| single for too long??
Posted: 1/25/2008 4:15:45 AM | Oh wow, this hits close to home.
Single for 13 years now with one serious relationship that lasted for a year in there.
I have been very happy single. I love my freedom. I HATE sleeping in the same bed with someone (somthing I know I can learn to get over) and I can spend my time however I want. What's not to like.
I told myself I was just going to concentrate on raising my two daughters and not bring men in and out of their lives. I think it is so selfish when women do that. I put my heart in a little box, tied it up nice and neat and set it up on the shelf in the closet.
However, My youngest is 18 and I am ready for a serious relationship now.
Here's the problem.
When I first set up my account I had all these parameters of what I wanted and didn't want. Blocking this and that and the list was lengthy of who could NOT send me a message.
Big Mistake. Nobody was ever going to be able to meet this criteria.
I have to step out of the box.
So recently I took all those blocks off and I got a message from someone who blew me away. They weren't in my comfort zone (or so I thought) at all.
I guess my point is that you do get settled and set in your ways and sometimes you have to step out of the comfort zone and open your eyes to what you are doing to ruin your chances of finding someone who could be your perfect match in all the RIGHT areas.
The one thing I miss the most......kissing!
Peace and Love to all
Deb | |
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| single for too long??
Posted: 1/25/2008 4:19:48 AM | | There's a point of "KNOW RETURN" (When you know that the living-as-a-couple way of life is not how you fit into the grand scheme if things.) The more assets you accumulate and independence you achieve -- the less likely you become to ever get back into the harness so to speak..... | |
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| single for too long??
Posted: 1/25/2008 4:52:27 AM | I think that one can sit on the fence too long ~ for all the right reasons.
You develop a comfort zone and it's hard to get out of it.
You more or less ~ go to seed ~ get narrower with your purpose in life.
Still uncertain about wanting to expose yourself or them to the possibility of pain and grief.
You know if you play ~ someones blood will be on the ice. Maybe yours
If one manages to get passed a point to where the the desire to have and enjoy a mate is not so intense ~ there is benfits to this life style. But you are missing out on alot of things that a good mate can offer. ~
Just the scent of a woman ~ the smell of something cooking when you get home.
The loving touch of a women ~ you have a hard time buying ~ the laughter of childern,
You get around a woman ~ you get around children ~ sweet innocence ~ it's priceless.
Do you subject yourself to bondage for such ~~ comforts and pleasures? ~dar | |
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| single for too long??
Posted: 1/25/2008 5:02:54 AM | well im glad i looked at this forum..so many people in the same place as me..personally im happy in my world..8 yrs single..as many,have had a few flings along the way..my problem is that guys are either full on and wanna get married and live happily ever after in the first 20 mins of meeting and scare the hell outta me...or the guys that i feel i could perhaps spend some time with dont wanna know and are after a bit of 'fun'as its called nowadays..im more than aware that im not the vulnerable little chick i was when left my 12 year relationship 8 yrs ago..iv become strong and independant,i say it as i see it and if people dont agree thats fine cos were all entitled to a opinion..
I have a 9 year old daughter and i dont go out much so use the pc to chat..18 yrs ago i went to bits when i was left with 2 children on my own and made some really bad decisions that have had a knock on affect to this day..i often think had i had a pc and contact with the outside world i would maybe have made different decisions and things would be different now..having sed that..i also agree that when u go on a site it does tend to be a bit like'NEXT!!'dont like the look of him move on...but we are all aware that looks are only on the surface and its the personality that counts in the long run..so what now??date people that dont do it for u physically in the hope theyl make ya laugh and win u over that way??I dont think theres any conclusions just dont let any body in if theyre gonna make ure life worse..enjoy whats on offer and keep smilin..singles a good thing not bad so enjoy it..and if ure lonely?? get out there..join a club..xx | |
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| single for too long??
Posted: 1/25/2008 5:59:52 AM | SapphirePoet wrote:
I have been very happy single. I love my freedom. I HATE sleeping in the same bed with someone
I am very happy being single and I too love my freedom and I also hate sharing my be with someone.
Here's the problem.
When I first set up my account I had all these parameters of what I wanted and didn't want. Blocking this and that and the list was lengthy of who could NOT send me a message.
Big Mistake. Nobody was ever going to be able to meet this criteria.
I have to step out of the box.
So recently I took all those blocks off and I got a message from someone who blew me away. They weren't in my comfort zone (or so I thought) at all.
So many here at POF have their profiles set up with parameters that demand this and block that and ultimately have their box so locked up that nobody would qualify to get in. Then they nobly and self righteously declare that they will never settle. And here they remain. The funny thing is that even they are not good enough for themselves. | |
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| single for too long??
