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| Ending a Date Honestly
Posted: 10/6/2007 8:31:36 PM |
This happens all the time even when a first date goes very well. One time I went on a date with some woman. She said that she liked my physical appearance and personality. At the end of date, she clearly brought up the subject of having a second date. She told me to call her so that we could arrange another date. I called her and left a message. The next day I got an email from her stating that she was 'too busy'. Who knows what the real reason was? Maybe she was being honest. Maybe she wasn't serious about being in a relationship. Maybe she was seeing someone else. Maybe she changed her mind about me for some reason. Maybe she was afraid of getting into a relationship because of past experiences. Maybe she could have been more upfront about this, but at least it wasn't as bad as being ignored.
The situation you described so closely mirrored my own experience recently, I had to do a double-take to make sure it wasn't me that wrote it! LOL 
No idea what happened. Solid date, some physical contact, went out to eat, then to a local pub for drinks, then for a walk at 2:30am when the pub closed. We mostly text messaged each other the the next day and a half, then all of the sudden, the lights went out. POF email to her was marked as read and never responded to, texts went unanswered (only sent one or two, didn't want to appear desperate, lol).
My final message to her was "Did I do something wrong, or are you just no longer interested? I understand if that's the case, just let me know" No response.
Too bad, I liked her.
So, once again OP, I stand by what I said earlier and have since had an experience reinforcing my comments in between my original post and this one-at least he DID email you to let you know what was going on.
Meanwhile, EC22 and I are left scratching out heads trying to figure out what the hell went wrong. LOL. 
Dating quickly is a big mistake.
I prefer to chat for a while and get to know people first.
I got fed up of first dates with completely the wrong type of person.
My experiences with online dating have taught me that I couldn't agree less with this statement. I would be interested in finding out how this works out for you, but most people that actively date on this site and have been on here for a while have agreed with me.
I've wasted too much time chatting on the phone, IMing, sending emails, etc, and really thinking I clicked with someone, only to have it result in a single date, and nothing more. It's not that the people weren't right for me-just one of us didn't feel the same chemistry in person that we did on the phone.
Sad but true.
Also, when you spend too much time talking before hand (weeks or months) you're bound to develop your own perception of what interacting with them in person will be like. And let's face it, it usually has nothing to do with reality-how closely it mirrors our reality probably has a bigger impact on how well the date goes than it should.
In any case, waiting too long can do more harm than good. Talk for a bit, see if there is a connection, and just for it-meet and get it over with.
Who's with me? LOL. | |
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| Ending a Date Honestly
Posted: 10/6/2007 8:50:16 PM | | BTW, thanks for having the b@lls to share that story, EC22... made me feel a little better knowing that someone has had a similar experience. | |
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| Ending a Date Honestly
Posted: 10/6/2007 9:19:57 PM | Talk for a bit, see if there is a connection, and just for it-meet and get it over with.
Who's with me? LOL.
I'm with you! I don't want to waste my time or the other person's time if there is no vibe or connection. | |
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| Ending a Date Honestly
Posted: 10/6/2007 10:46:58 PM | | I think Its OK to send a email saying thanks but no thanks. Its only a meet and greet and he prob considered It after and decided not to waste time on It. At least he emailed you and told you. | |
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| Ending a Date Honestly
Posted: 10/7/2007 9:02:18 PM | I agree with kevinmach ...
I've wasted too much time chatting on the phone, IMing, sending emails, etc, and really thinking I clicked with someone, only to have it result in a single date, and nothing more. It's not that the people weren't right for me-just one of us didn't feel the same chemistry in person that we did on the phone.
This is exactly my experience. It doesn't matter how well you click prior to meeting, since the majority of people decide the second they meet you whether it will go any further. Though they will usually play the game and tell you they want to see you again, and then just disappear.
Now I realize that there are a lot of immature people out there that will throw a "hissy" fit if they are told "thanks for the nice evening, but not interested in doing it again" - but I am mature enough to handle rejection, and want complete honesty. I would have to say that 99% of the men I have met, can't be honest at the end of a first meeting. Of course no loss on my part, since they obviously have a problem with honesty. | |
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| Ending a Date Honestly
Posted: 10/8/2007 1:15:57 AM | Why do you think he felt the need to lie and then to tell the truth behind his screen?
Well OP, The simple answer is, it is easier and more appealing to alot of people to do it over the computer e-mail, or over a letter, or by using someone else to tell the person they are no longer interested on their behalf, or the most some may do is actually call and tell the person over the phone. But they just won't say anything to your face about it.
One time when I was dating someone, the girl that broke up with me, had her friend to call me over the PHONE to let me know that she didn't want to pursue things further with me.
So it happens to alot of us, but this guy didn't want to make a scene and he tried to bring you off slowly with as little emotional pain to you (and him for that matter) as possible and thats what he did. | |
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| Ending a Date Honestly
Posted: 10/8/2007 6:08:41 AM |
Why do you think he felt the need to lie and then to tell the truth behind his screen?
