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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/13/2007 6:28:47 PM | Your second response, op, made me think maybe she's being clingy/insecure because she has no idea if you're committed to her longterm. If you've told her you will always need alone time she's probably wondering where she fits in. Has she been like this in previous relationships? Maybe this relationship makes her feel unsure and that's why she's clinging? There's nothing wrong with needing/demanding alone time. There's also nothing wrong with needing to know if a relationship has a chance of progressing. You two need to talk. You must feel for this woman, you're trying to work on a problem you two have.
I seem to need an incredible amount of alone time myself, more so as I age. Seems to be a common thing amongst single people. My mother and stepfather worked this problem out. They rented an apartment with 2 bedrooms. The larger one was "his" room. He used to disappear in there for hours, with my mothers blessing. He filled his room with his beloved books, a TV, his computer. He had hours of alone time everyday. He needed this and my mother respected this. Most problems can be worked out if both people put the effort into it. Good luck. | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/13/2007 8:21:22 PM | First of all, I would say that men and women think differently in general terms, but after reading the posts here, I'm very surprised how alike they seem to be and what an outcast I seem, lol. It really shouldn't though, guess I'm kinda odder than most. I think "five-marie, 1234kitten, CharleneAnn, and possibly even Bob" were onto something though with the advice they gave you. I'm not trying to presume I know you or your gf, but if I took what you wrote correctly, and she truly feels this way...
She also thinks that I should get my "time away from her" while I'm at work (of course, she calls me several times a day when I'm working) or on business trips (I'm gone on average about 2-3 nights/month.) She doesn't understand or agree with my point that this is not alone time, because I'm at my boss' beck and call. ...
then I think maybe I do understand her a bit...at least enough to maybe shed some light on it for you that hasn't been covered by the afore-mentioned posters.
As one poster put it, alone time means different things to different people. To her, so it would seem, alone time means "away from her" and not actually "away from all people period", which is what it seems to mean to you. She calls you when you are "away from her"/working because she misses you, and most likely thinks you feel the same way whether you do or not. People sometimes forget that others do not mimic their own thought processes. The two nights you are spending by yourself, which you are entitled to in my opinion, she possibly sees as stubbornness or even as a "getting even" ploy, because to her you already have scheduled some "away from her time" in those business trips. Maybe you should let her read this post, to see if this is truly how she feels and just hasn't articulated it well in the past... or at the very least, talk to her and ask her if she understands the difference between "getting away from her" and "getting away from all humans period". Therein could lie an understanding from which you both could find a solution.
Several of the posters asked something like..."doesnt she have friends?" and that she probably gets her own downtime. Maybe it has nothing to do with that. I am probably the only female you will ever hear say this, but I really don't get the ladies' needs on here to have what I'd call "gal pal" and "pamper" time. Probably because I've always been something of a tomboy and most of my friends being male, I just never developed such needs. Still, I am very much a lover of solitude...whether you call it "me time" or not. Yet, when in a relationship, I can very much identify with the comments made by the posters mentioned at the beginning of my statements here.
With your gf, it could very well be a combination of what I stated as well as their ideas on why she reacts as she does. Think on these and then have a loving talk with her. Chances are, as long as she sees that you are not threatening or arguing but trying to understand her, she might be willing to compromise and do some understanding of her own. Good luck and I wish you the best. | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/13/2007 8:35:53 PM | OP, in reading your posts, it seems that you and your girlfriend are not on the same page in what you want from this relationship.
She is looking for a future with you, and she likely views your need for "alone time" as an indication that you are not ready for a more committed relationship. You, yourself, indicate that this is the case.
Therefore, she is interpreting your need for "alone time" as a sign that you're Just Not That Into Her.
Which appears to be the case.
I'm afraid the writing is on the wall with this one. You need a partner who is content with the more casual form of relationship you desire. Your girlfriend needs a partner who is seeking a more permanent, full-time relationship.
Neither of you is in the wrong with this situation. You are simply not on the same page.
