| I'm needing objective advice
Posted: 9/6/2007 9:29:34 AM | No one respects a ping pong ball.
I again told him that I didn't want to be with someone that didn't want me in return, so just tell me if he didn't want to see me anymore. He said he didn't want to see me anymore. I went to his home so we could talk and he said he really cared about me but also had feelings for his ex girlfriend. We made love again before I left.
Contradicted yourself a bit there didn't you? He obviously wants to have sex with you. He just doesn't want to BE with you. At least his ex had enough self respect not to have sex with him. Maybe he wants what he can't have?
Move on.
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| I'm needing objective advice
Posted: 9/6/2007 9:46:07 AM | | Let him go... I don't care what excuse he uses... you don't deserve this treatment... he doesnt deserve you... I couldn't be with someone that wasn't sure if they wanted me, or not... Tossing me around like a freaking ping pong ball??? no way!!! You can do better than this... Bottom line... not everyone is a nice person... | |
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| I'm needing objective advice
Posted: 9/6/2007 12:26:15 PM |
I tend to agree with him except for the telling untruth parts
I didn't advise the OP to tell untruths. I'm telling her not to state details, which are none of his business anyway.
"I was busy" covers a lot of territory. She could've been busy reading a book to she could've been busy in a wild party backstage with Enrique Iglesias.
"I'm going out with friends" could be true and if not "I have plans" is good enough. That could encompass taking a walk around the block to jetting to the Riviera. But my suggestion about saying "friends" was really more about, again, not getting into details, such as telling him "I'm going out with Susie to see the new Brad Pitt movie" or "I've got a date with this guy I met at the pool hall".
It's not playing games, it's about trying different things to change the dynamics of the relationship. We can't change other people, we only control ourselves, so therefore in order to change anything around us, we have to change what we do first. That's more likely to produce a different result than if we hammer away doing the same thing that doesn't yield any beneficial results. Like tossing a pebble into a pond, if we change the way we toss the pebble, we correspondingly get a different set of ripple effects.
By being vague, the other person's mind may do all the work for us. Tell him you're busy, and he may imagine that you've got seven guys coming over with caviar and champagne that are going to take you on their yachts and whisk you away for a weekend long non-stop party. Well, if that gets him to ponder that he'd really rather not lose you, then so be it. All we did was state that we're busy.
The dressing up and perfume part I advise, not as an untruth, as one is entitled to dress up and smell nice even if you're going grocery shopping. It's good practice, anyway, you never know when you're going to run into someone you may want to know better.
Heck, I'd even advise buying fresh flowers every now and then and keeping them on display and when asked who gave them to you, say, "Oh, no one you know" - meaning the florist ;) | |
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| I'm needing objective advice
Posted: 9/6/2007 12:54:53 PM | Having sex with him after he treats you that way sends a mixed message on your part too. He still gets a "reward" for being a commitmentphobe no matter what the reason. You deserve someone that can give you the love and attention you deserve. I say 3 strikes and you are out fella. I too am guilty of having sex too early in a "relationship" - had to pay the consequences of that no matter how much it hurt. It's part of the process of "dating"
A friend is dating someone from another site. He has been doing the same thing to her for over 2 months. But I can't tell her what to do. She'll leave once she is sick and tired of being sick and tired I guess. I hope. | |
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| I'm needing objective advice
Posted: 9/6/2007 12:57:24 PM | | SORRY but I have to say this "GET OVER IT SUCKER YOU GOT SCR----D". You are probably not the first he has done it to and you wont be the last. This ex thing is a joke, he probably did the same to her. Maybe sit down with her and compare notes. This kinda of guy gives them a bad name and we all know that not all men are dogs, just the JERK you picked. | |
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| I'm needing objective advice
Posted: 9/6/2007 1:00:26 PM | | Since you ask for brutal honesty: this is a classic "push-pull" and it is evidence of a sad, sick emotional state of being for this person. It is abusive and it demeans you. Let it go right now and do not answer his calls or e mails. This is pure manipulation. | |
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| I'm needing objective advice
Posted: 9/6/2007 1:05:44 PM | Is his name Rob? J/K
What you do is this: Go find yourself a real man and leave this little boy alone. He has no clue what he wants and is too wishy washy. He'll keep this up because you let him. You say "and then we had great sex" like this is a good thing. Ever think you're a booty call? The "great sex" keeps you from working out the real problems; changes your focus. He loves you or doesn't....no in between.
think. | |
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| I'm needing objective advice
Posted: 9/6/2007 1:07:35 PM | I once heard this story told by another woman when many many many years ago I needed to move on but I wanted to analyze him and fix him.
