Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Caring for our parents......      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 JJ IS BACK
Joined: 12/8/2008
Msg: 101
Caring for our parents......Page 5 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Update.. ( even I cant believe it)

Woke to a call from my sister, telling me that she is bringing dad to ER.
His leg is 3x the size and black.... ( Im fearing a blood clot which he is prone to, and JUST told us he fell last week while lifting mom out of wheel chair).

It doesnt end.......
 kbodley
Joined: 11/26/2008
Msg: 102
view profile
History
Caring for our parents......
Posted: 1/31/2009 8:26:10 AM
Janice, I have been catching up on posts this morning, and am sending my condolences your way!

I have three suggestions to send your way;

-- It seems that in every family there is one person who is the one that always steps up to the plate and carries the lion's share of the load. This is often because no one else thinks to offer, and the heavy hitter just doesn't want to ask! If you are the heavy hitter, ask! If you are not the heavy hitter, don't ask what you can do - look around - figure out three or four things that you could do and then offer to do those things!

-- If you are the heavy hitter in your family (which it sound like you are), allow yourself time to nurse your own wounds! Ask your family, friends, and co-workers to give you opportunities to rest and grieve. My cousin, who lost both parents and her oldest sister in one year, shared that her best friend came to her office every Wednesday at the end of the day and they went for pedicures at a spa that offered wine and cheese with the pedicures! She said that for the first three weeks she fell asleep in the pedicure chair - but it was the only hour of the entire week that she was completely relaxed! What a good friend!

-- Allow your father time to heal and time to grieve, but once the initial healing and grief period is over, for a few months, schedule family and friends so that he has something to look forward to every day. After my aunt passed away, my uncle was talking to my mom and he said, "The kids all come for Sunday dinner each week, but Monday through Saturday is really lonely." For most men, their wives are their "social secretaries" - my uncle, who was always the life of the party, just didn't know how to go about extending and accepting invitations!

Bless you Janice! You are a good daughter! You are an amazing woman! You are a worthwhile person! You have a wonderful outlook on life! (By the way, these are the affirmations you should be telling yourself every morning! )
 kellygrl51
Joined: 9/21/2008
Msg: 103
Caring for our parents......
Posted: 1/31/2009 9:23:51 AM
My parents lived in an independent facility. My mom loved it, but my dad hated it. My mom passed away a year ago and my dad has come to live with me. I pray I never have to put him in a nursing home. He is 82 and gets around fairly well. I do the best I can, but some days its really hard.
 janice_is_jj
Joined: 2/23/2011
Msg: 104
Caring for our parents......
Posted: 3/9/2011 8:12:59 AM
Hello everyone.. it's been a while since I have been here, and wanted to stop in and check on everyone see how you all are doing.

My dad just turned 84, aside from some balance issues so far so good. He still refuses to move closer to me, but thank God he has a wonderful supportive neighbors that really go above and beyond to help him out.

Please share your stories and get this thread going again and join forced to be help to others who have elderly parents...

xoxo Janice
 foffeefifo
Joined: 11/1/2010
Msg: 105
Caring for our parents......
Posted: 3/9/2011 4:25:46 PM
Janice it's not just parents we sometimes have to care for, in my past I uprooted my life to care for someone everyone had abandoned and 20 years later, right now, I've went and done the same thing, leaving a wonderful circle of friends, family to care for a dying brother who was the black sheep in the family and everyone turned their backs on.

Probably makes me the sucker of the month and just a martyr, been accused alot of that lately and I just refuse to accept these blanket assumptions I'm a willing doormat. Every human being has the right and dignity to face death with another person at their side... no judgement should be made if they are worth it. No judgement should be made upon me that I am addicted to drama and love being the center of a sob story. Makes me ill. Why can't I just have a good heart?

having started my life over here as he approaches death, I'm also kinda appalled a few people I started emailing/phone call friendships just disappeared off the radar when I disclosed I was really lonely, friendless and isolated. ( I live out in the backwater boondocks, truly very isolated area, closest decent hospital is 65 miles away, one strip mall shopping center for 65 miles too, lol). At Christmas time, I emailed everyone I had met here, wishing them happy holidays and one guy did admit that he found my loneliness and isolation a huge red flag and that was why he stopped writing to me. It's really hard starting your life over again at my age, I am caring for another so don't get into social situations, can't meet people at work, not into organized religion to visit the 600 churches around every corner. People really think something is wrong with you because you are all alone!!!!!!
 janice_is_jj
Joined: 2/23/2011
Msg: 106
Caring for our parents......
Posted: 3/10/2011 9:50:40 AM
You're situation doesnnt make you a sucker.. it just makes it unfortunate considering where you live because of your choices.

However this thread was really to help those with ageing parents and the burdens and heartache that comes with that. Not so much of what most of your post discusses... your lonliness and abandonment. I wish you luck and your brother peace.
 ShellLadySD
Joined: 3/11/2008
Msg: 107
Caring for our parents......
Posted: 3/10/2011 2:08:44 PM
Janice, thank you for restarting this thread. I think the point of it is entirely valid on POF. I make it clear in my profile I'm a caregiver for my mom and probably because of that, two of the four latest men who've contacted me are parental caregivers as well. It is an issue that isn't going away.

^^^foffee- you're sharing many of the same issues we do. I think isolation is a giant issue for anyone who cares for a terminal patient. It sounds like you've made a decision based on what you need(ed) to do to live with yourself and I hope you can find friends who are supportive and encouraging.