Methinks you will be finding yourself with a whole lot of "alone" time in the near future. | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/13/2007 8:40:38 PM | One of the things about being with someone is meeting each others needs and being happy with each other.
What you have is an imbalance of needs. You need your down/alone time, she doesn't. As you said, you were upfront about that, so she accepted it or seemed to.
I don't think it's unreasonable at all, not many couples need to have someone attached to their hip 24/7. If that's what she needs then you both may have to accept that maybe you both should look for someone else.
I've been smothered before, I know the feeling. It was the death knoll twice, they just don't get it no matter how you try to explain it.
I hope you figure it out and do what's best for both of you. | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/13/2007 9:25:10 PM | I totally value my alone time and can see how this situation would be smothering OP.
I had a situation when my ex was living here for 6 months (from another country just visiting and not allowed to work). We were living in a bachelor apartment together and I'd get up and go to work, be super tired when I got home, but would come home to him being all energetic cause he got to sleep in, was excited to see me and wanted to go do something. I'd literally have to have a nap just to get time to myself (as much as disappearing behind my eyelids was time to myself). It was too much for me. Because he didn't know anyone here I couldn't just tell him to call up one of his buddies and go for drinks or whatever. Of course had he been living here, able to work and make friends it would have been a completely different story.
Granted in your situation you're not living together ~ but how would you manage to get your alone time if you were? This is where I think it's really important for both parties to respect the other's need for time to just be. It's important to have your own things and not be reliant on each other for company all the time. It makes the time you do spend together better. There's more to talk about, time to miss each other etc. I know if I was in a situation where my partner wanted to be with me every second I wasn't working or doing something else it would be a problem. But that's just me. | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/13/2007 10:40:01 PM | "Unreasonable" is a relative term. Lets take this to extreme for a second...
Lets say a man is in the military and as a result he is away from home a LOT. He goes on temporary deployments that last for weeks...he is gone to national guard type weekends one weekend a month....he is under stress all the time he is at "work"....
He gets home, and all he wants to do is have some "alone" time. But his wife and kids have already done with a great deal of "alone" time, while he was on deployment or at work or at guard weekends....
Time away from wife/family is time away. It IS alone time. If you need so much alone time that this time away from your wife/family is not enough, then you need to find someone who does not miss you when you are gone.
If you are at the point where "seven days straight" is like some sort of horrid jail sentence....(just the fact that you term it "seven days straight" shows that you are not all that into her)....then you are with the wrong person. You really should not be counting the minutes until you can escape.
Just sayin........... | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/14/2007 4:43:48 AM | Regalrose,
I think you summarized her POV nicely. In my mind, "alone time" is time where I can do whatever I like, when I don't have to justify or account for every second of my time. In other words, it could be sitting around watching tv, going disc golfing with a buddy (if I choose to do so,) or simply standing there scratching myself for 12 hours.
The way I look at it, I love a lot of people and things in my life, my family, friends, playing guitar, travelling, etc. Does this mean I want to do any one of these things, or be with any one of these people 24/7? Absolutely not. Life is about balance, and I don't see spending all of your unscheduled time with 1 person as a healthy balance.
On a personal level, I'm starting to realize how important it is to me to not have to live "under someone's thumb." I'm starting to feel like a grounded teenager...
Think on these and then have a loving talk with her.
Problem is, we've done this several times. I express my need to have alone time, she agrees. The day roles around when I'm supposed to have my time, and I start to enjoy myself. She calls and asks if she can come over (or if I will come over.) I say thanks, but I'm enjoying my day by myself. She blows up and says I must not love her and want to spend time with her. We argue for about it on the phone for awhile. She gets in her car and drives to where I am, so we can "talk."
So basically, my mutually agreed upon time alone ends up being spent arguing on the phone with her and then she shows up anyway... So how this is alone time, I'm not quite sure. At times, I actually think she is trying to make me so miserable during my alone time that I won't ask for it again. | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/14/2007 4:52:14 AM |
If you are at the point where "seven days straight" is like some sort of horrid jail sentence....(just the fact that you term it "seven days straight" shows that you are not all that into her)....then you are with the wrong person.
