| Ending a Date Honestly
Posted: 9/26/2007 8:28:25 PM | "Then he sent a chicken mail to me."
I don't get it. What's a chicken mail?
I've been on lots of 'first dates". You certainly can't make up your mind about someone you have met ONCE. This person is a stranger.
Of course he was nice to your face. People are always polite to strangers. | |
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| Ending a Date Honestly
Posted: 9/26/2007 8:32:31 PM | You caught him off guard when you mentioned getting together again.
He hadn't had time to think it out....or may have been put off by you doing the asking.
When I'm really uncertain about how things might go, I like to do lunch. That way everyone has to return to work....or return to something. Unless you have both been struck by a thunderbolt, there is no reason to commit to anything further. Thank the other for coming, you enjoyed the time, talk to you soon. Goodbye. Simple, Easy. No one has egg on their face.
Sometimes I think honesty is overrated. Good manners prevail!!
Becca | |
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| Ending a Date Honestly
Posted: 9/26/2007 8:32:39 PM | Maybe he'd rather see a 2 page forum-thread on it than to have to have the potential of a long drawn-out conversation of it on the night of the date?
I'm with him, except I'm not sure I'd have sent the follow-up email. | |
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| Ending a Date Honestly
Posted: 9/26/2007 10:10:20 PM | 1) Try to read the body language instead of asking. This gives you a guess. You still need to ask out again but do it a few days later.
Meeting cut short (45 minutes or less), half-hug, fatal handshake, distance (both mentally and physically) are good signs of disinterest.
2) Give the other person a few days to think. You put pressure by asking right away. It can take up to a few days to know the answer.
3) You can either be nice and polite with the person for the duration of the date. Or be impolite or hurt the other person in the duration of the date. Most people decide to be polite and the polite answer is "yes". You shouldn't have asked the question in the first place at the meeting if you expect an answer right away.
Note that you cannot always rely on what the other says or do. You can have a hug at the end of the meeting. It means that the person is not scared of you. It does not mean that the person is necessarily interested in seeing you again. Maybe the other had a good time and gives you a hug.
Basically:
1) meet in person
2) contact in a few days and ask out again
Use body language to guess or have fun decoding the other. | |
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| Ending a Date Honestly
Posted: 9/27/2007 12:04:10 AM | For me, I know almost immediately if I am going to want to see the person again. Most of the time it is clear I will not see them again. It is why I do not do 'first dates', but just meet casually for a coffee. And it is awkward to say no nicely to meeting again when you say goodbye at the end of the coffee, but I feel much better in myself when I do say it than drive away knowing I left them without telling them. Then I have to prolong it and write the email saying I just did not feel an attraction, which is the truth, but I prefer being truthful in the moment, though I do know the slight awkwardness and courage it takes to be that.
Honestly, most of the time it seems obvious for both people there will not be any further meetings.....often the reality of meeting from online dating sites and seeing each other and each other's energy for the first time. One can read words and look at pictures here, but you can't really meet the person until you meet them in person, I feel.
So, let it go. Be aware this is what often happens and perhaps don't take it so seriously! | |
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| Ending a Date Honestly
Posted: 9/27/2007 12:25:15 AM | | In my own opinion, it's best to avoid asking someone if they want to get together again until later. If there is more contact after that first meeting, then it's easy enough to 'play it by ear' so to say. This affords both parties a couple of days to think about the meeting and decide if there is anything to build on, if it's going to be just friends, online/phone friends, activity friends, or something more serious. I had to learn this lesson on my own... and it's working for me. | |
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| Ending a Date Honestly
Posted: 9/27/2007 1:21:14 AM | No offense OP, but it's your behavior I am left questioning, not his. It sounds like you're more bothered by feelings of rejection (that part is relatively normal), but over a guy you're not really interested in to begin with. He clearly did nothing wrong here-in fact, I'd go so far as to say he handled himself quite well. He went on a nice date with you, you guys had a decent time, and he even let you know in a polite fashion.
