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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Why are most men looking for "Friends with Benefits"?      Home login  
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 zangie
Joined: 5/30/2007
Msg: 76
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They are looking for that because enough women are willing to agree to it, that they've gotten used to getting no-strings sex.


BINGO!

When women starting go along with this "idea', "practice", what did they think would happen?..Many men would go for it, it's part of their nature. As far as I'm concerned, the women who agree to these arrangments, haven't done women as a whole any favors..


In other words, she is now free to take or do what she wants without social judgment. And what is wrong with that?


IMHO: The social judgement is still there, read most of these posts...some are more progressive, but many are not . Many men who say these things are rationalizing so the system will work for them. It isn't about being a commodity, it's about caring about me as a person, not a device or vehicle. And I'm not talking about buying things either.
 AceOfSpace
Joined: 5/28/2007
Msg: 77
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/4/2007 10:26:47 AM
Well, let's see. When my divorce is final it will be the second time that I've had to start over from basically zero.

At least this time I don't feel ripped off by it. What I got from my STBE in terms of positive personal growth and enough emotional support to risk pursuing my fondest hopes made it worth it. It's really too bad she didn't want to come along with me, but that's not her path. I might not get my dream, but I have to try. At least I'm leaving her in a position where she can get hers.

Our generation lost some valuable things when we threw aside the old dating protocol. I don't think we've come up with a replacement that works very well. What men want is _something_ that will allow us to get our needs for physical touch and sexual gratification met without having to put our futures and fortunes on the line in the first month.

Rather than asking why men are like this and women are like that, it might be more productive to look at it in terms of the actual desires and fears involved, so that we can come up with a new dating protocol that actually works for us.

Wouldn't _that_ be a mature way to approach a puzzling issue like this? LOL!!!!

Personally, I like making out. A lot. Way fun. So less risky! It gets those cravings satisfied for the most part and no one ends up feeling ripped off.

I highly recommend it!
 Nu2Florida
Joined: 7/10/2007
Msg: 78
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/4/2007 10:46:58 AM
Deny it all you want, but either way, there is STILL a price to be paid. Emotions, and money, still come into play.

And (again speaking about we women), do any of the women here who have agreed to such a thing honestly think they are respected for what they do? Do the men they are with really care about their well-being? I've heard them talk about such women, behind their backs, and what they have to say is not pretty. You had better believe that, when you are with them, giving up the goods, they are going to say the things you want to hear. It's a means to an end, as far as I am concerned.

And I also agree, these women aren't doing we "nice girls" any favors. I have proof of it in my email box, and those late night IMs tell me such. Someone has sent a message to all of the men out there, "It is okay to f*@k me". I certainly can't call it making love.

Hey! I'm no saint. I've been around the block once or twice, but I ALWAYS, in the back of my mind, wanted everlasting love with one man only. I realize, I am only one person, with one opinion.
 karin21201
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 79
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/4/2007 11:42:38 AM
I have not found this to be true.
 prolibertate
Joined: 9/11/2005
Msg: 80
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Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/4/2007 11:58:33 AM
Msg 22...when one looks at the literal meanings of words, the term 'emotionally shallow' does appear to fit the FWB scenario, IMO. As far as morality goes, while those who engage in FWB relationships may be fine with it, it's essentially casual sex which isn't seen as very moral by many...and as most FWB relationships end badly - due to miscommunication, emotions becoming involved (which proves that many can't deal with a casual sexual relationship), etc. - it's hard to see how they could actually be a good thing for *both* parties involved, even if both agreed to it. Whle I dont' care what anyone does as long as no one gets hurt, I do know that a FWB relationship isn't something that interests me at all...but I do wonder how many people agree to one believing they can eventually 'convince' the other person to become their actual partner.

Emotional:
of or relating to emotion
dominated by or prone to emotion
appealing to or arousing emotion
markedly aroused or agitated in feeling or sensibilities

Shallow:
having little depth
having little extension inward or backward
penetrating only the easily or quickly perceived b : lacking in depth of knowledge, thought, or feeling

Depth:
the degree of intensity ; also : the quality of being profound (as in insight) or full (as of knowledge); a profound or intense state (as of thought or feeling)

Morality:
a moral discourse, statement, or lesson b : a literary or other imaginative work teaching a moral lesson
a doctrine or system of moral conduct b plural : particular moral principles or rules of conduct
conformity to ideals of right human conduct
moral conduct : VIRTUE

