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Posted: 9/24/2007 6:50:33 AM | I'm very sorry that you're hurting. I hope you find it inside to be strong again and know that there are lots of other great women out there.
The only additional advice I can offer...and this doesn't cover all women but it covers a lot... is hold off on the sex as long as you can. If you began a sexual relationship before she told you she loved you (and c'mon, 3 months is an awful short time to know that you LOVE someone!), chances are she was saying it, at least in part, to make herself feel better about it. Men can have sex without needing emotions to be involved but most women can't. I'm not saying you pushed her into it too soon; I'm just asking you to look back and think about it. Sex too early in the relationship can often ruin it, or at least have you wondering if the guy is really sincere or just wants to keep getting it! | |
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Posted: 9/24/2007 7:12:05 AM | | It's not everyone you are going to meet who is going to end up liking you or you liking them. Ah the games of nature. Learn from it and forget her. At least she was woman enough to be honest with you. | |
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Posted: 9/24/2007 7:23:07 AM | ^^^msg11^^^
"Women are fickle creatues", sorry OP, that is a bit of a broad/unfair statement.
Sounds like the only "fickle woman" here was the one you are going ga-ga over who clearly doesn't want to be with you anymore.
Sorry for your pain OP, but at least she told you straight out.
JJ | |
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Posted: 9/24/2007 7:31:44 AM | I read these tales of romantic woe so often here and it's obvious that a lot of people don't understand the concept of parallel lines.
Lives run along side each other all the time. You run at the same speed and keep the same distance, but never cross. Most people live their whole life "parallel" to the other sex. That rare occasion that 2 people meet and make it work (and it IS rare if you look at divorce statistics) doesn't just happen because you want it to.
You can't pick any 2 people at random and call them a couple. And that's what the OP seems to have tried here.
It's a two way deal, man, and she didn't care for you in the same way you cared for her.
Parallel lines. | |
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Posted: 9/24/2007 8:33:51 AM | you got dumped...
nicely but dumped none the less... and I can tell you to move on but you will only do that when you are good and ready to but moving on will help you and you will not have to deal with the possibility that she will use you on a go forward basis... anyways... at least she was polite... now do something for yourself and move on | |
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| Where did this come from?
Posted: 9/24/2007 2:34:20 PM | First, thank you to every single one of you who have offered your opinions/advice. You've all been respectful and kind and that is appreciated, because I practice those virtues every day of my life with everyone I meet.
Second, I tested myself today on my feelings. I ran into a woman whom I got acquainted with before I ever met Lori, today at a local Mickey D's. This person and I are not close friends, but we did remember one another. I asked her out, she said yes, and we exchanged numbers. Ever since I did that, I cannot get this overwhelming sense of guilt out of me. I know that if Lori and I don't get back together I will eventually move on. But, for now...wow. I've never been dumped from an emotional high. The one good thing about my life right now is my relationship with my babies. So, I'm going to concentrate on them, and my work. I'm not going to lie about one thing though...I said a sincere prayer to God today to bring her back to me if it is his will. I can't force her to love me, and maybe three months IS too soon to have anything but puppylove for someone, but this certainly is strong.
I heard Craig Morgan's "I got you" today, and had to turn it off. That was our song.
One thing I can't figure out...how does someone admit that you treat them with unprecedented respect, affection, and compassion, and then just turn their feelings off like a switch? | |
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| Where did this come from?
Posted: 9/24/2007 2:55:21 PM | You need to face the facts and realize she does'nt feel the feelings that you feel.
She want's to move on and you really need to see this as a new starting point for yourself.
You must see this for what it is .... you can drag this thing out . but it's in your best interest to hurry on and get with a good new start for yourself. Don't make someone a priority who only makes you an option.
Life is short .. We dont have time for being unhappy do we?
We don't have time to waste and so make the best of what you have and realize someone out there is going to be the perfect one for you ....and you perfect for them.
Have Fun
Mimi | |
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| Where did this come from?
Posted: 9/25/2007 4:10:06 PM | Maybe she feels damage already by relationships? And you do too. Now.
You are both even.
People pull back for all kinds of reasons. My nearly year relationship ended. I ended it. But I feel like you do op. And I ended mine because I didn't feel
THAT important to him. WE had discussed it too many times. Sometimes bailing has it's advantages.
Scream bloody hell if it helps.
And give yerself a big hug. You seem like a good guy. | |
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| Where did this come from?
Posted: 9/25/2007 8:52:03 PM | Young man, I was recently in a very similar situation as you described. We dated 2+ years, didn't meet here, she pursued me. AT that time, both of our "lifestyles" were fixed, and we were in the right place at the right time for each other. ...Then her mother became ill, and died in March; then she quit one of her two jobs and got a new apt, concurrently I was closing down my retail aquarium business....then she started house shopping on her own to invest the modest inheritance.....I made a couple "pissy remarks", dumped her for two days, SINCERELY APOLOGIZED, she said she did love me, we got back together, and she dumped me after 3 days.....
