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Pucks
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Joined: 10/14/2006
Msg: 52 | |
| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/18/2007 5:06:36 PM | Op,
i can totally relate to your feelings on this....dating a mom with kids, and the responsiblitity it could bring when living together...CS. Your reply to the gf adoption question was more than adequate at the time.
If you adopt your legally responsible for the children. You betcha if you break up, financially as well.
If you love her, stick around and give it a chance but if she pushs i'd run fast. Adoption should be something you want when your ready not when someone tells you too.
You are not over reacting. Not one little bit. This wouldt tick me off too. | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/18/2007 5:31:43 PM | | OK I've been reading what everyone else is saying, but out of everyone else no one knows her like you do. Where you write "One part of me thinks maybe she just came up with the idea, then another part worries about being monetarily responsible for the next 13-15 years for two children that aren't mine" I have to pose the question, do you think this is something that just popped into her head & maybe she spoke innocently without thinking or do you think this is something she planned to pop on you once you were in???? You know her better than everyone else on here....follow your gut feeling and be honest with yourself. First thing answer the question...innocent blabber or precision timing? Be honest....got your answer???? If you sincerely think it was innocent then brush it off & maybe she will realize the complexity of what she asked. If you think she may have planned this then you must not really trust her and what is a relationship without trust??? Remember you are really the only one who knows her. | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/18/2007 5:40:15 PM | | You've told us what she would like you to do but what do you want to do.....what are your feelings........have you tried writing down the pros and cons? I still think it's a sticky situation and kids today stay home until their 30 LOL so 18 is a thing of the past.. even when they move out look out because kids are the one thing that are there for the rest of your life. Somehow I got lucky and mine moved out at 20. Whatever you decide to do it will be the right thing for the kids, their the most important thing to keep in mine.....good luck, let us know what you decide to do | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/18/2007 6:09:04 PM |
Thank you Disney and a few others for pointing out this error and I promise I'll never think otherwise again ;)
You dont have to be a complete dic.kwad just because some of us are telling you that you should have thought about things a bit more in depth. You seem to be exhibiting a pretty bad temper tantrum right now. Theres no need to become pissy. So now you have switched your tune to add that us single mothers are crazy ( ) That my dear, is classic. No one is condemning you, you just didnt think things completely thru. In my inital response, I did say that it was odd she ask you, however, you seem to want to move in with this woman, yet, keep her kids at bay, and that seems a bit odd to me. I can understand your reasons for not adopting. You can be married to a woman with children from a previous marriage and not be held financially responsible for them. However, I can see where she might have been influenced to bring it up to you. You had been together for a while (did you say 2 yrs?), that is enuf time for her to see you as somewhat stable in her life. You took the next step into moving in. Another step would be marriage, eventually. If it wasnt serious, Id presume you wouldnt have gone this far.
Making the decision to cohabitate is a big step. But, if you are having all these concerns now, I would get out. I dunno dude. What exactly kind of an answer are you looking for? Do you want someone to hold your hand and say, "now there there. Its ok. Shes a strait up golddigging whore and you need to say f you and get out!"? What kind of answers are you looking for? You have a few questions and they were answered. People on this forum come from different walks of life and parts of the world. You are going to get a slew of answers. Just because they dont conform to what you want to hear doesnt mean that I am crazy. Im brash, Im honest, Im blunt, and I dont sugarcoat things.
So, how that you have some advice, what are YOU wanting to do NOW? | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/18/2007 6:19:03 PM |
2. why would you want to take his rights away as their father
3. it will bite you one day when the kids grow up and ask you why you did that to them
If you would have read the first post all the way through you would have seen that Beerbag is NOT the one trying to take rights away or pushing the adoption issue. I know your new so I'll just be nice and say please read the posts before you post.
OP I still stand behind my earlier post suggesting you and don't look back. This woman feels that she has control over you because you live in her house now and it would suprize me to not see it get worce as time goes on. I respect what you are trying to do but that is a HUGE RED FLAG!!!!!!!! | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/18/2007 6:45:02 PM | ^^
As stated above this would be a huge red flag to me also. The question I would have is, did she ever bring up the idea of adoption prior to you two living together.
Also, ask her why she is willing to give up any future right to child support and why she is not actively persuing him for the support that he owes. Finally, has she asked the bio dad if he is ok with giving up his rights to his children since this would mean that he would lose his rights to visitation? I know he's a deadbeat when it comes to child support, but he still a part of their lives and she has even said that "they have a dad". In my opinion there is something else going on here.
Also, for those who have said that you should have thought about it more prior to moving in, well hindsight is 20/20. You understood what your agreed upon role is prior to moving in, now she is changing the goal post on you.