Moral:
of or relating to principles of right and wrong in behavior : ETHICAL
expressing or teaching a conception of right behavior
conforming to a standard of right behavior
sanctioned by or operative on one's conscience or ethical judgment
capable of right and wrong action
 kindapicky
Joined: 8/28/2005
Msg: 81
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Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/4/2007 12:14:14 PM
I do have many female friends, but no FWB. I think this could jeopardize our friendship and a little sex would not be worth that. Far to many men and women have a casual attitude about sex now days.
But as far as the desire for sex it is still there. But I am a christian, try not to live a "double standard" life, so sex is pretty much out of the question until we become a committed couple.
Besides, way too much diseases out there, so until a commitment can be made with trust, my pants are staying on.
 word nurd
Joined: 8/30/2007
Msg: 82
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Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/4/2007 12:26:57 PM
I have a great job. It pays well, but there are no benefits. So, if I could find a friend that had some, and I could somehow get added, I'm all over it.

Oh, sorry. Wrong kind of bennies...
 Nu2Florida
Joined: 7/10/2007
Msg: 83
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/4/2007 12:29:07 PM

I have not found this to be true.


You have not found WHAT to be true? Could you please elaborate?

prolibertate.

Some call it "emotionally shallow". I call it "emotionally unavailable". Same thing, either way you look at it.

I hear all of these people talking about the necessiity of satisfying their sexual "needs". Whatever happened to willpower? Or toys? There are more respectful ways to have our needs met. If they are so intent on only the sexual aspect of things, why do they need another person to be involved in the act? I think they are also looking for a deeper mental connect.

I, personally, don't have a desire to have a scheduled affair. I want spontaneity. Someone who will be there every day of the week, not just on Friday night. I don't mean necessarily physically there either. If I decide to be with a man, I want to know that, even if he is away from me, he is thinking of me...and only me. I want to know I am his love. Maybe that sounds possessive. I don't know, but that's just the way I am.
 sexyfunguy
Joined: 4/9/2005
Msg: 84
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/4/2007 1:09:08 PM
There's no harm in it - so I don't think its a problem. What is a problem is when one of the two people going into it have no idea what they want, have unrealistic expectations, or plan on using sex as a lure to trap the other person.....
 HappyGilmore2
Joined: 4/30/2007
Msg: 85
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/4/2007 1:22:34 PM

Apparently this needs explaining since you must have missed the word SAME security.

First of all, you did not mention SAME. You used the words "dating down" which can be interpreted as either "same" or" up". Putting semantics aside, you still don't understand my point. You view your sexuality as conditional. Conditional upon receiving something in return; ae a relationship of equal or higher value. I also get the distinct feeling that your main objection to the FWB concept is coming from a self serving perspective. You bargaining chip (your sexuality) is loosing its value due primarily to females who you proclaim "give it away expecting nothing in return". This is not about them, it is about you and how you find it increasingly difficult to sell the value of your sexuality and use it as a bargaining tool to obtain your objective. To that end, you can say what you want but your underlying concern is really becoming transparent at this time.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 86
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Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/4/2007 1:29:57 PM
Mesg 82
Oh now that's FUNNY.
Haven't read the entire thread. I suspect that there are a lot of factors creating the FWB trend. I wish I could get FWB to work for me, relationships are a hell of a lot of WORK( hmm, could that be what's behind the FWB trend? Laziness? Maybe a little bit of fear?) But that's beside the point. I will not sit in judgement of those who seek, or accept them. It's possible that it's a lot about quick and easy gratification. Instead of sex being about pleasing the one you love( and reaping the benefits thereof) it becomes about pleasing oneself simply with the physical mechanics of sex. Obviously this is better and safer when done with a friend. Having sex with strangers, or near-strangers, is usually nothing but a prelude to disaster...
Cindy O
 Jody1960
Joined: 1/6/2007
Msg: 87
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/4/2007 1:35:40 PM
Amen.....If you don't want it don't do it. For me I don't have time for the love thing & still have needs. FWBs still do dinner & other things , itjust cuts down on the drama & bs.
 Just JJ
Joined: 2/20/2007
Msg: 88
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/4/2007 1:47:51 PM
Ahaha conditional????? What in Gods name is conditional and what would I possibly be getting from a FWB that I can't get from a REAL LTR???

Trust me .. my sexuality isnt loosing any value as you claim because I choose to wait for the real LTR and not sleep with a friend. My friends are my FRIENDS we laugh, we cry, we dance, we eat go to movies, go on vacations ... I dont need to have sex with them to prove that my sexuality still has value! lol wt is that anyway !! lol

I have read and reread your post several times and Im sorry to say it makes no sense..... conditions, values, bargaining chips, selling sexuality.