A healthy woman is walking down the street and discovers that garbage is falling from the sky. She quickly moves out of the way. The unhealthy woman stands there looking up and and needs to know why is there garbage falling out of the sky and gets covered in it. The moral of the story ....just get out of the way of the falling garbage. I love a visual.  | |
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| I'm needing objective advice
Posted: 9/6/2007 1:09:52 PM | first off, you didn't make love. ever.
you two were just having sex.
now that we have that established,
let's get down to it. he's a drama queen.
it's strange, because more guys are than girls.
and this boy of yours, and i do mean "boy", is exactly that.
a drama queen. he wants to make this complicated.
it's classic passive-aggressive. he wants to control you
thru feigned weakness and emotional abuse.
how much can you stand, is the real question here.
and i wouldn't believe him if he said
he visited his ex but didn't sleep with her.
he ****ed you almost right away.
you really gonna believe he didn't shag her?
as if. as if someone that shags that openly and often
is really worth trusting about who he ****s.
and you really solved your own problem with what you said.
"the sex was good and often"
umm....newsflash. if the sex is often, then there's nothing special about it.
he sees sex like you see changing your underpants or taking a shower.
bet he beats off a lot, too. loser.
sex, real sex, is planned for. to the smallest detail.
it's an all-night plan and set-up, and the entire evening
should be set aside for it. he doesn't know what he's doing,
and neither do you if you're shagging him that often and casually.
expect him to flip-flop between you and his ex.
and drop the drama queen. you'll have enough sooner or later.
-the alien | |
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| I'm needing objective advice
Posted: 9/6/2007 1:27:56 PM | Of course I agree with everyone here that you need to dump his a$$. I'd go a step further.
Play a few games RIGHT BACK AT HIM. Next time you have a date.... STAND HIM UP. Tell him 'you're not ready'. If you have a guy friend, let this jerk see you two together making all cuddly.
How much you wanna bet if he thinks he can't have you, suddenly he'll decide he wants you. | |
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| I'm needing objective advice
Posted: 9/7/2007 4:49:50 AM | Why are you having sex with this AZZ?? Never make someone your priority when you are only an option! Better to be alone than put up with this nonsense....I do know what I'm talking about! Feel free to contact me! OMG It's bed time! | |
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| I'm needing objective advice
Posted: 9/22/2007 10:05:54 AM | 1st - Get off the emotional roller coaster. No need to participate unless you're into mental abuse?
Many men will not entirely close the door on a relationship until they feel comfortable and secure in their new relationship. You mention that the dates/ meetings ended with having sex.
Bangggg Bangggg ( loud bell ringing) ...... I wonder if it has anything to do with having sex. Naaaaaa people don't use each other just for sex. | |
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| I'm needing objective advice
Posted: 9/22/2007 11:48:00 AM | """"I've begged him to tell me what is going on. He says he cares about me. At one point he also said he got scared because he saw that our feelings on both sides were going in the direction of falling in love. Mostly what I hear from him is that he just doesn't know. He tells me this over and over. Everytime we talk and decide not to see each other anymore we end up back together within 24 hours. I have been on an emotional roller coaster since he stood me up on Saturday. I can hardly eat or sleep and I am in love with him. I have not told him I love him. """
Basically you have been seeing this guy for a month June-July-august-Sept 5th post. Please OP, learn some dating skills. When a guy says he likes you but isn't ready, DONT CALL HIM FOR A FEW DAYS!!! Haven't you read any similar threads on POF. You call him, beg him, he gives you some wishy washy story.....Hows about you get some guts and play the game right...if you want to win.
FOR NOW DONT CALL HIM (sorry if this topic is dead already). ITS HIS MOVE. PERIOD | |
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| I'm needing objective advice
Posted: 9/22/2007 2:34:22 PM | A double minded man is unstable in all his ways. I think the best advice here is going to be whats hardest to take. When it comes to love sometimes you have to lose something before you can truly gain it.
First
I again told him that I didn't want to be with someone that didn't want me in return, so just tell me if he didn't want to see me anymore.
First when it comes to Love this is your heart, you have to take control of it, don't give him the option of hurting you, it is a hard thing to do but you have to make a decision as to if this is something you want to continue with and on what grounds. It would be better for you to tell him straight up "look either its her or me but it can't be both". You have to be assertive with it, cut and dry and let him know you can not be with a man that is still trying to hold on to someone else.
Secondly:
He said he didn't want to see me anymore. I went to his home so we could talk and he said he really cared about me but also had feelings for his ex girlfriend. We made love again before I left.