A million and one things could have happened between the time he told you he WOULD be interested in going on again and the time he decided he DID NOT want to go out again. He could have met somebody else, he could have decided he wasn't ready to date, he could have realized that you two were not write for each other....
{Pyshco-babble coming}
I don't think you'll like my response, but I am speaking from personal experience - basically what you're doing (whether you realize it or not) is trying to attach a more significant meaning to what you now view as a negative experience- by making him "wrong" or "at fault" for his behavior. In essence, your brain is trying manifest a tangible and external object for you to vent your frustrations- which is easier than dealing with the much more internal and more personal reality of you being hurt by his rejection.
And you're not alone. I had the EXACT same thing happen to me- I had the exact same date once. No, I wasn't interested in her, but I was mildy bothered by the fact that she obviously wasn't interested in me either.
What drives me nuts is about this done to death topic is people's inability to be honest with themselves. I am not taking this out on you - your'e certainly allowed to ask questions, but the answer to this question is always the same - consider the following:
1) Do you really want someone to be honest? Would it have been more pleasant at the end of the date if he said "You're not my type". God no, it would have not been - and I am sure if you think about this, you can admit this too. It would have been humiliating, and scarred you 100 times worse. Does anyone here think this would have been "easier"?
2) Does is really make a difference if he told you then, or waited until later? In your case, it made ZERO difference - you weren't that interested in him anyway. He wasn't rude, he didn't humiliate you or embarrass you - you just didn't like the result, plain and simple.
Although you may not be aware of it, I think he did you a favor by using appropriately timed honesty. This whole thing probably would have had a much more negative effect on you, if you had gotten what you asked for.
Best of luck.
Kev | |
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| Ending a Date Honestly
Posted: 9/27/2007 5:07:25 AM | | I really appreciate the feed back. I guess I didn't want to put in this forum the reason he gave me. I was insulted! Talk about humilation, kevinmach. But I really appreciate everyone's comments on here. When I go out with someone in the future, I will just end the date with a Thank You and leave it at that. But if the guy asks me if I want to get together again and I do not, I will not lie and say Yes only to tell him later that I really don't think so. And I am glad he was honest enough to admit that he didn't want to see me again. He really is a nice guy. Thank you again for all the feedback. | |
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| Ending a Date Honestly
Posted: 9/27/2007 8:58:16 AM | Lilladybug-
LOL. You were FAR from humilated sweetie. A little bruise to the ego, fine. I think you're being a little dramatic, and also a little hard on yourself. If you doubt me, scroll through some of the other posts on these forums and you will lean the true meaning of humiliation. What happened to you was pretty much a standard dating situation. You can expect to see more of it if you're on this site for any length of time.
It's funny how it is often easier being rejected by someone who you find very attractive-it's disappointing, but at the same time, you see that appealing person as having options, and can rationalize it in that manner.
It's much harder on the ego when it's someone you find unappealing. But the truth is, that's all subjective anyway. It sounds arrogant, but haven't we all been a little surprised when we message someone on POF who we think would be very happy to hear from us, and they don't respond back?
A bit of advice for you- just detach yourself from the outcome in the beginning. Your probably going to go on a lot of dates, some good, some bad. Don't assume that not going on second date is a rejection of who you are, and don't let your happiness ride on the outcome. | |
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| Ending a Date Honestly
Posted: 9/27/2007 9:05:23 AM | | possibly to spare ur feelings ...... but as u said you would have had more respect for him if he had been truthful .... look at it this way he lied with such ease , so ur far better off .. | |
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| Ending a Date Honestly
Posted: 9/27/2007 9:08:10 AM | kevinmach: I think you missed my last point. I did not post on here what he actually said to me....he told me I was someone he would take home, but not take home to mom. That was more than a little bruised ego for me. I thought it made me sound like I was trashy. I surely didn't dress to look like I was trying to get laid. So was I wrong to feel upset by this remark. I was not upset at all by the fact that he was not interested. I can accept rejection, trust me on that one.
