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| GIRLFRIEND READ IT
Posted: 9/14/2007 9:00:10 AM |
Is it is so wrong to love someone and want to be around them?
No.
But it IS wrong to force, guilt or nag them into doing so. Which is what you're doing.. unless the OP is lying.. or exaggerating.
I want some kind of commitment. Is this how it is going to be if we lived together?
Probably. He's not going to stop wanting alone time JUST because he loves you and wants a future with you.
I always thought couples got away "together" to de-stress.
They get away "together" and they also get away "apart" (though in his case.. he doesn't want to vacation without you.. he just wants ONE full day to himself. That isn't even remotely a lot to ask.)
I want to be with someone that is happy to be with me...how ever long that is, a week, 2 weeks, 1 day....Is that so unreasonable?
NO.
Demanding, getting angry, nagging at him to NOT have time to himself... that's unreasonable. | |
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| GIRLFRIEND READ IT
Posted: 9/14/2007 9:30:31 AM | | Glad to see you responding to this sweets. We all know there's always another side, but we can only respond to the side posted. He did fail to mention that you work different shifts. However, he did say he wanted one day out of 7 alone. That gives you six days with him, except for when he's travelling. Does your night off always fall on his day of alone time? I doubt that. Why can't he take his alone time when you're working the late shift? I'm confused. If you both work different shifts he would have almost a week of alone time. You say you want to be with someone that is happy to be with you, well, you can't force that. What do you get out of forcing him to be with you when he doesn't want to? To except a commitment from a man who has never had a relationship that lasted over 3 months, maybe your expectations are too high. I see two people here who obviously care about one another but are unwilling to change for each other. You both seem like nice people expecting something you're not going to get from each other. | |
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| GIRLFRIEND READ IT
Posted: 9/14/2007 10:09:20 AM | I must say I respect the OP for directing his girfriend to this thread. That was a brave thing to do. I also respect the girlfriend, Sweets, for having the courage to post on this thread.
I can see both perspectives. I am a woman who needs time to myself-------as does my partner. We understand and respect that about each other.
But we have enforced time apart due to the fact that we live almost an hour away from each other, and we work opposite shifts. We can only see each other on weekends.
Therefore, we make the most of our weekends, and we spend every possible moment of it together.
I don't see the underlying problem between the two of you, OP and Sweets, to be the OP's need for time alone. I see the fundamental problem to be that the two of you want different things from your relationship.
The OP wants a more casual arrangement with no plans for a future; Sweets wants to build toward permanency. The two of you are not on the same page, and there isn't any amount of communication or problem-solving that is going to change that basic incompatibility.
Sweets, why would you settle for being with a man who clearly does not hold you in as high esteem as you hold him? If he saw you as The One, he would be clamouring to spend time with you. When you need to request------or demand--------your partner to spend time with you............well, why would you humiliate yourself in that way? | |
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| GIRLFRIEND READ IT
Posted: 9/14/2007 10:44:22 AM | Gardennut:
I don't see my wanting time and space alone equalling me not wanting to think about a future together. Time and space by myself are going to be necessitites for any successful long term relationship I am in. I can't ever see myself wanting to be around ANYONE 24/7, no matter how much I love them. I've ALWAYS been a solitary, introverted guy. I've ALWAYS liked to spend time alone. I can't ever see that need going away. And I don't think it is that uncommon, either. I've talked to several married guys who have to "invent" obligations so that they can get their away time. Other guys build a den and spend the majority of their time there. Others go camping, hunting, fishing. Personally, I'd rather just be honest and say, "hey, I need some alone time" rather than running, hiding, and lieing to get that need met. I would HOPE that my partner would be able to respect that need.
Bethlet:
I went back and re-read your post. Maybe I missed it the first time I read it, but WOW...you jump to some major conclusions there.
What a chicken crap EMOTIONALLY MANIPULATIVE AND ABUSIVE approach to dumping someone I recall asking if "MY" expectations were unrealistic, and for advice on how to more effectively communicate my need to my GF. I can definitely see where that is emotionally abusive...good thing most guys aren't out there asking others if they are being irrational, or worse yet, asking for advice on how to communicate with their partner more effectively! Can you imagine?! We'd have a whole bunch of introspective guys who can effectively communicate what they need in a relationship! Oh...The horror! The carnage! It'd surely be the downfall of society as we know it! | |
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| GIRLFRIEND READ IT
Posted: 9/14/2007 10:45:14 AM | Sweets, I would like to add something.
I have been where you are. I spent WAY too long waiting for a former boyfriend to love me the way I loved him. I finally came to my senses and cut my losses.
Why do we, as women, do this to ourselves? Why do we hold ourselves in so little esteem?
I have a couple decades on you, Sweets, yet it took me till recently to figure out that I am worth more than that. If a man doesn't want me as much as I want him, then I'm not going to hang around to wait him out.
