| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/22/2007 2:29:15 PM | hey I am really sorry for the situation you find yourself in here... I am a single parent and I would never ask someone to adopt my child...they would need to ask me and I would have to be totally sure of them if I was even going to consider it....
I agree you have moved in and are the male influence in their lives...I would be asking her what it means to her for you to adopt her kids... Yes you need to learn to love them and see them as your responsibility emotionally etc... if you are going to live there with them kids need this but I am not sure about the adoption thing...how long have you been together??? and I don't actually think their real father would be too happy about this?
Anyway I think you have answered your own question...if you need to ask here and you are clearly not comfortable with this then don't do it , its all sounds to me like ending in disaster and the kids getting hurt....
Why as you say can't you just love them, care for them and be the best person you can be with them??? I think you girlfriend may have some insecurity issues ( just my opinion) but I don't think you should adopt the kids because you have been bullied into it.... good luck | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/22/2007 3:32:37 PM | She is way out of line asking you to adopt her kids when the father is still in the picture, whether he pays his support on time or not. That question alone would make me wonder about her and her motives. It would be his decision to give up all claims to his children not hers.
I cannot understand for the life of me why someone that is obviously not ready for fatherhood would consider moving in with a single Mother. What exactly did you expect from moving in with her? Are you engaged? Planning on marrying? It sure sounds to me as if she thinks that by moving in together it will force you to make a decision. When there are children present unless you are completely serious about the Mother, maintain your own place. The last thing in the world those kids need is confusion or even worse rejection. She is playing a very dangerous game. | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/23/2007 12:16:58 PM | | probably not advice but i cant understand why she wants you to adopt the children if your happyand the kids are happy no problem ! maybe thats the approach you need to take ! ask her if she is happy ! ask her if the children are happy and why change things take a step at a time! | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/24/2007 8:50:41 PM | Beerbag
Guess what -- you are pretty much f*cked - the only way out is to run like a motherf*cker - ain't looking back -- shit --- that is what I have been preaching to innocent hard-working men - do not get yourself into this type of shit -- it might even be too late -- the loco parentis might kick in and hell, you only wish you turn the hands of time -- Oh god -- you are a living example of why one should try to never ever get into a long term relationship with a single mom - dating is fine as long you do not get too deep into this long=term parenting de facto shit...Shit ain't worth nothing | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/24/2007 9:29:30 PM | According to what I have read, you have live with or be married to her for a period of 2 years before you become liable for child support. But, it can be as short as six months or depending on the judge it could be shorter.
Not sure about Alberta, OP, but in BC it's 1 year living with mother and kid(s) you can be held to CS for both of the kids.
As Chef mentioned it could very well be less time if you are the major money maker in the relationship.
I say get out. It just isn't worth it. Why live together anyway? Be in love from different addresses.
Edit to add:
^^^^ What I said up there has NOTHING to do with adoption, either. Just living with her will make you liable for paying CS. Not marraige, no adoption, just living together. | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/25/2007 12:08:47 AM | My two-cents,
I dont know what you were thinking but when you decide to become seriously involved with a single parent then the kids are a part of the deal. If you have no real intention of having a family with this woman then why lead her on for 2 years? I think you should sit down and talk with her about where each of you would like the relationship to go, kind of a lay all the cards on the table type of deal. | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/25/2007 6:11:32 PM | Wow that is a big question... especially if the subject has never been brought up before.
Being adopted and a single mom, I believe you should not adopt those children unless that is what YOU wanted. And it should be a decision that you make on your own and then discuss it with their mother.
From my understanding.... from childsupport concellor. You do not have to pay any child support unless you adopt those children. This discussion was brought up one night with some friends, some believed that if you married her that their father would no longer have to pay child support... THAT IS FALSE. My friend is still paying childsupport for his son even though his son's mother is now re-married.
Really the decision is yours as to what your next actions are. | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/25/2007 8:25:34 PM | I wouldn't adopt them unless you were to get married, AND you felt that they were YOUR kids, not just your wife's children. Unless you feel like you love the kids to the point that you would want to have a relationship and help raise them if you two were broken up, then you shouldn't be adopting them. They deserve better than that (not to say you arent a good guy, but they deserve someone who truly loves and wants them to be their adopted dad).
I don't think there's any reason to get mad, I doubt she's thinking of the possible child support. It's probably just an innocent though, she loves you and wants the best for her kids. Let her know that you aren't ready for that step yet, but also let her know when/if you would ever be ready for it. It's not a decision that should be made lightly. It seems like you're more concerned with the possibility of having to pay Child support than the future of your relationship. | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/29/2007 11:40:36 AM | if you adopt them....you will have to pay child support......yes....you will always be on the hook......as for being offended......I am going to hope this woman was actually flatterng you by saying what a great daddy you would be in her opinion....and she trusted you enough to WANT you to be the father of her children......BUT this is not something that she should ask you.........adopting children is as lifechanging as having one of your own.....and well......if you want to be a part of these children's lives forever even Without her in the picture......then adopt....if NOT.......then DONT....lolol...I feel a man can be a wonderful stepfather to a womans's children......and dont feel that he should adopt unless.....1....he comes up with the idea on his own....2....they are very young and think of him as daddy.....3....has helped Raise them......for a long time....and plans to continue.....4....there is NO father in the picture AT ALL.......b/c if the father of those children is involved at all......then it isnt fair to try to pick your children a new one...........If you are in love with this woman....just be firm...and tell her.....NO......you are not comfortable maybe later on.........but you will let her know if you would like to..not the other way around.....and if she continues to nag....about it.....just be point blank....LISTEN......it is not happening...now.....are you gonna let that ruin our relationship b/c if so.....tell me now...so I can leave......as far as overreacting?.....well...I think you had very valid points....but no reason to let this ruin your relationship........you can just agree........to .....disagree......
