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 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 51
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Seeking a sexless relationshipPage 3 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
OPie ~~ I *do* think it takes a fair amount of courage to bring the subject up. Kudos on doing so.

I think we are all aware that libido varies tremendously among members of the human race. My X dated a woman for 10 years who was, in fact, very grateful to be a widow and to "no longer have to be bothered with *it*" ~~ she was in her early 50's at the time, and evidently had felt that way her entire life. She did in fact end up married again, to a man in his 80's who evidently presented no problem in that area (neither, in fact, did my X, but he didn't want to travel, and she did).

Clearly, you fall on the low, but not *no* end of the scale. I would think the potential problem in what you are looking for (mateship not dateship), is that one or the other of you might change your mind. You do need to be very clear in your profile about what you seek. NO SEX, EVER! might work as a headliner. And a copy of your opening post. That way, no room for hurt feelings on her part further down the line. Plus it would show up in searches, and might have the effect of drawing to you those that seek the same.

The other problem you may have might be, that there are in fact women who feel the same, but who would never admit it. Women being in the slightly easier position of not have to actually DO anything in order to have sex, they can accommodate a partner. Men with no drive cannot. Please understand that nothing I've said is, or is intended pejoratively. I'm in no way making a value judgment, just an observation.

I do really wish you luck in your quest.





 Anazdaddy
Joined: 7/12/2007
Msg: 52
Seeking a sexless relationship
Posted: 9/8/2007 11:44:15 AM
Why the extremes?! These people who want sexless relationships bring up these nonpoints that "everyone only wants sex" or "they think it's all about sex sex sex". How about this..sometimes it's about sex and sometimes it's not. Of course one doesn't need to have sex in order for survival of the organism the same way water, air, food is. But it is a normal, natural human drive. I just don't understand never wanting it, the same way I don't understand the other extreme of sex addiction. Most people place sex at an appropriate level of need...high, but not air, h2O level.
 TedJMill
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 53
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Seeking a sexless relationship
Posted: 9/8/2007 11:56:38 AM
I feel somewhat like the OP does; kissing and cuddling would be nice, but the idea of having sex with someone just doesn't appeal to me. If the situation ever comes up (it hasn't yet, and I'm 49), I'll have to see how far I'd be willing to go sexually, but I'd prefer an affectionate but sexless relationship.

The OP might want to check out AVEN, the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network, at www.asexuality.org. That's an organization for asexuals, and I found it nice to share with other people who are like me and want asexual relationships.
 pondscum
Joined: 6/28/2007
Msg: 54
Seeking a sexless relationship
Posted: 9/8/2007 3:20:01 PM
I'm with you. Don't want the complications and happier without it. Trashy people will tell you garbage. What more could be expected?
 dawn1114
Joined: 2/27/2006
Msg: 55
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Seeking a sexless relationship
Posted: 9/8/2007 4:09:44 PM
OP, I think finding a like-minded partner is going to be difficult for a few reasons, but certainly not impossible. I see your biggest problem as being finding someone who truly feels as you do (that sex is simply not important to them) rather than finding out later that they have sexual and gender hangups that will be equally "complicated."

Intellectually I know there are people who are asexual, but the only women I personally know who say they dislike sex are women who are actually disgusted by the - how can I put this? - the "maleness" of men in general. They just don't like men (and they're not sexually interested in women, either).

I'm sensing from your posts and profile that you're very much a man in the common use of that word (masculine in many ways and appreciates and likes women), just a man who's not sexual. You're going to have to be exceptionally discerning and intuitive to find a similar woman (feminine, LIKES men, just not sexual). I'm sure they're out there, but I'm also quite sure they're rare.

Tough situation. Wishing you luck.
Seeking a sexless relationship
Posted: 9/8/2007 4:16:08 PM
Why don't you just get a dog then?

They love you unconditionally, and you can love them back...minus the sex bit. Unless you have bestiality tendencies..

BB
 rockchick24/7
Joined: 9/10/2005
Msg: 57
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Seeking a sexless relationship
Posted: 9/8/2007 4:27:03 PM
I can see you searching a loooonnngg time for anyone that would be prepared to have a full-blown relationship without the sex or the intimacy that only the joining of two bodies and souls can bring in a meaningful relationship between two people with deep feelings for each other.

