| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 3/25/2008 11:19:18 AM | HA HA HA!!! She wants you to adopt her kids??? Smart little tart!! She knows where the money is.
If you do that, you are going to regret it for the rest of your life.
If she wants to make like it is "only a piece of paper, but means so much to the kids", she is full of it. That paper cripples you for life, and sets her up for life.
Living with her is bad enough. Let her keep the bio father as a cash machine. Just say you do not want to intrude on the relationship between the real dad and the kids.
If she holds it against you, you know why. RUN before you are so damn crippled you can't run!!
I can bet you have more money than the bio dad.....How did I guess. | |
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heyyup
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Joined: 3/4/2008
Msg: 252 | |
| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 3/25/2008 2:55:18 PM | 1) What are your thoughts about this? in my opinion i think it was a bit unfair of her to ask you to adopt them , there father isnt dead so why should u? and personally i think you two should be a long time living together, as in years, or if you were married, before that question should even come about esp when the kids are so young.
2) If I did go through with it, it's safe to say I'm legally "on the hook" if we were to break up, yes? thats a yes to that one
3) Should I be as offended as I am or should I take this in stride? (actually the more I think about it the more angry I get) the fact that your upset about it does that not tell you anything?? you should want to do this not be made feel guilty and made do it...
4) Should I just cut my loses and get out now before legal ramifications can affect my future livelihood? well i wouldnt just bolt because of that but you both need to sit down and talk about this and tell her how upset you are....
5) Am I over reacting? i dont think so, its a very big ask on her part and a very big situation for you to get involved in.... | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 3/26/2008 8:16:16 AM | You are slightly over-reacting... The mother most definitely was seeing how seriously you take your relationship for one... I think you should be able to explain that this is a new transition for you, living together and with children and that you wish to go one step at a time... "Lets see how we live together first before we go jumping on to the next step" Maybe explain that in the event that you are married someday... you would more than happily adopt them... but that now, is not quite the time.
Secondly I have never heard of a man being forced to pay child support for living with and being in a relationship with a woman with children... though if you did adopt them that might change.
You've been together two years... so obviously you care enough about this woman to be that invested don't let a little fear make you throw away a good thing... and her re-action to you... is likely from the realization that you care but still aren't sure exactly where the relationship is headed.
One day at a time... | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 3/26/2008 10:55:31 AM | To be honest, I think the majority of single moms (in the UK atleast) are not looking for a replacement daddy for their kids.
I know Im certainly not looking for a "new daddy" fro my daughter. She has a daddy and that wont change if I meet a new man and get into a relationship with him.
All I would expect from him is to be my daughters friend. | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 3/27/2008 12:52:42 PM | | Well it sucks man but,it sounds like shes after a bit more.Why would she want you to adopt the kids? There not your kids, they are someone else's.You do not need to pay for there food,clothing,haircuts,or anything else.Unless your prepared to raise someone else kids than your own and pay for all there expensiveness's I would run and run fast. | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 3/27/2008 3:16:26 PM | Why not give it another year or two before considering 'adopting" her kids.Didn't you kinda do that when you moved in with her and her kids?After 'much debate"?Didn't you feel it was a good idea in the first place?And "it would mean a lot to THEM"???
Woah there cowboy,better do some thinking on this one,or RUN! | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 3/27/2008 5:53:07 PM | | beerbag,,,do a runner,,this chik wants you nailed down tight,,like a coffin lid,,,.single mums are the most dangerous predators out there,,,and shes showing her claws,,,,only rule with single muns is,,,,,never trust them | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 3/28/2008 9:11:19 PM | Hey, Beerbag, THAT is a tough situation. And even though we online KNOW that I am most definitely no expert on a LOT of areas, I do know a couple of things....................
1. I don't agree that you need to discuss the break-up with your roommate's ex... That is her job and is boundary-crossing for you to do so. I strongly believe that you will not get the accurate story from him anyway. Any way you cut it, there's a REASON that they divorced, and didn't just "separate".
2. I hate the image that she has somehow ensnagged you with her HOOKS. Noooooo.
I don't see that. I do, however, think its wayyyyyyy too premature to be going there with you, and I think you were definitely on the right track when you told her she needs to put the breaks on, for a lot of reasons. She needs to slow this down... alot!
ONE thing at a TIME. Why not see how your one-year lease goes first, then how the one-year engagement goes beyond that, and one or more years of marriage, then......
3. I can confirm what another writer said, yes, it is completely true that whether the ex-husband is being a deadbeat-dad or NOT, he needs to SIGN his children over to you permanently with adoption papers. Those papers state that he was once their father, and he will no longer be their father, in ANY capacity (child support, etc.) after those papers are signed. There are A LOT of men that would never sign the papers... and if they are...well frankly, then it seems these kids may need you as their "loving Daddy" more than I had interpreted.
4. And as I close down for the night, may I just echo to Disney Mom that I agree with another that she needs to lighten up a little. This is a forum. Plain and simple. I don't believe there's any place here & in this venue for hostility and venom merely because it happens to be nearly anonymous. Go pick on Mickey Mouse instead, ok? Gotta go. | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 3/28/2008 10:53:20 PM | I could not read 11 pages so I hope to add something new. Perhaps someone has spoken of the child's perspective. If you live with a child for two years, that could be a large percentage of his living memory. That child will have learned to depend on you and become used to the lifestyle you were able to provide for that child. That child's rights are what you should be thinking about. If protecting your rights over the child is what matters, then perhaps you are not really a good candidate for an adoptive dad anyway. But if you see that those kids as a personal investment and they love you, then supporting them, regardless of the condition of the relationship, should be a natural desire.
