| I only feel smothered when I don't like you...
Posted: 10/7/2007 12:33:36 PM | I like consistent contact, not everyday, but a rythm,
when there isnt a rythm and you are working at having a relationship, then it causes for flags, then communication of verification.
What is annoying is mixed messages, and I will pursue until I have a clarity of what is happening, Once the truth is out, then I am ok, but actions and words have to coincide.
the problem that comes to arise, with it is what is the validness of the intentions of the potential other?
FWB, camoflauged with an agreement of an exploration status of a potential relationship. I refuse to be duped. I will know.
and will not settle for less, nor accept anyone settling for less by being with me, even if they say they are interested in me, and enjoy my company and enjoy the intimacy. but refusing to communicate on a consistant level, not everyday, just a rythm.
I will obtain the true defination of the potential others intentions.
I will pick that sliver out before it festers.
I dont have the energy to waste on no-where relationships. I build in every aspect of my life, and will put in effort, but if it is unbalanced, will take the plunge of unplugging even if it hurts me,
Time and energy and investing. Will determine if the potential other is worth the investment of my time and energy.
Red. | |
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| I only feel smothered when I don't like you...
Posted: 10/7/2007 12:36:44 PM | I kind of understand the concept, I suppose.
I'm a pretty private person, in that I like my alone time and sometimes need to recharge my batteries, so to speak. I have never been one that likes to talk on the phone much (oddly enough, with my only serious relationship we would talk for hours pretty much every day) and I was never a big fan of texting. I wish people could understand that just because you aren't up someone's ass 24/7 that, that doesn't mean you don't like them or care about them.
I'm a homebody and go out maybe twice a week... usually only once. I've always been like that and that is a big part of why I have spent most of my datable life alone.
I don't get women and I don't get men... I don't even get me most of the time.
the giggleparts - I'm growing a beard... yes, I know... | |
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| I only feel smothered when I don't like you...
Posted: 10/7/2007 12:38:22 PM | The title on the post says it all. I don't like you..
You have to convey that to the other person. Sometimes you have to send the message to them like a brick in the face. Be truthful. The truth may hurt, but it is the truth.
You need your peace.. You are obviously upset by the situation.
Be direct, and be firm. The most honest and direct answer I have gotten from someone after a date was "This relationship will not work out between us. I need to move on, and you need to move on also." Do not let them grovel or negotiate. Do not justify it, or defend your position. You have stated your position. There is no negotiation.
It was direct. It was clear. It was honest. I had more respect for her after she said that. I wished her well, she wished me well. We are both happier now.
Just my two cents. | |
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clay71
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Joined: 7/11/2007
Msg: 54 | |
| I only feel smothered when I don't like you...
Posted: 10/7/2007 12:49:23 PM | I'm glad someone addressed this question.My biggest fear when starting a relationship is that I don't want to smothther them. But at the same time, I would like to do something small,cute, and funny just to maybe put a small smile on their face.
Without tearing down thier space. A little something to let them know, they are being thought about. | |
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| I only feel smothered when I don't like you...
Posted: 10/7/2007 12:52:26 PM | | The key here is honesty. If you love someone, you won't mind them contacting you every hour of the day, if you don't, then tell them. If you don't have those feelings for someone then it's best to be honest for their sake also. You don't have to be nasty about it, just tell them you don't think you are compatible, and you don't want to date them again. Listen to your instincts. If something bothers you about a person it's because you don't love them. | |
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| I only feel smothered when I don't like you...
Posted: 10/9/2007 1:32:44 PM | | I really only had one experience where i think i smothered....won't do it again...but at the time i thought i was showing my undieing devotion...a very stupid move...so i've since went back to my .."don't care if you're around or not " attiude...save's my feelings...might leave me single forever....and i agree with whoever said earlier "poor guy"..cause not telling him the truth isn't doing any good. I think alot of the reason's somebody smothers without knowing is that the other person likes the attention...and plays with the person that they know cares about them..totally unfair... | |
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| I only feel smothered when I don't like you...
Posted: 10/9/2007 1:37:09 PM | So my question is, truthfully, do you ever genuinely feel smothered by someone you really like, or is it just an excuse you use (or really feel) when you're seeing someone you don't like so much...
~OP~ I relate. Unfortunately, when I was younger it meant I just wasn't overly intersted. Today, it's means I'm smuffocating (smothering/suffocating combo.) For you, it just sounds like he isn't doing much for you. I hate that, I'm certain I knew some very nice guys, but it just wasn't all there.
p.s.
and could someone tell me what the "mod hammer" avatar is for? ty!
Good question. I won't use it, it scares me ~ like an official invite for Mods to come in and see who's using it....I like to be stealthy. LMAO  | |
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| I only feel smothered when I don't like you...
Posted: 10/9/2007 1:46:56 PM | | I can feel smothered even by someone I have feelings for and enjoy being around. I don't like having my time monopolized or someone always making plans for me without consulting me. It makes me feel like they're trying to control me. To live in the same house is fine, but if we don't share a residence I don't want to talk on the phone every day. It makes me feel like they're checking up on me or trying to control me from a distance -- "Oh! Can't go until I talk to so-n-so." | |
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| I only feel smothered when I don't like you...