Posted: 1/25/2008 6:34:45 AM |
OK, what's bothering me about this thread;
the assumption that "single" is somehow an indication of deficiency or failure. I don't see any threads saying " I wonder if I've been married too long"? I've seen a couple that seem to ask why the author keeps getting into bad or unsatisfactory relationships. I would suspect that the ANSWER to that question would be because they are afraid to NOT be in a relationship....to be SINGLE.
I agree, bothers me too, because on the other end of that, I meet a lot of people who are single and hate it - and think meeting me's gonna solve that. I refuse to entertain someone else because they can't stand to be alone - I run from people like that. I like being single and will only seek people of the same frame of mind. I'm not a social worker...
When you start thinking "single too long", I guess I'd worry that you then might start making bad decisions or trying to force oneself into being someone that you're not,and wind up being in a relationship with the wrong person, or being in a relationship gained by playing a role,and knowing that to drop the role would be to lose the relationship.
Exactly, Cindy. People that think single is negative will almost always make their choices based on that, not the people they meet. They will try to make things work that aren't geared to. They will stay somewhere that's not healthy when they should respect themselves and walk. Knowing you're ok single means knowing you don't have to settle for less than you should in a relationship. If that takes 20 years to find, you'd better get comfortable with it and stop focusing so freaking hard on finding someone, or you'll have a long miserable wait. Find some balance in your life. The sooner, the better. | |
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| single for too long??
Posted: 1/26/2008 7:28:28 AM | Dar I just wanted to say that I always enjoy your posts.
I would NEVER subject myself to bondage for such.....unless he was really sexy and trustworthy. LOL!
"Blood on the ice" made me flashback to being 13 and getting my fingers ice skated over after falling down at the skating rink I hung out at.
Didn't lose any fingers thank God, just had to get a few stitches.
TC
Deb | |
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| single for too long??
Posted: 1/26/2008 7:51:50 AM | The reason i choose to try online is a matter of the quality of people im meeting.
Then you must be disappointed with the "quality" of people youfind online. I find the vast majority of people online ( self included) are flawed in some way that makes then virtually undateable.
Singleness is infinitely better than settling. | |
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| single for too long??
Posted: 1/26/2008 7:53:32 AM | | it's been a year plus for me. Any time I have any sparks with anyone, they disappear on me before I have a chance to meet them in person. I never get as much as a goodbye or a found somebody better note. I'm still young though, so I suppose I got plenty of time to wait for that one person that makes some sparks and doesn't pull a houdini. | |
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| single for too long??
Posted: 1/26/2008 7:55:12 AM |
I meet a lot of people who are single and hate it - and think meeting me's gonna solve that. I refuse to entertain someone else because they can't stand to be alone - I run from people like that. I like being single and will only seek people of the same frame of mind. I'm not a social worker...
I sometimes wonder if that's not a core demographic in the 34-54 age group. | |
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| single for too long??
Posted: 1/26/2008 8:25:12 AM | The first thing men ask me is "Why are you still single?" I find that it is becoming a "stingnatism" after being on my own for 10 years.
I worked 2 jobs, and raised a great son. During those years, I never lived with a man, never had a man stay over when my son was home. I did date, had a few long term relationships , asked by two different men to get married. They were just not my "Mr. Right". I believe in romance, I do think there is a "lid for every pot". I just don't know where mine is. Is he in New York? Alaska? California? Does he live 10 miles away from me?
I shudder to think I will turn 50 this year, but they say the 50's are the new 40's.
So I will keep buying my high heels and "seriel" date until we find each other. Do I wish I had someone? Absolutely, but I am having a great time along the way finding him! | |
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| single for too long??
Posted: 1/26/2008 8:31:50 AM |
I am another who agrees with you all. I find that after being single for 8 years, it is tough to let go of the doing it myself and starting the lets do it together. I also find that I am more picky because seeing as I have been single this long, I don't need to settle for the first thing that comes along, but also find that I am worried that I may never find the one who will get me past that point. I just found during all that time that I just wasn't in the dating mood, and now that I am I find that I too have lost all the social graces, plus the technique to communicate with the opposite sex on the dating level. It is hard to let go of the single minded way of doing things, but it is darn lonely too. I am trying to be more open to the options, but find that a lot more games are played nowadays than were played when I was in the dating world. It also wasn't so hard as I was younger, in better shape, and more ready to go out and dance the night away. Now I am more settled and find that I don't want a life of running around and seeking out new things to while the night away, not that I am lazy, just that I have gotten into a rut of sorts. Guess time will bring it around with a few dates and being more open than I was in the past, but still find that I am not going to settle for someone who wants to date me just because I was offered. I still have my likes and dislikes and will still hold out for the one I can connect with on all levels, or maybe learn a thing or two lol.
