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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Why are most men looking for "Friends with Benefits"?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Chancelore
Joined: 10/1/2008
Msg: 1126
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?Page 46 of 50    (10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50)

a woman's future is more determined by her own brain and/or brawn, not her sexual and reproductive value, you may see more nontraditional sexual/romantic partnerships evolving. I don't see marriage ever becoming irrelevant, but I do think the 20th century model ( male breadwinner, female homemaker) will be more of a rarity.

I see women effectively putting themselves out of the market.
Women are giving away for free what they used to put a value to.
I think it's like a comparison it to the music industry.

Twenty to thirty years ago, everyone looked forward to a record album coming out. We spent the money on LP's with nice artwork , extras, custom coloured vinyl, liner notes, and good music which we kept, played over and over and we took care of. We valued our records. We were proud of them.
Rarely, we'd get one that had a scratch that might damage our needle. We didnt share them or let others play them.
Along comes CD's. Almost as good a sound, cheaper packaging and less addons like liner notes, custom colours.
Well, we embraced them because we didn't have to spend so much time cleaning them, they're less maintenance. They occupied less space in our lives. They meant less to us.
Some people stayed with traditional vinyl. Most of the others called them old fashioned and we made fun of them for not keeping up with the times. Some people shared them, but sometimes they came back damaged.
Now we have Mp3's. They don't sound as good as records, or CD's. But they're convenient. They're cheap often free and easy to acquire. If it gets lost, you just download a new one. But there are so many, you don't worry anymore. You play them a few times and along comes something new and you forget the old ones easily.
You have no maintenance, they go everywhere with no thought behind it. You can trade them with friends and strangers... However, now with the freedom of mp3's we run a risk of getting viruses along with that Mp3.
Now for most people, there's no value to whatthey have, they got them for free, so they don't care if they lose it. There's always going to be another one to check out. There's still a few out there that still value the vinyl, which are now worth a lot more than ever before.

Women are doing the same thing to themselves, making themselves into disposables.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 1127
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Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 11/6/2008 11:14:50 AM

see women effectively putting themselves out of the market.
Women are giving away for free what they used to put a value to.

Ah, but that statement posits that women don't ( or aren't entitled to?) enjoy sex because it feels good( keep in mind I am talking about RESPONSIBLE sexual behavior!) but must keep it back because it's a marketing tool? But yet it's OK for men to go out and have sex willy nilly and no one expresses concern about them "effectively putting themselves out of the market"?
Is this a double standard, or is this a DOUBLE STANDARD!?

Let me make one thing clear...I don't give it away for free. If I don't enjoy the man's presence in my life as either a genuine friend and/or serious relationship candidate, if I don't enjoy physical affection with him, I won't be having sex with him. I'm looking to find a man that I want in my life,preferably in a committed LTR, not a man so hard up I can lead him to committment by his d*ck.
Cindy O
 FriendlyFreeSpirit
Joined: 8/24/2008
Msg: 1128
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 11/6/2008 11:51:26 AM
I give it away for free but with certain expectations (read Cindy's post above).
You see, I'm one of those women who believe in equal rights, so I choose my sexual partners as much as they choose me. I pick great guys!
 wildcat99
Joined: 8/28/2007
Msg: 1129
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Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 11/6/2008 12:54:41 PM

I see women effectively putting themselves out of the market.

Geez....if I'd just known about this so-called market and that I could just sell myself, my body and my soul to the highest bidder.....oh wait....oh.... you mean the marriage market? Oh, that market! Well, I decided a long time ago that if it meant I was degrading myself to the point where my body was not my own and only valued as a marketing tool or a bartering tool to secure a hubby well then you could just count me out.


Women are giving away for free what they used to put a value to.

I know! Isn't it awful? How dare those damn women actually get a clue and take control of their own lives and sexuality and actually start to make their own decisions based on equality and not ownership. How dare they look around and say No to the double standard created by men? How dare they decide that sex was something beautiful to be shared between 2 consenting adults and not something to be "given" as some kind of payment or reward?

