| Grown Men 40+ who live at home
Posted: 2/22/2008 6:29:29 AM |
My opinion, way too many people make snap judgements about people based on things they have assumed about them. Can you translate that into Latin so I can hang it on the Over 45 Forum doorway?
Our plummeting economy is forcing this upon us, anyway. So, let those who are tempted to judge others cast the first humiliating statement. | |
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| The Flip Side: Children who are in their 50's whose parents live with them.
Posted: 2/22/2008 9:18:20 AM | I guess while we're getting or shots in, people should lob a few grenades into the crowd that has allowed their aging parents to move in with them. The nerve! Don't they know that assuming some responsibility could put a damper on their social life? "They won't be able to take me out and dote on me!" Whaaaa! 
People usually don't start these types of lame threads unless there is someone that they are interested in who is exibiting the behavior they are complaining about. If you don't like the fact he's living with his parents, toss him back in and go fishing for another one. SHEESH! | |
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| Grown Men of 50 whose parents had to move in with them.
Posted: 2/23/2008 3:30:11 PM | | Okay, I'm at the other end of the spectrum where my mother had to move it with me. After a tornado dropped a tree on her house and she's had bouts with a heart attack, cancer, diabetes - I'm all the family she has left, so of course I took her in and my style isn't cramped. Let's put things into perspective; my mother carried me for 10/1/2 months, was in labour for 72 hours and I weighed in at just over 13 pounds and change - looking after her now at this stage in her life is the LEAST I can do for her. She's the only mother who gets a card on MY birthday. Call me what you will - I doubt it will be that imaginative - but will your children do the same for you when you need help? | |
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| Grown Men of 50 whose parents had to move in with them.
Posted: 2/24/2008 6:41:47 PM | Very Admirable; I think with the baby-boomers aging, were going to see more of us caring for our parents as they become elderly (if they aren't already). My dad is 77 and still very spry, but I'm wondering how many good years he has left at this point . . .
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| Grown Men 40+ who live at home
Posted: 2/26/2008 12:40:31 PM | | aireon, many of the divorced women on this website were married to selfish, immature grown men who wanted to be treated like babies in Mom and Dad's home, and that is "why their marriages hit the skids", as you say! | |
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| Grown Men 40+ who live at home
Posted: 2/27/2008 4:42:34 AM | | 40, living at home help take care of his parents . That the only reason I am still at home . | |
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| Grown Men 40+ who live at home
Posted: 2/27/2008 5:48:06 AM | It would depend on the situation.
If the person was living at home to help his/her aging parents, that's one thing.
If the person was living at home because they had little interest or ability to function as an independent adult, that would be another.
if the person had TEMPORARY financial setbacks, that would be different as well.
But only if the setbacks were TEMPORARY.
I guess that you've have to get to know the person and see which camp they'd fall into....
And make your decision from there | |
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| Grown Men 40+ who live at home
Posted: 2/27/2008 12:28:42 PM | if its your own personal assesment of a 'freeloading' guy, then probably no way.
Even if the guy has his own 'business', most of his cash may be used for that and not much left over for 'living' expenses.
And how do men feel about a single woman over 40 taking care of their parent(s)?
Is it because in this particular society, women are expected to be the 'caretakers'?
I will have to make this decision in the next year or 2. My parents are in their 80's and I'll be visiting them in a few months....getting together with the siblings and attempting to 'lasso' Mom and Dad into one room to 'discuss' the enevitable...sigh. Just to point out that I certainly would not want to be 'judged' about what living situation I may find myself in.
There are all different kinds of scenarios.
Good 'thread', by the way! | |
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| Grown Men 40+ who live at home
Posted: 2/28/2008 12:01:49 AM | For alot of families multi-genrational homes are making a return. Sometimes it's because of health reasons, and sometimes it may be very close relationships. More often than not in multi-generational homes it is for economical reasons. Everyone pitching in to make abetter home than any of them could have on their own. It's actually an old tradition here in north america, and still fairly prevalent in europe.
Don't think about the 46 year old stoner with a bed in his parents basement. Think about the British Royal Family or the Kennedys in Hyanisport or even the Waltons!
Doesn't seem like such a problem that way. | |
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| Grown Men 40+ who live at home
Posted: 2/28/2008 2:27:20 PM |
Don't think about the 46 year old stoner with a bed in his parents basement
Well, then how about the 37 year old stoner who never left home and sleeps in a twin bed in the room he's had since childhood?! ugh | |
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| Grown Men 40+ who live at home
Posted: 2/29/2008 5:28:01 AM | much has already been said about cultural differences, valid reasons to live with parents, not jumping to conclusions, etc. While all of that is true, 40+ man living at home (especially, 40+ man living with only his mother) raises a red flag. You DO have to question "Is this a mama's boy?" Will he be able to break that tie - will she?
Signing your own lease, paying your own mortgage, dealing with your own obnoxious roommates or neighbors, paying your own utility bills or risk the service being turned off ... these are all growth experiences grounded in reality. They result in flexibility and adaptation being developed. To join your life with another is an even bigger challenge, and someone who has lived comfortably in sameness may not be a very good candidate.