Talking to him over the phone is one thing but the SEX has to stop. You should have a no touch policy until she is completely out of the picture and he has proven to you that you are his one and only. The more you have sex the closer you get to him, and the more it will hurt if he is the one to walk away from you. DON'T LEAVE THE BALL IN HIS COURT, you have to take control of the situation. | |
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| I'm needing objective advice
Posted: 9/22/2007 4:12:27 PM | | I think you really need to move on because he is OBVIOUSLY not over his ex-if he was he would find it easy to say no. He's proved he CANT so no at times which must leave you feelin 2nd best & thats a killer for anyone-believe me ive been there. You must let-go of lettin yourself think about him & keep occupied in your mind. I have this method of makin 2 columns on a piece of paper-GOOD & BAD or RIGHT & WRONG about the problem or person-without thinkin I fill in the Good column then the same with the Bad & you will see that one column is bigger than the other & that speaks for itself coz you didnt give yourself the time to Justify or Compare events etc-you just wrote it from the heart. Try it & you may be suprised. | |
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| I'm needing objective advice
Posted: 9/22/2007 5:17:59 PM | You're inlove with a guy who's inlove with sum1 else.
The guy is most likely doing to you wat the ex is doing to him & as soon as she's ready to commit to him, you'll b history.
The duet has become a trio and if ur naive enuf ur gonna have an orchestra by the end of it.
Cut ur loses, he'll sort himself out & come looking for you later on if you're the one he wants...
but if u hang around now and even if HE decides he wants you...
... and I have no idea y ppl wait for sumone else to decide wats gonna happen with the rest of their lives ur always gonna b his second choice.
If u can live with that, stick around & ride the ride | |
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| I'm needing objective advice
Posted: 9/22/2007 6:48:07 PM | Been there...done that. I just went through a similar situation except she is the mother of our children. You have to respect yourself. Do not allow someone (anyone) to treat you in such a manner. I had to tell her good-bye after "years" of her going back and forth. I'm much happier now, alone, than I ever was while we were togrther. Trust me, you'll feel better and be better for it. | |
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| I'm needing objective advice
Posted: 9/22/2007 7:00:50 PM | | Oh don't be so stupid. The guy doesn't want to commkt. That doesn't automaticall make him bi-polar...what a load of horsest... | |
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| I'm needing objective advice
Posted: 9/22/2007 7:03:50 PM | | How's this for objective? 1. You cannot be in love with him after 3 months...this is infatuation, lust, longing, desperation, but not love. 2. YOU are the one who needs to stop the ride and get off. He is gettjng exactly what he wants, f*****g you AND the ex. 3. Grow up amd move on. | |
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| I'm needing objective advice
Posted: 9/23/2007 10:25:55 AM | | You're 32, and should be smarted than this. The guy is not ready but finds you very sexually attractive, just because you have had a few months of fun and great sex do not mean it is meant to be. He does not want you in the same way you want him. Stop being a doormat, if you don't like being treated this way then stop allowing him to do it. | |
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| I'm needing objective advice
Posted: 9/23/2007 10:39:53 AM | boy..this a first for me....
I AGREE with what everyone has written. not one point to argue or debate...and not one
point i could add....
am i losing it? | |
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| I'm needing objective advice
Posted: 9/23/2007 11:06:40 AM | I've read the "run fast" posts and completely agree. I just wonder how after this man said he also had feelings for his ex-girlfriend, how could you have "made love"? It sounds to me it was more like "last time" sex on his part.
Stop begging, straighten your shoulders, and leave him on his own. The begging only feeds the beast of his ego. When you act like you don't care and he calls, don't answer. When you stop answering for a few weeks, he'll stop calling and move on back to the ex who probably is willing to take him back. Self respect and love for oneself can do a lot for the healing that is needed.
Good luck,
Liz | |
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BayOne
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Joined: 2/15/2007
Msg: 50 | |
| Please give me brutally honest advice
Posted: 9/23/2007 11:17:56 AM | Good lord girl! DON'T WASTE THE PRETTY! And you are still letting HIM decide whether or not this relationship continues BECAUSE? You need to gain some control over this situation. Make a decision and then STICK WITH IT! You could spend YEARS doing this on again/off again drama enactment...do you really want to? He might be the most spectacular man you have ever met and you can barely bare to let that go.....BUT there is also the Bi-polar emotional issue that is HUGE. You know what you should be doing but if you need someone to tell you then re-read above. Actions speak loud....words are just that.
Good luck. | |
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