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| what does it mean when......
Posted: 9/30/2007 4:20:56 AM |
But, when I've said no, he's been affectionate, hasn't pressured, and apologized for behaving like an animal, and has said that he has a hard time keeping his hands to himself when I'm near. But, no means no, and he's respected that.
So you have turned him down, and he has been respectful, understood and still passionate with you.
He sounds like a good guy to me, but if you keep randomly saying ‘No’ for no ‘good’ reason, if I were him I would think you were ‘playing games’ with me and would lose interest real fast. I am not saying that a woman can’t say “No” of course you ladies can and any man worth his salt is going to respect that. As would I.
But I have dated, I have been married, now I am divorced and have dated again. If a woman wants me, and the relationship is good, yet she is still occasionally turning me down for sex, than I would ‘run’ the other way. As at the end of most of our marriages, we men get constantly turned down for sex and definitely not for any good reason. Talk about reminding me about really ‘bad’ times. Ouch, that could very easily drive any man away.
Once you get over 30, those kinds of games make a man or woman seem childish.
I applaud you and your good friend at giving you fantastically great advice….heed it and be patient and by all means enjoy him and allow him to enjoy you as much as possible. Sounds like you two have a good thing going and playing BS ‘head’ games will NEVER help, only hurt.
Things you wrote that spoke volumes to me:
I sense he is just as afraid as I am to get hurt …
To me, that says …
Did you tell him that it says that to you? That it makes you feel a certain ‘negative’ way? He can NOT read your mind!
decided instead to let him know what I do like about him, and how I do enjoy spending time together, but that I was confused and hurt about the lack of communication, … but let's just say, I have a better understanding of his nature, and the fact that he is very driven to achieve a particular goal.
You did great there…keep that up…what to go!
was an issue with me, and my need to control everything and everyone around me. This was pointed out by a dear friend, whom I trust and love.
And you are listening to him…that speaks volumes for you. You are lucky to have such a dear friend you trust and love. This is one of the many reasons both men and women, should not ‘dump’ their dear friends just because they are in a new relationship. And if someone ‘loves’ you they will accommodate your friends also.
If, in the end, things don't go in a particular direction, I KNOW I've just made a friend for life, and that's a good feeling
Hey female POFers, did you read that? Go on that date. Get out and meet these people. Worst case scenario you have another great friend! You will find if you get out and do things, that is when you are going to meet that special person…do it and at least you will have a friend for life! As it should be!
Actually, I'm not "guilted" into feeling like I have control issues. Trust me, I do. I had an epiphany about this the other night, when a friend, who I trust and love dearly pointed it out to me. .. I've only known the man for over a month
You did not move ‘too’ fast, you are over 35, chances are so is he. Those old time frames when you were in High School, need to stay there. They no longer have meaning as you are more mature, more experienced and so is he. If you try to apply time frames like you did when you were a ‘kid’ that would be a shame and only makes things worse.
letting things happen the way they are supposed to, rather than trying to force something to happen
AS it should be. I hope everyone reading this takes that to heart… things happen in their own time, not in our time. To try to ‘force’ it will only make it worse.
Sounds like you are doing GREAT! Congrats on being in a good relationship and learning more about yourself in the process. I sincerely hope it continues for you.
It’s funny to note that had you heeded the earlier ‘knee jerk’ advice that you might have missed out on something wonderful.
WOW! | |
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| what does it mean when......
Posted: 9/30/2007 8:12:08 AM | | and that's what my reaction would have been. knee jerk. my usual standby-unsheath the sword, and start attacking. Why? Because he isn't behaving the way I want him to. Control issue. Mine. I've been down this road before, and it has ended with me going headlong into a brick wall. In fact, I drove away someone, who, before we started seeing each other, was a friend for 4 years. And because I was trying to control him, trying to get him to call, to see me, when he truly was busy, and I KNEW IT, yet, still wanted everything, all at once, on my terms only, no comprimise, I ended up losing a good friend, whom I still miss to this day. He won't even take my calls, even over a year later, and all I want to do is apologize for my behaviour. Losing a friend like that is such a terrible feeling. Now, I'm in the same situation, only with someone else, and only wanted clarification, not a proposal, or even a promise. But, my gut instinct is telling me that there is something special here, and if I have to be patient, then that is something that I'm gonna have to do, and if it means being friends, then, I'm not losing another friend. I honestly believe we meet people for a reason, we just have to be receptive to the reason. | |
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| what does it mean when......