I waited and waited and waited for 7 weeks. I called her twice in 7 weeks to "say hi"....I was stunned that she hadn't changed her mind. We were the "perfect match", maybe not the "perfect couple" but the perfect match....80% of people told me to "move on and forget her etc", a few people including my father and step mother said "If you really love her, give it some time, and MAKE A BIG TA DOO. So I got tickets for the electric boat tour and wrote her some poems. Bada Bang Bada Bing, we got back together.
So there is some hope, especially since you aint going nowhere fast for the meantime. AND YOU NEED TO DO SOME SERIOUS PERSONAL INVENTORY RIGHT NOW, what were here clues, there were some, think hard, WHAT DID YOU DO WRONG, or what did she want you weren't providing, or, WHAT LIFESTYLE CHANGES OCCURRED? Figure this out, wait 3-4 weeks, dont call her except once or twice to say hi, then BOOM tell her you have two tickets to MacBeth or some silly Nascar race. GOOD LUCK, IT IS POSSIBLE.
PS: """...how does someone admit that you treat them with unprecedented respect, affection, and compassion, and then just turn their feelings off like a switch""" Read between the lines Eff, what you just wrote didn't say "she loved you", nor did it say "I love the way you treat me" She just "admitted that you treat them with respect....." thats borderline "friends territory". Maybe just maybe, if you do get back together, MAKE HER WANT YOU, dont be so easy and so smothering with praise, etc, like I am | |
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| Where did this come from?
Posted: 9/26/2007 3:08:40 AM |
AND YOU NEED TO DO SOME SERIOUS PERSONAL INVENTORY RIGHT NOW, what were here clues, there were some, think hard, WHAT DID YOU DO WRONG, or what did she want you weren't providing, or, WHAT LIFESTYLE CHANGES OCCURRED? Regarding things I might have done wrong: she told me to my face that I've done absolutely nothing wrong, so I'm forced to take that one at face value. Regarding things I might not have been providing: She thanked me for being a guy she could call and vent to about her problems, I never asked her for money ( though admittedly I'm not making anywhere near as much money as her, right now), and I am full time employed. As mentioned before, the sex was great, and we even waited for two or three weeks after we met to do that, and I never pressured her for sex. Regarding lifestyle changes: I did notice a SLIGHT difference in her behavior when I lost my apartment a few weeks ago and had to move into someone else's house (a 60 year old female cancer survivor) just to have shelter for myself and my kids visits. The biggest change in her was her refusal to spend the night at the new place. Figure this out, wait 3-4 weeks, dont call her except once or twice to say hi, then BOOM tell her you have two tickets to MacBeth or some silly Nascar race. GOOD LUCK, IT IS POSSIBLE This is an idea that I've already been kicking around. She literally gave me permission to call her in one week (from that Friday night), JUST TO SEE HOW SHE'S DOING. She SPECIFIED those words. LOL. I decided I'm probably not going to call that soon, and give it time to cook. After all, this relationship went from her calling ME all the time, to her telling me she wanted a break. I need to know she misses me, if that is the case. PS: """...how does someone admit that you treat them with unprecedented respect, affection, and compassion, and then just turn their feelings off like a switch""" Read between the lines Eff, what you just wrote didn't say "she loved you", nor did it say "I love the way you treat me" She just "admitted that you treat them with respect....." thats borderline "friends territory". Maybe just maybe, if you do get back together, MAKE HER WANT YOU, dont be so easy and so smothering with praise, etc, like I am
She DID tell me she still loves me, but with the dreaded "as a friend" clause thrown in. She also said she couldn't explain why she fell out of love with me, just that is was a gradual change. And, you're right, I won't be so liberal with all the praise, I will just continue to be the nice guy that I am (polite, well mannered, no temper).
You hit a few right on the head dude. Well spoken, and thank you.
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| Where did this come from?
Posted: 9/26/2007 11:10:17 AM | """"She DID tell me she " clause thrown in. She also said she couldn't explain why she fell out of love with me, just that is was a gradual change"""" I still see a "few" issues Effdude. Can I ask would you say, you are experienced and confident in your love relationships? I mean, for example, "" said she loves me, but "as a friend"" That right there is the oldest line in the book. It is a polite and friendly phrase, but so many guys hear that and think "she SAID she loves me!". NOT!