If your boyfriend wants more time alone, then my suggestion is to give it to him. Tell him that you will no longer initiate spending time together-------ever. If he wants to see you, he knows how to contact you.
When he does contact you, you may or may not be available to see him. You just may have found better things to do meanwhile.
This is not a threat-------it is reality. Spending more time apart will give you a chance to re-evaluate just what you want in your life, and from this relationship. I suspect that you may see things more clearly if you give yourself a relationship vacation.
Best of luck to you. | |
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| GIRLFRIEND READ IT
Posted: 9/14/2007 11:19:55 AM | Why is it SHE needs to adapt?
What is it with you people that are insisting that one or the other needs to adapt? Why should ANYONE have to settle?
People are either compatible or they are NOT. I do not see her interest in wanting to spend her time off with her signifigant other as being unreasonable! That does not make me a psycho! That does not make me a whiner! That does not make me mental! That makes me DIFFERENT FROM MANY OF YOU. It makes me DIFFERENT FROM HIM.
They are not compatible. Instead of running her down in a public forum that he then assumes she'll read so she'll be put in her proverbial place, he should just say "Hey, you are not the one for me".
Good lord.
WE ARE NOT ALL CUT FROM THE SAME CLOTH. | |
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| GIRLFRIEND READ IT
Posted: 9/14/2007 11:26:11 AM | The part that is emotionally manipulative, OP, is where you reveal that you know that sweets also is on POF and is active in the forums. You chose to air your dirty laundry here...you hoped to have a backing to pound her into the ground.
You got it too. From all the other people who are just like you....except I dont see them airing THEIR dirty laundry on the net so that their signifigant others can get pounded.
What you WANT is not wrong. How you are GETTING it by running your SO down on a public forum is wrong. Bragging about "she'll see it" shows callousness and extreme narcissism.
You were fine til you made light of the fact that you had no regard for her feelings whatsoever, and were going to relish the thought that she'd see herself drug through the mud on the net.
Not only that, you are arguementative and do not seem to be able to see any side other than your own. You can't even acknowledge that there IS an opinion other than your own that might be just as acceptable as your own.
I find you to be unyielding, uncoorperative, underhanded and negative beyond belief. And due to the fact that I think you are manipulating this forum to heap abuse on your girlfriend, I am going to withdraw. You do not deserve the attention, negative or otherwise. You have no intention of listening to ANY view other than your own. The only reason you came here was to obtain backing.
I quit.
Sweets should too.
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| GIRLFRIEND READ IT
Posted: 9/14/2007 11:33:42 AM |
The part that is emotionally manipulative, OP, is where you reveal that you know that sweets also is on POF and is active in the forums. You chose to air your dirty laundry here...you hoped to have a backing to pound her into the ground.
You got it too. From all the other people who are just like you....except I dont see them airing THEIR dirty laundry on the net so that their signifigant others can get pounded.
What you WANT is not wrong. How you are GETTING it by running your SO down on a public forum is wrong. Bragging about "she'll see it" shows callousness and extreme narcissism.
You were fine til you made light of the fact that you had no regard for her feelings whatsoever, and were going to relish the thought that she'd see herself drug through the mud on the net.
Not only that, you are arguementative and do not seem to be able to see any side other than your own. You can't even acknowledge that there IS an opinion other than your own that might be just as acceptable as your own.
I find you to be unyielding, uncoorperative, underhanded and negative beyond belief. And due to the fact that I think you are manipulating this forum to heap abuse on your girlfriend, I am going to withdraw. You do not deserve the attention, negative or otherwise. You have no intention of listening to ANY view other than your own. The only reason you came here was to obtain backing.
Bethlet- Very well said. I didn't have a problem until he bragged about his need to be right and to drag his gf through the mud. If you cared about her.. even a little, you wouldn't want her to hurt. It has nothing to do with honesty..it has everything to do with being selfish. | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/14/2007 11:36:39 AM | | I can't say anything new than what is already being said. I agree.. one day a week is nothing. In fact, it is healthy for the relationship. Sepereate people need seperate intersts to grow as people. But whatever you do, don't give her an ultimadium( sorry, can't spell).. unless you are prepared to carry it through. | |
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| GIRLFRIEND READ IT
Posted: 9/14/2007 11:41:28 AM | Bethlet:
Again, I ask you where I indicated SHE needs to change or adapt? I believe what I said was
needs when those needs seem to be in direct contrast with each other.
I would absolutely love to live in your world where couples fit perfectly with their SO; where there is never any conflict or differences in relationships; where there is no need for compromise because we all see things exactly the same way; where couples always agree on what a healthy relationship looks like; where people never wonder if their relationship has the potential to last, or if their problems will be the downfall. The problem is that I'm stuck in this place...what is it called? Oh yeah, reality.