But don't despair, I do think that there is another thread kicking around where a woman is selling her virginity to the highest bidder. Maybe you can get in on that action. I'm pretty sure all those men bidding on her are doing so because of how much they "value" her.
 FriendlyFreeSpirit
Joined: 8/24/2008
Msg: 1130
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 11/6/2008 1:06:54 PM
^^^^TOUCHE, wildcat
Spoken like a true Taurean...lol..
And there this conversation SHOULD END!!!
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 1131
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Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 11/6/2008 1:31:50 PM

How dare they decide that sex was something beautiful to be shared between 2 consenting adults and not something to be "given" as some kind of payment or reward?

Just in case anybody's getting their knickers in a twist, I for one don't care to share the experience with a man who doesn't respect HIMSELF sexually!
Cindy O
 zangie
Joined: 5/30/2007
Msg: 1132
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Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 11/6/2008 1:47:29 PM

Whatever I do or don't do about dating and sex, Daisy, I'm not running into all this DISRESPECT that you claim to be encountering. I wonder why that is?


Cindy: Daisy aside...everytime one of you guys says something like this, I cringe...because I know I'm reasonably good as filtering, and a good judge of character, and I'm pretty smart too...yet...I get it a lot on here, or anywhere online that men pursue me, majority just never go any where..and it just makes me crazy that other women think men come on to me , or get aggressive because of some flaw in me?

Of course, I don't have realtionships with these men...but, they sure have changed their spots once we meet...even with all the getting to know where people stand, and reading between the lines...

My beef is that there have always been some men who were creeps or players or whatever...but, the extent of the behavior online is absolutely enlightening..and I was surprised and dismayed...and I don't like it...it gets old..even when it is just men Iming me or emailing me to say something quick and inappropriate...I am tired of having to deflect, block, whatever so much...it makes it easy to get discouraged and figure online is not the place to find anything that isn't NSA..

And ..I don't like double standards either...however, since , for whatever reason I neither think nor feel like most men, sexually or otherwise..and think its a good thing...I don't know why I should...

I will never understand why equality ( or fairness , in my mind) and non double standards can't be accomplished without one of the requirements being that we all act exactly the same...or, that women just become men with breasts and hoohoos...lol..there must be a middle ground...
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 1133
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Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 11/6/2008 2:28:43 PM
or, that women just become men with breasts and hoohoos...
oh HELL no
lol..there must be a middle ground...

There is, and I will say it took a bit of blundering around when I first set out on Adventures in Modern Dating. Then again, to be absolutely fair, I really didn't start dating again until my husband had been gone 2 yrs, and in that interim between that time and now, I've had a couple of relationships, a couple of FwBs, and realistically,dating, STRS and FWBs were all I had any business doing, because I was healing,and rebuilding my life.
I'm not going to say I NEVER got sexually oriented emails, or guys talking it up with me to see if I'd just come to their house and "hang out". But not to the extent that some here are experiencing.

it makes it easy to get discouraged and figure online is not the place to find anything that isn't NSA..

As I mentioned before, there apparently IS somewhat of a perception that online dating sites are the new "pickup bar scene". So yeah, guys you meet from online might tend to have erroneous expectations.
Actually, I suspect my profile scares the socks off guys!
Cindy O
 wildcat99
Joined: 8/28/2007
Msg: 1134
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Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 11/6/2008 2:44:06 PM

My beef is that there have always been some men who were creeps or players or whatever...but, the extent of the behavior online is absolutely enlightening..and I was surprised and dismayed...and I don't like it...it gets old..even when it is just men Iming me or emailing me to say something quick and inappropriate...I am tired of having to deflect, block, whatever so much...it makes it easy to get discouraged and figure online is not the place to find anything that isn't NSA..