Um...I went back and re-read my posts. Can't find where I said that. Although, I will be honest and say that my GF said almost exactly this same thing the other day.
I HAVE had the "counting the minutes" feeling, though. It starts to creep in after about a 1 1/2 - 2 weeks of nonstop togetherness. It really starts to feel like my life is out of balance. | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/14/2007 5:06:40 AM | like you I have to have my own alone time cause when I don't I get down right nasty... now 1 day a week thats nothing.. I think when your first seeing each other and all that it shouldn't be everyday.. all that does is make you sick of each other rather quickly..
one of the reasons I haven't been dating lately is just that.. most of my time is taking up with committements that I have leaving me little to no time to be alone.. if I dated someone I don't think it would last because I would get frustrated with not having my down time..
nothing wrong with wanting time.. she sounds a bit possessive to me.. but thats just me. | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/14/2007 5:14:49 AM | There are 24/7 relationships that work because that is what both people want. Then there are the "catchyawheniseeya" relationships that seem to work because that is what both people want.
You don't want the same thing. She wants a relationship that progresses and since she is thinking about you all the time she sees your time away, work or not, as a diss. You are probably not really "into" her the way she is into you. That's my thought.
I've had two years living totally alone and, personally, my alone time is pretty much covered at work. It's a quiet environment. When in a relationship I want down time but that doesn't preclude wanting to snuggle up or watch a movie and order in.
But that's me.
I would consider having a serious conversation with your lady to find out what is at the bottom of her concerns. Maybe she used to be with someone who went on business trips and they included a little monkey business on the side. Although business trips can be tiring there is usually plenty of time to sleep in, watch TV, go to a movie or scratch your stuff.
Otherwise you might find yourself spending a whole lot of time alone. And, if the thought on reading that is Yahoo!, then you should tell her that.
Sherry
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/14/2007 5:26:49 AM | | I don't think you need advice on how to communicate your needs to her. You have communicated them. It is simply that she does not accept it. The best advice I ever received on POF was "be yourself". For me I don't explain, justify or apologize - I just be who I am. And alone time is essential for me, or like you, I feel drained. Introverts, get recharged with solitude, extroverts get recharged with company. So it is just the nature of the beast....A rabbit cannot be a squirrel, a lion cannot be a fox, a horse cannot be a cat...You get my drift I am sure. | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/14/2007 5:42:25 AM | | Whether she likes/agrees with your alone time or not, she should respect that you want it. Showing up or calling on the one day you've set aside for yourself is rude. Now that I've heard this, sorry, but I don't think she'll change. Sounds like if you didn't answer the phone she'd show up banging at your door. Now she sounds controlling. You're going to see her if you want to or not. You've talked to her, expressed your needs, she ignores that. Maybe time to agree to disagree and move on. | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/14/2007 5:44:56 AM | OP, if you have tried talking to her and she still pulls these childish games, why not tell her you need a break.. not a day break but 2 weeks even (if she calls, don't answer, if she comes by, tell her she needs to leave). It may sound extreme, but it should give her the chance to figure out if she can make it without you (and you can figure out the same).. and if she can't, then she can figure out the next step. The time apart might bring you together or it could be obvious that you need to part ways. Either way, it will be easier to decide what would be the smartest decision if you actually have time to make it.
Good Luck! | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/14/2007 6:21:25 AM | well op I'm gonna answer that question in two parts..
absolutely ..you need personal space..we all do and its healthy to do so, however, having said that, it appears you've been together for months now and maybe her problem is that you're on a dating site, not that you won't spend that time with her. I know I would have a problem and would question why you feel the need to be on a dating site if my partner was with me....just food for thought...maybe you can compromise and find another activity you can do on your own
good luck | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/14/2007 6:41:30 AM |
it appears you've been together for months now and maybe her problem is that you're on a dating site, not that you won't spend that time with her.
