| Should I tell his wife?
Posted: 5/13/2008 1:16:59 AM | Ok this thread has been running for ages now, and i cant be bothered reading through all the posts again 
So.............what was the upshot??? Did you tell her or not???? | |
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| Should I tell his wife?
Posted: 5/13/2008 1:37:27 AM | I think this guy needs a broken knee.
Maybe we should form a batting party, without a baseball... | |
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| Should I tell his wife?
Posted: 5/13/2008 6:00:57 AM | | BUT YOU KNOW IN REALITY I WOULD WANT SOMEONE TO WARN ME IF MY BOYFRIEND OR HUSBAND WAS CHEATING. SHE PROBABLY NOT THE ONLY ONE HE HAS CHEATED WITH. SHE HAS THE RIGHT TO KNOW THAT HER HUSBAND IS A CHEATER. I DONT SEE IT AS TRYING TO RECK HER LIFE, BUT TRYING TO WARN HER HOW HER HUSBAND REALLY IS! | |
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| Should I tell his wife?
Posted: 5/13/2008 9:25:27 PM | | separated means someone is still married, and will usually go back several times, and any spouse will do anything to give anyone with the separated other as much misery as possible.. even if they don't want them any more.... you should just read "married" when you see the word "separated" | |
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| Should I tell his wife?
Posted: 5/14/2008 12:24:26 AM | | This is why I dont fool with separated people. Its hard; I mean is it your place? Is she this naive. I guess I would warn him maybe to get his butt of the site or you will but in reality its really none of your business. In reality you chose this guy so you shouldn't lay all the blame on him. 1/2 of it is yours. | |
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| Should I tell his wife?
Posted: 7/11/2008 9:42:39 AM | You have my sympathy, but have you ever been told you're too good for your own good? You are a pretty woman, and I can see from your expressions that you have a loving spirit. "He" sounds like a real pig, and you should count your blessings to be rid of him. Of course! he will try to make it your fault -- that's what warthogs do. He got a girlfriend (1) because he could (2) out of anger over some petty thing that his kind fumes about (3) because it's more fun than getting real with the wife.
You know what? I was distraught when my marriage failed but it took me about 2 weeks of grief and hearing my mother tell me over and over "You're lucky to be out of that mess" for me to realize I had suffered no real loss but gained my freedom - freedom to find someone who was more sincere about creating a good marriage -- and further to realize it was his loss all along. He refused to work w.me (criticized me for wanting more from him) and I stayed 6 months longer than I wanted to, just to make sure I had left no stone unturned and under the illusion that somehow I could discover the magic cure. There's no cure for the worthless sort. They're in it for what they get not to give anything. They think they rule the world.
It's like I told his next wife at church: "Better you than me, honey."
Once you come to terms with the truth - that it was never your fault, that he was a weazel & lower than pond scum, moreover that he's dumber than a box of rocks to mess up with you not to mention try to blame you but that you are better than that, better than him and probably too good for your own good.
Best of luck, sweetie.
Leah | |
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| Should I tell his wife?
Posted: 7/11/2008 10:48:01 AM | Sure, why not? But approach the wife calmly and with kindness, and don't mention anything vile that he might have said about her. She's already going to be hurt.
Call up, calm, nice, sweet as a Georgia peach, at a time where you're pretty sure he's not going to be around and say something like:
"Hi, this is [your name], is [dirtbag] there? When she says no, ask if you can leave a message. When she says yes, ask that she let him know you're not interested in seeing him anymore because you see his profile is still up on POF, and you're a little upset because you thought you and he were an "exclusive item."
If she asks what POF is, tell her. If she asks that you direct her to his profile, please do so. Then get off the phone. Tell her you have something burning on the stove.
Smile to yourself. Pat yourself on the back. Grab a glass of wine. Your good deed for the day, girlfriend, is done. | |
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| Should I tell his wife?