I find it amazing that you accuse me of "running her down in a public forum." If people didn't have legitimate differnces in relationships that they needed to get advice on, there wouldn't be any need for a forum like this, with over 15,000 threads. To me, it would be WAY worse if I was hiding the fact that I was looking for advice. How is this thread "running her down?" She knows about it, has participated in it, argued her point in it. Is it runnning her down because most of the people here happen to agree with me? I expressed my point of view honestly and without exagerration. Would you think it was "running her down" if 90% of the people agreed with her and not me?
I'm not against examining my own views, whether they are rational or not, whether I'm being unrealistic or maybe missing her point. That is why I wrote this forum...to get advice on how "I" can make the situation better. I never said anything cloes to, "how can I make her change" or "how can I get her to see that I'm right and she is wrong?" Again, if I got a bunch of responses saying that I was an idiot and completely out of line for wanting alone time, I'd definitely be re-evaluating my position. In fact, there have been several posts on this thread that have shown me different points of view, ways that my GF may be thinking that I might be overlooking. I've come away with a few ideas on how we might be able to work through this that I hadn't thought about before, and I'm taking ALL the posts (those that agree with my point and those that agree with hers) into consideration.
I hope she sees my posts, and it helps her understand where I'm coming from. I hope she sees all of these objective viewpoints, and takes them into consideration, as I have.
Am I being unreasonable? Any ideas on how to effectively communicate this to her?
- From my earlier posts. This doesn't really sound like someone who is interested in only being right, but someone who wants to reach an understanding with his SO that both can live with. | |
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| GIRLFRIEND READ IT
Posted: 9/14/2007 11:52:43 AM |
How is this thread "running her down?" She knows about it, has participated in it, argued her point in it. Is it runnning her down because most of the people here happen to agree with me? I expressed my point of view honestly and without exagerration. Would you think it was "running her down" if 90% of the people agreed with her and not me?
The reason it is running her down.. and the reason 90% agreed with you is because they didn't get all the information. it was all one sided: YOUR side. You didn't win anything here. Of course we can all agree that we deserve free time. or anything else we want, or feel we need.
If you wanted a "healthy" way to get your answer, then why not invite her when you posted it?? | |
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| GIRLFRIEND READ IT
Posted: 9/14/2007 1:33:35 PM | | Sweets......read what Bethlet wrote and think long and hard about what you want. People are different, if this is a priority need for you ( as it is for me, by the way) IT IS YOUR PRIORITY NEED and you have a right to your needs. Nobody is right or wrong just different needs for different people. I wish you love. | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/14/2007 1:33:54 PM | | WELL.....i find the whole thing to be rather dramatic......I mean i understand if you need your personal space. Everyone needs personal SPACE...like myspace...not a "dating" website...If you were my boyfriend i think i would be mad that you would rather sit at home alone and talk to a complete stranger on the internet than spend time with me. IF you are just dating her to date her then that's cool. If you are in love with her and want to spend the rest of your life with her, well here's something you might not of thought of....what happens when you get married and have kids? are you just going to send them packing for a couple days b/c you want to be ALONE? Sounds fishy to me. I could be completely wrong. I too am a person who loves to sometimes just be BY MYSELF....but i realize that right now in my life i'm not ready for a FULL time relationship. Maybe you should evaluate your situation......just my opinion :) | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/14/2007 1:53:44 PM | msusnicknel ... you go on and on about how "introverted" you are and yet you post your personal business on a public forum?
Introvert … shy person … recluse … loner … hermit … solitary person
It seems to me that all this business about needing "alone" time could be for real, but you do not seem so awfully "shy" here on POF ... coming on here and airing your personal business.
That is not in any way, shape, or form representative of being "shy" (introverted).
I think the real issue here is that you are just not ready to commit to the relationship at the level in which she is.
There's nothing unusual about that. Actually it's seldom that two people in a "relationship" are ever at the same point of commitment at the exact same time. That would be great ... but it seldom happens.
The best I would say is to insist on your "alone" time as you need it. If she can't handle it, then she just can't handle it and she may need to move on. Certainly you are not psychic either ... you cannot predict if the need for "alone" time will ever go away, so you cannot make her any guarantees.
If she needs such guarantees, she probably needs to find someone who is ready to "commit" to a relationship in the same way she is. | |
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| GIRLFRIEND READ IT
Posted: 9/14/2007 2:05:23 PM | Sweets...look at the things he said about you and ask yourself if this is the type of man you want in your life...whether he said them publicly, or whether he stated them privately. Eventually, it will be your child hearing the negativity because he/she doesn't behave the way the Op "thinks" is appropriate. Seriously.
under someone's thumb...makes me feel like a grounded teenager.....she blows up.....miserable......counting the minutes feeling.....1 1/2 weeks of nonstop togetherness....life is out of balance | |
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| GIRLFRIEND READ IT
Posted: 9/14/2007 2:53:28 PM | Thereis nothing WRONG with either the OP or his girlfriend. The problem lies in the fact that they have different visions of what a relationship should be. I'm not gonna get into analyzing all the reasons WHY they have different visions.