SO STEP 1: please sort out all the "cliches" and "break up lines" from your vocabulary, and get to the real guts of what your relationship was all about. She may not know either, and if not, oh well, who wants a relationships with someone who doesn't know what a relationship is all about? Yourself included, because I see a couple of red flags (not a big deal, but lets deal with them). MOVING IN WITH A HANDICAP CANCER PERSON!!! Yikes! I mean Kudos to you for that and getting a roof for your kids....BUT THAT'S NOT GOING TO "INTEREST" MOST WOMEN is it? Unless she is Nurse Theresa or Ghandi (his granddaughter is a hottie in Bollywood). My sponsor told me "Bill, dont get in ANY relationships unless you have something to offer the other person" And he didn't mean "sex" or "hangin out". He meant security, time, love, health, availability, wisdom, maturity, clean house, well groomed. Too many crazy people latch into relationships thinking "I deserve a lover just like anyone".
And like you said this: """she told me to my face that I've done absolutely nothing wrong, so I'm forced to take that one at face value.""" NO! Thats another break up line cliche!! Got it?
YOU need to figure out what it was like to be her around you. She is too nice to tell you "Eff, I dont like sick people", or "eff, you dont even have a real home" or "Eff, you dont have time for kids, a cancer patient, and me", or "Eff, you are too sickly sweet and clingy and polite AND BORING, couldn't you be a little more exciting and fun?" Or worse yet "Eff, I found a new BF".
"""She literally gave me permission to call her in one week (from that Friday night), JUST TO SEE HOW SHE'S DOING. She SPECIFIED those words.""" Ok good...Yeah Dont call that night, make her think you got something going on. AND GET SOMETHING GOING ON anything, kids play at school, friday nite football game (take your kids to the HS). WRITE HER SOME POEMS even if you dont know much about poems she probably dont either.
WRITE ALL THIS STUFF DOWN, because, if you get back together with her...you will forget this emotion you feel now. I know I have since we got back two weeks ago. And, maybe you two will get back, and have fun for a week or two, but often, it really is over after that, so be prepared, AND DON'T REPEAT PAST MISTAKES. | |
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Posted: 9/26/2007 11:53:09 AM | | um its not your fault theres nothing you can do, give her space break all communications with her so she has her "alone" time. and wait a few days before responding cause she wants to know your still there if anything, it works a lot but you have to stick to it. | |
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| Where did this come from?
Posted: 9/26/2007 11:54:26 AM | | p.s taking advice from many different people over the internet may lead to an overload of information, if your doing this to let go cause you have no where else to go its cool. but honestly reading all this is going to confused the shit out of u | |
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| Where did this come from?
Posted: 9/27/2007 6:17:13 PM | Ya'll...I'm not really fond of Gary LaVox's nasally singing style, but the song "What hurts the most" came on today during my ride home, and hit SOOOO hard...That song's lyrics echo through me...
I had my visit with my two little girls tonight, and I had a butterfly moment. I was brushing Lainy's hair (my two year old), and the memory of having Lori sitting between my legs while I brushed her hair for half an hair just came rushing at me, from out of nowhere.
I think I'm going to try going out to sing karaoke (I sing country music), if I can find a place, because that's a great outlet for me. I got to sing our song with the radio recently (Craig Morgan's "I got you"), and it felt sooooo good. | |
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Posted: 9/28/2007 2:47:18 PM | | She has another agenda --------could be a man --------could be a woman. | |
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Posted: 9/30/2007 9:47:06 AM | | For those who have constructive things to say...I went into great detail on my profile. | |
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| Where did this come from?
Posted: 12/23/2007 6:51:54 AM | All I can is " There's a lot of fish in the Ocean", keep fishing, once you got dumped, its hard to get back together, been there and done that it wont be the same, go fishing!!!  | |
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ffldbp
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Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 43 | |
| Where did this come from?
Posted: 1/1/2008 5:56:57 PM | Actually this is a general and specific reply to most relationships.
Some people don't know what they want, they get up on a different side of the bed everymorning.
Others are looking for specific things but will settle for a little companionship and/or sex.
Others want to settle down immediately.
It really doesn't matter what they want if you both don't get enough of the really important things from each other. The small things can add up but the important things have to met for the relationship to have a snowballs chance in hell.
People can have a failed relationship and be together for life.
Several things to remember, looks are more important than most people will admit, so help the genetics, stay in shape. Even with the best or wildest sex, you eventually have to get out of bed, so ensure that you two can communicate. There is drama with any relationship, find someone that has the drama you can live with. If you want to call another person a name or liar, think first, you can't take it back once it's out. While their important or challenging things may not be yours, pay attention to them as they are and they will when you have your moments too. And finally, if they start to say no instead of maybe when you first see them, and this is a time when you both should want to see each other, then what will they do when the honeymoon is over, get someone with similar interests or idiosyncracies as one of my friends used to say.
