being selfish for feeling neglected? No, I don't think so. But keep in mind, he just told her about you. There couldn't be a more blatant sign of what he thinks might be between you. But do not push it. As others have said, if it comes to the choice between the child and you, it will probably be the child.
One thing that I don't believe has been mentioned is that not only does it sound like he is being cautious, which is a good thing, but also trying to set a good example-something woefully lacking with quite a few parents these days. | |
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| Am I just selfish???
Posted: 9/3/2007 5:01:32 AM |
moonflwrs......Forget this guy. I have dated several men with young children and I found that the children always came first. This is how it will be if you marry/live with him. You will always be neglected. Furthermore, the kid will lie about you and do stuff to make you look bad and your boyfriend will always take the kid's part. I have been there three times and now I shy away from men who have children under 22.
Wow funlady1958. Perhaps you need a name change to "bitterlady1958"
In ANY relationship involving children they come first. | |
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| Am I just selfish???
Posted: 9/3/2007 5:14:38 AM |
Wow funlady1958. Perhaps you need a name change to "bitterlady1958"
That's a lil harsh. I think what the poster was trying to say is that sometimes it can be difficult for a childless, single adult to date someone with children. What the OP really has to do is look inside herself to see if she can really handle being "second". Some people can't. Nothing wrong with it. We are all humans with feelings, vulnerabilities ,and faults. I've been there, done that. I realized that I didn't do well being delegated to second. Not because I was jealous of the child or anything..but because both people have different priorities, needs, and I always seemed to have more free time than he did. Which meant either I got a hobby..or felt alone alot of the times I longed to be with him when he couldn't. I then made a concious decision to try and date people with older children or none. That worked for me. OP needs to look at what SHE WANTS AND NEEDS. She counts too. Just because people have different "lives" doesn't mean she's selfish, or he's neglectful, or the child is being manipulative.  | |
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| Am I just selfish???
Posted: 9/3/2007 5:29:44 AM | | He sounds like a great DAD. His daughter is 13 and right NOW needs his time and attention. Believe me in 3 short years she won't have much time for him, she'll have her own life. Be patient sounds like you have great guy. | |
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Rhett1
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Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 41 | |
| Am I just selfish???
Posted: 9/3/2007 7:45:54 AM | ^^^^^ 100% in agreement.
I dated a man who made absolutely no attempt to see his children (even though he had legal access). He worked that to get sympathy ("she won't let me see them". It took a while before I found out that he actually could see them but chose not to) and it worked for a while. In the end, I had absolutely no respect for him. Be glad that your guy makes his daughter important in his life. I wish all children had that from both parents. | |
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