Is the relationship doomed? It is if they cannot each see the other's vision and negotiate a reasonable course of action that works for both.
OP does your gf have a job or kids or SOME kind of involvement in life ither than wanting to be joined at the hip with you? Or OP's girlfriend, feel free to answer on your own...?
I can absolutely understand the need to have alone time or your own activities and iinterests. I've been sort of where the OP is right now,having had a couple of relationships fade out because I wasn't sitting in my house, available at a moment's notice for what HE wanted to do, when HE wanted to do it. ( OK that's somewhat exagerrated for effect, but that pretty much was the core issue)
And NO, time spent at work, on business interests, or business trips, IS NOT "alone time".
Alone time is when you do whatever YOU need to do to (within the bounds of legality, prudence and common sense LOL)"recharge."
Unfortunately there are a lot of people who are terrified of a moment alone, they get their "recharge" from interaction with family, friends, a SO, a bartender...in short being alone actually DRAINS them. I personally do not GET people who can't stand being alone for more than 5 minutes, but that in no way implies that they are bad or flawed people.
Now, "recharging" however it is we recharge, is a vital need and if one person is forced to continually be running "undercharged" in order to let the other person have a "full charge",sooner or later there is gonna be a problem when there is a siuation that requires both people, and the relationship to be at full charge.
If the relationship is only half or 3/4 charged, it's gonna be much more difficult to deal with that problem, whatever it might be. I won't go so far as to say that the "underercharged relationship"situation guarantees failure, but it certainly won't be BENEFICIAL to the relationship.
lCindy O
edit; Is that better? It WAs kind of "clumpy" LOL | |
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| GIRLFRIEND READ IT
Posted: 9/14/2007 2:57:47 PM | Ladyc4, I enjoy reading what you have to say in your posts, but it would be easier to read if you broke it up into more segments/paragraphs. When the sentences are clumped together, it is daunting to read.
I'd hate to miss anything you say! | |
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| GIRLFRIEND READ IT
Posted: 9/14/2007 3:06:14 PM | Sweets...too bad you live so far away - I'd want to spend every day with you !
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| GIRLFRIEND READ IT
Posted: 9/14/2007 4:42:10 PM | | if you have to ask permission from a bunch of strangers for a day off, then you're not ready for a longterm relationship. | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/14/2007 5:16:18 PM | No, you are not being unreasonable. You were upfront and honest about it. This is who you are.
Doesn't she have friends, family of her own? Interests, hobbies? Work is not "time alone". Insecurity is her issue I think. I would be very wary of someone who had no interests but me...and I'm pretty sure I couldn't be everything to that person. I wouldn't want to be. My goodness! What a burden that would be.
Of course I am also a person who requires my alone time...it is essential to my well-being. | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/14/2007 5:24:20 PM | I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.
People need alone time for different reasons and being that the two of you don't live together I don't think you should have to go into detail with her as to exactly what your reasoning is. If she cares about you and respects your wishes she will allow you to have your alone time.
Just my opinion; but she sounds way to needy/clingy for someone like yourself...you might consider trying to find someone else if she continues acting the way she has been or if it gets worse.
Best of luck! | |
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ponie
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Joined: 1/25/2006
Msg: 98 | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/14/2007 5:39:30 PM | I don't think you're being one bit unreasonable for wanting alone time. I am a very outgoing person but still, I want and need time alone just to 'be' and de-stress.
I'm afraid you've gotten yourself involved with a very needy person and it doesn't sound like this issue will be resolved any time soon. People who are very needy can't understand wanting and needing time alone. They always equate it with rejecting them which it isn't, but they usually succeed in driving away the very person they are trying to force closer. I think you should find someone more like you. Spending time away from one another with other interests or friends..or alone... is very healthy for a couple. | |
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| GIRLFRIEND READ IT
Posted: 9/14/2007 6:05:16 PM | Introvert/extrovert is NOT shy/versus outgoing.
Introverts are *depleted* by company; extroverts are *recharged* by company.
Problem here, besides their I/E differences, would seem to be that if he works days and she works nights, that he in fact has most nights as "time off" and wants additional time on weekends, when they could actually BE together, off. (I could be wrong about schedule meshing, as this hasn't been that clearly stated by either.) So wanting a day and a night would seem to be actually wanting 50% of their possible time together. . . .
And no: nobody's going to change much. If he's extreme of his type (and he seems so) and she's extreme of hers (and she seems so), their needs will eventually end it. Too bad, they both seem like nice human beings.
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