| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/13/2007 11:17:48 AM | | OP, no you're not being unreasonable...*she* is. I can't believe anyone would want to be with someone 24/7 (or all of the time when one isn't at work). We all need time to recharge our batteries with some alone time for ourselves; we also need time to see our family, friends, etc. Work time or business trips are *not* one's free or down time; they can be more exhausting than anything else...there are days I get home from work and am so mentally exhausted I don't want to see or talk to anyone. It sounds to me like this woman may either be controlling, or possibly she has very low self-esteem and needs to have you there all the time so she feels good about herself. What she's not seeing is that by not seeing your point of view about this, and essentially demanding you be with her whenever you have free time, isn't the same as when you *choose* to be with her during your free time. | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/13/2007 11:26:55 AM | Everyone requires alone time -- even the most needy clingy person.
As people get older, or have spent more time on their own, out of a relationship, the need for continual alone time increases, and is part of the normal process of living.
For some, "alone time" is closing the door to their den, or watching a movie or sports event by themselves.
For others, it's getting out into the woods, where they can't be seen or contacted.
For most, it's somewhere in between.
But, one truth holds true. If you have to worry about what your partner is doing when they are off on their own, or you are not with them (or vice versa on all counts), then there is something wrong with the trust, commitment, or basic relationship.
As pointed out in other messages, if it's like this for the OP now, what will it be after marriage, or moving in together? The reason most relationships fail, is that people make too many compromises going into them on things that matter to them. People pretty much won't change... and the older they get, the less likely it is (without some major event, happening, or such). Personality traits *especially* are set, and get firmer with age.
Relationships should be comfortable, enjoyable, fun, and something you want to be in. They shouldn't be something you are always trying to get out of, or avoid.
The world is screwed up, and on-line is a deviant reflection of the real world. | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/13/2007 11:27:20 AM | Compromise is a big part of every relationship. Sounds as though she is not very compromising. If you can't agree on a fair compromise....best spend more time alone!
Maybe the two of you could sit down and discuss what each of you value the most....to see if you really match. "Me-time" is something I value a lot. If she doesn't, then maybe you both need to re-evaluate the relationship.
Good luck! | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/13/2007 11:42:18 AM | OH WOW ... can you say self esteem issues ...
introverted or not, we all (or most because she obviously doesn't) enjoy some alone time, This lady obviously doesnt like herself very much if she cant stand to be with herself for a few nights... I would have paid my ex to go out and be by himself... thats my time to prune/romance myself and its time that i looked forward to.
I would suggest that she takes this time to get in touch with herself.
I agree business trips are stressful and not really time alone.
Give her two options : Like it or Lump it
Good luck | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/13/2007 12:24:43 PM | OP, be nice but firm...tell her that if she can't accept your
needing time alone, then there's no future for two of you.
I enjoy spending quality time with a gentleman but
I don't want him up my arse 24/7, either. Good luck. | |
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sldk
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Joined: 2/20/2007
Msg: 31 | |
| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/13/2007 12:57:14 PM | I don't think you have to be an introvert to need time to yourself. I have a very great need to have my alone time once in a while and once a week certainly isn't asking too much.
I think you are being completely reasonable. Work time and travel time is not alone time. Alone time is when you can do whatever it is that you need to do to rejuvinate yourself. I don't think I'd be too quick to give it up for someone either LOL.
I have a tendency to pull away from clingy, insecure people. It makes me feel suffocated and pressured.
I hope you find a way to work it out with your g/f. She has to realize that you have needs that must be met that really have nothing to do with her at all.
She should take the time to hang out with her friends or do something for herself.
If you two are glued at the hip, you'll soon run out of things to talk about. | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/13/2007 1:16:41 PM | Scintilla has a good point. Rather than trying to get her to see that it is your time to spend with you, why don't you create a day of the week for you both to do things just to pamper yourselves? That way you are not getting something at her expense (as she perceives it now).
If she does not understand that then this is a situation that is never going to change because she obviously does not feel good enough about herself to recognize that you still care about her when you are not with her. There is nothing you can do to change that and if she is unwilling to recognize that she has an issue, she will not change no matter how long you are together. | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/13/2007 1:24:14 PM | Some are very very gracious about giving their SO personal time.
Take my ex wife for example ...... she found it in her heart to give me about .... well about 24 hours each day for myself.
