| Should I worry if my boyfriend has a close relationship with female friend
Posted: 9/11/2007 5:56:17 PM | This type of insecurity breaks up more friendships. I think you are looking for something to worry about. My soulmate was a guy nothing ever happened between us. But let me tell you thru the death of a child, Death of a husband, our different divorces. I know I don't think either of us would have ever made it thru all the crap in life ( not to mention the joys) with out each other. I lost him last year, to a drunk driver, miss my best friend to this day....
Chris and I always wondered what if..... but never, I mean never, did we ever go down that road... What we had was way to special...
One Piece of Advice I can give you OP. at this time you are just a girlfriend, They come and go... Maybe not in your case then that is fantastic. But bestfreinds are forever. Don't try to come between that.
You could lose out eventually | |
|
| Should I worry if my boyfriend has a close relationship with female friend
Posted: 9/11/2007 8:36:12 PM |
One Piece of Advice I can give you OP. at this time you are just a girlfriend, They come and go... Maybe not in your case then that is fantastic. But bestfreinds are forever. Don't try to come between that.
You could lose out eventually
Yep - truer words could not have been said. Another thing, OP, hold on too tightly you'll push him away. Furthermore, neither of you has the right to dictate or control each other's friendships. You're projecting your own insecurity into the situation, IMO, and that alone will not benefit you or the relationship one iota in the end. He trusted you enough to tell you about this friend - that alone should tell you all you need to know.
 | |
|
| Should I worry if my boyfriend has a close relationship with female friend
Posted: 9/11/2007 11:53:41 PM | ""Guys do have female friends all the time and unlike what others may say, we don't always have a need or desire to sleep with them. The #1 thing is can you trust him and her together"" Ok, and I can drink a few beers and drive my car 85 MPH down the freeway with my seatbelt off at midnite. But since I am otherwise trustworthy, would you think this is a good idea?
<div class='quote'>I have been thru many of these and I will not tolerate it Yeah, like 7777 7777 said. I've had many good female friends too folks, and when I got married or had a GF, I made it a point to only meet these friends at public social functions.
It would be a hell of a lot more normal and easy if either one or both of them got a clue, that is, if they want to be trustworthy. Trustworthy people do trustworthy things. Good people do good things. Confusing people do confusing things.
My relationship ended a couple months ago about the exact same issue of the OP. 50% of the people on POF said those old BF's and GF's "hanging out" was crazy. About 50% of the POF forum users said "if you dont trust them there is a bigger problem". How on earth do we know what they are doing behind closed doors when "they are just being freinds"? Another clue is, if you ask to go along, and lover says "that wouldn't be any fun for you" like Suzanne said. Obviously, the bigger problem was a huge appearance of impropriety. Does anyone know what that word means?
You must be very careful how you discuss this with your lover. There's about 100 online articles that decry this laize faire attitude, read them. So you are prepared and an authority on why this is wrong (especially when you cant get a straight answer, or he/she thinks you are acting jealous).
If nothing is going on, your BF or his ex will say "that's a good point if you love her, I got other freinds to hang out with, send me a Christmas card and invite me to your wedding"! Or they will invite you along. stuff like that.
I like to do trustworthy things. Dont we all?
<div class='quote'> neither of you has the right to dictate or control each other's friendships OP, no one said to dictate to him anything, where did that come from maybe I need to read more of the posts. You explain to him how you feel, maybe you could photocopy or print off some of those relationship articles about this topic, make copies for POF users who haven't read them.
| |
|
| Should I worry if my boyfriend has a close relationship with female friend
Posted: 9/12/2007 3:33:22 AM | Queen_Mab is right on the money!
Your boyfriend of six months should be worried that you have a profile up stating that you are single. As far as having a close friend of the opposite sex, this is not a relationship that has developed since the two of you have been dating ~~ they have been friends for 13 years and it is quite unreasonable for you to have issues with their over a decade friendship. Factor in that she is the one who wanted to stay friends when your boyfriend had a crush on her, so obviously her intent is to remain friends, nothing more.
If I were you, having only met this woman one time, I would make an attempt to get to know her. The only personal observation you shared about her is that she is pretty. Take the time to actually get to know her instead of fretting about whether or not you should be worried about her friendship with your boyfriend.
On a personal note, I have several male friends and my best friend is a man I've known since Junior High. There is nothing sexual between my best friend and I, we really do love each other like siblings. It's amusing to us when people jump to the wrong conclusions about our relationships or act like petty shrews out of their own insecurities.
Put yourself in his shoes. If anything was going to happen, it would have happened a long time ago
Getting jealous will only mean losing him.
My ex had a lot of female friends because he worked in a (pretty-much-almost) female office at a university. Many of them loved football (which I have no time for), but when they came over for playoffs, my friends & I would make them all corn & chili-dogs.
Keep your friends close but your enemies closer.