Although I have had several house partners throughout my life, I've pretty much distanced myself over the yrs. I couldn't have explained anything any better than with the quote above.
I do want to say that my modern day fear has been, if I'm distracted with dating around, the right woman for me might pass me by. I guess I'm trying to stay available which obviously isn't doing me any good either... damn if I do and damned if I don't  | |
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| single for too long??
Posted: 1/26/2008 11:44:35 AM | Is there a Guiness Book of records on something like this?  I wonder if I qualify. | |
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| single for too long??
Posted: 1/26/2008 9:25:00 PM | | I've been divorced 2 years. Thankfully I do have other things going on in my life...like my job, my son and my friends. Recently I have been making more of an effort to meet people in person. I'll keep the profile on here but I'm not limiting my efforts to the whole online thing. | |
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| single for too long??
Posted: 1/26/2008 9:34:04 PM | | Very smart. I think the online process should be one of many ways you put yourself out there so that you're available should someone that suits you can find you. At the same time, I think that people should go on and enjoy life while they are single and not put so much pressure on having to find someone. | |
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| single for too long??
Posted: 1/26/2008 11:06:25 PM |
Im starting to feel like (as i look back) that maybe im too quick to end something or never even let it start.
I can identify with that...I think sometimes it's why I DON'T date...fear. Afraid to take a leap of faith and not be hurt for the zillionth time....or afraid to trust my own judgement ever again....or still yet, maybe the right one has come by, only I was too blind to recognize it was happening. Would I really know if the right one did come along? How would I recognize him anyway, having always been drawn to the wrong ones? It's tough.
Janelow, I sooooo hear ya hon. I don't date right now, not because I haven't been asked, it just scares the hell outa me, so I just put on my profile looking for friends, until I can get to the point I no longer feel that way. Part of it is the same thing merry0709 said....just always giving and never gettin anything in return until you are all given out and feel so used. I don't wanna live like that anymore. Spent too many years that way, and scared of blindly walking into that again. | |
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| single for too long??
Posted: 2/16/2008 11:05:19 AM | My 11th anniversary of being divorced passed a few days ago and with a couple of short lived exceptions i havent really had a relationship to speak of in that time frame. Ive had plenty of time to sit and ponder every possible reason im still single and i thought i was comfortable with the fact that i just hadnt met the right one yet. Im a little picky but i know what im looking for and ive always justified my decisions to date or not date someone on the premise that i didnt want to settle. Not only to be fair to me but fair to someone else that could potentially be hurt by trying to make something work that im pretty sure wont. That being said, my question is to any other long term single people. I am starting to wonder if ive been single for so long that i wouldnt know a good thing if it walked up and knocked my teeth out. Im starting to feel like (as i look back) that maybe im too quick to end something or never even let it start
Wow, Op I have thought the same thing-I have been pretty much single for 12 yrs. I try to evaluate myself also and wonder the same thing, do I jump to conclusions too quickly. But, the few times I went against my gut feeling, thinking I am not giving it a chance, I always kick myself for not just trusting myself when it becomes quite obvious I would not be compatible with someone.
As Starline states
I do want to say that my modern day fear has been, if I'm distracted with dating around, the right woman for me might pass me by. I guess I'm trying to stay available which obviously isn't doing me any good either... damn if I do and damned if I don't
I was never one to date around unless I thought I'd really be compatible or connect with someone. I was never into casual dating because as Starline states, if I am dating just for something to do, I may miss the opportunity of the perfect guy for me. So I sit and do things alone and seldom have any compnay-damned if you do, damned if you don't | |
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| single for too long??
Posted: 2/16/2008 12:52:50 PM | Why do we assume that everyone is supposed to pair up? Have we forgotten about things like convents and monestaries? How about hermits?
I'm introverted and very much a creature of routine. I need solitude and consistency. I'm also quite fond of my baggage, which consists of an adolescent child and a brilliant but disturbed mother, not to mention my own illness, which comes and goes on its own terms. I also have a lot of interests, all of which take up time, and that doesn't even include my job and my friends.
Where's the room in all this for a relationship? Well, frankly, there isn't any. This isn't to say that there's no room in my life for love, only that I can't imagine what I'd add to all of this, or how. Relationships are all fun and games and cuddling on Sunday mornings. There's a lot of work involved, too, a lot of compromise, and it's work and compromise I'm not interested in. I'm also not interested in adding any disruption to my kid's life. Daddy's already done the dating and new stepparent thing, and it wasn't pretty.