Good Luck,
Free_Spirit_Lady2006 | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/29/2007 5:06:41 PM | A two year relationship, I really feel for you going through the breakup, and the way you were pressured like that - was awful. I really hope you haven't been put off the idea of another single mum or of fatherhood someday.
I don't think many women would really have put you on the spot like that. My first reaction in her asking you about adoption was she was thinking about the children and what would happen to them if something happened to her. However as her reaction showed, the father's involvement came out...those reasons I first thought of faded and a money priority looked more likely.
It was sad to see you get such judgemental comments about discussing things in advance, no-one can anticipate every eventuality, (some issues require their own timing); unless they are living in Disneyland. I'm sure Walt Disney himself never mapped out all of Disneyland either...
The idea of a non-biological parent paying child support is something that astounds me. I just hope your experience hasn't left you burnt. Fatherhood is about heart which you appear to have in ample supply, you will be up to the mark always by sheer decency, so never doubt your ability in that role... Big Hugs to you. | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/29/2007 5:17:08 PM | | As a single mom I don't see the need for you to adopt her two children. If you were married it would be different, as that is a lifetime commitment. Her kids have a dad, they don't NEED another but at their age appreciate the consistant parenting that you are giving them. You've helped to provide a home for them, safety, security, and a sense of family. It isn't her decision as to whether or not you get to adopt the children. THeir bilogiacl father has to sign consent, and chances are pretty slim that he will. If you adopt her children you will 100% definately have to pay support should you two go your seperate ways, BUT even living together puts you as a commom law spouse which means that she could still go after you for support, not only for her children, but also for herself. | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 10/14/2007 12:22:14 AM | | your leaving alot out if the father even comes around once a month dont you think it would be wise to ask him and how is this going to make you any closer to the kids go buy a hat or a shirt thats say,s daddy! so what happen,s in the future all you did was help mommy hurt their real dad who know,s you might be hurt broken paying for her next head game.if he was dead i would be the first to shake your hand! | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 10/14/2007 7:42:40 AM | heya mate,
Quite a few interesting responses to this one isnt there? being a girl myself, I know we can be sneaky, and as unusual as it seems that she has sprung this on you when you have just moved in... in some ways I am not surprised.
So my answers to your question:
1) You need to be firm and tell her that you love the kids, but they have a Dad already. Should she really feel that this will make you a 'whole' family, I would want to know why being married (which would be the first step) isnt coming up first? To me the situation seems a little bit wiffy. If you do want to continue seeing her negotiate a compromise, tell her that when the oldest reaches 10 you will reconsider it, and by then you may have your own sprogs!
2)If you adopt I belive you will have to pay, sorry, but adoption is not to be taken lightly
3)I would be offended, but thats just me.
4) If you truely feel that this is the women for you (and it sounds like you have thought hard about it before moving in) then dont cut your losses just yet, but do delve deper into her motivations behind this....
5) From where I am sitting? Not at all.
I hope this helps a little! And good luck, my parting advice is dont adopt, a piece of paper doesnt make you a family anymore than you were before, it just makes it easier to get money out of people in the end. | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 10/14/2007 4:00:28 PM | | Hey man i don't want this to sound harsh but don't do it untill you are 100% sure.Not to make her happy or have a better night only when you are sure .And if you get married and 10 yrs later you still never adopted them you have done nothing wrong.She shouldn't pressure you on this.It's more about her feeling better about the deal than for the kids.You are right they just need a male figure to be there and set a great example for them and love there mom. | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 10/14/2007 4:29:27 PM | It sounds like this road you have traveled into has been rocky from the start,plus you have had reservations from the start,but moved in anyway.She has a dead-beat BF or whatever who won't pay child support,and now she is wanting YOU to.So even if you do adopt them,suppose the relationship does not work out,as it IS a live in situation now,then YOU,not her EX,will be paying for children who are not even yours.
And you had reservatios about moving in anyway,this is no light matter here.
Sounds like you need to re-think this relationship.Did you know that people who argue with you and let you GET NO SLEEP until you comply with their demands is a form of abuse?I recommend a book called EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL by Susan Forward,Ph,D.
It sounds to me like you are living with an emotional blackmailer;Does she say things like;How can you be so selfish?/If you really loved me you would do .../After all I've done for you...?.
The "emotional blackmailer"like to keep their victim(you)in the FOG.FOG stands for Fear/Obligation/and Guilt,like"It would mean so much to the children IF you did...".