As stated in my earlier message, I'm here for the forums only. Also, she has her own account on this site, for the same reason. She signed up after I introduced her to the forums. She'll be reading this forum, eventually too. I've got nothing to hide, and wouldn't say anything here that I wouldn't (and haven't) said to her personally. | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/14/2007 6:51:21 AM | OP you said "I can't see where I said that"
You are right. You didn't say "seven days straight". You said "two weeks straight"
"We just got into this again because after seeing her every single day for over 2 weeks straight..." In your INITIAL post.
I see that as the same thing. Your point?
You don't like her. FACE IT. Look at the negative words you use to describe her and your relationship:
"under someone's thumb." "grounded teenager." "She blows up" "miserable" "counting the minutes" feeling" "1 1/2 weeks of nonstop togetherness" "life is out of balance".
Get a clue.
Do the poor normal woman a favor. Get out of her life. You are being mentally and emotionally abusive by staying with her and leading her on and pretending there is SOMETHING WRONG WITH HER in order to support your position that you need time "alone". The two of you are NOT COMPATIBLE. You say that she will read this forum eventually? What a cold hearted approach you have then, sir. If ANY man spoke to ME the way you are speaking about HER here on this forum, I would kick his a$$ to the curb so fast it would make his bald little head swim.
For HER sake, I hope she reads this SOON. What a chicken crap EMOTIONALLY MANIPULATIVE AND ABUSIVE approach to dumping someone.....run them down on a public forum!!!! Good GOD. | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/14/2007 6:51:55 AM | OUCH! You mean you're writing this here, even though you know that what she may read may make the situation worse? I understand how you needing your space and not getting it could suck.. But don't you think that she'll be hurt when COMPLETE STRANGERS judge her? We don't know her reasonings for why she is doing what she is.. neither do you.
She obviously already feels like you're not completely into her.. and to air your ( and HER) dirty laundry somewhere she'll see it, doesn't make the situation any better.
I may be the only one who thinks this.. but I think it's crappy thing for you to do. Maybe the problem isn't her...
Maybe it IS you.  | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/14/2007 7:15:17 AM | Bethlet:
I see a difference. This (the neediness and clinginess)is a PART of her that I don't like. I've never met anyone that 100% loves every single aspect of their partner. When I don't get my personal time, I DO feel miserable, I DO feel like I'm under someone's thumb, I DO feel like a grounded teenager. I realize that is ME, and MY needs. MY need for personal time lies on ME. What I expect from my partner in a relationship is that they respect and honor MY needs, as I try to honor and respect their needs. The question really is, can we find a way to meet each other's needs when those needs seem to be in direct contrast with each other.
Batgirl:
I post here for objective advice. Notice, in my original post, I asked if "I" was being unreasonable. I could've asked my friends (and did,) they'd agree with me. I could've asked her friends, they'd agree with her. I come here because all these wonderful POF'ers aren't involved in the situation or have a personal interest in one of the parties involved. Sometimes it is useful to hear opinions from those COMPLETELY outside the situation. I hope she reads this. I hope she sees my posts, and it helps her understand where I'm coming from. I hope she sees all of these objective viewpoints, and takes them into consideration, as I have. | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/14/2007 7:24:09 AM |
She feels this is way too much. Her argument is that if I don't have anything else planned, or something specific to do I should want to be with her.
Her argument is SERIOUSLY flawed. I'm certain she knows this, too, but will NEVER EVER admit it.
It's nowhere near unreasonable to take just one full day and keep it for yourself. In my view, one day is probably not enough. It wouldn't be enough for me.
I know she's your GF, but care about her or not.. who the hell is she to dictate to you what YOU should want to do? If we weren't meant to think/decide things for ourselves... we probably wouldn't be able to do so. tell her that he unreasonable attempts in telling you what you should want to do only serve to make you need MORE time to yourself.