Zangie, I commented on this earlier. I agree with you to an extent. I have found that there are an inordinate amount of men online looking for quick and easy sex. And I've read in some of the threads that lots of women are doing the same thing. It can definitely be discouraging when your looking for something with some substance. However, my point has always been that these quick little emails and ims asking for sex are not FWB relationships. They are just men trying to hit it and run.

As for the rest of your post, I get the impression you are saying you think that women who have engaged in FWB or see nothing wrong with FWB are just thinking like men? I do have a different attitude towards relationships and sexual dynamics than you do but I certainly wouldn't consider myself to be thinking like a man. I just don't subscribe to some of the conditioning I had growing up where I was told women only enjoyed sex if they were in love. If I waited each time until I was in love, I think I'd be a born-again virgin....lol.

I think the middle ground is when you reject the double standards and just respect others for their choices and their decisions, sexual or otherwise, and not look at them as male/female attitudes but rather as choices one human makes for themselves and their lives.

Geez....i sound like a hallmark card.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 1135
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Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 11/6/2008 3:02:19 PM

If I waited each time until I was in love, I think I'd be a born-again virgin....lol.

Hell, I'd have won a trip to the Virgin Islands for recycling....

However, my point has always been that these quick little emails and ims asking for sex are not FWB relationships.

Mine too. FwB is something that evolves, it's not something a man asks for in an email or on a first date. To blame FwBs or other nonmarital, non LTR interactions for men not wanting to commit is crazy. I seriously doubt that a worldwide p*ssy strike would cause men who don't want to commit to change their minds. To posit that it would is an insult to men.
Cindy O
 Renaissance Man 1950
Joined: 7/13/2008
Msg: 1136
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 11/6/2008 4:19:35 PM
I may "retire" from the fora, and from POF, at least for awhile. There are a number of reasons for that, but the truth is "I resign" of trying to carry the flag for "common sense" and reality in the "Relationships" fora. There are too many who are adamant that up is down, and who describe a dating world that I don't recognize.

It used to be fun to bat around ideas, but it seems to me lately, that any resemblance to the real world of dating, seems to have disappeared, and what some insist is the "norm" is as if it were out of a movie circa 1950.

Anyway, before I go, I'd like to offer a few definitions of my own, in response to various schools of thought represented in this thread:

1. FWB (friends with benefits).
A man and woman, who share a friendship, but who sometimes are sexual, when
neither is otherwise involved, and when both are in the mood.

2. FB (fvck buddies) Two people who know each other, and don't really share
anything other than mutual lust, who consensually choose to get together from
time to time, for the specific purpose of sharing sex.

3. ONS (one night stand) two people who get together, for the explicit purpose
of having sex one time, and have no intention to see each other again.

4. PW (aka "nice guys")- desperate men, who are so eager to spend time with a woman, almost any woman,
that they will do as their told, without offering any significant input into the
nature and pace of the relationship .

5. Jerks- men who will hide their intentions, prior to meeting a woman, and once they're together
will become insistent on having sex, regardless of whether any chemistry exists

6. Castrating women ( defined variously as women "having respect for themselves", "women with morals".
etc.)- women who will have sex outside of marriage, but who insist on having complete control
over when or whether, regardless of how much chemistry may exist

7. Confused- any man in the presence of a castrating woman.
 rdcnorm
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 1137
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 11/6/2008 4:28:28 PM
Well I hate to see you go,, good luck,

as for your number system,, I knew there was a reason I was attracted to women who are a " 6 "and not a 10,,, life is good,,,,
 zangie
Joined: 5/30/2007
Msg: 1138
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Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 11/6/2008 5:30:59 PM
In my defense..just in case you are including me in that number six...


6. Castrating women ( defined variously as women "having respect for themselves", "women with morals".
etc.)- women who will have sex outside of marriage, but who insist on having complete control
over when or whether, regardless of how much chemistry may exist


It has nothing to do with "morals", or Having respect...I have no "moral" issues about sex..I grew up in a household where sex was presented as a good, positive thing..my parents definitely had a great sex life, and we weren't taught that it was bad...