I will say that more people do need educate themselves on the financial consequences of living with or marrying a single parent. I didn't know that a step parent could be held to pay support until my ex divorced my daughter step father. One of her lawyers first questions was will you be persuing him for child support? She said no since since already receive more than enough from me and felt that it was wrong to do so in her case. From what I have read on here and other posts this would most likely be the case with most single mothers. In your case, I don't think so. | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/18/2007 7:15:18 PM | If you would have read the first post all the way through you would have seen that Beerbag is NOT the one trying to take rights away or pushing the adoption issue. I know your new so I'll just be nice and say please read the posts before you post.
If you would of read my response you would of seen I wasn't accusing Beerbag of taking anyones rights away....but why he would even consider the adoption with the father still in the childrens lives.....nor did I accuse him of pushing the adooption. I believe I told him to run.........No need to be nice to me if you don't agree or need me to clarify something please ask and I'll do my best to do so.........However don''t accuse me ASK me  | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/18/2007 7:35:58 PM | | First of all she is not being fair to you. You just moved in and are not ready to take on the responsibility of being Daddy. I would tell her to wait and see how the relationship goes. If in a couple of years you are still blissfully happy and you want to get married then you can think about adopting them. The relationship needs time first. In a couple of years you may be asking her if you can adopt the kids. Adoption is a permanant thing. If you break up, you are the legal father and will have to support them. If something should happen to the mother, you would then become a single parent. All are things you should think about for a long time before coming to a decision. Good Luck | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/18/2007 7:51:12 PM | | This part of your post really bugs me! She doesn't want you to be their daddy but their friend. She doesn't want to cut all ties with their father. When you adopt a child the other fathers legal rights to that child are severed. I'm sorry but to me it looks like she just wants you to adopt them for financial reasons. If you are going to take on the financial responsibility for a child you should get all the perks too, and that is being the only Daddy!!!! | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/18/2007 8:39:22 PM | | be very careful..especially if the biological father is still in the picture..its fine at the moment because the children are still young but as they grow older complications can arise..a stepparent walks a very fine line..no matter what a stepparent must be extremely careful with discipline..believe me..i know..like i said while they're young its seems ok but as they get older u will see problems..only a biological parent must pay child support. | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/18/2007 8:53:46 PM | | well beerbag... the mom isnt being fair to you or her children (ive been on both sides of the same thing legally)...1st ..you cant adopt her children unless their father gives up his rights totally... its difficult to do that unless mom can prove he is a danger to the children.... I would seriously ask her why she feels this is neccesaary because it may open up a legal battle that she may very well lose.... including custody changes...good luck | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/19/2007 10:55:22 AM | | well all i can say is to be honest with your self and her. i think that if u are already thinking about the money if you were to split it's not a good sign. i think that it would be a good idea to wait untill u are married and then figure out what is going to happen as far as the kids are concerned. and then there is also there real dad, sure he may not be paying cause shit happens but is he a big part of there lives? he does have the right to not give up his rights. well good luck but i wouldn't do it just yet. | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/19/2007 12:02:02 PM | I believe talking about future goals and plans and expectations is a two way street. I hear a lot of people talking about the original poster and that he failed to clarify the main issues of moving in with this women. But it's also on her to try to be open and address these issues as well.
Of course she wasn't going to bring it up. Why would she do that? If she brought all the complicated life and money issues to the forefront, she'd risk losing the OP because he'd have to actually look at the whole situation and see how much he has to lose or gain by staying.
Communication is a two way street. Why she is saying so little is obvious. Why you said little or didn't make it an issue yourself? Maybe you got caught up in the moment. God knows all of us are guilty of that from time to time.
Something I learned over time, if you see a red flag, don't ignore it. Because often when you get out of a bad relationship, you always remember those glaring red flags you ignored early on that you chose to ignore and they came back to bite you in the butt.
If it was me, I'd cut bait. Your doubts aren't going to get any better with time. And unfortunately the clock is ticking on your legal obligations in this situation. Talk to a lawyer and find the most effective way to legally separate yourself from this women, her kids and this situation as clean as possible. | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/19/2007 1:08:40 PM | There is some wise advise here from both men and women.
I've been there......Yeap, moved in with a woman who has children...it proven to be a BIG MISTAKE.
In the beginning I was her first priority, my needs came first and it felt good. And I was in love....what a wonderful woman I found...so I thought at the time.
Then I moved in.....and in little as 4 months. She changed.
In your case, from what I've read... In as little as 3 weeks she's changing right in front of you.