Posted: 9/30/2007 8:27:56 AM | | Oh, and just to clafiry, I wasn't saying no to sex for no good reason. I told him why. I didn't want the relationship to be about sex only, no matter how good the sex was. Also, I felt like just spending time with him. He was still respectful, still affectionate, and didn't make me feel in any way bad about saying no. | |
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| what does it mean when......
Posted: 9/30/2007 7:31:04 PM |
I told him why. I didn't want the relationship to be about sex only,no matter how good the sex was.
sounds like the old bait and switch , you gave a little to dangle your line then nothing. Not sure I could be as tolerant. Yeah he sounds like a keeper. I don't let women manipulate me that way I mean hell who does most of the work in sex ? the man right ?( in most cases ) Who does all the convincing ? the man right ? ( in most cases ) , Who pays for everything , the man right? ( in most cases ) . Seems a bit silly but thankfully I'm not most cases. | |
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| what does it mean when......
Posted: 9/30/2007 10:46:42 PM | | Uh.Ya. Okay. First of all, sex in NOT work. Ever. And no, it was not a bait and switch, whatever that means. I was expressing what I was feeling. You guys don't like head games, neither do I, and really, I do prefer the direct approach. No guessing. No bullshit. What I was expressing was that I like him, and would like us to share more than just our bodies. I hardly think it's manipulation. I was being honest. As for paying for things, or doing convincing, or any of that, sounds to me like you're the one who might benefit from someone being honest with you too. I prefer honesty over anything. If a man says to me that he really isn't ready, or really isn't interested, sure it sucks, but it's honest, and I can deal with that. If it's just bullshit and stringing someone along for the sake of trying to let them down easy, that's dishonest, and that hurts more than anything. I approach things with honesty, and only ask the same in return. | |
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| what does it mean when......
Posted: 10/1/2007 7:37:02 PM | no matter how good the sex was.
These are your words suggesting that you did have sex with the guy ( and there isnothing wrongwith that :) but if you give a guy steak and then swap it down to kraft dinner obviously the guy is gonna feel used !!! No ? Us men are not just toys to be played with honey ! we have feeling and emotions and weird shit like that too you know ........now I'm gonna cry !! noone watch cause I'm sensitive :)
As crass as it may sound most of us men men take responsibility for who we fuck ! it's the way it is............ we aren't 18 anymore! | |
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| what does it mean when......
Posted: 10/1/2007 9:09:25 PM | You've misread it all. I didn't STOP having sex with him, simply, there were a couple of times that I really didn't want to have sex, but I didn't hold out, or swap down. A couple of times is certainly not "using someone". It's just that. A couple of times. BUT, that point is moot. I'm not concerned with the sex, lack of sex, but rather, lack of communication, and what it might mean, so forth and so on. And, I was ALWAYS trying to think of his feelings, especially if I wasn't feeling rambunctious, so that he was sure that it wasn't because I didn't find him sexually attractive, or anything like that. I maintained that I was EXTREMELY attracted to him, on all levels, felt that there is great potential here, and was simply confused by his words, which sounded like his was looking for more, but his actions which seemed to say that he was looking for nothing at all. And what would fall in the "normal" category of how many times a person should contact the other one they are interested in, without coming across as too needy, or too aloof. So, forget about the sex issue. I like the man, a great deal, for a great many reasons, and he said he felt the same way, and that everything had to go slow, that he TRULY was busy, that he wasn't playing me, or I him. The confusion was simply on my part, and what I was EXPECTING someone else to do for me.
Regardless, I'm finding a lot of people on this site very closed, and not willing to be tolerant of anything, or to even try something new. All I do know is that my ways up till now have not served me at all, so I'm trying something new- honesty. Letting a man know that I care. Letting him know that I'm attracted, and would like more, somewhere down the road, but for now, let's just enjoy it, and see where it goes. The only issue I was having was that he wasn't calling me as much as I would like him to, or, well, was expecting, and almost demanding him to. Perhaps, even in talking to him about it, it still seemed like a demand, which wasn't my intent. I only wanted to know what was going on, and that yes, I have a standard when it comes to communication. I've laid my cards on the table, I'm prepared to hear the truth, if he chooses that now is not the time for him, or I'm not the one for him, if that's the truth, then that's the truth, and I would respect him for telling me the truth. If he feels the same way, then he knows how I feel as well, and something will come of all of this.
So, this is so much more important than sex. Get over the sex issue already! | |
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| what does it mean when......