So please tell me was I wrong to be upset by his comments? And I already know that I am overly analytical. I know that is one of my faults. If I am wrong, please tell me why I shouldn't take that statement personally. | |
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| Ending a Date Honestly
Posted: 9/27/2007 9:19:50 AM | | What is even worse is when the guy asks if there is interest in meeting again, only to never call or e-mail again. What's up with that? And it's not like I don't pay my share, or offer to pay. Same goes with asking if a woman will meet and then not contacting again. Is it just an ego trip to know that the woman was open to seeing him? I agree with poster, be honest everyone! | |
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| Ending a Date Honestly
Posted: 9/27/2007 9:21:50 AM | At least you got an e-mail.. I got ingored! Great date, and the next day he wouldn't talk to me on MSN.. ok.. i figured he was busy.. but no.. he just decided to not talk to me. When i sent him an e-mail asking him what i did wrong, he blocked me.
He thought i was awesome, and said he was glad we got toether... anyone would have guessed a second date was guaranteed... guess I'm just a fool! | |
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| Ending a Date Honestly
Posted: 9/27/2007 9:24:11 AM | | ticka, you are not the fool...he is! he is playing games and someday he will get played and wonder why did that happen to me, I'm such a nice guy. Right!! | |
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| Ending a Date Honestly
Posted: 9/27/2007 9:30:22 AM | In this case, (he) may well been a coward - or may have thought it over later, at home & came to a different conclussion. But, as a few mentioned, be glad he did email & let you know - that alone showed SOME class - many don't | |
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| Ending a Date Honestly
Posted: 9/27/2007 11:43:50 AM | Well, it was a first date.. I agree. He was not obligated to give you an answer.. I mean. I will hedge when I am out on the first date. Since you are damnned if you do and you are damned it you don't..
I have been out on a date where the guy has made statements I had a really great time, I will, agree with that I did too. He will ask Can I call you I say Yes, I haven't agreed to another date.. I want to go home and think about it.. I also would be assessing if I could be or would meet up with that persons expectations of ( we all have them)..If the answer is no..I am going to send a"Chicken" email.. Sorry.
I would rather.
A not get into it at the end of a date.. not good timing..
B. haven't made up my mind..
C. Just not going to be rushed
D.I would definately wanted to know what I said or done that this guy would have the issue of me not good enough to bring home to mom, Since I am a mom....
I would want to be changing that behavior immediately.
Happy fishing
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| Ending a Date Honestly
Posted: 9/27/2007 11:57:45 AM | | Sassy I always look forward to your wisdom. I don't think I did anything honestly. We just had a nice dinner and that was it. I certainly didn't talk about s-e-x or anything to that affect. And I wore a simple blue jean skirt and top (not a lot of exposed skin at the top either). He was looking for an instant click and I think he was disappointed. I think on the original post I should have listed the REAL reason I was upset. Some on here seem to think it was because I was rejected. Far from the reason. And now I understand why people don't want confrontation about why they dont' want to see you again. I didn't ask him "Why" he didn't want to see me again. I would have been satisfied with a simple "No". I am not one of those that has to know why someone isn't attracted to me. I thank everyone for their feedback. I have learned quite a bit from this forum. | |
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| Ending a Date Honestly
Posted: 10/1/2007 6:35:20 AM | I agree with your comments, especially about honesty! Too many people are playing games on here, the married ones, the ones in poor relationships and the ones just wanting flings! It would be great if someone tries honesty and honor! Say what you mean and mean what you say! Let your word be your bond and don't play with others emotions! I like honest people even if I do not like what they say, at least they speak from the heart and thats whats needed if you really want to meet a quality partner! The old adage of do unto others as you want done unto you has been replaced by do them before they do you in some social circles, thats so sad. But hey, there are good people out there, ya just have to look real hard!
Geo. | |
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| Ending a Date Honestly
Posted: 10/1/2007 2:28:47 PM |
I did not post on here what he actually said to me....he told me I was someone he would take home, but not take home to mom. That was more than a little bruised ego for me. I thought it made me sound like I was trashy. I surely didn't dress to look like I was trying to get laid. So was I wrong to feel upset by this remark. I was not upset at all by the fact that he was not interested. I can accept rejection, trust me on that one.