A friend's father died at the end of 2010 and I've been wrestling with the envy I feel that his father went peacefully and that my friend can now resume his life even though it's a slow reconstitution. Envy's an awkward and embarrassing emotion here. Like so much of the truth of caregiving, the best thing I can do is offer myself grace to be dreadfully human, if inhumane.

rene
 janice_is_jj
Joined: 2/23/2011
Msg: 108
Caring for our parents......
Posted: 3/10/2011 2:49:16 PM
Hi Shelly at the time I started this thread , as you can read i was in great dispare. I agree this type of venting board is very important, because we are the ones who can empathize with our peers who are going through this... coupled with the fact that we are the "tween" generation where we have to take care of both our parents and our children.....

What I wanna know at this point is.. lol who the heck is gonna take care of us.. because i see a lot of selfishness out there amoung our young... sighhhhh


J
 foffeefifo
Joined: 11/1/2010
Msg: 109
Caring for our parents......
Posted: 3/10/2011 3:03:17 PM
rene thanks so much for understanding----kindness and acceptance from many nice people here has been so helpful, it truly is much appreciated and does alleviate some of the overwhelmingness of all of this. Yes,, and do be very gentle on yourself, you do deserve it.

i'd like to add i encourage anyone in this situation even if it isn't necessarily with parents, to seek help from hospice, being a caregiver for anyone is challenging and filled with mine fields they can help defuse for you.
 ShellLadySD
Joined: 3/11/2008
Msg: 110
Caring for our parents......
Posted: 3/11/2011 8:53:07 AM
foffee-- LOVE your profile!
Sorry to post in this thread. Couldn't pm because of your restrictions.
 bugse
Joined: 8/23/2008
Msg: 111
view profile
History
Caring for our parents......
Posted: 3/25/2011 11:08:30 PM
My mom still lives in her home since dad died two years ago and I am her sole driver/gofor of her 4 children. She has been having a hard time of it, we got her the tiny dog with the big bark that she wanted, re-did the electronic security, found her financial support. We have helpers in for a few hours several times a week.
I guess, bottom line, I am just so tired all the time. Exhausted. I don't mix the dating with the caring for mom so that isn't too much of an issue. but I do work fulltime and have a few interests that eat up some of my time as well.
I am often too tired to think even and I remember that is how my cousin felt when she went through this. Her mom didn't last long after her SO died. She just waited in the retirement home to die. I want my mom to have a full live.
Mom won't consider cohabitating but it is not clear that would buy anything anyway. My sister is moving back to the mainland (when?) so she will probably pick up some of this. My brothers are not helpful. They are still too needy.
Mom seems to think that a retirement home would resolve some of her issues, she is experiencing a lot of pain in the legs since she fell over the tiny dog and still complains of fuzziheadedness from the loss of dad. I don't see it working for anyone. She tried out one retirement home and seemed to have more company. But it was waiting around company, not playing cards or anything that she has in her home...
And no matter where she is, we have to keep plugging at determining what is causing the pain and resolve it. Her going to a retirement home would just add to the issues, adding financial strain.
well, that's my story right now.
 RubyWaxxx
Joined: 10/23/2010
Msg: 112
Caring for our parents......
Posted: 3/26/2011 3:09:45 AM
^^You poor thing and your poor mum.
Do you have any help from your council in terms of home help? Can you get respite from care-giving? You'll need help if she plans to stay at home. I think a retirement village is a great idea, but I know how expensive a good one can be. Still, she could sell the house, maybe? Otherwise, home help - looks like it's going to cost one way or another.
Re the "fuzziness" - this can be a sign of depression.
 bugse
Joined: 8/23/2008
Msg: 113
view profile
History
Caring for our parents......
Posted: 3/26/2011 5:17:30 PM
Thank you. We do have some challenges to overcome but that's life.

I oppose the retirement home, but it's not my choice. She just doesn't have the medical need to go into a home. I could understand if she wanted to move into a nice hotel or a smaller living space. But it is her choice. I worry that if she goes into a retirement home, then her joy in life will be further reduced, and it is pretty low right now as it is.

The people who come in to help her 4 times a week, are not permitted to do housework. They are there, it seems, to ensure that someone is there to call for help if she gets hurt doing a risky task, like taking a bath.....mom doesn't see the value in that. She feels like she is babysitting them.

I think she feels her home is too big for her to keep up, as well.
Yes, there is a lot of depression. She has a lot of pain and loss.
 AlienHumanHybrid
Joined: 10/31/2014
Msg: 114
view profile
History
Caring for our parents......
Posted: 11/22/2014 1:00:31 PM
Old thread, but thought I'd add.......

We may perceive that a difficult situation is bad for a person -such as when an elderly husband wants to care for his wife as much as possible -but it may be what drives them on, gives them strength (even physical stregth through exercise), purpose and peace of mind. If one were to leave everything to strangers, they might feel guilt, worthlessness, and sit around idle worrying about how their loved one is being treated.

They lived how they wanted to live -and would likely do it exactly the same way again.

I have looked after relatives who were fiercely independent -and saw that it was actually of great benefit -even if some aspects of their lives were not ideal.

Independence and the comfort of the life people build is very important. Even if another situation is better in many ways, it doesn't mean it will translate to happiness or better health.

At some point they will need assistance, and independence can become unhealthy or dangerous. This can lead to a struggle with them for their own good -which should be avoided unless absolutely necessary.

One can feel guilty if they respect their loved one's independence -or can't supersede it- and something bad happens.
Then they can feel guilty for becoming exhausted or seeing to their own needs.
All one can do is their best -we owe our parents care and honor simply because they are our parents, but burning ourselves out or ruining our lives in the process doesn't help anyone.

I don't think anyone does it perfectly -or that it is even possible -and it's not wrong to consider your own situation.

There are forums for caregivers to discuss things, find comfort and exchange information about resources which are very helpful.
Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Caring for our parents......