I sure hope the next one is not as ......... umm ....... kind. | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/13/2007 1:27:46 PM | | I hate to say it, but I think she's being unreasonable. I also need time to myself. I start to get squirrely if I don't have time to recharge on my own. I don't get couples that have to be joined at the hip at all times. However, maybe her clinginess is due to insecurity. Maybe you just need to reassure her ALOT that wanting to be by yourself doesn't mean that you don't like her, or that she's doing something you can't stand. | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/13/2007 1:42:10 PM | Hello there,
I don't think the difference is an issue i think the tug of war that is resulting is the issue. we all have different needs and its important we give our partners what they need. If we can't we are simply with the wrong partner. Perhaps you were to intimate to soon and didn't know each other well enough to actually be together.
I don't think you can go by what you are normally like or have been in previous relationships. In older relationships i couldn't get enough alone time and created caves everywhere we moved. even built two houses because i didn't see that we could be together. Since meeting my special someone though that has all changed. I love being with her. We don't have to be completely absorbed in each other but being together is extremely important to me. Different relationships work for different reasons and they don't work for different reasons and to quote Goddesss13
<div class="quote">we have different wants and needs going in, so of course, we are going to have different beliefs coming out
Even if someone appears to have the same needs at the beginning they sometimes believe that we will change or want what they want when you've been together for some time. I think you simply need to sit down and talk to her and decide if you Love each other enough to give each other what you both want and need and if not do you love each other enough to let each other find what you both want and need.
good luck,
crazylilting
Edit: LOL Ron thats the funniest one i've seen you post | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/13/2007 2:02:56 PM |
But if you were to elevate this relationship and live together, how would you find this quiet time that you need?
but - if you need to spend the whole day AND night alone, what would you do if you were married? Not too many spouses will be tickled pink when you pack an overnighter and head to the Ramada once a week.
This actually came up. She asked what I would if we ever decided to live together. My answer was twofold. First, I said that was one reason that we aren't living together; because I'm not ready for that level of the relationship. She then asked me to commit to that level of commitment sometime in the future. (She sees it as a commitment issue.) I don't know how I'm supposed to commit to committing sometime in the future if I'm not ready for that now...I'm not a psychic.
Secondly, my need for alone time would NEVER completely go away. I'm ALWAYS going to need time to myself, my own space, quite likely more than a lot of people. | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/13/2007 2:19:38 PM | [Am I being unreasonable? Any ideas on how to effectively communicate this to her? ]
Not at all, just tell her you need some down time for yourself to re-group. I dare say, one day per week is not a big deal. It sounds like she's very insecure and a bit needy.
[Sometimes, I just need to be by myself, and not have to answer to someone else!]
We all need alone time, to gather our thoughts and unwind. I can not stand the feeling of being suffocated by someone...even a mate. It's not the QUANTITY of time you spend with a person but moreso the QUALITY of that time together that is important.
If she insists on being at your side all the time, she has some ISSUES which need addressing. You are being very understanding..now it's her turn. | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/13/2007 5:17:25 PM | She is insecure, controlling, unreasonable,
you, seem only to want to breathe alittle.?
kind of regroup your own self?
I get that, if I have someone constantly calling,,pushy,,I start crackin like glass.
I may be female, but I also like some solitude. If I am constantly being checked on, sat with,,I will lose it.
Now, this is more extreme, but if my then husband had outlined my personal space..
we'd have killed each other. That ability to be alone says volumes about a person.
No, you dont have to be out clubbin or doing things that are going to hurt your relationship, but geez..
she have no friends.? she needs to get some.
As I have moved through the social land mines, a quick way for me to hit the door running is if you want to know my every move,,call me way too many times...in a day
I will let that phone ring and look at it...I will not answer...
you are smothering me..
I dump these guys..ASAP
they could have a whole bunch of qualities..but I must have some space and I dont like to be smothered. I guess I am your soulsista on that..
Men dont understand it either and take that personally as rejection..
it's not you ..it's me,,unless you are clingy.....THEN it's YOU
I'm a runner anyway,,when it comes to that stuff..I scare off EASILY | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/13/2007 5:30:12 PM | So here is the other side of the coin everybody....... (hope your girlfriend reads it)
people are different with different needs, you are just as guilty trying to make her into a clone of your needs as she is. I would LOVE...better yet dare you! to let her voice her side of this issue on this forum....... THAT IS IF SHE KNOWS YOU ARE ON A DATING SITE....... MR TRUSTWORTHY. | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/13/2007 5:48:46 PM | | Stop arguing with her about it and and TELL her that you need this time for yourself, in fact i would insist that she accepts it and stops harping on about it. Tell her (firmly)one more time and let her know in no uncertain terms that you will not accept her b*tching about it any more.. You were upfront to her about it in the beginning there is nothing to argue about... My ex was like that and it got worse and worse, not better... Come to think of it she should hook up with my ex they can smother each other to death.... | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/13/2007 5:51:42 PM | Naturegirl... When you said this
you are just as guilty trying to make her into a clone of your needs as she is. I think you missed this bit
I was honest upfront that I am a very independent and introverted person, and that I need and enjoy time by myself. She said she understood, and at first it seemed okay.