Posted: 10/9/2007 4:43:44 PM | I am going to disagree on this one. I do believe that the odds of them smothering you are directly proportionaly to how much you initialy like them. If you arent that into them too much "attention" can be a total turn off.
By the same token though, I have met someone before that I met and liked and he ended up driving me completely away by going over board. The obsessiveness about someone calling you 10 times a day and leaving 3 minute long messages over and over saying the exact same thing is not at all attractive.
I am not a person who is interrested in jumping into something without looking. I want to take my time and get to know someone first. I appreciate being given that time. Someone "smothering" me with attention seems desperate and I am not attracted to desperate. | |
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| I only feel smothered when I don't like you...
Posted: 10/9/2007 4:49:44 PM | | It doesn't matter to me who you are....I'm one of those people that needs 40 acres to feel comfortable. I can be smothered by anyone who infringes on my "personal space". If I want you in that space, I will invite you in, but don't plan on setting up house! I'll pitch you a tent in the backyard! | |
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| I only feel smothered when I don't like you...
Posted: 10/10/2007 10:56:39 AM | My opinion reflects the sentiments of the OP, it is not smothering when you are into the other person. I am currently in that situation.
During a relationship last year, I felt smothered. I initially found his daily contact endearing and an important piece of the bonding process. However, as daily contact increased to multiple contacts during the day, it began to feel as if I was punching a time clock. Now I already have one job, I do not need a second. I tried talking to him about it, but the excessive contact continued until I went out of town with a friend and he called 20 times in one day. I ended the relationship, as this seemed way over the top to me.
Now I have met a man, I cannot seem to get enough of him. This is very unusual for me. I am normally the first person in line going, “I need some space”. Since my feelings are reciprocated, I am enjoying riding the wave, of mutual connection, a desire to be with one another, and frequent contacts. | |
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| I only feel smothered when I don't like you...
Posted: 11/5/2007 4:14:43 PM | If you love someone you don't mind them being clingy at all.
If you're not sure about someone you're dating and they get clingy ya just wanna push them away. | |
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| I only feel smothered when I don't like you...
Posted: 11/5/2007 4:19:10 PM | Your Header said more than most peoples run on paragraphs ever did about the psychology of supposed 'smothering'..............that was a good one. You didn't even need to write the rest.........
kudos........... | |
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| I only feel smothered when I don't like you...
Posted: 11/5/2007 5:28:31 PM | | what a silly little game you're playing at someone else's expense. You open the door by contacting him (even though you weren't excited about the date), He walks in......then you slam him about all this unwanted behaviour? Don't give out your telephone number in the future then you won't have to deal with this sillyness. | |
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| I only feel smothered when I don't like you...
Posted: 7/8/2009 1:00:27 PM | I went through this earlier this year. I was casually dating a guy whom I told upfront I was not interested in anything long term. I liked him well enough but I wasn't head over heels attracted to him physically. He feel into the Friend Zone within a month.
We agreed there were no expectations about where we were headed and that we could date others (all my idea and he agreed). We would talk once or twice a day and it was usually he who called me. I noticed when I didn't pick up immediately he would comment how he missed talking to me. He eventually met my kids and he exchanged phone numbers with my daughter as she does website design and she helped him with his website for his side business.
Well, one day I was charging my cell and was on the home phone for more than an hour with my mom who was going through some medical problems and lives on the other side of the state from me . The guy freaks 'cuz his call goes right to my cell and he tries repeatedly on my landline which is busy (I don't have call waiting). I'm in my home office when my daughter comes in and says "Smothering Sam just left a msg and is worried something happened to you as he can't get ahold of you." I finished talking to my mom, called him back and proceeded to rip him a new one about being clingy/smothering. He backs off and has some lame excuses about missing talking to me and that my line has never been so busy, blah, blah, blah. I told him if it ever happened again, we were done.
A month later my mom's health deteriorates and I have to fly out of town to be with her. I kept in touch once or twice a day with this guy ( mostly him calling/texting). The day before I leave to go back home, my mom is rushed to the ER due to a severe allergic reaction to a new med she was prescribed. The last thing on my mind is contacting him but I did manage to text him at 11pm about my mom.
A normal person would text back " Don't worry about calling. we'll touch base when you have time. Focus on making your mom better." Nope, I get a series of texts asking me to "Call" him and "how long will you be in the ER?" and "What's wrong with her?". Cell phones are not allowed on in the ER so I don't use it until I know Mom is stabilized. When I did get a chance to go outside, my calls were made to family and close friends and mom's boss, not the guy I was dating. I sent him a text that I am exhausted and we would talk "sometime the next day". The next time I check my cell, my daughter leaves a msg that the guy, once again, calls her all worried about me and wonders why I can't call him back.
I ignored every text and call until I flew home two days later. He is the only man on the planet with two man made @ssholes. | |
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