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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 11/22/2007 5:49:41 PM | Hey there!
Not sure what everyone else said on this thing, just read your letter and this is my opinion...
she had no right to ask you that soon after you had moved in, regardless of how long you were dating. your responsibility to her kids is to love them, tollerate them and you know, sometimes slip them some candy or a 5$... adoption is a HUGE step and she should realize that. i think shes just after something she cant get from the father, which makes her seem very selfish.
maybe after 5 years of marriage and the children see you more as a dad type than someone with their mom would it be appropriate to bring up the subject of adoption, and it would be appropriate to discuss it with the children, it involves them too.
Oh!! Im so angry at her now!!! i know i dont know her, but shes just not thinking about you. maybe she is thinking about her kids... i doubt it..
and thats what i had to say!
Reanne | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 11/23/2007 8:40:47 AM | Awesome post beerbang!...but don't you think the above post makes you look foolish and a bit hypicritical...considering you were the one to start this thread?
*yawns* I was being sarcastic, onlyflower's post was borderline retarded and I gave it the dignity it deserved. | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 11/23/2007 12:25:15 PM | I can't imagine you have not collected every possible opinion on your question but I guess I want to put in my 2 cents.
I am trying to see your sig other's point of view and I can't - and I am a libra, lol. I can't pretend to know what your relationship is like and how deep it goes but it seems to me that commitment, and I mean long term rockin' on the porch in your chairs dandling the grandkids on you knee kind of committment wasn't discussed. Saying that, I think this is too big of a step for you to even consider at this time and I don't think your other has the right to ask or to be pissed at your reaction.
I also think it is irresponsible of her to ask - especially when the kids have a "live" bio dad that they see and love. That would be very confusing for kids. I think that you should be contributing to the household while you are living there, as I am sure you already do but that you should draw up some sort of agreement with your other when it comes to childcare and the payment of such.
K | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 11/23/2007 2:39:52 PM | Beerbag,
I'm you, from 10 years in the future, and I've come back in time to beg you to alter the course of your life.
Well, ok, I'm not really the future you, but I might as well be — because a decade ago I was in your situation,
and today I'm divorced and paying child support for two sons sired by other men.
I fell in love with a single mother, and although she was a lot more scrupulous about how she manipulated me
(first the cohabitation, then comingling the finances, then marriage, then adopting child #1, then child #2) the
story is essentially the same. The whole time I was willing — nay, enthusiastic — because I thought I was
just building a non-traditional family and a life with a faithful partner and best friend.
Alas, it didn't take long after the adoption of the last child for the mask to come off, revealing a world-class
narcissistic, empire-building sociopath — and once she happily had my resources allocated for her plans
she immediately started living a secret double life. Lucky me: I found out, suffered the heartbreak, and ejected.
While it was all unravelling, she actually said to me — in a rare fit of honesty: "...the only thing your adopting
those boys means to me is that you'd have to pay child support if you left me." Direct quote.
Back when the relationship was new, I wouldn't have liked hearing DisneyMom's take on matters. But from
where I'm sitting now, it would have been nice to have someone try to slap some sense into me. | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 11/23/2007 4:36:29 PM | Dear BeerBag
I am a single Mother and do know a lot about the law. Being raised around it all my life.
1. . If the dead beat Dad isn't paying, what is the real reason? Why is she letting him get away with it? Does the support order go through the District Attorney's office? Or payable to her. She can push the court ( if she asks for modification) for them to take tax refunds he has due and DMV to take his drivers license away. She get terms set if he works under the table and doesn't pay he goes to jail. But she has to make the calls.
And while your reading and wondering yes, I have kids, no I get no support , I keep it that way , so he has no rights to see my son. And I dont need it anyway. No I am not an angry woman either. I am very happy.
2. Why is she pushing you? What are her alterior motives? If you havent even asked her to marry you, why is she pushing this? My guess is she sees you as money. And a way to get money for the kids, Now ask yourself does she love me or my money?