But then I am a woman and I am expected to support my children regardless of there dad's involvement. I had step children for over a year and if their dad had wanted it that way, I would have continued caring for them and supporting them the same way after the relationship ended. I even offered to take them after school until we got something else arranged. But that didn't happen and I am sure those kids have suffered a great loss of having lost a second mother.
I am disgusted by those who told this dad to hit the street running and this dad's who fears supporting children after the relationship ended as if the relationship between the kid's and dad is also over. It really hurts those poor kids. How can you be so heartless? | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 3/28/2008 11:00:48 PM | Mostly what this does is makes sure that she can come after you for payments. Tell her you would love to, but you want their biological unit to at least have his responsibility. Once you adopt, it all comes down on you.. You get the court papers to pay. Obviously you are already having second thoughts about living with her so adopting is something you should not do. Just remember one thing.. COMMUNICATION is key to any relationship. Discuss your fears with her. Sure she may get mad and throw you out, so be it... Better at least that way then being afraid. | |
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lr_ar
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Joined: 11/18/2006
Msg: 269 | |
| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 3/31/2008 7:35:05 PM | | I am ging through child support with my daughetrs father right now.he doesnt want her and hasnt had anything to do with her from day 1...and now its 18mths later..anywayi was told by the court that he isnt ables to sign her off..unless i get married and tha man wants to adopt her and step in as a father...so its kinda up to the man also weatehr or not u adopt her...he has to say yes she can get married,change the kids lastname all that fun stuff...it desnt matter if the father has custody or not if he is there being a father he has a very big say in what goes on with the kids | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 4/2/2008 10:44:42 AM | you shouldn't get in a situation that you are not sure of. you moved in so to her it is sort of like you married her. that is the problem with miscommunication and living with someone. everyone has a different idea of what it means.
if i move someone into my house, it is because he and i have decided we want to be a family. so we would have discussed his involvement in my son's life. and i would couple for a long-term relationship with someone that is not interested in playing an active role in my son's life.
So if you know that isn't the life you want, then you shouldn't stay in it. At the same time, she shouldn't have moved you in around her young children. No they don't understand adoption, but they do understand here and gone. It is unhealthy for them to become close to you and then you aren't even interested in being their 'other dad'. This doesn't sound like a promising situation. GET OUT if you don't want the family. | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 4/7/2008 5:38:48 PM | | whoa! as a divorced (or soon to be) mom of 2 little ones I see something wrong with this picture! If you marry the woman it may be a different story but just living with her? No, do not adopt her children. First even if the dad is a dead beat he would need to sign over custody and all rights to the children. And yes, you would be legally responsible for those children even if you two split up. | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 4/9/2008 7:17:53 AM | Well there sure are allot of uninformed opinions in this thread.
Once you live with the kids for two years you will be subject to the courts decision on child support if the real Dad is a Dead beat Dad then you may end up on the hook. In most cases the stepparent is only on the hook if the woman is unemployed. The courts are starting to drift away from this two men paying support for the same children.
This dual support will soon be legislated against because it is just not reasonable. If I as a man get into another relationship with a woman with kids and her kids benefit from this relationship then that is great. As for being responsible for them for all eternity well if I love them and feel close I will not need a court order to continue the relationship. However I should not have a legal obligation to do so. They are not my children and No man or Woman should be legally obligated to look after someone else’s kids. The problem is the government’s desire to not pay for the kids themselves. So they look for a responsible adult to foot the bill. If a mother cannot work and the dad is a deadbeat dad then it becomes the government’s obligation to see to the needs of the child. This stepparent becoming responsible is just nonsense.
I have a stepdaughter and i pay for her buy her cloths and give her money for other needs. Not because the court ordered me but because she is my daughter. I raised her from 18 months she never knew anyone as dad but me I am her Father she is my daughter.
Whether or not you can adopt will be a judges decision even if the Father does not agree the court can still grant the adoption.
I agree with a previous poster .....................this woman is trying to see just what exactly your dedication to her kids is. I also agree this was totally not appropriate for her to ask.
How do you respond...............I would say something like.................it is just a piece of paper it does not change anything or mean anything it will just give them my last name.
By the way if you marry her you can change their last names with way less hassle.
I would just say look when we get married we can talk about it then until that time it is kind of pointless. No government paper is going to determine my dedication to the kids. If she persists then spin it around on her and say so what you do not trust me to be a good person and do what is right for the kids. | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 4/9/2008 8:54:36 AM | | If you adopting her children is going to be a deal breaker and from her comment of "dont strain yourself" it seems that it might be. From my point of view sounds like all she sees you as is a meal ticket. Whether or not their biological father is great or not he is still their father. Is this the first time adoption has ever been mentioned? Adoption is not something that should be forced on anyone, its a personal choice. Something you do because you truely want to not because the woman you are dating or living with thinks you should. | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 4/9/2008 10:40:23 AM | i have 2 kids and no matter how serious my relationship was i would NEVER consider anyone adopting my children having read your message i would say NO in no uncertain terms do they still see their dad? you really need to have a serious no holds barred talk with ur girlfriend she's thinking of herself and not her children
cee | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 4/10/2008 1:07:48 PM | | if you are on here asking questions you have already answered your own apprehensions. It is also my feeling that a kid has 1 mom and 1 dad and right or wrong they have a right to know each parents if they are available and if not they should be spoken about respectfully. A kid may spend a lifetime aspiring to what they beleive would please the parent. If you marry you are still the "step"parent...this is a fact though you may lay down your life and be there more than anyone else in thier whole life...BUT you are not biological. I think You would be smart to stay true to yourself and beware of a woman that desires to erase her kids father....... | |
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