| have a child with embarrasing illness and want a love life
Posted: 9/14/2007 5:50:28 PM | well everyone i must say i appreciate all your input on this, it has been a real eye opener, even tho some i found upsetting but many were good & positive comments and suggestions, if iv took things the wrong way with some of you i appologise dearly. its just that iv never spoken about it before, in a non medical sense, were as iv been thinking about me and not him, but thats why i chose to ask about it in here, to complete strangers, who would be brutelly honest and not try to be kind to gloss it over. i shouldnt get so defensive and feel like i have to explain myself, altho my son is a very disruptive teenager and loves to cause a stir with people so if i am ever angry at him or whatever its because of his attitude and not his illness u c, i cant rap him up in cotton wool if his behaviour is uncalled for, not to mention that he has used his illness as an excuse to get out of trouble, when he knows hes in the wrong, i need to draw the line somewhere surely?
i may have said hes too young to be told what i had said previously but i think about things like that in my head and it scares me the thot that he may never have a relationship like normal adults do, i wouldnt say it anyway, just wanted to make a statement as to how the reality of it may affect him when hes older. maybe i went into too much detail but at least if i ever did meet someone maybe thru here as this is my only escapism to meet someone, then at least they know and i dont have to explain it, altho a previous comment about not saying until i feel the time is right sounds reasonable, but if i cant get out on my own to date much then my home is the only option to have the date u c.
but the last comment i read there i think defo rings true with me, its me, its all in my head and yeah maybe i should lighten up a bit, give a guy a chance and see how it goes rather than nothin at all then at least il have had some fun times while it lasts :P thank you all for all your comments everyone, much appreciated, it really is x | |
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| have a child with embarrasing illness and want a love life
Posted: 9/16/2007 2:26:32 PM | Tara,
Last night I went out with a very nice man. I asked him to take a dance class with me. We had a blast! In our conversations, I mentioned my daughters irregular bowel movements. He said, "Oh, I understand completely!." I had chronic constipation as a child and it was very painful and embarrassing." Then, he gave me lovely words of encouragement. This is not the same as your issue. And, I'm, sorry if I make it into a comparison, that is not what I'm going for. There are fun experiences out there for you with men, and you can have them! Cultivate social activities that you love, and you can find others to share them with. It's a brighter focus, than your son's personal issues, and you can have a good time with anyone if the boundaries are clear. My date said, "Look at each individual as a sensitive, precious flower. All you have to do is appriciate them for what they are. | |
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Aug13
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Joined: 9/8/2007
Msg: 30 | |
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| have a child with embarrasing illness and want a love life
Posted: 9/28/2007 5:18:38 AM | My question would be this...how can you expect any man to be comfortable and excepting of the situation if you, the mother, are not?
I am sorry, this may sound harsh, but as others have said you need to get over it and not be embaressed. It is a medical condition. Be hopeful for a chance at resolution and retraining but move forward and except it for what it is...truly except it. Also, this does not need to come up immediately when you meet someone. Accentuate the positives first...you son is not a sum of his medical condition. It is only a part of him. AND you are not a sum of your son's medical condition either. It seems to me, and others here, that if you can find a man who you care about and conversely cares about you, this will be a minor consideration (especially if he understand that he will not be expected to be on cleanup detail, ya know!).
Good luck to you and your son. | |
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| have a child with embarrasing illness and want a love life
Posted: 9/28/2007 5:49:26 AM | | I am a single dad of a 16 yr old and he is a beautful person but is struggling with a attitude that is causing him to get into trouble, I've actually avoided dating till now because of being embarased and afraid that a woman won't want a LTR with me... I can kind of relate but at least your child's situation is mostly beyond his control, any guy that doesn't want to be with you soley because of your child probably isn't worth your time, good luck! | |
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| have a child with embarrasing illness and want a love life
Posted: 10/2/2007 11:27:04 AM | I commend you for staying by your sons side so far, and encourage you to do the same in the future. Children are blessings. I have five(biological) and I am looking into adopting a 6th. I have two with ADHD, of those, one is legally blind w/o glasses, the other has Asthma (bad). I also have a son with BSAD/PDD, and my youngest has Down Syndrome (complete with constipation issues). I have recently gone back to school to get a Masters in Special Education. It's interesting the people you can meet at college.... I would suggest this as a way of meeting people. As for quiting work, I would find a good sitter, a couple back up sitters and friends and family to help you out there.