There is nothing better than having my partner inside me and falling asleep entwined in each others arms (and no I am not talking about after orgasm or having "moving" sex (for want of a better expression lol)). It is an expression of love for us, of course not the only one, but one we both love and feel deeply.
 donnaluv2005
Joined: 7/9/2007
Msg: 58
Seeking a sexless relationship
Posted: 9/8/2007 4:29:55 PM
Wow...what a rude comment to make. It is not your business why he is wanting a sexless relationship, it is none of anyone's business why, he only asked if it were possible and you insult him? No wonder you are single. Did it ever occur to you that he may not be able to perform for some medical reason?
Don't you know if you do not have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all? Shame on you. Work on your people skills.
 rosesforyou
Joined: 6/10/2007
Msg: 59
Seeking a sexless relationship
Posted: 9/8/2007 4:34:10 PM
OP

From another guys point of view it's not going to be easy to find a good woman like that. I also want to find a woman who does NOT want sex at least until marriage! I have a few long term relationships that didn't work out for other reasons because they wanted kids once married. I don't want kids so things didn't work out. At the same time I was with a few women in longer relationships and no sex what so ever, it was fine that way. Hugs and kisses go a long way, nothing else needed till marriage as for me.

Stay true to who you are, it's not going to be easy to find a woman like that but don't settle for less. I know I'm not.

Good luck.


Just to add here. My views have nothing to do with low sex drive. I have strong feelings just as much as any guy. I choose to not allow myself to sleep around though and thats the choice I have made and one that will have to be the same with the woman that is right for me. I had one girlfriend at one point that nearly insisted that we sleep together, I told her it's not going to happen. In that one case, she could not handle that and so things ended. In the other few relationships I had, no sex was fine by them also.
 donnaluv2005
Joined: 7/9/2007
Msg: 60
Seeking a sexless relationship
Posted: 9/8/2007 4:34:32 PM
morganaca this is for you:
Wow...what a rude comment to make. It is not your business why he is wanting a sexless relationship, it is none of anyone's business why, he only asked if it were possible and you insult him? No wonder you are single. Did it ever occur to you that he may not be able to perform for some medical reason?
Don't you know if you do not have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all? Shame on you. Work on your people skills.
 boisegoodbadboy
Joined: 8/21/2005
Msg: 61
Seeking a sexless relationship
Posted: 9/8/2007 4:40:54 PM
move to boise idaho and your wish will be fulfilled...
 *cee~cee*
Joined: 2/21/2007
Msg: 62
Seeking a sexless relationship
Posted: 9/8/2007 4:49:38 PM
I've heard about forums and information on being A-Sexual. If that's what you're talking about, maybe you should research that online and look in a different part of the cyber world for people of like mind. If it's what you want, there's nothing wrong with it ~ you just need to look in the right places.

I myself can't comprehend it but apparently there are people out there that don't want sex and have fulfilling relationships and are in love, so it can happen.

Good luck to you.
 Happy Phantom
Joined: 8/16/2007
Msg: 63
Seeking a sexless relationship
Posted: 9/8/2007 4:51:21 PM
Are you using reverse psychology on us or something? Cause, you know, I would fall for that.

Seriously, I have chosen celebacy myself but this decision is more by default than for lack of need or desire. I simply have not found the right partner and have committed to waiting for the right one. But if I do ever find him, I would want to lock him up in my bedroom for at least a week straight.

Also I think the "why" is a valid question, as the OP has opened himself up to answering questions on the topic by starting the thread.

Hmmm... maybe it's something in the water here in Victoria.
 HarleyKat~
Joined: 8/5/2005
Msg: 64
Seeking a sexless relationship
Posted: 9/8/2007 4:56:21 PM
First of all...kudos to the OP for posting such a brave and thought provoking thread!

There is MUCH more of a line between "just friends" and partners, than SEX. Having sex does not make two people partners...it simply makes them lovers. And not having sex, does not mean the relationship is strictly platonic. As the OP pointed out...there can still be intimacy, without sexual relations.

My question would be, do you feel that you can have a sexless relationship for LIFE? Or do you think that finding the RIGHT person, may induce the desire at some healthy point and time, for you? I mean, we all cannot help but wonder WHY you would consciously CHOOSE such? You have mentioned some generic sort of reasonings...but nothing specific. You have told us what it is NOT.