Maybe I'm just crabby today.. I don't know, but I'd also respond to this girl by telling her to grow up and find some of her own interests and that she doesn't need to be attached to you constantly just because you're in love and in a relationship... Oh... and I'd probably tell her to stop trying to run MY life and MY time, but like I said... I think I'm pretty crabby today. | |
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| GIRLFRIEND READ IT
Posted: 9/14/2007 7:54:39 AM |  I'M "THAT" GIRL...
I read the forum and have read all the responses from everyone. Thanks to those of you who had a middle ground point, instead of just judging me based on what you read...remember there are always 2 sides to the story...
Is it is so wrong to love someone and want to be around them? Does that make me a bad person? A controlling person? An insecure person? A selfish person so he says...
When he talks about me getting angry over one day of alone time...he fails to mention the fact that he works during the day and I work at a bar (mainly 2nd shifts). So yeah, when I don't have to work a night shift, I naturally want to spend time with him.
I have been married and divorced. I have a 4 year old son who loves to spend time with him. He has NEVER had a relationship for more than 3 months. We are going on six months. I want some kind of commitment. Is this how it is going to be if we lived together? I always thought couples got away "together" to de-stress.
I am looking towards a future. I am almost 30 years old. I want to be with someone that is happy to be with me...how ever long that is, a week, 2 weeks, 1 day....Is that so unreasonable?
Thanks everyone! | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/14/2007 8:28:17 AM | "commit to committing............ 
I was married to a very controlling guy. I gave him his space because that gave me a chance to work. I tutored students at home and he went out with his bud's.
I dreaded Saturdays since he felt like I must go with him to Lowe's.....hate that place.
And not my idea of "couple time" looking at warped lumber.
When he went to bed, I had to go also even if I wasn't sleepy.........he had to have his rest for work the next day. If it were coming to bed to play it would have been different and I'd been the first one in the bed.
Office lunches required I be at his elbow. He was an introvert and I was the opposite and kept the conversation going.
His alone time went from one night a week to two to three and finally four. ..drinking and whatever. Come home, eat a snack, go to bed and snore like a big ole bear..........
My point is that in my case things did not change for the better...My experience is the person you're with does not change for the better unless they desire to do so....and he didn't.
I can not change someone, just myself.
I don't think controlling people can ever change. They say they can and possibly try for a little while but revert back slowly to their old ways.
He had to know where I was and what I was doing at all times. "In case he needed me".
We didn't start out that way. It came with time.
Bad behavior has a way of slowly easing its way into a relationship.
I feel like an idiot now because he took advantage of my love and conditioned me into his "Stepford" wife.
It didn't start out that way and took about 23 years. Then in the middle of his second successful career and after 24 years he dumped me.
I didn't think so then but now it's the best thing he's ever done for me.
I don't think you said you loved her, did you?
I say run..........run for your life. You've already tried to explain what you need. You're not vested..............run and do not look back.
It's OK to be alone.
Hold out for your Ms. Right. That's what I'm doing and I ain't gonna settle.
If I see a red light and it's not on a traffic signal...............exit stage right.
Throw that line out and find a keeper.
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| GIRLFRIEND READ IT
Posted: 9/14/2007 8:49:13 AM | Nope, not wrong with wanting to be with the one you love.
Wrong is demanding, nagging.......Dear Lord I detest nagging........and insisting he be with you. Not saying you're doing that........
What's wrong with the fact he's chose to be with you? He's made that commitment.
30 is young. Granny used to say, "marry in haste, repent in leisure".
Enjoy what is now.
Every one's stress is different. So how can couple's de-stress together?
Being together......movies, TV, bowling, or just talking. Enjoying the time and the moments. Making memories not nightmares.
I'm sure he has added stress over this issue.
When I love someone I want the best for them.
Just my take.....
When I was a single mom of two little boys, I didn't want to confuse them with different men in my life so I didn't expose them until I found the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Little guys tend to form instant attachments. And they came first before any man.
very mature.............. | |
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