Posted: 10/1/2007 9:24:23 PM | | Hun, it's not about the sex, it's only that sex is usually an indicator of where you are and he may be. There's nothing wrong with having it. There's nothing wrong with having it early, or late, or whatever. The reason it's important it's because sex is the ultimate intimacy, the ultimate vulnerability. It has those meanings for both men and women. In different ways, but they still do. The key is that you're both on the same page. And I don't think you are. And now you are backtracking to defend his actions and play the it's all my fault card. Hmmmm. I am smelling the "she is easy to be used" card. Girl, be careful what you convince yourself of believing. | |
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| what does it mean when......
Posted: 10/2/2007 7:08:22 AM | | Sigh. I hate being misunderstood. I think you are correct about not being on the same page. Even though I was assured we were, I don't think we are. BUT, that really isn't a big deal, other than why men are like that. As for the sex, I agree with what you say "Hun, it's not about the sex, it's only that sex is usually an indicator of where you are and he may be. There's nothing wrong with having it. There's nothing wrong with having it early, or late, or whatever." It just isn't the issue here. The issue was the lack of communication, and I wanted to know why. As for backtracking, I was simply trying to explain what happened, without giving too much information. As well, I was, and still am, on a journey of self-actualization here. Learning something very important about myself. By the way, since you brought it up, what DOES sex mean to a guy? | |
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| what does it mean when......
Posted: 10/2/2007 9:11:51 AM |
By the way, since you brought it up, what DOES sex mean to a guy?
Hmm. Interesting question because it's been asked a million times, but how do we go beyond the usual answer. First of all, men do not have to be in love to have sex. But let's not go there. Let's go into the area of a relationship and sex. Why is sex important for the man in defining that relationship, because before sex you are nothing but a bonefied friend and the guy wonders if she is leading him or whether the relationship will become intimate. Sex is an action. Is something that you either do or don't do. So once you have sex, it becomes clear that it is more than friends. It doesn't guarantee that it will last, or that he will fall for her, but it defines the before and after. Before sex the man act in a certain way, maintains a certain decorum. After sex other doors of intimacy open. For instance after sex, in the relationship the woman would not hesitate to tell the man that she is in the rag. Or walk into the bathroom while the other one is peeing.
The problem I see with some relationships that wait to have sex is that after a while all the emotional intensity of getting to know each other becomes plain familiarity, so by the time you have sex, it doesn't have the fireworks of acting just on the heat of passion that you would have with a person that you had instant chemistry. The problem with jumping into sex too fast, is that then the relationship my be driven by nothing but sex. That's why I think what is important is that both are at the same page, or that they both understand where they are.
Anyway, I don't know if this answers the question, any thoughts? | |
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| what does it mean when......
Posted: 10/2/2007 5:50:36 PM | {quote]I honestly believe we meet people for a reason, we just have to be receptive to the reason.
Don't get caught up in romantic notions. You may have met this guy because you haven't "learned the lesson yet". Ask yourself if you've been dating the same guy over and over again. Learn the lesson and your eyes will be open to the right men. I don't know what your lesson is and I don't believe you know what it either (heck I just discovered mine) but you will eventually. For instance I kept breaking up and getting together with a guy I knew was no good but we had so much fun when we were together (he also never e-mailed or called me. That's because I was 1 of 4 girls he was seeing!). Everytime we got back together I had the romantic notion that it was for a reason. But it was because I hadn't learned the lesson yet and one day that lesson called me at work to tell me she was dating him too! Some times you need to be hit over the head before you get it.
You know what you need to do. | |
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| what does it mean when......
Posted: 2/14/2008 11:40:13 PM | Ok, here is the deal,NOT all men are the same.They might do the same thing,BUT have a very different motivation for doing SO. Some men are NOT chasing women.SO, not all men are the same.Drawing conclusions from past experiences CAN be futile. What sex means to men? IF she loves me, we have sex.It is that simple.
Forcing a man to take a stand WILL net NOTHING good.Some are fast, and some are not so,when it comes to the matters to the heart.If HE stopped for you,that usually means real interest. Some men like their freedom,AND don't try to make you lose your own.That does NOT mean that he is NOT interested,simply he is not trying to control your life.
To get a real picture you have to go case by case.DO NOT assume anything. Just go with the flow,without ANY pressure. Being on the same page is IMPORTANT, BUT the interpretation can be very different for men and women. I usually go with the men's because IT is logical. While most women's are emotional. Huge difference. Logic is logic, emotions change. I would not read anything into it,unless I know for sure. Let it develop on it's own. If it happens great, if it does not,YOU know it was not meant to be. | |
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| what does it mean when......
Posted: 2/15/2008 12:23:24 AM | | seems like he's possbily scared to go into a new relationship...Maybe it is just fwb. But, you need to have a major talk with him and see where it goes from then. | |
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