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/13/2007 5:53:51 PM | OP you are the healthy one here. If a guy couldn't or wouldn't get it.. It would be later days, dude... I mean,I have to have my down time. Not when I am on call, that is not down time, I am still geared for work.
If this person wants to have this long term relationship with you, She needs to get a grip and respect the boundary's you have put in place. The same as I am sure she has some boundary's...
I would love to take one day a week for just me.. I can remember what that is like.. I know somewhere in the distant future it will be there again... I say keep that time for you and guard it.It is your sanity..
Good luck hope she gets with the program.... | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/13/2007 6:01:04 PM | | Don't listen to these people. You are being unreasonable. She's probably been hurt by some narcissistic loser man who used her and made the whole relationship orbit his ego-involved wants and needs. If you don't give a bit you'll end up getting more alone time. Like 24/7. | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/13/2007 6:02:53 PM | | I think I understand why she feels this way.... IF you need time away like this your NOT the marrying type.. how could you be married and STILL Expect to have a full day and night to yourself.... Her reaction might be from the worry you wont be able to commit to a long term relationship....meaning there is no future. | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/13/2007 6:07:05 PM | put it to you this way op...everybody needs some space just to gather together who they are...myself....give me 30 minutes a day just to sit and think and I'm good to go...not to mention...when you have lived alone,you have lots of time alone and get use to it..evrybody needs some quality time alone....sounds to me like she has a little bit of insecurity about herself....dont change who you are...if you need your time take it...if she cant deal with it...send her kickin rocks( your more then welcome to let her read my post) | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/13/2007 6:07:30 PM | Have you or she either one said that you love the other? If not it could be that she is feeling herself falling in love with you and she feels that you are pulling away since you said that you wanted the alone time and then days went by and you didn't take it and now you want to take it. It may not be that she doesn't really want you to have any alone time at all. It could just be that she loves you and she is trying to let you say it first and this just feels like she is in the process of being hurt.
So do you call it clinging at this point? Maybe. Maybe not. Insecurity? Yes! Everyone has insecurities. Everyone feels they are right while experiencing their own but feels that the other person is wrong when they are experiencing theirs.
Do you love her? If so, then say it. If you aren't there yet but you do like her a lot then say that. Talk about this with her. With HER, not us. Tell her that you like her a lot and that the times you allowed the much needed alone time to go by without a word was because you do like her and wanted to express to her how much by OCCASSIONALLY giving up a day of alone time. Tell her that you are afraid that she views this as you pulling away but that you really aren't doing that at all. Discuss openly and honestly what you expect out of a long term relationship. Remember the key word here is discuss. Don't raise your voice or use irritable words or tones while trying to communicate with her. Be considerate and nice to her.
Tell her that some people space their alone time out to one hour or so each day and that this just isn't productive to you. I'm sure she spends alone time each day doing things like having her nails done, hair done, errands etc. Let her know that this just doesn't cut it for you. Be loving in your approach.
Maybe you could agree that you have a day and a night alone if you will call her for 30 minutes so that she knows that you do care. Now be prepared to talk for at least 15 minutes longer than you agree upon. So if you want to get off the phone with her in 30 minutes you may want to agree on 15 minutes.
Whatever you decide upon I wish you luck. Finding that special someone is a hard chore and I'd hate to think I allowed myself to miss out on the opportunity of a life of happiness over arguing over alone time instead of coming to an agreeable compromise. | |
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ryn48
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Joined: 2/26/2007
Msg: 48 | |
| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/13/2007 6:08:11 PM | Well, you do not mention whether every other part of your relationship is hunky dory or not. But I would have to say, that those that NEED to have constant contact for their happiness and equilibrium, really do not get along with those that NEED to have a day off here or there, for theirs.
This is something that you both need to talk about in a calm fashion. My marriage did not survive that discussion - and we were both trying really hard to be reasonable. Good luck to you. | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/13/2007 6:12:46 PM | negotiation ..requires 2 people..
if you cant get it right in a relationship,,
you sure dont want to be thinking about marriage..
and yes, in marriages, the best ones have two individuals who have
more than each other going on...i mean their own friends
activities that allow them to grow,
spend 20 yrs with someone and tell me you want every non working or waking moment with them..
i doubt it
that alone or away time, makes the time you do spend together more enjoyable.
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/13/2007 6:18:10 PM | In my opinion I don't think that is unreasonable. No matter how much you are into each other, you do need some "me" time. You would become very resentful if you didn't.
I am not sure how you can make her see that though. | |
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