So why stress about it? | |
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| single for too long??
Posted: 2/18/2008 10:50:03 AM | All the woman on this thread are so attractive. Hard for me to believe you have all been single so long.
Perhaps you should consider dating someone younger. Also, from the the beginning perhaps you could make clear you are only interested in a long term relationship.
- Bob | |
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| single for too long??
Posted: 2/18/2008 11:47:12 AM | I haven't been single that long, to be honest. But I have met someone who has been single quite a few years.
He has told me he is cautious, and shyes away from pressure...and not to expect too much from him.
He met me and I would have been good for him (not looking to move him in or move in with him)...but he has already put up the barrier after just over a month.
I would like LTR and that's what he wanted too - but he isn't giving the vibes for that.
He could have done alot worst
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| single for too long??
Posted: 2/18/2008 12:27:00 PM | Gents, there are some very good posts on here.
O.P., you definitely are NOT alone in your feelings. Many of us have been single for several years. I myself have not had any real relationship of substance either, just a series of short-lived flings or trysts, or F.W.B.'s.........not that this was my choice, mind you, it is just that most women I have met aren't wanting anything serious or long-term. When women meet a man such as myself who wanted a committed relationship so badly, I was branded as being needy and clingy.
I'm no longer worried about the relationship thing anymore, maybe some of us are just meant to be single. Maybe I was........like you and so many others I have become so set in my ways and stubborn, and as time goes on the longer I am single the worse it gets. SO......I will date women whom are available for the temporary companionship on occasion, and will make sure that there are several to choose from, so that there will hopefully always be someone free at almost any given time who wants to hang out or do whatever, and it can be strictly platonic if that is all they want.........and then separately I will keep a "F.W.B." avail. to fulfill my needs on occasion and vice versa..........it has been several years since I have had sex with a woman who has actually loved me anyway........... Why change things now? | |
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| single for too long??
Posted: 2/18/2008 12:35:44 PM | Dear OP, this is really your question right?
<div class="quote"> I am starting to wonder if ive been single for so long that i wouldnt know a good thing if it walked up and knocked my teeth out. Well, then, given your level of emotional intelligence, as communicated in your posts thus far, and how sure you are of what you want, my money is on your knowing it in a big way! As for bitterness, are you kidding? You?!! None that I can see. Which reminds me, you're only 30-something, Handsome. You have PLENTY of time to find her. (Which, BTW, I agree will not happen by not trying!) I'd wish you the best of luck but I don't think you need it. Instead of "prayin 4 daylite", bask in it, my friend. (Sure seems like you're surrounded in it given your satisfying career, adorable kids and bevy of friends. ) | |
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| single for too long??
Posted: 2/18/2008 12:51:57 PM | Ladies and Guys, hello and Great day to all my friends and everyone at POF
Love all This great input to this Blog. Please check the CD I listed on my profile By R T Stevens. I have not accepted offers for sex or to sleep with several very sweet Ladies and later I think "what was I thinking". I just recently spent the weekend with a lady who is a great friend of mine , she divorced a couple years ago. It did not go past sleeping together and some very nice snuggling. A few days later she told me she did not want to take a chance of messing up our being friends. This made me wonder If she has a sub-conscious block to A great relationship. Then I had to Ask my self the same Question! Do I have a Sub-conscious block to a great relationship. No cancel and clear on that thought. I choose and claim my life of love, and life of love. Check out the RTS CD. Love and light To all my friends | |
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| single for too long??
Posted: 2/18/2008 1:20:47 PM | | First of all, what is too long? I think being single and not jumping from relationship to relationship has made me stronger plus has given me time to know what I want and don't want in life. Time to get my priorities straight so to speak. I'm not some woman that needs to be in relationship to be someone. I am someone single! | |
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| single for too long??
Posted: 2/18/2008 4:07:26 PM | I don't think there's such a thing as too long or too...well short I guess...haha.
What I do think is that if there's noone you've come to know that both desire a mutually compatible and satisfying relationships with...then you are wiser to keep on being single than being in a relationship just to BE in a relationship.
I've never felt the urge to "well let's just jump in and give it a whirl". I do know of those who do. Realistically, I know that all relationships involve risk...life involves risks. We chose the ones we take and the ones we don't.
I try to choose my risks wisely. Doesn't mean it always works, but it's not because there wasn't a greater chance that it would.
I don't measure my life as time in relationships and time not. Being single or single again isn't a curse or a sentence. It's a choice.
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