So please tell me was I wrong to be upset by his comments? And I already know that I am overly analytical. I know that is one of my faults. If I am wrong, please tell me why I shouldn't take that statement personally.
As one of the sometimes-overanalytical types, I can tell you from personal experience that you can make yourself crazy by putting everything that was said under a microscope, or you can learn to shrug it off and not take it quite as personally and be a heck of a lot happier. Why not take his comment NOT as a judgment about your being trashy but rather a remark saying that he might be comfortable with you for a little while but couldn't see you as a long-term possibility? Yes, he didn't say it in the very best way--but it doesn't have to be an insult unless YOU let it be.
--Ms. Flis | |
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| Ending a Date Honestly
Posted: 10/1/2007 9:48:55 PM | kevinmach has brought up a really good point, and it is something that I have become more and more aware of.
I used to say that anyone who wouldn't just be honest at the end of the first meeting, and say they are not interested then and there, but instead would just disappear or send an email later, were cowardly.
I have rethought that idea - I have realized that a lot of it comes down to ego. I believe now that many of the people who say they had a great time and want to go out again, and then disappear, are really pulling the disappearing act because they don't want the chance that the other person will just say "I am not that interested in you either". That also goes for those who send a "not interested" email after the fact - they just don't want to take the chance of the other person not being interested.
It's much harder on the ego when it's someone you find unappealing.
This is probably a very accurate statement, even though a lot of people will probably not admit to it. Many people probably do have a very hard time dealing with being rejected by someone that they weren't interested in - "how dare someone I don't like, not like me".
In my experience most men I have met just do the disappearing act, after saying they want to go out again. Only once did a guy, at the end of the first meeting, say that he had a great time, but did not want to go out again. I have the utmost respect for that guy, because of his honesty. | |
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| Ending a Date Honestly
Posted: 10/2/2007 10:54:15 AM | show some class. break up in person. Be honest and say you don't think things will work out.
Otherwise, have you ever tried to fake your death? | |
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EC22
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Joined: 4/25/2007
Msg: 47 | |
| Ending a Date Honestly
Posted: 10/2/2007 12:34:32 PM | OP,
This happens all the time even when a first date goes very well. One time I went on a date with some woman. She said that she liked my physical appearance and personality. At the end of date, she clearly brought up the subject of having a second date. She told me to call her so that we could arrange another date. I called her and left a message. The next day I got an email from her stating that she was 'too busy'. Who knows what the real reason was? Maybe she was being honest. Maybe she wasn't serious about being in a relationship. Maybe she was seeing someone else. Maybe she changed her mind about me for some reason. Maybe she was afraid of getting into a relationship because of past experiences. Maybe she could have been more upfront about this, but at least it wasn't as bad as being ignored. | |
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| Ending a Date Honestly
Posted: 10/2/2007 1:21:42 PM | | Honesty is always the best way, it's true, but there are times when you're not quite sure what to think about a person until you've had time on your own to re-evaluate the events of the date. Perhaps he just wanted to leave his options open because he wasn't sure if you were worth persuing or not, but once he'd had time to think about it, he realised you weren't suited. On the other hand, he could just be a person who is too scared to face the effect of hurting another persons feelings (in simple terms a coward, but a well meaning one). Either way, you shouldn't let it bother you, just be glad you found out his nature before you got in deeper. You said yourself, you weren't overly keen on him, so at least it had the right outcome. | |
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| Ending a Date Honestly
Posted: 10/2/2007 4:05:04 PM | Men dont deal with confrontation very well.
Dating quickly is a big mistake.
I prefer to chat for a while and get to know people first.
I got fed up of first dates with completely the wrong type of person.
If you are friends before yo umeet there is a much better chance of something good developing. Even if it doesnt work you still have a friend ! | |
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| Ending a Date Honestly
Posted: 10/2/2007 7:31:46 PM | | That bugs me a lot when guys just can't say what they really mean! ~well that CAN go both ways too hehe~ | |
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