What I need/want is to be cared about as part of a sexual relationship, and exclusivity too..when I mentioned earlier about growing out of sex for the fun of it..I didn't mean it as a maturity issue..I meant that I grew real tired of it..and it has nothing for me anymore..I don't know that I'd get married again..I wasn't a virgin the first time either...it isn't about what is right or wrong morally ...it is about what is right or wrong for me...and chemistry just ain't enough for me...if I had sex with all the men who have turned me on..I'd be worn out...lol..

Ren...as to the part " but who insist on having complete control over when or whether, regardless of how much chemistry may exist"...what would you suggest? That women just do whatever you want? Isn't that controlling on your part? Why shouldn't we be in control of when and with who we choose to have sex with? Anything else, means the man is controlling isn't it? It is a choice for all women..I don't castrate metaphorically or otherwise anyone...I just don't do what I am not comfortable with...

I am an odd ball, obviously...when I ended my last LTR...I had the double problem of going through chemo for cancer...I was not interested in a relationship of any kind..sexual or otherwise...but, even when I went into remission..I still needed time to heal from both ( because everything else got pushed to the side to concentrate on getting better)...it was never easy...I happen to have a strong drive..and once I turned 40..it only got worse...but...I knew any substitute to what I was looking for wouldn't be enough for me...and fleeting at best...besides the fact that I cannot leave my emotions out of anything, but, especially when with a guy I like..and I have to like him to want sex with him..

I have never argued that the kind of FWB's you have described were anything less than what you have said...I have said that, for me, it wouldn't work anymore...and, I have also said that I think they are missing the point...at least from my perspective...

You are always referencing this 50's thing...I grew up in the 70's..in the middle of the "sexual revolution"...the basic essence of who I am, and what I feel...has never changed...regardless of what society is doing..I think you miss the fact that it isn't about it makes me a bad , or cheap, or evil woman..I don't agree with those characterizations for women..I believe they should enjoy their sexuality...it isn't about some antiquated moral standard for women and sex...it is about my emotional make up..and what works for me..the fact that it happens to reflect to some extent an old fashioned view, does not mean it is invalid..I have no obligation to be anyone other than who I am..whether you or anyone sees it as repressed or "old fashioned"..it is who I am...and I am so far from repressed..you'd be surprised...women ( or men) have no obligation to follow a dynamic just because some say they should...

The fact is...I just don't have the ability to handle NSA sex of any kind...it isn't in me..wish I could these days for millions of reasons...but, just isn't there...I don't feel good about sex as a convenience..for myself or the guy..and it isn't moral..it is emotional? I'm sure you or some could then postulate that this in itself makes me "defective", or screwed up...but, it has taken me years of hurt and making mistakes to come to a place where I know what works..whether you think it is "wrong" or not, isn't the point...it works for me...and it isn't dysfunctional in the least..just different...and your world isn't the only one..or the only valid one...
 toonicetobenice
Joined: 6/1/2008
Msg: 1139
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Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 11/6/2008 5:39:13 PM
I hear you I'm finding the same thing however, I have heard men say that some women want to talk 2-3 months I dont like chating for awhile and they get weird
 FriendlyFreeSpirit
Joined: 8/24/2008
Msg: 1140
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 11/6/2008 6:24:45 PM
Zangie, I don't think anyone on the side of non-judgemental choice here would see you as castrating because you choose not to have a FWB.
I think that's what so many of us are trying to say: to each mature adult his own.

chemistry just ain't enough for me...if I had sex with all the men who have turned me on..I'd be worn out...