*sigh*
Don't assume he lied the first time. Maybe he WAS intent on a 2nd date, then changed his mind. People do that, you know; and what's more, they're ALLOWED to do that. Changing one's mind does NOT equal lying.
!Les  | |
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| Ending a Date Honestly
Posted: 10/8/2007 6:15:03 AM |
I know what you mean...but women do it too!
Yes...we do. I have ended dates with the statement...."call me", when I have no desire to see that guy again. I just don't know what to say, and the minute I blurt that out........ I feel bad. | |
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| Ending a Date Honestly
Posted: 10/8/2007 6:32:04 AM |
I would have to say that 99% of the men I have met, can't be honest at the end of a first meeting. Of course no loss on my part, since they obviously have a problem with honesty.
Depends on how you look at it:
1) Is the guy a "playah", stringing you along because he's a mean b@$t@rd; or,
2) Is he blurting out what he THINKS you want to hear, because you think it's right to put him on the spot and demand an answer before he's had a chance to think it over?
Most guys, in my never-humble opinion, need to THINK before they can answer any sort of question. You're actually playing dirty pool by putting us on the spot like that and insisting on an answer RIGHT NOW. It can come across as controlling, or desperate, or bossy, or whatever.
!Les | |
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| Ending a Date Honestly
Posted: 10/8/2007 6:49:09 AM |
Yes...we do. I have ended dates with the statement...."call me", when I have no desire to see that guy again. I just don't know what to say, and the minute I blurt that out........ I feel bad.
Well shame on you there lol....it just ain't right to do that in my opinion OP. But as I said before it happens.
This is just me and how I am used to understanding this, and it's by NO means a Double standard I hope, not an intentional double standard anyways. But I sometimes find it alittle more......shall we say.....understandable when a guy does this, as many guys are ussually more shy infront of femails for whatever reason (self included), and so it is alittle bit understandable when I hear about a guy doing something like this. This is because I always felt that ladies would know better, thats how I grew up thinking most of the time, I don't mean that they are not capable of screwing up like guys, but I just would have ussually thought that a lady would know better then to do something like that, because afterall since we hear alot of them complain about this stuff themselves when it happens to them, one would think that they do it much less and that they know better, thats how I take it. But apparently thats just not the case. | |
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daisie
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Joined: 9/22/2004
Msg: 61 | |
| Ending a Date Honestly
Posted: 10/8/2007 6:58:12 AM | WHAT IS THE BIG DEAL?????????????????????
ok so he didnt reject you to your face. I really dont blame him at all...in fact I support that. He doesnt know jack squat about you...for all he knows you might turn pSyChO on him at the first sign of rejection. Its not so unheard of ya k now. and the guy went home and wrote you an email and told you he wasnt interested in more dates....so he didnt leave you hanging and sitting by the phone for the next 5 months waiting for his call to arrange a 2nd date.
i think he handled it just perfectly FINE.
I wonder why YOU are so irritated by it that you need to start a thread to get opinions??? THAT seems much much WEIRDER to me than what he did.
so I wonder....what happened after that first date when he said YES to a 2nd date.....did you go out and buy a wedding dress or something?
merry xmas!
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Lady_1
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Joined: 3/23/2007
Msg: 62 | |
| Ending a Date Honestly
Posted: 10/8/2007 7:05:17 AM | Dude, if my mother ever taught me anything in this life it was to "play a date safe." This includes:
1) Having a backup plan if things don't go smoothly;
2) Ending the night by saying you had a good time and tell the truth later. This way he can't hold any grudge against you and you probably never exchanged enough info for him to send a gang of his friends after you. Exaggerated? Well, look at everything else going on in the world today. | |
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| Ending a Date Honestly
Posted: 10/8/2007 7:08:25 AM | I don't mind if a date tells me he had great time and that he'll call me later, and then he simply doesn't....and I really, REALLY don't want to know why either, but that's just me. I would simply prefer to keep my own illusions thank you very much...haha!!
In the end it doesn't matter to me why he's not interested in me...he isn't, and that's all there is to it. I don't feel he's being dishonest or that he's playing with me in any way.... maybe he just didn't want to hurt my feelings ? And how exactly do you tell someone that there isn't anything wrong with them per se, but that you just don't "feel it" with them.... or that their way of talking or laughing got on your nerve, or that they remind you of your ex...or that you're simply not attracted to them in a sexual way....geesh...that's a very touchy one and I personally don't believe it's necessary to hurt any one's feelings that way....there could be a million reasons why you might decide that the person isn't for you, even after the date is over and you've had time to think it over, and none of them means that you are necessarily a bad person, just wrong for each other....and I believe that if you're a confident and secure person to begin with, you just know that this isn't about you or him, it's just the way it is, nothing more, nothing less ...well at least in my opinion anyway....but to each their own.