Posted: 7/11/2008 1:59:50 PM | | I don't know you guys. I have just ended a three month 'relationship' with a married man. He told me he was separated - as I am, and yes I am getting divorced, it's just not through yet. The signs were all there if I'm honest with myself but in hindsight, I chose to ignore them I guess. Aren't we all suckers for a charming, handsome man sometimes? I'm pretty new to this internet dating game and obviously pretty naive! When I first found out for sure, I was livid so I did a little digging and found he was on here and another two dating sites. I wanted to blow the lid on his seedy little existence. I wrote nasty letters to him and his wife, printed out his profiles, personal messages/e-mails between us etc and had every intention of sending them. Then I thought 'no, we're gonna do this face to face, I'll confront him first and see what happens'. My sending them depended on his reaction I suppose. He was away on business at the time - no he really was - I know for sure lol. I had time to calm down and think rationally. So, I confronted him next time I saw him, he admitted he was married and we talked. Maybe a crock of shit, maybe not. But I know I felt better about ending it in a more dignified fashion, and the fact that it was on my terms. I wouldn't have got any satisfaction out of telling his wife and it would have made me feel worse than I already do. It would have been easier if I hated him, but I don't. The other innocent parties in this were his kids. Who am I to potentially ruin his kids' lives? I didn't want that on my conscience - but he will have if he continues to screw around. So, I'll put this one down to experience and vow to be more careful in future....until the next charming, handsome man comes along......God I hope not!! | |
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| Should I tell his wife?
Posted: 7/11/2008 2:03:06 PM | | Yes, you should. It's not revenge, it's environmental improvement. | |
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| Should I tell his wife?
Posted: 7/11/2008 2:33:14 PM | Yes, and I would be interested in knowing what his name is on this site as I have been suspicious of a guy that I was writing to.
that is how a friend of mine found out her husband was cheating...the girl called her and told her. | |
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| Should I tell his wife?
Posted: 7/11/2008 2:58:14 PM | Yes - tell her. Definitely. I was in a similar situation and I told her and it ended months of mental torture as I acheived closure - a) because I knew he would NEVER get in touch with me with his lines again as I had probably caused him major trouble in his cosy life!! and b) I felt I was facing up to things, and giving the wife the full story to move on with her life. I felt perversely brave. Oh yes and the REVENGE bit works I'm ashamed to admit.
I still feel embarrassed if I tell some people but had I not done it I would have needed more than one month off with depression and 2 years on antidepressants!! | |
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| Should I tell his wife?
Posted: 7/11/2008 3:01:53 PM | | Yes yes yes tell his wife!!! Save her the grief of possibly spending another however long in the dark! I was in an almost nine year relationship and didn't find out till the SECOND time he cheated on me and was caught that there was more before that. It would have saved me a lot of time effort and trying to save an already failing relationship if I had known sooner. Not knowing and finding out later how bad it was has left me to this day bothered about the fact that I was sleeping with a man who was carelessly throwing it into others and then coming home to me. What would have happened if he had brought something home to me? Where would my children be if I was dying of AIDS now? Tell her, she has a right to know, it isn't about revenge....thats just the bonus, it is about saving someone from future humiliation and possible diseases. It is up to her to choose how she deals with it from there. JMO | |
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| Should I tell his wife?
Posted: 7/11/2008 3:29:48 PM | Quietly move on. In all due time he will be found out if the interested partys are listening. I would suggest you get some healing and possibly counceling.
Learn from this!
Best of luck! | |
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| Should I tell his wife?
Posted: 7/11/2008 3:33:29 PM | revenge is GOD's
Karma. let HIM handle the jerk.... I have to continually put my x in His hands. Daily for 9 years now. And it does bring peace. I think that in the end, no matter how much it dont seem like it...they WILL pay. | |
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| Should I tell his wife?
Posted: 7/11/2008 4:40:46 PM | You know everyone says "tell the wife" but when faced with this
situation, beleive me, you dont want to. You want to get out of
there as soon as possible- not only that but she knows. She does,
she really does.
I think she ignores it if she does not confront you first about it.
What could possibly telling her do? You think you are saving her?
Nine times out of ten she stays. She does not leave or kick him out
and he stays too- you are the odd man out. Just walk away. Believe
me they know thier marriage is fucked up and until it comes to
a head they are both going to play on each other, be suspicious of
each other and go home to each other. forget it.
Just walk away- your better off. Let them battle it out. | |
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| Should I tell his wife?
Posted: 7/11/2008 4:50:47 PM |
In reality you chose this guy so you shouldn't lay all the blame on him. 1/2 of it is yours.
Hold on bunky, *he* was lying; she wasn't. How does that make it 50/50?
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| Should I tell his wife?
Posted: 7/11/2008 4:59:33 PM | | Believe you me sweetie she probably already has that one figured out. | |
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| Should I tell his wife?
Posted: 7/11/2008 5:29:18 PM | You definitely should.
Dating is hard enough without all of these a$$hole married guys dating the women who are available. | |
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| Should I tell his wife?
Posted: 7/11/2008 5:39:42 PM | A quiz:
This is a multiple choice quiz - the answers are (a) married, or (b) single. choose one for the following:
What are you the day before you get married?