Maybe the love is one way not two ways. Whos the giver in the relationship? is it 50/50? Or do you give more? That will get old quick my friend. trust me. Been there done that.
3. Do you love her fully? If so do you love the kids also? Even though they are not yours. If you dont love them, then there is a part of the mom you dont love too.
4. Ask yourself honestly where do you see yourself with her 5 or 10 years from now? If you dont and can't see yourself as a family , happy together, then cut your losses now, pack up and get out of there. Save yourself some heart ache.
5. If you adopt the kids and she dies in an auto accident on the way home, your stuck with them like it or not. Your telling the court that you will take care of them when you adopt them. And if you break up , yes she can get support from you, for her kids.
So beware and be careful. Dont sign on the dots, until you are 101% sure you want to be a daddy to kids that are not yours.
6. Yes, You should be offended and angry at her for asking or telling you to adopt them, because I have seen and heard alot and most women have a motive that isnt pure, you bet your A-- she has something up her sleeve. And it sounds like when you said you would think about she didnt respect you enough to take it as that, but to smart off to you also. And if you were debating on moving in with her to begin with, well that was your gut telling NO , spirit guide, or what ever you want to call it, remember your gut will not stear you wrong, FOLLOW IT!
If you would like to chat any more about this I would be happy to, just contact me.
I hope this helps, remember I have nothing to gain here and didnt read anything about your profile before writting this. And remember my opinion is just that my opinion. But I have been through a whole lot in my life time and can see both sides of everything.
Good Luck sweetie!
Dywanna ( LadyMe63)
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 11/23/2007 6:38:58 PM | Hey man, I don't know how old you are but i get the impression probably older than me, but I like to think in some circumstances being naive also helps you see things clearly.
Can't you tell her that you simply aren't ready to adopt them into your life right now, and tell her that once you are ready you will bring the topic back up.
To be honest with you mate, it sounds like she has to either like it or lump it, if she loves you she should respect your decision upon a clear mind. However I wouldn't adopt her children if you even suspect breaking up is on the cards even in the distant future.
Good luck, and to be honest I hope your situation is already resolved before you read my message. | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 11/23/2007 6:49:49 PM |
I'm you, from 10 years in the future, and I've come back in time to beg you to alter the course of your life.
Well, ok, I'm not really the future you, but I might as well be — because a decade ago I was in your situation,
and today I'm divorced and paying child support for two sons sired by other men.
I've started explaining these same sort of facts of life to my 17 year old step-son, though he's well aware of the situation having lived through the break up of his mother and I.
I will also make sure my 2 other sons are aware of the realities of having kids or living with a woman with kids from another father.
I only had to pay for one step-kid. That was enough to open my eyes. | |
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Rhett1
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Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 210 | |
| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 11/23/2007 7:05:04 PM | Beerbag: If you listen to any one post in this thread, it's this one: Post #206 by Longstinger.
I am not saying that your girlfriend is doing or will do the exact same thing as Longstinger's ex, but I think listening to a man who has been there and is still there is very wise.
Longstinger: My heart goes out to you, mainly because I'm sure you adopted those kids because you loved them...do you get to see them at all? | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 11/23/2007 8:11:19 PM | Thank you who have expressed encouragement
regarding my choice to stick with my role
as Dad. I do get to see them; we split
custody 50/50; the only reason I have to
pay support is the income differential.
She was probably banking on that.
They are fine young men. I love them. | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 11/23/2007 9:07:15 PM | | longstingers posts say much. Adopting the children of another has more to do with one's love for those children & willingness to parent them than it has to do with finances. If you love them enough to support them while with their Mom, why would you not love them enough to do so after, and if, the relationship with their mother ends? I think the basic problem with the whole cs arguments is that they neglect to take into account what cs is intended for, in the first place! The kids have to eat, have heat, clothing, etc. If you are willing to care for the kids, you are willing to care for the kids, period. If your love of them is contingent on your relationship with their Mom, you should not adopt them. Admittedly, relationships with those who have children is difficult, but if the most pressing issue is one of finances, it may be best to date women who have no children (especially if you live in Canada). In any case, adopting kids makes them YOUR children, a huge commitment that should be borne of the love for the children, not their Mom, & not related to finances. Good luck! | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 11/23/2007 10:22:25 PM | Wow. I think you have to be 120% behind a decision to adopt someone else's kids. In fact, I think it needs to be YOUR idea to start with. I think marriage comes a lot earlier than adoption. And, how would the birth dad feel about all this?
