| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/18/2007 1:11:29 PM |
You cannot adopt her children unless he surrenders or the court terminates his parental rights.
Being the type of guy he is I think if he could get out of paying CS or put an end to his pay being garnished I think he would in a heart beat.
can't beleive you can stay with some one who could, 1. ask that of you. and 2. get mad because you're not jumpin for joy to take on someone else's responsibility! i got irritated just at hearing that she asked and that she got all pissy. thank you for letting me vent. good luck..........heather
You are saying exactly what I'm feeling... I can't believe she asked, borderline demanded it of me then acted the way she did when I reacted the way I did.
IF we had been living together for a few years and she brought it up I could understand but 3 weeks?!? Come on, srsly.
lol, you're welcome.
It is unusual / strange that she would wait until you have both moved in together before springing this on you. In my opinion, it just doesn't feel right.
One question though, even though the ex is a deadbeat does he still exercise his visitation? The reason that I ask is that if he still sees the kids he may not be willing to give up his rights so easily since it would effect visitation as well.
Now the financial aspect. According to what I have read, you have live with or be married to her for a period of 2 years before you become liable for child support. But, it can be as short as six months or depending on the judge it could be shorter. If he starts paying regular support the courts have held in some cases that you will only be required to pay the differnce between what the bio dad pays and what you would pay if you make more.
Good luck.
You see I just don't know if it's something that "popped" into her mind or if it's something she had thought about before. It's her reaction to my response that struck me as odd.
The kids father does see them every second weekend and when we spoke I even asked the same question of " Do you think he'll even be willing to give up his rights?"
She told me she'd "still want the children to be a part of his life."
I replied "Then what's the point of this whole adoption then?"
At that point the discussion came back to the "It would mean a lot to the children" counterpoint, thus the circular argument continued.
Now too the financial aspect: I was/have been under the impression that because for the court order I have no legal monetary obligation to the children regardless of the father non-payment. Obviously (if what you stated could in fact happen) this changes many things for me. I just don't know how I feel about paying for two children that aren't mine if we were ever to break up.
Ever since the other night all the red flags and alarm bells are that much harder to ignore. I love her but I have to think of my future first. This is my life after all. | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/18/2007 1:16:52 PM | | I may be alone in my thinking, but no one is ever adopting my son. I don't need help parenting him since I've done it alone for 7 yrs and I will continue to do so until he is old enough to stand on his own two feet. My child, my responsibility. If I met a man who wanted to tell my son what to do or try to be his "dad", that relationship would end very fast. I think a woman asking a man to adopt her kids after living together for a very short time sounds like a woman looking for a "daddy" for her kids. | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/18/2007 1:28:49 PM |
I think a woman asking a man to adopt her kids after living together for a very short time sounds like a woman looking for a "daddy" for her kids.
You see this is the other point of the argument I find perplexing. In a past post I said I don't know how to be a "real" parent and I just want to be friends with the kids (I am simplifying this a bit). Anyway when we've talked about my role with the children she said "they have a dad" and she "only wants me to be a friend". For obvious reasons this is good for me (the thought of being a dad right now scares the crap out of me) but then this whole adoption issue, what's the point? I just don't get it?
I really don't want to think it's the money, it kills me inside to think that, I don't want to believe that. However with that said I'm not going to be stupid and let my wishes depict my actions. | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/18/2007 1:38:36 PM | "The kids father does see them every second weekend and when we spoke I even asked the same question of " Do you think he'll even be willing to give up his rights?"
She told me she'd "still want the children to be a part of his life."
I replied "Then what's the point of this whole adoption then?"
At that point the discussion came back to the "It would mean a lot to the children" counterpoint, thus the circular argument continued. "
This is what seems odd to me since if he signs away his rights, as you have stated he doesn't have to pay support but he would also relinguish his rights to visitation and any sort of decision making rights that he may have now.
From the sounds it, and this is only my opinion, is that she does not want the bio dad in her life, waited until you moved in togther and this is the perfect opportunity. Also, if she only wants you to be their friend why adopt, doesn;t make sense.