Get to know this girl! | |
|
| Should I worry if my boyfriend has a close relationship with female friend
Posted: 9/12/2007 3:54:41 AM | I agreee unfortunately. My ex...we broke up over 2 years ago now still good mates. But he had a feale friend that he waas close to and I knew she wanted to be with him, so as the saying goes keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Dont push to much cause you will push him right into her waiting arms...how do I know my ex is now with her. She has come to terms that me and him will always have a friendship but he chose her due partly to my insecurities. Its not worht it.
Besides become her friend to you never know you may just like her as much as you dont want to. Then you can hang out together wouldnt that be nicer than feeling like your missing something.
Take care and good luck.  | |
|
| Should I worry if my boyfriend has a close relationship with female friend
Posted: 9/12/2007 4:02:02 AM | Its been said and I'll reinforce it.
I have a friend who I've loved for over 12 years now. Its not a romantic love. Its been an unconditional support for each other over the years, not a romantic relationship.
I had a GF that didn't get on with her. The GFs gone now.
Friends are better than lovers. | |
|
| Should I worry if my boyfriend has a close relationship with female friend
Posted: 9/12/2007 4:27:59 AM | call me old fashion or just downright senseable, of course you should worry, he had and still does i bet have feeling for this girl, helloooooooooooooo,, answer this question and you will have answered your own question, if this girl was to come on to him or like him more than just a friend would he recipocate??????????????
why is he going out with her alone at times when he has you?????
good luck dear | |
|
| Should I worry if my boyfriend has a close relationship with female friend
Posted: 9/12/2007 4:32:10 AM | helloooooooooooooo!! your missing one important part of this story, the boyfriend had feeling for this girl and still does i would bet.
otherwise there is nothing wrong in having a good friend in the opposite sex, and yes, it seems lover's come and go these days but best friends are for life | |
|
| Should I worry if my boyfriend has a close relationship with female friend
Posted: 9/12/2007 4:53:25 AM | | really think that you should proceed with caution and follow your instincts. i been seeing a guy who had a very close female friend, he told me he worked for her, found out some time ago that he actually was her boyfriend, she a disabled lady in a wheelchair, that why i believed him when he said nothing going on between them they 'just friends'!! When you finally find out the truth, everything fits into place. Just be careful and keep an open mind, and ask yourself, is he worth putting yourself through this. | |
|
| |
| Should I worry if my boyfriend has a close relationship with female friend
Posted: 9/12/2007 5:16:36 AM | I battled with this question for years. I finally came to the realization that I was trying to "control" wheter someone cheated on me or not. You have no control over what he does or does not do. You have to give him trust, if he violates that then you have to move on. To be honest I am sure that he is a nice looking guy with attractive traits otherwise you would not be drawn to him, regardless of the fact that he hangs out with a friend who is a girl, there is always going to be someone out there who will want him. The only control you have, is your ability to give him your trust. If he violates that trust then you deserve better. Hard to hear I am sure but if you make up your mind that you will be loving and trusting that should be enough. If he loves you and is commited to you then all will be well. Believe me you will feel so much better if you just trust, then it is up to him and how much he values what you have together.
Good luck,
tdn | |
|
| Should I worry if my boyfriend has a close relationship with female friend
Posted: 9/12/2007 5:55:19 AM |
your missing one important part of this story, the boyfriend had feeling for this girl and still does i would bet.
So what? That has nothing to do with the price of tea in China. No matter what position anyone takes on this issue, no one can control another's feelings or choices. So it really all boils down to trust - bottom line. If the OP cannot trust until given specific verifiable reason not to trust him, then she should step out of the relationship. IMHO
| |
|
| Should I worry if my boyfriend has a close relationship with female friend
Posted: 9/12/2007 6:15:54 AM | ^^^ neilalagel said:
Put yourself in his shoes. If anything was going to happen, it would have happened a long time ago
Getting jealous will only mean losing him.
 Sheeeyeaaah ... not that he didn't try to park them shoes under her bed three years ago when he was crushin and confessed his feelings to her ... but she told him that they should remain friends.
Oh what luck, they're still great friends today ... and probably until recently (before singlenloving came along) he's been hoping for a green light.
=================================
I don't know singlenloving, I'm not you ... but even if you could shrug off his past love interest in her and realize the positive aspects of him being great friends with her (as some others have suggested) ...
there's still something about knowing he's prolly sharing all your personal shit with "another woman" that just wouldn't set well with me.
I guess there is one positive aspect for you though ... as you'll know right where to find him after you have a big fight one day ... and he needs someone to confide in and kiss his boo-boo.
 | |
|
| Should I worry if my boyfriend has a close relationship with female friend
Posted: 9/12/2007 8:16:06 AM | My best friend was male, there had never been anything of a sexual nature between us. He was like a brother...
We'd been friends for 13 years... We played gigs together (in a band) and everything...
up until christmas when he found himself a lady friend.
She took an instant dislike to me for whatever reason. I really tried to be friends with her but it was no use....
I havent seen my friend since January....