_Pain, is an excellent teacher BeerBag. | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/19/2007 1:25:40 PM | ^ um yeah dude your needs shouldn't come first, the kids should always be ahead of you. To expect a parent to put their spouses above their children is just greedy and self absorbed. My step father was like that and I'd be damned if I would ever be like that.
Anyway this is all moot now, wasn't sure if I would bother doing an update but since this thread is at the top of the first page I figured I would.
I had a talk with her last night about all of this (yes even the money part). We decided the best thing for me to do is to move out and for us to separate. I'm not ready to take on this financial responsibility for the next 13-15 years (especially if we aren't together) and she needs more security than I'm willing to give at this point.
I thank you all for your advice and opinions. It did force me to discuss it and not sweep it under the rug. | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/19/2007 7:21:25 PM | It seems as if you haven't even thought of the impact all of this will have on the kids, just on your life, which makes me think you're right in thinking you're not ready to be a parent.
well, duh!! were you ready to be a parent when that time came? i sure the hell wasn't. you learn. and when all is said and done at the end of the night, all you have to do is look in the mirror when your brushing your teeth, and be able smile when you say, "i did the best i could, and this is what i learned...." being a parent is a learning process. anyone who sais it's easy, or that they have all the answers, is selling you something!  | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/19/2007 9:14:04 PM | OK - to be honest, I have to first agree with the poster above. Do NOT talk to her ex - I can tell you word for word what MY ex would say - and he can tell you what I would say - and those stories are very different. And change as years go on.
And he's not paying child support even though he's working (albeit under the table) - which brings his trustworthiness into question to begin with.
Just a couple of legal points (going through a child support renegotiation right now since I have one that's over 18) that might make your decision a little less stressful (and "out of your hands")...
1. To my knowledge, there is no law in any state that will require you to pay child support if you split up as long as there is a father who has a court order to pay. You can NOT charge two men child support for the same child. If he's not paying, they can't make YOU pay - they have to go after him.
2. If you adopt the kids, they're yours - you're not their "pseudo-dad," you're their DAD - and yes, if you split up, you'll have to pay support - and you'll get visitation - think carefully before you make that step.
3. No father that exercises his visitation is going to sign away his parental rights - and no court will TAKE them away (believe it or not, nonpayment is NOT valid reason to remove parental rights OR withhold visitation). Unless he signs, you can't adopt them anyway...so I wouldn't worry about it.
From a personal standpoint, I wouldn't even consider it unless you were getting married.
That's my 2 cents. Hope it helps. | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/20/2007 8:33:38 AM | 1. To my knowledge, there is no law in any state that will require you to pay child support if you split up as long as there is a father who has a court order to pay. You can NOT charge two men child support for the same child. If he's not paying, they can't make YOU pay - they have to go after him.
The op lives in Canada where step parents can be held to pay child support. In Canada you can have two former step parents paying for the same child. | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/20/2007 9:21:59 AM | Having been a single parent for many years, I know the issue of children can be a heavy one on a relationship.
But you know, I was reading your post over and a thought came to me. And please, dont take this wrong because I mean it in a respectful way. If there was EVER a doubt, about living with her, that should have been a huge sign. When there are children involved, making life changing decisons should always be based on the children. Kids dont pick their parents, their born to them. Single parent and children are package deals. I can understand that it would be a huge undertaking to walk into a ready made family.....Just seems like maybe moving in may have not been a good idea...... | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/20/2007 9:24:02 AM | Child support in Canada is based on the payors income but it does depend on the judge that you get. Some judgements have had the step parent only pay the difference between what the bio parent pays and the step parent would pay based on their income (this only applies of course if the step parent makes more money than the non-custodial bio parent).
In some cases where, as with the op's, the bio parent is paying nothing the courts and agencies here will go after him for the complete amount of the child support since he has income and it will be easier to get it from him.
In a rare cases, a single parent can collect from two or more payors. I have only heard of two cases on here. I think his name was vanguy who was paying full support of his step son and the bio dad was paying full support. The other I can't remember who it was. In my own case when my ex wife divorced our daughters step father, she was asked by her lawyer if she wanted to persue child support and for the full amount from our daughter's former step father. She declined since she didn't feel it was right since she already collects more than the full amount from myself and did not feel that it was morally correct to collect from two different fathers for the same child. | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/20/2007 9:24:13 AM | | OP it sounds like you both ended up doing the right thing. Hopefully, if you date another single mom you will know to think this through all the way to the end and not do anything that will confuse the kids. And I hope that she learned something from this and won't move any more men into her home unless this is discussed beforehand. | |
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