As for bringing up the child support you can ask her if she knows that if he gives up his rights then she cannot go after him for child support in the future. You could also add, what if we don't work out and you have given up the right to child support, what about the kids. I would be interested to know her answer. | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/18/2007 2:15:26 PM |
If you have this many doubts, Id question why you are even in a relationship, period.
You shouldn't be having trust issues and concerns-theres a problem.
Do you not contemplate the ramifications that current actions can have on your life for years to come or do you just jump in head first all willy nilly without consideration of future impact?
I highly doubt you are as cut n dry in real life as you are on line. | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/18/2007 2:57:40 PM | to post #22
in ontario its one year but you can always get around that by making sure that both people pay for half the bills. that is what i have found out in the ontario law like i said ****make sure you are roommates **** and there is nothing they can do about child support. | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/18/2007 3:04:55 PM | 1) You shouldn't have moved in with her if you weren't ready to marry her and her kids.
2) Yes, you would be legally the father of her children if you adopted, and yes, that would involve your paying child support, not their natural father. He would give up all parental rights and responsibilities.
3) Yes, you should be very offended. Adoption is a special decision presented by the person who wants to adopt. It's understandable for her to want you to love and care for her kids, but it's your ultimate decision to take on that life burden or not.
4) I would suggest taking things down a notch by moving out, not because of those children, but because it seems like the woman you're living with is demanding and does not understand where you're coming from. Both of you should learn to communicate better and realign your goals for the relationship.
5) You're not overreacting, you're just obsessing.
And as a side-note, even if you did marry her, there is no way on earth you'd be ordered to pay child-support unless you adopted them. | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/18/2007 3:21:23 PM | Champ,
he doesnt want to hear these kinds of posts. Only to those that cater to his liking. It wont matter that you have told him the same thing many others have stated. He wants to swing around the obvious. Its easier to deal rather than the harsh reality of, "maybe you should have thought beforehand, before shacking up"  | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/18/2007 3:27:24 PM | 18 years........
18 years....
You're going to be on the financial hook for 18 years.
That's 18 times 12 monthly payments......THAT'S 216 MONTHLY PAYMENTS!
216 BeerBag......TWO HUNDRED AND SIXTEEN.
_You have doubts
_You have a uncooperative Bio father
_And now she's pressuring you
_And the longer you stay, the larger the payment
Listen to Swamp Thing, listen to WindRoper, listen to Chef8471, listen to ChampaqueGiggles.
And most of all. Listen to yourself......your first reaction is the correct one. | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/18/2007 3:51:21 PM | | Get out now! Walk, run, drive, hop on one foot if you have to....You may have thought this through some, but you guys were not thinking the same way.....These kids have a dad. He sees them. It is nuts to even imply you should adopt them. Now, I have to agree with Disney...people make dumb life altering decisions involving children all the time. I am speaking from experience, but I won't go into details. If you live there, the kids will be very attached to you, even if you don't do the "parent thing" and if/when you leave, they will be devistated. It will affect them for the rest of their life. I am not exagerating! She is obviously not a very bright bulb or an evil manipulator if she did not bring this up in conversation before. | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/18/2007 3:55:00 PM | Hi, ummm i havnt read all the posts but i assume youve been given some good and some not so good advice lol...heres my ten penny worth. I as most people grew up with a step dad, my real dad didnt pay maintenance (i was 2 when they seperated) and it didnt make any difference to me then if he was my adopted dad or not....what im trying to say is that he was there for me all the way throughout my childhood and adult life, isnt that more important to have a stable parent. It sounds like your partner has deeper issues, maybe shes scared in case you run out on her and the kids, maybe that happened with her ex partner? I feel that you need to show her emotional support, (we are emotional creatures lol) and make her feel secure in that you are there (if you are) for the long term. Kids are resilant creatures and in my personal experience it didnt matter to me if I was adopted or not...good luck anyways :) | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/18/2007 4:08:18 PM | And as a side-note, even if you did marry her, there is no way on earth you'd be ordered to pay child-support unless you adopted them.
Champagne;
The laws are quite different in Canada where the op and I reside. I am not sure of the laws in Texas but in Canada step parents can be held to pay child support for step children. I think the op would be on the hook for the full amount since the bio dad in this case is a deadbeat who is not paying any support.