Think about whats bothering you... it sounds like you have the issue not your boyfriend. | |
|
| Should I worry if my boyfriend has a close relationship with female friend
Posted: 9/12/2007 8:29:38 AM | If everyone here told you not to worry you probably still would anyway, right ?
So, either get out of this relationship or learn to deal with it. He will resent being told to give up his friendship with her. IMO it's a gamble to let him have this friendship because it COULD develop into something more...
 | |
|
| Should I worry if my boyfriend has a close relationship with female friend
Posted: 9/12/2007 3:32:37 PM | """otherwise there is nothing wrong in having a good friend in the opposite sex, and yes, it seems lover's come and go these days but best friends are for life""
Folks need to have boundaries in their relationships. There are some good books. Yes you can have friends, just dont let them interfere with your true love. And I can drive drunk 85mph down the freeway. Think thats a good idea?
One reasons "lovers come and go" I bet, is many people with that attitude don't know what a relationship is. Fuk buddies come and go, not relationships.
""He will resent being told to give up his friendship with her."""Did she say she was going to tell him what to do? | |
|
| Should I worry if my boyfriend has a close relationship with female friend
Posted: 9/13/2007 2:30:13 AM | | What does it matter if he once had a crush on her. I am friends with guys i have had relationships with, it doesn't mean i want to go back there. My ex husband had a long time female friend. He even shared a room with her on many occassions when he went to his home town to visit. I had no problems with it at all, he was also one of the wedding party when she got married and the 'husband' had no problem with it either.It is all about trust as many other posters have said. I would be very unhappy if my partner expected me to give up a close male friend, it would say he didn't trust me and i would find that intolerable... | |
|
| Should I worry if my boyfriend has a close relationship with female friend
Posted: 9/13/2007 3:30:28 AM | Sorry to hear that this is happening..but it happens more than you know...he is just settle for you. I don't think this girl is attracted to him as a boyfriend ...he is hoping for something else though. This puts you in a ....stand in line mode.
Don't give him any "goodies' yet until he decides to be yours | |
|
| Should I worry if my boyfriend has a close relationship with female friend
Posted: 9/13/2007 4:13:28 AM | singlenlovin
I can jonly imagine how you must feel.
Let me tell you that my best friend of 4 yrs is a male. He has a girlfriend who is extremely, overlee jealous of our platonic friendship. They've now been together almost a year. It use to burn my butt, when we would just go for a coffee & his cell would ring 10 times while we were out in a 30 minute visit. She hadn't met me yet...not even seen a pic of me & I was "Doomed" in her books....
Eventually I spoke to him & we opened up to each other...he informed me that he really liked this woman & wanted to persue the relationship with her...
I of course was affraid to lose his friendship...if that is being selfesh, then so be it....but happy he had found himself in love...he deserved it....
How did I handle this ?
Simple....
I being his platonic best friend who loves him like the younger brother I never had...backed off & let him have his space with her...I got to finally meet her.... got to know her...if we ( he & I ) went out for a coffee, she was automatically included to join us....I even had a long chat with her, explaining our friendship....But she still has her insecurities...However she accepts our friendship...she may still think of it other than Platonic...but she is learning ...We do talk less, & he will call more when she is not with him, but it does work & we ( he & I ) are both happy to be able to maintain our friendship.
Your b/f should include you from time to time...it may help...
It doesn't always work for eveyone...but it did for our friendship.
He may be telling the truth...don't panic...or stress too much...
Talk to him....& her....learn about her...
I hope this gives you somewhat of an insight from the otherside.
Good Luck & Best Wishes
A | |
|
| Should I worry if my boyfriend has a close relationship with female friend
Posted: 9/13/2007 4:17:59 AM | ^^^^ thats exactly what I tried to do with my friend... I asked his new lady to come to a dance class with me... she looked at me like shi* and said NO, its not my bag....
I tried really hard with her.... She gave my mate the utimatium and he chose her....
I hope she makes him happy.... thats all I can say...
Instead ive got 13 years of friendship with him down the pan... | |
|
| |
| |
| |
| Should I worry if my boyfriend has a close relationship with female friend
Posted: 9/13/2007 5:09:34 AM | ^^^ bona dea;
The poster has done nothing to deserve your criticism.
Her feelings of concern about this situation are healthy and normal.
Maybe it's you people who can't let go of old friends, cause your afraid of losing something ... and prevent their new love relationships from growing ... that have the problem.
 | |
|
| Should I worry if my boyfriend has a close relationship with female friend
Posted: 9/13/2007 9:47:04 AM | | thanks for sticking up for me but okay well we kinda live together. when i met her once she barely spoke to me and i sensed she was uncomfortable as well. anyway i agree men and women can be friends. but then remember there feelings involved. maybe i would feel better if i knew nothing about his past feelings for her. i am not extremely jeolous. they see eachother at least once a week. as far as my profile name i have changed it so it still suggest that im single. but either way he does not mind. he knows i am on here. i guess he cant mind. i never asked him to give her up he already told me he wouldnt. he has love for her. | |
|
Home
login 