I think you need to follow your gut. This situation sounds very strange to me .
Good luck. | |
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Rhett1
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Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 218 | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 11/26/2007 8:06:10 AM | The OP's case is the problem. Not all single mom's are looking to trap a man into paying child support for her kids from a pevious relationship. Some are and you often can not tell until it is too late.
Why is it a man gets bashed for having concerns but not one of the people doing the bashing, bashes the morally challenged females who scam others in the name of child support in the best interrests of her children. It is those few who are looking for a future child support payment that are the problem.
I have met a few women from this site who were collecting support from multiple men for one child and seemed more interested that I bond with the child then with them. I ran..it is those that givce many a bad name. | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 11/26/2007 12:27:44 PM |
Adopting the children of another has more to do with one's love for those children & willingness to parent them than it has to do with finances. If you love them enough to support them while with their Mom, why would you not love them enough to do so after, and if, the relationship with their mother ends?
Then, it is better to avoid putting oneself in the position of developing feelings for those children, like in, perhaps, avoid dating the mom. | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 11/26/2007 1:21:04 PM | I agree with you 100% rockhunter, as far as your conclusion, at least (the logic doesn't really work, but that is immaterial) and have said as much in several threads. As a parent, I abhor the notion of anyone using their children to find money or love. Similarly, single parents may do well to avoid serious relationships for fear of their children suffering that loss, if they are inclined to feel that way.
and, John, were those single moms who attempt to gain financially to post here, I most certainly would join in the ensuing "bashfest". Of course, they don't, similar to other users, golddiggers, whatever, so I don't have the opportunity to do so. My intent is not to bash, as I have no problem with anyone having preferences, no matter what they may be. I simply wish you would cease your attack on single moms! You have obviously had some bad experiences, but lots of people have had bad experiences. They are usually borne of character traits (dishonesty, immaturity, etc.) rather than parental status, however, and, frankly, my guess is that you may find yourself "used" by many women you might date, even the childless ones. In some manner "excusing" or describing their actions as due to the fact that they have given birth is simply a way of avoiding what may be the real problem. Just sayin'  | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 11/26/2007 1:41:41 PM | OP: Do you have an update for us? I'd be interested to hear how things are going. Yes, I'm being nosy.
I gave an update waaaaay waaaay back but I'll fill you in.
I talked with her about how I was feeling, how I didn't appreciate the demand she placed on me.
Her reply was something like "If you love me and the children you'd adopt them, blah blah blah."
I said "I don't think this will work out." and moved out that night. Thankfully I didn't cancel the lease on my condo, so I just moved back in.
Just so you all know, I moved in with her so her and the kids weren't left high and dry when I moved out. I also paid for half of the months rent just to make it easier for her (she had spent the extra money the usually paid for rent on her kids that month).
Funny thing though, I discovered through mutual friends that she started "dating" her ex soon after... Really made me wonder what all the pressure she placed on me to adopt was about. I make quite a lot more than her ex (roughly 7x more annually) and I can't help but think her sudden push was motivated by other reasons.
None of this bothers me though, I'm happy to be out and thankful I "didn't be a man and do the right thing" as I was told by some people. | |
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Rhett1
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Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 223 | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 11/26/2007 3:34:39 PM | ^ yeah really... Also I'm glad to all high hell she didn't know that if I would have been living with her for three months I would have been on the hook for child support.
The thing that disgusts me most about this is even if she got back with her ex (the father) I'd still have to pay CS because he doesn't earn a living (he works under the table).
Our family "laws" are ridiculous. | |
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