Would having a sexless relationship mean that you would be willing to allow your partner to explore sexual activities outside of the relationship? Would you be up to mutual masturbation activities?

Now to answer your question...I am sure that there IS someone out there who would have the same mentality as you. You narrowed your chances of finding this woman down to slim, because now...not only do you have to find someone that possesses all of your desired traits, characteristics, and qualities...she also has to share the sexless relationship mentality! Sorta needle in the haystack kind of thing!

However...if I were to be in love with someone...and they would lose the ability to have sex, I could continue to love them and remain faithful. So a part of me thinks that finding that person would only mean that they have to value YOU more than SEX.

But to just meet someone and then discover this...no...I do not think I could imagine a relationship without sexual romance.
 Carmen 22
Joined: 10/11/2004
Msg: 65
Seeking a sexless relationship
Posted: 9/8/2007 5:01:17 PM
Dear Offkilter,

You are not, and I'm angry reading these posts by judgmental people who believe because you aren't like them you are somehow weird. You are not. You are who you are and how you feel and yes, of course there is someone out there for you who feels the same. I wish you the best of luck.
 julesbee
Joined: 8/4/2007
Msg: 66
Seeking a sexless relationship
Posted: 9/8/2007 5:06:40 PM
happy phantom
Good one !!

I am still not understanding your position. I know that you wanted all types of input from all of us POF folk ( varried as it may be) otherwise you would not have posted the thread.

You are healthy, "fixed " ( bonus ) , have normal desires etc etc but if you found someone perfect for you " you would make the difficult decision and let her go ".

You "unlike another post" are expressing normal desire. You have indicated you do not suffer from performance anxiety. You have indicated that you are able to develop intimate relationships with women ( I am referring to an emotional and psycholgical connection ) .

Correct me if I am wrong... but when you say that you have normal desire and no medical concerns are you fighting your sexual desire with women? Is it a psychological "decision" not to have sex? Which from what you have described suggests that.

If that is the case...just a thought... have you considered exploring why you are so steadfast in this regard?
 offkilter72
Joined: 7/24/2007
Msg: 67
Seeking a sexless relationship
Posted: 9/8/2007 6:45:18 PM
We're all aware that once a relationship is consummated, it takes on a different tone and becomes a different beast altogether. I suppose I would like to take the headspace that is there early on in a relationship, pre-sex, and continue it for as long as possible. If that can be continued for the extent of my life, all the better. I like the innocence, the tension etc... I am pretty aware that my favourite times in a relationship have been before there was sex and everything that goes along with it got in the way.
I don't expect others to fully understand or get on board with it. I'm not trying to bring others along with me, but the suggestions, ideas and thoughts on the matter are invaluable and muchly appreciated. Well, most of it anyway. The redundant comments or questions that have been covered fairly well in the past need to be looked at by those posting them. But anyway,,,.
To answer Julesbee above. It is a very concious decision to not seek it and I think I would be much happier without it. I feel it is worth an honest effort and see what comes of it. If I'm wrong, then so be it. The worst that can happen is that I won't be getting any sex, and it's not something I'm really missing or apparently denying anyone else! Seems simple and fair enough.
As for my profile, I really am just looking for someone to hang out with and do the things I love to do. Not seeking a real relationship at this time anyway. Just someone to hike, bike, surf and camp with. We'll see what comes of it.
Cheers
 ~~weeone~~
Joined: 8/3/2007
Msg: 68
Seeking a sexless relationship
Posted: 9/8/2007 7:24:59 PM
Dear OP...

If I didn't see your pic on your profile and know you were not in Toronto, I could have sworn your post was written my by ex SO...

He is/was so much like you its scarey!!!!

When we first got together, all was well in the bedroom. After a few months, though, he would look at me like "what the hell do you want now" ?

In retrospect, he did not like sex, either with me or anyone else. It took me a long time to realize it was not my fault. I honestly hope that he has found a woman who feels the same about the no sex rule.

Me?...