As for being embarrased, I would like to tell you something that happened to me last week in class. We were sitting in class discussing our career goals and why we chose those goals, when I stated that I felt very strongly about persuing my career in special ed, because of my two youngest being disabled. Someone asked what was wrong with them, so I told them. The teacher looked at me and apologized (I have found this to be a typical response with many people). Luckly, I was used to this, and was able to respond "No, don't be....I'm not. I wouldn't trade my kids for the world." It's important to always keep your kids in that special high area of your heart. Never think your alone- you have two wonderful kids. And although you may get lonely and long for the comfort of a man, remember that relationships come and go.....being a mama is forever. Keep up the good work. | |
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| have a child with embarrasing illness and want a love life
Posted: 6/19/2008 10:14:29 AM | | There are lots of parents with physically and mentally disabled children. I hope that you come to terms with your child's disability. What about all the children with Down's Syndrome, Autism, Cerebral Palsy etc. These children sometimes have toileting issues as well. Our children come as God sent them. We have to deal with the cards we are dealt. I dont find disabilty embarassing. Just deal with your son's issues. Any man that cares for you would understand. | |
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| have a child with embarrasing illness and want a love life
Posted: 6/19/2008 11:25:38 AM |
...he ended up with chronic constipation and has been soiling himself since, hes 14 now and still does it. :(
I can only respond to what you have written, but the first thought that comes to my mind is this....
Millions of people have issues with controlling their bowels. It can happen at any age. Your son is old enough to wear adult diapers and to manage his condition so that no one else is made aware of it.
Your life should not be on hold, and his condition should not be something that directly affects your dating life or his. | |
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| have a child with embarrasing illness and want a love life
Posted: 6/19/2008 11:51:44 AM | Does no one have compassion for their children anymore? Why are you explaining your teenage sons condition to anyone? Shouldn't you be protecting him by not spreading it around, im sure he's embarrassed about it and doesn't need someone speaking about his issues.
Personally i don't feel any guy you start dating has a right to information about your children's medical history. I don't think anyone does aside from medical professionals... | |
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| have a child with embarrasing illness and want a love life
Posted: 6/19/2008 12:13:16 PM | Hi. I don't know what kind of therapies you have tried with your son. That being said, a bowel re-training program is probably, imo, a good idea. So is what that other lady said about making your son clean up after himself. He's 14 yo.. unless he also has some brain injury, he should be responsible enough to come home from school to change his clothes, on his own. I think you should get a part time job, at first, and let him deal with this problem as best he can. He will come up with something that satisfies you both.
But, as a nurse who co-specialized in gerentology and rehabilitation, bowel re-training, as scheduled times to go to the bathroom, regular exercise, and water are good ways to start.
I don't know if it'll help, but thought I should throw in my 2 cents worth.
The other lady said it's important for time for yourself, and i agree, if you are resentful about your lack of a social life, that affects your child. Get a sitter, go out, there are agencies that can help you find a tolerant sitter who can help out.
Good luck! | |
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| have a child with embarrasing illness and want a love life
Posted: 6/19/2008 6:25:56 PM | while I understand what you are saying... if it's not his fault... then why do you keep referring to it as embarrassing? Maybe they're reacting to you being embarrassed by it... stop being embarrassed by it, stop calling it embarrassing. I'm really not trying to be rude or insensitive at all, nor am I blaming you... but from my point of view, only going by what you said.... they are reacting to how you're reacting.
but that's just my two cents. I'm not a doctor or a shrink. | |
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| have a child with embarrasing illness and want a love life
Posted: 6/20/2008 7:16:43 AM | I think at 14 it can become HIS issue and not yours. There is no reason for you not to be working or dating because your kid has problems with his bowels. Regardless of why he has the issue he is now old enough to keep himself clean, stay home for a few hours in the evening and do his own laundry. You did not mention any developmental issues that would make him different from any other kid at 14.
Stop treating him like a baby. | |
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| have a child with embarrasing illness and want a love life
Posted: 6/20/2008 10:38:59 AM | | I know several children that had that problem and were unconcerned until they older. As they got older it got better. He is getting old enough that it will begin to bother him, if it doesn't check into the retraining. Hopefully time will take care of the problem. Get out and meet some people and enjoy yourself. | |
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| have a child with embarrasing illness and want a love life
Posted: 6/20/2008 10:17:47 PM | OP your child is so very fortunate to have a mother who has made the sacrafices which you have for so long. I know that probably does not take away the feelings of lonliness you experience. There are other tolorant people such as yourself in this world and one day you will find him or he will find you. I know that does not ease your feelings either. Keep helping your child and keep searching. Goodness will come to you because you are a special person.