There are many things that can be added or modified but those few several things will give you an idea of how you two fit together or don't.
As I told a very pretty woman when I was in one of graduate psychology classes. She didn't know me and from out of the blue told me that "physical appearance wasn't that important to her", all the other people in the class knew me and knew a great comeback was coming. LOL At that time I had long hair and still dressed well even then. I first asked her if she would date an ugly guy, she said yes of course and had done it. Then I asked her if she could smell the cologne or hear the well articulated comeback that a guy she was interested in from across the room in a loud party. She of course said no. I told her then that looks had to be more important than she wanted to admit. I was 24 years old and a decorated Viet Nam veteran, she was 21 and a real beauty. At that time I told her that for she and I it only mattered if we wanted to date that person but for the others that weren't as good looking and/or intelligent then it was certainly more of a concern. They didn't have the opportunities as we did to pick and choose. She was deflated as her come on didn't have it's desired effect but she hopefully learned something from that conversation. Everyone else laughed. LOL The only loser that night was me. She never talked to me again.
That was a true story and I would do it all again except this time I would take her out first and then tell her in private. LOL At least I learned something from it.
Marcus | |
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| Where did this come from?
Posted: 1/1/2008 6:39:36 PM | Jeremy,
It could be fear of commitment. Some people like the idea of having a significant other, but sabotage a good thing for whatever reason.
Also, some men and women have a programmed in defense mechanism to repeat a cycle. Their relationship history is a strong reminder to them. Someone in their past left a bad impression, they burried it and now can't get to that place.
Maybe she just doesn't see you as a someone she wants long term?
Who knows? Be friendly, but don't press her. Take some time off from her and let her be. If you pester the woman, she'll go farther away. | |
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| Where did this come from?
Posted: 1/1/2008 8:27:00 PM |
Their relationship history is a strong reminder to them. Someone in their past left a bad impression, they burried it and now can't get to that place.
This is exactly what has been happening to me. Since my last break-up in April last year, I have not had a relationship that lasted for more than a month. At the back of my mind, I will sabotage it before the man gets the chance to hurt me first. It didn't matter whether the relationship was a promising one, all I know is I will build a "wall" around me so I won't get hurt again.
OP, perhaps this is what Lori was feeling. Did you know of her relationship history? Was she in a real bad one prior to yours? If you found her signed up here on PoF again, it could be that she just wanted some self-validation and not necessarily looking for another one? This happens when your self-esteem gets knocked to the ground or when you're unsure of everything about yourself after going through so much pain. | |
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| Where did this come from?
Posted: 1/2/2008 2:22:55 AM | To the OP;
If you two broke up over an argument or mis-understanding I'd say to wait it out......but if nothing was wrong on the surface like that and she just said out of the blue that it'sover and she doesn't love you.......then it's over
That happened to me twice where I didn't love the woman and no matter what they said or tried, it didn't change that fact.......it's impossible.
I know when I love someone and it usually means we can spend 8 hours together and it seems like 10 minutes......or when my whole day lights up just at the sound of her voice on the phone.....or when we go for a meaningless drive and we both wish we could be together forever and forget all about the rest of the world......
Go out and find your true soulmate.....she's not the one obviously.....I know it must really suck right now but you'll be glad she told you now because the real one is out there waiting for you.....and when you find her...well, you'll forget all about this last one....Good Luck | |
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| Where did this come from?
Posted: 6/12/2009 2:07:49 AM | | its his loss glad u had some fun , anyway where one door closes another one opens just have faith. Juan | |
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| Where did this come from?
Posted: 6/12/2009 9:03:05 AM | | I am sorry to hear about your situation. Apparently Lori was not the woman you thought she was. It is better to move on then to let yourself be defined by a relationship that did not work out. Fortunately, over time you will heal. | |
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| Where did this come from?
Posted: 6/12/2009 4:20:51 PM | | Sorry to hear your story and I know how painful it is. I think that despite tons of good qualities and doing everything right, sometimes someone decides you are not quite right for them. They know deep down that they are not attached enough somehow but it doesn't mean you've done anything wrong. They know you haven't either. They don't switch their feelings off, they just weren't there with the same intensity as yours. You'll probably experience shock for a while as you adjust to this idea. Sometimes attraction grows and deepens and sometimes it stays the same. That's when you realise you love someone but are not in love with them. What should a decent person do at that point but free you to find someone who will fall in love with you? Another woman will feel that differently about you and, although not the same lady, will have different wonderful qualities. I know it's hard to imagine that now if someone feels perfect for you, but it's true. Love tends to blind us to the other person's faults and eventually you will see that. For the moment though, lots of things will hurt but it will gradually get better. Just remind yourself that, although close, she was not quite right for you. You need to care for yourself now. | |
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