What are you the day before you have your final divorce decree in hand?
What are you the day after you have your final final divorce decree in hand??
I saw this somewhere but can't remember where it came from (forgive me for that), but the point is pretty clear.
[quote......turned out to be married - not separated like he said on his profile........ One thing I have learnt from this experience is that I will never trust the separated status ever again without firm evidence.
Well, this is why I have steadfastly held by my convictions never to date a married man.
Separated IS married!! No matter how you slice it, it crops up as such. Whether or not the couple is living under the same roof, whether or not they have had any contact in many years, whatever, no matter what the circumstances, they are still married.
we were planning a future together, the works.
How in the world can you plan a future together, when he is still married and not eligible to do as such?? Sure, you can give him the committment, but he damn sure can't give YOU one.
Next time, check the guy out before you fall for him. Hopefully, you think of yourself deserving to be with someone who is available to you versus someone who is not. | |
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| Should I tell his wife?
Posted: 7/11/2008 8:50:50 PM |
You know everyone says "tell the wife" but when faced with this
situation, beleive me, you dont want to. You want to get out of
there as soon as possible- not only that but she knows. She does,
she really does.
I think she ignores it if she does not confront you first about it.
What could possibly telling her do? You think you are saving her?
NO, she may not know. Believe me, if I had known, it would have saved me a lot of heartache, humiliation, pride, and money. I was with my husband for a very long time, and I did not think he was seeing another woman. I totally trusted him. He went places without me, and vice-versa. So it was easy for him to get by with it. So, she probably doesn't know. But I sure as hell wish someone had told me. I'm speaking from experience, are you? | |
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| Should I tell his wife?
Posted: 7/11/2008 9:05:12 PM | My thought on this issue would be.......if you were this guys wife wouldn't you want to know your husband was having an affair???
I myself received a call from a women telling me my ex was with her husband...
If not for that phone call, lord knows how long it would have lasted.
With all the STD's out there these days......one can get themselves into some real problems with the wrong person....So do tell, but not out of vengeance. | |
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| Should I tell his wife?
Posted: 7/12/2008 6:56:30 AM | I had a similar experience, although I only had lunch with the man, and because he admitted to lying about his age on his profile (as if I couldn't tell by looking at him), I had the immediate thought that I couldn't date this man because I'd never be able to trust him. We finished our lunch and he called me that afternoon at work to tell me he wanted to see me again. I certainly didn't want to have that discussion with him at work, so I told him I'd have to talk to him later. He tried one more time to chat with me online and I declined his request.
He had told me he was separated....that everything was done but he was waiting for a court date when the judge would sign the final declaration. About 2 months later I got a call from his wife, asking to speak with Julie, which is my sister's name. Mine also starts with a J. I told her there was no Julie here, that she must have the wrong number. She called back about 6 hours later.....said she must have gotten the name wrong, but that I knew her husband. APPARENTLY, my name was in his cell phone as simply "J". He told her when questioned that my name was Julie and that it was nothing....we were just friends. Turns out that the ONLY thing that was the truth was that his name was Brad. He didn't even give me his real last name. They WERE living apart, but nothing had been filed. She said they were still working things out. I told her everything I knew, including his alias, screen name and the dummy email addy he was sending mail from. She seemed like a really nice person, and I felt bad for her.
BUT.....when I told her about the lies he had told me, she was not at all surprised. Sounds like he had for a long time made a habit of lying about MANY things.
I'm not sure I would actively seek out the wife. I realize your situation is somewhat different, as you had a longer term relationship with this man. However....I sure wasn't going to lie for him!!
He's since moved on to POF from the site where I met him. Still lying about his age (although not shaving QUITE as many years off as he was), and I believe still lists his status as separated. | |
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| Should I tell his wife?
Posted: 7/12/2008 2:30:11 PM | Im really sorry for what happened, but unfortunately I had the exact same thing happen to me, after seeing him for six weeks i found out the same thing he was married . All my friends and everyone was shocked, as I was, but I have to tell you that What I did was I DID confront his wife, but she was not the least bit surprised.
We deal with the heartache they keep moving on and keep doing the same thing over and over. No conceince whatsoever.
My question is, will this man on this site be kicked off the site? | |
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| Should I tell his wife?
Posted: 7/13/2008 8:00:36 AM | ^^^^^^^^^^^
I thought about reporting him....even started filling out the form. Then it gets to the part about not reporting someone you have a sillly dispute with, and I can't decide if reporting him for lying about his age is a "silly dispute". He does still list himself as "separated", but for all I know that may be the case by now. | |
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