Again I ask you what does the sale of sex have anything to do with FWB?
 HappyGilmore2
Joined: 4/30/2007
Msg: 89
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/4/2007 1:50:35 PM

If you don't want it don't do it. For me I don't have time for the love thing & still have needs. FWBs still do dinner & other things , itjust cuts down on the drama & bs.

Amen to that as it is truly unconditional!! But be aware Jody1960, you are about to face the wrath and moral preachings from other females on this thread for making this remark. After all, you are their enemy #1.
 zangie
Joined: 5/30/2007
Msg: 90
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Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/4/2007 2:59:16 PM
Amen to that as it is truly unconditional!! But be aware Jody1960, you are about to face the wrath and moral preachings from other females on this thread for making this remark. After all, you are their enemy #1.


That's a bunch of baloney....she, and no other woman is my enemy. My opinions are my opinions. I'm not making a judgment. I'm stating my belief. Morals are pretty liquid these days, depending on your outlook and upbringing. I can say I think it's a bad idea, without calling the person bad. My PERSONAL opinion is: satisfying needs for the sake of the need is selfish and short sighted. And it's only unconditional from emotional issues. Even if true unconditionality ( ?) is even possible with human behavior. There are always conditions, conscious or not for our behavior. Just like there is no such thing as "true" unconditional love, there can be no such thing as "unconditonal" sex. One condition could be you are exclusive sexually, even if it is only a sexual relationship. Another could be, you "promise" not to get emotionally involved. Still conditions. I could think of others.

And per the previous remark about a woman's "value" being compromised by women who choose to have sex for the sake of sex....since we aren't interested in men who are looking for same, our value hasn't gone down. There are still plenty of men who feel as we do.
 mr. dynomite
Joined: 9/11/2007
Msg: 91
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/4/2007 3:12:10 PM
You'd think 'rape' (no consent) would be worse than FWB (both consenting)

good lord.

Not looking for an 'amen' for playing devils advocate.
 Jessica2000
Joined: 10/12/2006
Msg: 92
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Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/4/2007 3:36:26 PM
I joined this site and another one about a month after breaking up a long term relationship, over a year ago. I actually met one guy thru the other site, and am still seeing him - one of those honest "looking for a good time" kind of guys. I cancelled my membership at the other site, and just never got around to cancelling this one and come on from time to time when I get an email saying someone sent me a message.

First, I would like to agree with some of the posters that the majority of responses I have gotten have been from either married men or men in commited relationships, looking for a little something on the side. I firmly believe that if a man is NOT in a commited relationship, then he is looking for one, while he sleeps with as many women as possible - not all men, but quite a few. Men really don't want to be alone any more than women do. We are ALL looking, even when we say we aren't, we still size up every encounter for potential long term qualities.

So when a man gives you the "FWB" bull, it is probably because he does not see you as long term material. Personally, I have no interest in sex with someone I couldn't see myself in a relationship with. 99% of the time it isn't worth the trouble of getting undressed, so really, why bother? But, men are different (yes, I am generalizing, I know you ALL aren't!) and I am not sure why...sometimes I think that maybe the male orgasm feels much much much better than the female orgasm, and maybe that is the reason for the more "driven" sexual urges. Who knows???

Anyway, as much as I never would have believed it, you CAN meet someone this way, I have found a good friend in the "sex maniac" I took a chance on, and wouldn't trade him for the world! And it did start off as a casual relationship.
 stoney1
Joined: 4/29/2007
Msg: 93
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/4/2007 3:56:54 PM
Post #2 is right on.

Well, except it's not always about, till something better comes along.
 blueyesrsmiling
Joined: 5/31/2007
Msg: 94
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/4/2007 4:00:48 PM
As long as there is two consenting adults I see no problem with it. Myself I wouldn't do it,,,,,,,,Sigh I want more than that,,,,,,,,Life is different now days with almost anything goes,,,,,,,People have been doing the same for ages they just didn't advertise it. Now everything is open. I myself wouldn't do it not that I haven't thought about it. But I had to look to see if would satisfy me emotionally, spiritually, and would make me feel wonderful about myself. For myself it wouldn't but for others who knows. Its not my place to judge others. I have had only one person ask me to be their FWB. Most of the Men that I have dated have been a bit more like myself. I think thats probably why I don't have a problem with anyone asking. Its easy just to say No if your offended or not answer at all. Or answer if that's what your looking for. ...........Smiles Sherrie
 Paladin_Darkwolf
Joined: 3/1/2007
Msg: 95
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Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/4/2007 4:02:34 PM
Friends with benefits...

I had one of those (actually, I still have the friend, just that distance now stops the benefits part) that lasted over 9 years. The underlying friendship (and yes, it was a REAL friendship) outlasted my one marriage and several of hers.