Hey, I'm jealous - hardly anyone appeals to me, these days..
But back to the original post (!)...I don't think most men are looking for friends with benefits. I think most men are looking for relationships. I think friends with benefits occur when two friends decide to have sex because it seems like a good idea at the time - note I say TWO, because it takes TWO TO TANGO.
 kellygrl51
Joined: 9/21/2008
Msg: 1141
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 11/6/2008 7:32:11 PM
I think most choose NOT to have an FWB if other options exist. From what I've read on this forum FWB seems to be a better than nothing alternative. I seek a life partner and an FWB would just complicate that I think. Besides I wouldn't date anyone who was in or had that kind of relationship. JMO....we all have them.
 rdcnorm
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 1142
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 11/6/2008 8:36:08 PM

I wouldn't date anyone who was in or had that kind of relationship

That and interesting comment, I say that because, What I believe and still do, my concept of dating some one, means exclusive, more often than not sex is involved,,while thinking long term

During that dating process the concept is having a LTR, while your dating you begin to becomes friends, and you have a good time with each other,, your feeling change, and realize that person isn't the right one for us. Therefore you stop dating for what ever reason.. at that point you can remain friends or not,, doesn't matter..

My point, FWB, you just experianced one,, but it was exclusive..

That said the one of the major differences between dating and FWB. You know that your in FWB through communication,, Yet in dating no one really knows what we had until the ends,
I was just trying to make a simple point.. food for thought,,

Now I realise this, FWB can be exclusive or not depending on the communication between two people {lets assume exclusive} .. until such time some one decides for what ever reason it needs to end, { let assume exclusive again for a second} it's ending because either one chooses to start dating. Because they meet some one they think they want to date, become serious with, and the same scenario plays out as I mentioned in my second pargarph, Back to a FWB, because it didn't make it to long term..

all that may be tough to swallow, but if we think about it,, it's true,,we had FWB, we just don't always know it because our intentions are different..

If it turned out different, we dated, had sex while becoming friends, that friendship turn to love and we lived happily ever after,, well there is a dream worth thinking about...
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 1143
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Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 11/6/2008 8:36:40 PM
I think I'd be on fairly safe ground if I said that there are a lot of people, (though the topic of this thread is men) looking for sex with few, if any,strings. Good grief, look at the statistics on how many marriages end in divorce,and I suspect LTRs aren't faring a whole lot better. And even cohabitation/"common law" marriage can be emotional and financial devastation if it goes to pieces. Most women do have to feel some emotional connection with a man in order to enjoy sex. Men don't always have that scruple(some do, but they aren't the ones emailing women asking for NSA sex) so if they can find ways to get sex without having to miss a good game on TV to go with her to somebody's wedding, if they don't have to be nice to her mother,help her when she's sick,oh you get the picture! that's damn straight what they are gonna try for.
I think it was THAT issue the OP was talking about...why do most men want NSA sex? You can't email someone, or meet them for coffee, and say "let's be friends with benefits", in a true FwB, the friendship happens first. Or an FwB might arise out of a dating situation where the 2 people enjoy one another's company,(and sex with each other) but recognize that there can't be the intertwining of their lives that would support a "real relationship". Why shouldn't they enjoy what they can,as long as both are clear that it's not gonna be longterm, that they cannot demand exclusivity,and they cannot WHINE if the other one chooses to withdraw the "benefits" for any reason or even NO reason. \But this is NOT the same as an on demand NSA sexual involvement, which is what a lot of guys are looking for,and what I believe the OT was actually about.
Cindy O
 Tinkerbell201
Joined: 7/25/2007
Msg: 1144
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 11/6/2008 8:59:34 PM
No need to read much of the thread on this one. Looks like it has been covered:

1) Cheaper than a hooker yet still NSA
2) Cheaper in general - no flowers, gifts, dinner, etc
3) Committment phoebes dream
4) Many women are looking for exactly the same thing... There is a pervasive tendancy to portray women as victims in these situation, and women have indeed been socialized to do so... But, from conversations I have had (friends and strangers), many women, especially in their 40's would just as soon not be bothered with the whole relationship thing.. and a quick and clean "something something" works great.

I think the big problem with the whole FWB thing is that it is usually not exclusive, so, your FWB is Mr. FWB with, ball-park, 5 to 10 other gals. And perhaps coin flip, for the guys, your FWB has 5 to 10 other men. Makes for a far riskier environment for sex in terms of STD's.