So while I wouldn't use the 40+ and at home criterion as definitive, I sure would use it as a possible warning sign. | |
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| Grown Men 40+ who live at home
Posted: 3/6/2008 6:20:44 AM | | I left home when I was just 17 . Since then my live was verry eventfull. Now with 49 I think its the comfort you have, my Mother would do anything for me. To feel home. Now I haven't seen my mother for three years!! | |
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| Grown Men 40+ who live at home
Posted: 3/6/2008 4:44:36 PM | I know exactly the kind of man the poster was wondering about. Let me tell you about a pathological man who I did not see as pathological for a few years because he was so slick, glib and tall, handsome, charming, boyish, bright, very educated, and a church goer (everyday) working for a church organization.
He returned to Ct at age 37 and moved in with father. Mother lived in a different house built by husband's father, taking care of the aunt til she was 102. This man in his late forties(never married, now going on 55, totally healthy, stable job) movied in to "take care of aforementioned aunt who he liked." Alledgedly not liking the mother, saying some derogatory things but very cloaked, but still willing to live with her! I found out from the horse's mouth years after knowing him (thats how secretive) that he had coerced his parents by threatening them subtley that he would be scarce if they did not let him back. Why? He wanted to live cheaply, frugally, doesn't pay room or board or a bill to this day. Of couse he's got money. And he's gonna get half of theirs. The father lives alone and sonny boy who is like a boyscout to his agency, lives with Mom, Auntie having died in 2000. Why should he move? His parents let him shovel and do doctor trips for free board.
User? You bet? Liar? You bet. Gamer? You bet /The worst. There is a kind of man who never liked his mother and he grows up to hate women. Misogynist, as you all know, but maybe younger gals read this forum and don't know. Returning to the nest, for this guy is all about getting money and property from the mom he loathed. Granted she's a witch. And also getting "something" from a mother he deep down knows messed him up. Dad was not innocent. He passively let the Mom rule and rant.
And he hangs out with revered Dad the rest of week, golfs etc. Also a celibate Catholic with no intent ever to marry but he lied to several women just for companionship and affection. This kind of "mama's boy" hates momma, never bonded with women and deep down hates and fears her control. He as a psychologist returned to heal that family, you might think? Perhaps, but he is in truth a parasite.
A shrink would say he has a severe attachment disorder, is a misogynist (hater of women) and has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The key issue with these men is that they are controlled still by the dominant mother. They may need pretty women, or they may need sexual relationships. But they never commit. RUN from these guys as they are always users, takers, not givers.
Met another man, 66, year old still living at home, very successful, saved a lot etc. He loved the controlling old. b... and was still bathing her at 92. She'd had a stroke 20 years before. She STILL was jealous and yelled when any women called. A normal woman with boundaries does not want her son washin her intimates when she can afford a nurse.
Whether they hate her or love her, the result is the same. They have adjustment and bonding disorders and are unfit to date or marry. It's guaranteed misery. If you are willing to wait until Mommy is dead, maybe he will find time for you. But I doubt it.
RUN FROM THESE MEN.... This is not the same as someone who's culture is different, someone who lost a job in this economy or someone who REALLY IS taking care of a very infirmed parent in absence of a daughter. Maybe you don't want to date them either. But that's not pathological. The two men mentioner earlier married their mother early in life. They never bought a house, were stingy with women, never married, no kids. Only responsibility in life was their job, which is always like the wife they could never commit to. Most of you older women know how to spot emotional users and abusers. The problem is, these men know how to prey on the weaker women, disabled women, women in financial distress, needful women abused by their parents, husband, lover etc. i.e. ANYONE they feel they can MANIPULATE to get validation, company, admiration, sex...whatever it is that they need to get for their fragile egos. Sam Vankin on his site calls it Narcissistic supply.
They don't look or act fragile. The ones who hated or deeply disliked the mother will take this out on you, the woman, the partner, the target. At worst, they are sociopaths. The first example is a man I know all to well. Emotionally dangerous in his extreme selfishness.
The second, who loved his mother but was her beloved oldest boy, never got away from her, was not without remorse or conscience. He only sought women far beneath his level, "not the kind you marry" to gratify his sex urges. I'm sure he lied to many, as I love you, Ill marry you was hope to these poorer, less educated but pretty, sexy women. This is still use and use is the root of ab-use. Call me old fashioned, but I think its a sin to steal anothers heart/body or hopes for you own gain.
But he had a history of going to Mexico to find women for flings. Or looking for women to be with who would not pressure him to marry. They're both still single, not looking. I hope.
These men never shared when young, so don't expect them to be giving when old. I hope younger women read the older folks forums here and learn from experience. Lots of good advice her at pof, even if you don't find what you'd like! | |
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| Grown Men 40+ who live at home
Posted: 3/10/2008 8:35:06 PM | Time to drop the sexism people.
Now you lot go back and take every spiteful remark youve made about MEN who still live at home and gender reverse it.