Sounds like a classic example to me,as you said,they are toddlers for crap's sake,and you are right,they know NOTHING of adoption,but mommy does ,I'm sure!
Dude,if you wish to e-mail me on this matter,I am at swordsbane@aol.com if you need someone to talk to about this as I have had experience in such matters.
Hope this helps! | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 10/14/2007 8:06:09 PM | | Hi, my name is Judy, my friend moved in with a singel mom,and adopted her child and then the marriage did not work out, and now he is in prison for non child support and he did not father this child, this kind of responsibility is the two people who took it upoun them selves to lay down and have chrildren not yours, this woman is trying to put this other mans responsibility on you, rember you will be legally responsible for these children untill they are 18 years old, and a lot of things can happen in that time, also this woman is manipulating you, and abusing you, to get what she wants, she dont want the full responsibility on her self, she is looking for some one else to put it on,please never stay in a relationship that u fell uncomfortable in, you should take a brake from this and take some time to think, dont worry about hurting her fellings, this is a big big big decision that can land you in jail in the end, so please think about what every one is trying to tell u ,we have been there and done that, and are only trying to help you, Judy | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 10/15/2007 12:00:37 AM | coolpinkgurl
right on you got me thinking about the kid,s and some couple,s adopt kids that have nothing but alcohol fetis syndrome or drug,s and they give these kid,s everything and wonder how or if they can break there heart telling them there adopted most of the time the kid turns his back get mad hurt confused and worse but they take it out on there adopted parents cause there,s no answers . and some people want this when they have a choice. | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 10/15/2007 9:41:23 AM | | Well were do i start! First of all im a single mother and i wouldn dream of askin my partner to adopt my son not unless we were married and his daddy wasn around. I think its more security she wants but u dont have to adopt the kids, u made a big move by moving in tell her one step at a time and that its alot for u to take on and that u will always be there for her and the two kids and u can show ur love to the kids but not by adopting them, they dont understand adoption! | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 10/15/2007 11:53:22 AM | Hi Beerbag, let me first start off and say I hope you find the answer to what you are asking because I don't think you have found it yet. To even ask the question means you are confused, have huge doubts about her, her children and her motives. However, I must say thank you. Thank you for being a man who is open minded enough to not only get into a relationship with someone who has children but also willing to be in a serious relationship with her. However, when you get into a serious relationship with a single mom and she is the primary caregiver, you are now in a relationship with her children.
When you are in a relationship you should embody all factors of well-being: physical, mental, emotional, spiritual and financial. To give this women who none of the posters have spoken the benefit of the doubt, if you don't ask, you don't receive. Maybe she said it at an inopportune time, maybe she has honest intentions, maybe she didn't but you know in your heart of hearts what you want to do. By putting the question out there you are wanting to have your thoughts in your head validated, which is fine however remember there is only your side of this to be heard, yours. Might I make a suggestion? Go to a relationship therapist. Seek their professional advice with the both of you. Have a unbiased and open forum stating your fears and doubts. Maybe she was asking you because she fears abandonment? That is a woman's biggest fear and because the father already did, she is probably justifably worried that you might as well, so in her mind she might be thinking that you wouldn't leave if you adopt. Who knows, like I said we are only hearing your preception of the event.
As for my own opinion, I am a single parent of two girls. Their father is passed and I have been single for three years. I find it very hard to meet someone who will look passed the fact that I am a single parent. Most guys think that we single moms are hungry for a father figure, hungry for someone to pay for our kids and that just isn't true for the majority of single moms out there. So if I was to be in a relationship, I would not ask someone to adopt my children. I would hope that if the man is going to live with me, he is thinking marriage and if he is thinking marriage he must then love me and my children, if he loves me and my children then he will ask to adopt. And he will want to be responsible with me for all of our well-being. Each party should be putting in 100% and that's means in every aspect of what goes on in a family. | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 10/15/2007 6:40:19 PM | Well as a single mom i think u shld honestly dicuss this more then once and if the kids have a dad and see them i have no clue why your g/f would even ask you too adopt them. they have a father and no matter what the sitiutation is thats their dad and they know tht
You truly need to sit dwn and talk about you relationship cause you seem like your out the door already before u guys have started to become a family
give yourself some time and a chance and tell the g/f to sit and think this is a life commiment andu guys need time to see what happens you can be a influnce in the kids life without going to tht extend
good luck dnt and really think b4 you act | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 10/15/2007 6:54:53 PM | | well im a single mother of 2 ..one father is involved the other one has never met my youngest (doesnt want to) and i wouldnt dream of asking a man to adopt my children because quite frankly their MY CHILDREN not anyone elses ...MINE and you would also have to have the father sign his rights away first and thats not a easy feat! i dont know why a woman would ask a man to do that ...i could understand if the man wanted to adopt them...but to ask or demand that you adopt them is just not cool in my eyes | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 10/15/2007 7:03:27 PM |
Well, I can tell you from direct experience that your 'childsupport concellor' was dead wrong.
actually your wrong ....at least in the united states your wrong when my ex's ex married my then husband still had to pay support just because a woman remarries does not mean a father stops being a father and does not mean his responsibilities diminsh | |
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