For me, friends with benefits is a real friendship (and you do friend things) where you have enough sexual chemistry to do it with each other... or at least in my case with her, she and I were too afraid to actually try a relationship with each other.

So, I do treat my friends as real friends, sex involved or not. The problem is that folks mistake the concept of friends with benefits for the concept known as the bootycall. The bootycall has no attachment... a FWB still has the friendship attachment.
 joyblue
Joined: 1/24/2007
Msg: 96
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/4/2007 4:05:30 PM
Because My dear most men on the internet dating sites are a waste of time they are lacking in even average social skills or are the walking wounded.Another possibility they are looking for an easy mark maybe to pay their bills or the kind of men that will never be faithfull so hence already have a girlfriend or wife good luck in finding any attractive men with anything going for them and if you do expect a , lot of competition.
 finandfine
Joined: 9/1/2007
Msg: 97
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Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/4/2007 10:16:46 PM
I see most on here see there's no harm in Friends with Benefits - Well I for one do, if it’s a new friend online or not, in 9 out of 10 some one will start to get feelings for the other, it’s inevitable and that someone will get hurt, if not total crushed.. In my very much younger years, I tried it a few times or more, so I know 1st hand. The bigger problem is if the other person doesn’t give a dam one way or the other, so I ask was it real friend? USE A SERVICE. And yes at one time or another I had a real true friend that ether one of us could turn to, to fill our needs or anything.

We were for many years great friends and still are to this day, the sex part never was a problem for ether one of us as we were just there for one another.. If one of us got involved in a relationship we still remand great friends, with out the sex.. There were never any hard feelings only happy for the other… Today she is happily married and we remained good friends minus the sex. dam

I am not looking for Friends with Benefits.. On the other side of the coin if two people going into it have no idea what they want, witch I think is ok, could have realistic expectations, some one will most likely get heart, no more then a new relationship, no two ways about it.

Having sex with strangers, or near-strangers, is usually nothing but a disaster in the making. Besides, way too much diseases out there, so until some kind of commitment can be made with one person and trust, my pants are staying on (I think), start off as a casual relationship for say.

My profile says friends, deep down I know what I want and need.
What I would like though, is to be in agreement that we are both hoping for the possibility of something more lasting.

At this time I have only been separated from my wife of 8 years that was total one sided in the love an affection, needs an communication department as I was told and believe she lacked in her sexuality.. So I need to find some special person SOON!! Hhaa. Or I may have to reconsider this, find Friends with Benefits thing, and really hope no one would get hurt. So not me..

As it stands for me I don’t really know what I really what…///??

Off topic for one second:::: What burns me up on these forums is reading all those dam letter that mean noting to a good part of people on here., like FWB and what ever those others are,, then you read there profile and she wants someone that can at lest spell, as part of who she is looking for.. I can’t spell for beans, who really care, REALLY, we all have some not so good points. I your saying this stop using these letters that mean sh***t. Spell it. Well that’s another topic in it’s self.

Back to topic
Ya if that made any sense A
Ar
 sohard4u
Joined: 7/27/2007
Msg: 98
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/4/2007 11:17:37 PM
well speaking from a guys point of view I can see why this is. dating is boring and expensive and you also need allot of patients. and getting to know someone takes all the excitement out of it. for me sex is better when I don't know everything about you it's allot of fun to see a woman orgasm off of one of your favorite sexual positions but this can become routine and very dull like reading yesterdays news paper you already know what happened and you can surely predict your partners reaction Relationships become more of a drag then there worth. Take a look at older couples they look bored to death,no smiles, no excitement they look like they are waiting to die. divorce rate is higher then ever. I can go on and on for days and tell you why I and most men prefer this method but I hope this helps if you need more info please write me. good luck!
 Smart-Blonde
Joined: 2/26/2007
Msg: 99
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/4/2007 11:54:15 PM
Oh, I could come up with many ideas as to why a person does it.

1. They get what they want without having to put the effort of a relationship into it.

2. That way they don't have to let the other person know their true selves. They only have to show their good side.

3. They have fear of intimacy and emotions.

4. They fear commitment.

5. They can have their FWB and still look and have others.

I do feel more men do it and can do it, because it is easier for a man to separate the emotions from needs. Most women are too emotional and will eventually develop feelings or want more later down the road. That is why I don't think it lasts for a long period of time.
 TruLovr
Joined: 9/24/2007
Msg: 100
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/4/2007 11:58:58 PM
Just like the ladies.We get tired of getting hurt as well.At least not physically cause it's to big!!! LoL
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