You retain ALL of the spite and all of the venom but now you direct it towards women who live at home. No play downs, no excuses, no pretending. It's the same story. | |
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| Grown Men 40+ who live at home
Posted: 3/11/2008 5:55:39 PM | i think we are all, dependent, women living with a man, man living still with a woman.
same thing as live with mom and dad.
Only time I ever lived alone, was when I owned my own home, paid for it myself and lived and cooked alone.
no tenants
so dont ridicule others, cause most people are not dependant and live with some person to guide them | |
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| Grown Men 40+ who live at home
Posted: 3/12/2008 2:22:19 PM | I must admit ..I have noticed the difference between guys that live with their mums and those that live in their own place.
If you are looking after your parents.. or they have a health problem thats different...
Parents should be looked after if need be. not them look after us so to say.
Not saying one is not independant doing so. just have noticed there is a difference.
So before I get stoned by some...these are my thoughts and what I have noticed, do personally prefer a guy to have his own place..Makes life so much easier LOL | |
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| Grown Men 40+ who live at home
Posted: 3/13/2008 11:44:36 AM | | There is a very interesting piece in newspapers that syndicate Dear Abby, about a retired mother who has two grown sons living with her. It appeared on Tuesday, March 11, 2008. It is titled, "Mom gets support to kick out sons". Her sons are only 22 and 24 now, but most readers seem to agree that if she doesn' t put them out NOW, they WILL be the 40+ moochers who live at home with Mom... | |
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| Grown Men 40+ who live at home
Posted: 3/13/2008 8:04:44 PM | There can be many reasons, some of them sick and some of them perfectly reasonable. My mother and I shared digs for many years, and I can tell you there were a few reasons. One was that we almost lost her once to a violent attack, a stabbing. I was across the other side of the world at the time. Since then I've always felt better knowing where she is, that she is safe, and I'm nearby if there is a problem and so forth. We also found it a symbiotic relationship. We could buy food in bulk and split the bill and other little practicalities like that. These days we live about 2 hours from each other, but we still get together now and then for a trip to Costco. My girlfriend never really liked it, but she too has a son who is very close to her and I tolerate that well so she has never made my life a misery over it. You never know what the reasons for such a situation might be. I knew another guy who lived with his mother until she died, but he was gay and didn't give a hoot what other women thought about it. I have another friend who is a Hare Krishna devotee and he tells me that in tantric societies it is considered very honorable for a man to look after his mother even to the point of living with her.
If you find yourself attracted to such a man but can't get your head around his living arrangements, my suggestion is that you sit down with him alone and spill the problem out to him. It shouldn't hurt him too much if he's a real man. He'll understand, and you might be very surprised at his answer, even perhaps pleasantly surprised. An open mind is valuable asset, Redy. If it does hurt him, maybe that's what he needs to jolt himself into action. | |
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| Grown Men 40+ who live at home
Posted: 3/13/2008 8:23:47 PM | Hi,
Since I'm not of the younger generation, most parents are dead or ill. The few that are alive belong in a home. My son lived on his own, but daughter lived with her father and new stepmom. Sometimes financial conditions force children to live with parents on a temporary basis; if it's long term, the parent is controlling and the guy should move out. My first husband lived with his 2 brothers and his parents. When we married, his 2 younger brothers remained at home. Not long after, they, too found wives and moved out. Years ago, emphasis is put on marriage, today the word is obsolete according to the men I dated.
Paula | |
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| Grown Men 40+ who live at home
Posted: 3/14/2008 10:11:43 AM | I am 44 and just left home. I had to rent an apartment due to a new job and the commute. On the other hand by time I was 40 I paid off my mom's mortgage, bought her a new car and padded her retirement. I grew up as an only child. My father stressed that you never get something for nothing. Going to college with mostly non - Americans due to my field of computer science, that train of thought was stressed over and over. Foreign students were working, putting themselves through school and sending money home. As one fellow put it, “You Americans call yourselves independent by moving out and paying the bank instead of your parents. How stupid can that be? You pay off your families debts before you feather some else’s' nest.
I am very thankful for that lesson. Now many of the “independent, mature” homeowners are underwater. Their ships are not only sinking but nose diving. My family’s home is my family’s home NOT THE BANK’S!!!! | |
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| Grown Men 40+ who live at home
Posted: 3/14/2008 10:17:34 AM |
Time to drop the sexism people.
Now you lot go back and take every spiteful remark youve made about MEN who still live at home and gender reverse it.
You retain ALL of the spite and all of the venom but now you direct it towards women who live at home. No play downs, no excuses, no pretending. It's the same story. I don't know if people intentionally ignore your posts, Crayonzz, but bravo for once again pointing out the double-standard/hypocrisy that is the modus operandi of so many in the over-45 forum. | |
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| Grown Men 40+ who live at home
Posted: 3/14/2008 12:37:21 PM | schadenfreudian:
checkout:
http://glennsacks.com/
i think glenn is very interesting. i think you will agree. | |
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