As side note; even if he had doubts he stepped up to the plate and wanted to make the relationship work. The problem isn't that he had doubts it is that the rules changed once he moved in. | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/18/2007 4:14:12 PM | | I have to agree with giggles. It seems as if you haven't even thought of the impact all of this will have on the kids, just on your life, which makes me think you're right in thinking you're not ready to be a parent. Until your heart, mind, and soul hurt knowing those kids might lack for something they want or need, don't adopt them. And until you love them that much, don't say you love their mom. It's impossible to fully love a mother without loving her children. They are extensions of us. Single to single and parent to parent, except in cases of extraordinary love and willingness to sacrifice. | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/18/2007 4:17:50 PM | "As side note; even if he had doubts he stepped up to the plate and wanted to make the relationship work. The problem isn't that he had doubts it is that the rules changed once he moved in."
He might have stepped up to the plate for the relationship between himself and the woman, but when that woman is a mother, the said "stepping up" is only half-hearted if it does not include consideration for the children. The rules didn't change, he just didn't read the rule book. All of this should have been discussed before moving in. And the children should have come first, period. BOTH parties are at fault, perhaps the mother more so, but the op just the same. | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/18/2007 4:48:53 PM | So because I've been dating a single mother for two years and just moved in together three weeks ago I'm suppose to pony up accept her demand for me to adopt her kids if not I'm not "stepping up to the plate" huh?
This is classic stuff right here.
You said "You shouldn't have moved in with her if you weren't ready to marry her and her kids."
What? Have I gone back in time? Is it the 1950's now ?!?
You know, I never said I wouldn't marry her, hell if I hadn't seen it going that way I wouldn't have moved in with her in the first place. I'm just not going to dive into something as life changing as marriage until I know (as much as I possibly can) that it won't end in divorce.
This whole "think about it" rebuttal is pure horse s***!
It's like some here expect me to be able to see into the future and expect that the "adoption" question would rear it ugly head in the first three weeks of living together not mentioning the fact it's NEVER come up before or that they already have a father. Also to make my points totally moot we'll just forget about the discussions her and I have had where we've agreed that they already have a Dad and I'm more of a friend than anything.
I thought about us moving in together to great lengths before I did, however I never considered this type of situation. I guess I was wrong in trusting her and not assuming all single mothers to be bat s*** crazy. Thank you Disney and a few others for pointing out this error and I promise I'll never think otherwise again ;)
/sarcasm | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/18/2007 4:52:11 PM | from a females point of view..........run for your life. I would never ask any man to adopt my boys and my boys didn't have a dad in their lives.
1. they have a dad....if he sees them every second week at least he sees them
2. why would you want to take his rights away as their father
3. it will bite you one day when the kids grow up and ask you why you did that to them
4. IT MAKES NO SENSE unless she has an underlining reason she's not telling you
I may not be right but man I would be checking out a few things before I got in to deep and the kids really get hurt......not to mention you getting hurt  don't hate me just my 2 cents | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/18/2007 4:54:04 PM | | Ouch, that is a tough one. Hard to guess her motive here, maybe you should talk to a lawyer. My gut would tell me to run if you just moved in and she dropped this on you. But the flip side is maybe she just doesn't want to have to deal with the Biological Father anymore. But she should not be pressuring you to adopt, and if it continues then you should probably move out. | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/18/2007 4:57:01 PM |
from a females point of view..........run for your life. I would never ask any man to adopt my boys and my boys didn't have a dad in their lives.
1. they have a dad....if he sees them every second week at least he sees them
2. why would you want to take his rights away as their father
3. it will bite you one day when the kids grow up and ask you why you did that to them
4. IT MAKES NO SENSE unless she has an underlining reason she's not telling you
I may not be right but man I would be checking out a few things before I got in to deep and the kids really get hurt......not to mention you getting hurt don't hate me just my 2 cents
I absolutely don't hate anybodies opinion, I posted this for advice and to get peoples opinions. I do appreciate most of the feed back I've received. I've only had an issue with someone acting the fool and trying to start an e-fight saying dumbass things she knows nothing about. | |
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