But, in defense of men, I don't think they are the only ones looking for FWB's. However, please don't interpret this as my approving of jerks who lead women on, have multiple parners (none the wiser), etc.

I think a guy who identifies himself as wanting only a FWB set-up is in many ways better than the jerk who plays mind games with women pretending to care, yet only interested in the sex. These guys are crule because they lead their women on. The FWB guys don't pretend to give a damn. lol
 FriendlyFreeSpirit
Joined: 8/24/2008
Msg: 1145
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 11/6/2008 9:05:51 PM

I think the big problem with the whole FWB thing is that it is usually not exclusive, so, your FWB is Mr. FWB with, ball-park, 5 to 10 other gals. And perhaps coin flip, for the guys, your FWB has 5 to 10 other men. Makes for a far riskier environment for sex in terms of STD's.

I see this so many times in the fora. Who the HELL has five to 10 other lovers? Everyone here looks pretty average to me - none of us are Brad Pitts or Angelina Jolies. And everyone's ****ing about how hard it is to meet ONE person - who has this revolving plethora of lovers?
 wildcat99
Joined: 8/28/2007
Msg: 1146
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Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 11/6/2008 9:13:53 PM
^^^^^^^^I know! Damn....I can barely keep up with dating more than one man at a time much less having sex with 5-10 other guys! Obviously these FWB have no time for a life, friends, family, a job...even eating for crying out loud. I mean, they must be spending all day and night in bed keeping all their lovers happy! Give me a break.........
 rdcnorm
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 1147
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 11/6/2008 9:35:49 PM

I mean, they must be spending all day and night in bed keeping all their lovers happy{/quote]
To Funny,, that would be more stamina that I could ever muster up,,

FwB, has it's place, I wish it didn't in my life but it does, for example, as a widowed man raising an 8 yr boy,, it's difficult to share or let go,, meaning have someone you can trust to have someone in my sons life as you get to know that person,,, and when/if you meet some one,, that chemistry just isn't there, yet it seems if I find some one with a hit of chemistry, for both of us, she may not be interested in raising a child again, I respect that, because she has been there and done that, she has a whole new life to live,, Sometime that turns into FWB, yet, LTR will never work for various reason,, I think FWB does have it's place,, but only with honest communication
 rdcnorm
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 1148
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 11/6/2008 9:56:41 PM

Then I went into a 10 yr. LTR which was like a marriage. I left it because he was my rebound from my marriage.

That was the longest rebound FWB relationship I have ever heard of..You talk about using some one,, WOW,, that poor guy for 10 yrs, plus he loved or liked you before that,, That is something to be proud of,, I would say a true friend wouldn't do that to anyone,, That is why FWB works,, it's about honest before all else..
Just my openion...
 dead fish
Joined: 10/21/2008
Msg: 1149
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Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 11/6/2008 10:07:42 PM
ahhhhh, for the benefits
what kind of q;uestion is this?
 FriendlyFreeSpirit
Joined: 8/24/2008
Msg: 1150
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 11/6/2008 10:32:00 PM
I read everyone's posts in the thread I'm participating in, daisypetals. And I generally remember them. It's part of my training.
I remember how you posted about being sexually molested by your stepfather and how your mother chose to ignore it. I remember you posting about your sister and how you said she is married but constantly having affairs because of her molestation.
You also said being molested left you with issues about intimacy- how you reacted differently to your sister and questioned her response.
I remember how you posted about your husband and how you said he left after 20 years of marriage and won't speak to you - can't even look at you.
Daisypetals: I'm no psychiatrist, but blind Freddy could see you have issues about men.
And I feel sorry for you (while I'm not feeling incredibly frustrated by you).
Daisypetals, you malign everyone who disagrees with you, then complain we are doing it to you. We are not. We are disagreeing with you. That's all.
Peace to you, Daisypetals.
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