Kenny | |
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| have a child with embarrasing illness and want a love life
Posted: 6/21/2008 2:25:45 PM | | I wonder if this is a bad time for you to be dating? Why not just focus on your family? It just seems like you have more important things going on than finding a boyfriend. Your son will be of age in a few short years after all. Also, is surgery or a colostomy not an option? Either way, I wish you good luck. | |
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| have a child with embarrasing illness and want a love life
Posted: 6/22/2008 7:04:11 PM | Seven years single, fifty years single, whatever. If your kids need you to focus on them, you either do it or hand them over to someone who will.
We don't live in the fifties where you can't have a relationship that fits into the parameters of your world instead of the happy nuclear family. I had a relationship that was very satisfying and my kids didn't meet the guy for a LONG time, and I always had my time with my kids that was needed. There is a lot about my children and their traumas (two have grown and gone since) that I never discussed with this man. It just wasn't a part of our relationship. Yes, you get to a stage where you want the companion in the home, the life partner, and all that, but until you meet him, don't deprive yourself, and don't forget how many people push to get that nuclear family relationship and then aren't happy....
There are plenty of men who have their own life obligations, such as a parent they care for, and a woman in their whole life won't do, but a place where he can have refuge, well, he'll keep coming back for that, and if he is a refuge for you, it's all good.
So when attention comes your way, just explain that you have an iron curtain up where your children and family are concerned and you don't have the time or resources for a traditional relationship, and if the guy wants to work out what kind of relationship parameters will work for the two of you, great. I'm willing to bet that a lot of men would accept this relationship with relief. If he's intent on having the nuclear family, and you know he wouldn't accept your son, then wish him the best and move on. | |
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| have a child with embarrasing illness and want a love life
Posted: 8/28/2008 3:08:15 AM | | Maybe you should take him back to some sort of therapy now. I would search around and really try to get someone who can truly help. Trust me, I work in the e.r. with alot of patients with odder things. Find someone he can trust. You will be saving your sanity and his future. Good luck to you. | |
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| have a child with embarrasing illness and want a love life
Posted: 8/28/2008 12:24:04 PM | Hey there! Read your note and am compelled to suggest a few things that have worked for me and friends! I know this note is rather long, but worth the read!
ACCUPUNCTURE! I know, a bit out of the ordinary, but it helped me with a few physical issues and I know of plenty of case histories that make this idea worth looking into!
A friend of mine and her aunt were recommended to go to a particular accu. practice by NHI (Nat'l Health Institute here in MD). Both she and her aunt were "transformed" and their case history went down in the medical public records as "miracle"! One had a rare lung cancer and the other had a brain disorder that caused all sorts of problems.
I went about 12 years ago and haven't had any reaccurances of my issues! Seriously the best thing I ever did for myself! Now you have to do your research and find a good one. The practice that I went to (Wun Hee Young) was from Korea and she had patience that traveled to see she and her husband all up and down the east coast of the US!
ANOTHER suggestion that has proven life altering is HYPNOTHERAPY. Why not? It's helped people stop smoking, overeating, cease bad habits, change behaviors, deal with emotional issues. Again, do your research and find the BEST!
PRAYER! That's a non-thinker, but miracles do happen and sometimes we just need some divine guidance! I've got a ton of stories to prove that point!
When it comes to our children ~ don't stop opening doors, even if they seem a little questionable.
Good luck and God bless you and your son! He was given to you for a reason! AND you to him! | |
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| Maybe I can help.
Posted: 8/29/2008 10:21:27 PM | Listen - you do not have to be embarrassed. My son is 12 and right now we have been in treatment for 18 months and are waiting to find out if he needs a tube and surgery. He's on the same medicine your son is.
Listen this is a terribly private disorder. Enable your son to handle this on his own with little interaction from you. My son has a secret 'kit' at school - a zip lock with a bag of wipes, extra pants and extra underwear. Its kept in the nurses' office and he was given free reign to access it with no need to ask permission. *I* make the bag changes because middle school is brutal enough.
He knows how to rinse out his own underwear. He knows to shower as soon as he can. And we have learned by charting that he needs to go poop before he leaves in the morning and then again after school. Also, anytime we'll be out for awhile, he knows to go use the toilet.
My son has gained some of his dignity back about this and knows this isn't his fault. It is curable. Is your son under constant care? This disorder (called encopresis) - not disease - can become deadly if not watched. My son has quarterly x-rays, doctor appointments and I understand that if things don't improve in the next 6 months he'll be having surgery to remove the blockage that we're trying to get out with the medicine. Good luck but don't be embarrassed. I don't discuss this with guys I "date". It's really not my place to do so - your son and mine are old enough to decide when THEY are comfortable letting the person know. If my date learned of this, I'd be sure he understood that its private.
And if a guy wouldn't date me over this - no love loss on my side. This disorder isn't my son and he didn't ask to have it. | |
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