Love and peace 
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| Ending a Date Honestly
Posted: 10/8/2007 7:45:13 AM | I think the one point you left out might be the problem here.
he told me I was someone he would take home, but not take home to mom
I think he was trying to be honest here but messed things up a bit. My reading of this from a male perspective is that you were pleasant enough to spend a few hours with. He also found you attractive enough that he would enjoy spending some time with you between the sheets. The whole problem comes from the taking you home to mother part.
You are reading it as him seeing you as trashy while he probably meant it to mean I only take long term prospects home to mother. During the date he probably was caught up in you and at the end said would like to get together with you again with sex on his mind. Away from you he had time to really take stock of the situation and decided there had to be more there than sex to have him calling again.
I think he made a mistake in saying you are someone he would take home but not to mother. In male minds the phrase means I like you for the short term but not interested in anything long term. He should have translated it to woman terms.
Now if you came away with a bruised ego try this on for size and honesty. I was out on a date and the woman said she would f*ck me if that was all I wanted but she could not see me because I was too much of a nice guy. | |
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| Ending a Date Honestly
Posted: 10/8/2007 8:01:28 AM | I personally don't like a guy asking me on the first meeting "so how do you think it's going? do you want to go out again? blah blah blah- I guess it's a pet peeve. Unless there's instant major chemistry, I probably want to go home and think about it - think about what we talked about and learned about each other to see if I should give it another go and try to get to know the person better. I will send an e-mail in 24 hours or less to thank the person for their company and say whether I am interested in continuing to date or just see us as friends. I think no matter what one decides, if someone has taken time out of their busy life to meet you, a thank you is warranted. That goes for both genders.
I guess I don't like someone trying to pressure me for some kind of future commitment before I've even had time to process how I feel about meeting them for the first time.
Jewlsey | |
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| Ending a Date Honestly
Posted: 10/8/2007 8:02:38 AM | To this date, i still have yet to meet a women who ends a date honestly. It's always an email or them just dissapearing with the "take a hint" deal.
So when a guy does it and it gets posted on POF, i kinda chuckle.
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| Ending a Date Honestly
Posted: 10/8/2007 8:56:21 AM |
Is he blurting out what he THINKS you want to hear, because you think it's right to put him on the spot and demand an answer before he's had a chance to think it over?
IMO people should be themselves, and telling others what they THINK someone wants to hear, is not really being honest.
Most guys, in my never-humble opinion, need to THINK before they can answer any sort of question. You're actually playing dirty pool by putting us on the spot like that and insisting on an answer RIGHT NOW. It can come across as controlling, or desperate, or bossy, or whatever.
I can only speak for myself, but I have never INSISTED on an answer right away. I believe that many people "put themselves on the spot" by thinking they have to provide an answer right away, therefore they respond with the easiest answer, instead of how they really feel.
I have read enough in these forums that give a pretty good indication that the majority of men and women say they know within the first few minutes of meeting someone if they want to ever get t0gether again. Yet from my experience, very few will actually end a first meeting by saying that they are not interested in getting together again, even when they already know that they don't want to.
It is perfectly fine if you have to THINK about it - so how about just say that. | |
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| Ending a Date Honestly
Posted: 10/8/2007 12:23:43 PM | People don't voice opinions at the end of a 1st date for a few valid, sensible reasons-
1- They aren't sure what they think just yet
2- They just don't want to hurt another person's feelings
3- They're concerned they may get an over-the-top response if they say no thank you
to a second meeting-
I went to dinner once with someone who was very unlike what he'd appeared to be.
Politely sat through dinner, racist and vulgar jokes, chewing w. his mouth open, comments about my bra size, and allowed him to walk me to my car.
When asked on a second date, I said "Thank you for dinner. But I have to be honest, I'm sorry, I don't feel we match well". I was trying to be polite, yet direct.
He asked me "Why not"?? in a very loud, angry voice.
"I'd rather not get specific", I replied- still trying not to be mean, or unpleasant.
He blocked my car door and started into a full-blown temper tantrum.
"You b*tc*es are all alike", then lots more I can't type here.
I let him have his fit, then said "Obviously I made the right call.
Now get away from my car, and don't ever contact me again, or any one of my 4 brothers will visit you and kick your rude right ass into next week".
Got home to a similar e-mail. Delete, block, lesson learned.
So, do I still try to be respectful and honest? Yes.
But only if I'm 100% sure the person isn't NUTS. | |
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| Ending a Date Honestly
Posted: 10/8/2007 3:11:24 PM |
I can only speak for myself, but I have never INSISTED on an answer right away.
No, but the OP did, and then she compounded it by holding him to it, and assuming that he was a "liar" when he changed his mind.
I believe that many people "put themselves on the spot" by thinking they have to provide an answer right away, therefore they respond with the easiest answer, instead of how they really feel.
Semantics, really. Did the guy get put on the sp0t by the girl, or did he put himself on the spot?
We need Judge Judy to come in and resolve this!
It is perfectly fine if you have to THINK about it - so how about just say that.
Like political ideologies, ideas about human relations work great in theory -- it's when you introduce those pesky humans to the mix that things go awry.
!Les | |
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