Hell....I could never go through the pain of being in a relationship with a man that wanted no sex ever again

~~weeone~~
 wrobt
Joined: 6/10/2007
Msg: 69
Seeking a sexless relationship
Posted: 9/8/2007 8:13:22 PM
being fairly new at this; i have to say that this is the most stupid thing i have read to date. but there is a simple answer to your problem. find a male or lesbian room mate. won't have to worry about either of them taking advantage of you. unless he is gay
 kellybelly36
Joined: 5/25/2007
Msg: 70
Seeking a sexless relationship
Posted: 9/8/2007 8:31:54 PM
Hey not really sure what you are clearly looking for? YOu want to take it easy and make sure of who you are going to be sexual is what i am reading. I am very simmilar . I am looking for friends or activity partners. I am not in to have a sexual partner because i am still mourning the death of my husband . I am missing the intimacy of having someone to share my life with, yet not that part of my life i am not there yet? I think it is very honorable that you are so clear with where you stand and what you expectations are if that is what they are . We all have our own reasons for stating what our so called needs are some times they come across as confused and yet somehow we have a clear understanding of what it we need .

take care and blessings
i would be willing to be your friend and activity partner if that is truly what you are in need of
 julesbee
Joined: 8/4/2007
Msg: 71
Seeking a sexless relationship
Posted: 9/8/2007 8:40:11 PM
The main reason why I really enjoy these forums is that it really opens your eyes to other people's perceptions.
I really like the way the author of the post communicated why he felt the way he did. I have ( nor would I ever have) thought about a relationship in those terms. It just goes to show us how unique we all are. Our experiences really do shape us.

I am sorry to hear that it sounds as if the relationship peaked at the same time it was consumated ( no pun intended).

The woman who was not "desired" by her husband thought it was her. He may have been experiencing something similar to you or something completely different.

Myself, the best part of the relationship is after some time and you have that "comfort zone" with your partner and your love seems to deepen as your sexual relationship evolves.

It just goes to show you how communication is so important in any relationship. We certainly are complex beings with different life experiences written on us.

It makes life alot more interesting.


 clay71
Joined: 7/11/2007
Msg: 72
Seeking a sexless relationship
Posted: 9/8/2007 9:00:41 PM
Are you in line for the priesthood?or becoming a monk?
No offense but........
I wouldn'nt know what or who to suggest?
Why is it that you need a partner but, want to exclude that area altogether?
It confounds the mind! Sorry.
JMHO
 rosesforyou
Joined: 6/10/2007
Msg: 73
Seeking a sexless relationship
Posted: 9/8/2007 9:18:46 PM

Are you in line for the priesthood?or becoming a monk?
No offense but........
I wouldn'nt know what or who to suggest?
Why is it that you need a partner but, want to exclude that area altogether?
It confounds the mind! Sorry.


For me it's based upon my stand as a Christian. I'm not at all interested in sex before marriage. It's not for a lack of a sex drive at all for me personally. My stand in what I choose had caused only one relationship to fail in part because I would not sleep with her. With that said, we parted ways and I was fine with that since she wanted something that I refused to give and that was sex. No priesthood here, just doing what I feel is right by God. Very very few women I'm sure would accept this, but I'm not one to compromise my spiritual walk to have someone in my life. I would hope their is that one woman out there for me, but if not then my outlook is. There are much worse things in life that can happen other then being single for life.
 HarleyKat~
Joined: 8/5/2005
Msg: 74
Seeking a sexless relationship
Posted: 9/8/2007 9:55:53 PM
^^^Huge difference between saving sex for marriage, and not desiring sex in a relationship, period!

For those of you who are so freaked out on the OP's CHOICES...you think he is "stupid," gay, crazy, weird, etc....it just BLOWS YOUR MINDS...have you ever thought that maybe that is what is wrong with your own relationships...that they put far too much emphasis on sex?

I love sex! I would have a very difficult time in a sexless relationship...and could not be asexual as far as I know! But I respect this man's choices...and obviously the choice of others, as well!
 MissySunshine
Joined: 5/30/2007
Msg: 75
Seeking a sexless relationship
Posted: 9/8/2007 10:12:26 PM
This topic was done on a talk show recently.Very interesting but not for me.Some of the couples were even married.They have a sexless relationship,but share intimacy in other ways.They actually seemed to be more in love with each other than couples in relationships where there is sex.
If it works for them,who's to judge if its right or wrong?
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